On Pain and Loneliness

I feel this ache deep inside me. There is no cure, not when I cannot control the remedy. The insensitive comments that seem innocuous, even hopeful. Do you really not understand that I cannot be happy if I'm feeling incomplete. And yes, until I find that piece of me, the one that understands me, supports me, wants me, cares about me like I care about him, enjoys just talking and trading banter...no I cannot feel complete. This is how we were created. So then why, why, am I left on my own here? Where art thou?

Cause You Had A Bad Day

Waking up after a restless night taunted by meaningless cruel dreams to a dreary humid morning. Putting on a game face and greeting the day with a grim smile. Fighting a losing battle with crawling traffic and arriving late to work. Work hurtling at me as if I'm in a video game where my goal is to duck the incoming obstacles. Except, these obstacles cannot be ducked. They enter my office, my desk; they are my clients, my paperwork, all for me to fend off by dealing with them respectively. Fighting for air, finally surfacing hours later. Needing to catch up on things of more urgency. No time for lunch. Things more overwhelming on an empty stomach and exhausted mind. A jumble of thoughts parading through my head. A levee of emotions threatening to break any moment.

Time to regroup.

It takes the bad days to appreciate the good ones. We cannot have comfort if we feel no pain; no love, no desire, without the shadow side.

Reflections

The sun is shining and the birds are chirping. There’s still a chill in the air, but the warmer temperatures and bright atmosphere bring renewed hope. Spring is on its way. The sun will shine again.

Nothing is permanent: not happiness, not pain. This status quo will change too. You just have to live in the moment and find a way to make the most of every minute and experience you have.

The trees sway to the light breeze outside my window; the traffic sounds fade into the background. The world continues around me as I contemplate my place in it. I may not know G-d’s plan for me, but I can do the most that I can with what I have right now.

The pain and disappointments in my life serve as a springboard for me to keep pushing forward. I accept them with slight animosity, but what can I do? I’m human; humans prefer comfort.

My thoughts scatter on the page like paint thrown at a canvas. So much to ponder as I sit here contemplating what’s up next for me in my life.

I want to make a difference in the world. Mostly I wish to “unpause" this hopeless loop of Life. I desire to know what I can do differently to find The One who will make me complete so I can finally stop letting it distract me and stop obsessing over it. I want to continue with my life goals without having the distraction of this bottomless hole I need to fill…

Tomorrow is another day, another day of hope and of dreams. I hope that someday soon my tomorrow will be an answer for today.