Moving on Up

I don't wanna know what every ex is up to; I don't want their lives rubbed in my face. I've gotten over them and moved on, but when they have a whole life –– a wife and a family –– to show for it, and I'm still about stuck in the same place they each left me, in that domain of my life, it hurts. (It doesn't matter how many people I've dated since them, how many other serious relationships I've been in, I'm still just as single.)

I know it's not my fault or anything I've done, I know that success in life isn't measured by life stage or marital status, but it's embarrassing and sad, and I feel like it could seem to onlookers like I am, or have done something, wrong.

We so often get caught up gauging accomplishment and progress by all the wrong things. We see all that is skin-deep and superficial. We classify by externalities and facade. I find myself having to remind myself that someone isn't better off just because s/he's married. The marriage could be terrible.

G-d has a plan for everyone, and no matter how frustrating not knowing what happens next, I trust that He knows what He's doing. I'm just working on trying to not let the past interfere with my now. I just don't appreciate being haunted by a mention of an ex and what he's currently up to.

To Be A Shadchan

Last week's Hamodia Weekly Magazine featured an article written by a girl in shidduchim.

"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."

So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.

Why is that?

Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."

I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.

Filters and Fine Lines

The more right-wing someone grew up, the more they've probably been taught that the secular world is "bad," "not what we do," or just stam to be avoided. Even though we hold the truth of "Chachma b'goyim taamin," so much of the time the baby gets thrown out with the bathwater.

As people grow up and hopefully begin to think for themselves, understand life from a stance of critical thought and not just mindless inculcation, they can start taking in experiences from life outside of our insular society and filter what to let in and what to keep out.

Don't get me wrong, there is something beautiful about insularity and the ability to uphold and protect strict boundaries. As an impressionable child perhaps this is necessary, this obstruction of exposure to most ideas (be them within secular media or simply people's appearance and behaviors on the street) outside Judaism. Yet, as we become adults and learn who we are and foster our individual connection with Hashem and Yiddishkeit, some of these boundaries shift.

Sometimes, like I've mentioned multiple times in these pages, it's about disengagement. But, often there is this "natural evolution of decay," ie. once we leave a structured environment where we were focused on learning and growing, we slowly let go of it if it isn't serving its purpose –– especially if it seems to be bringing pain.

Perhaps within a family structure where others' ruchniyus is being affected as well, we might avoid certain questionable media or the like. It's easy to convince ourselves that since we don't have that right now, it's okay, for now. Maybe it is; maybe it isn't. I'm not making a call on that. I'm just trying to explore the rationale. (The longer someone is single, the longer s/he has to let this fester and stretch.)

When where I feel most successful, at work or anywhere outside the structure that makes me feel like I don't belong, becomes where I want my mindset to be, that could get sticky. What if that's a secular environment and I'm surrounded by people with morals so different than my own? That will probably affect the way I see things after awhile.

I can still remember attending a friend's Chanukah party a few years back. I didn't know most of the people she invited, all different types of girls from different aspects of her life. They were all frum Bais Yaakov girls though. I recall being appalled when one girl was saying that she would love to have a holiday bush or tree, because it's "so within the holiday spirit." "It doesn't have to be a Christmas tree," she said, "But who really cares anyway? It's just cute." I don't know her, so I don't have any idea where that was coming from, but do we really need to look to the outside world for celebration ideas? We have so many of our own holidays!

And yet, there are the things that perhaps are rejected simply because they weren't founded within a Torah society, but can definitely be beneficial. Various hobbies, therapy or support groups, even clean movies and music can all be wholesome and useful. There is definitely a fine line, and that line is in a different place for everyone, but we need not lose sight of what we can gain if we can take what we like and leave the rest.

🐠 Just Keep Swimming 🐠

If the world is an ocean

Where is my oar

In want of a life vest 

Tossed head over heels relentlessly

Struggling to catch a breath

Saltwater on my face

The sea glitters teasingly around me

Am I meant to just keep swimming

And they said the Titanic was unsinkable

But the waves never quit kissing the shoreline

Even as they're sent away again and again

Clap Along If You Feel Like Happiness is the Truth

What is happiness? How do we access it? Is it really as elusive as we sometimes feel it is?

Perhaps happiness is like a liquid; its form takes the shape of its container. Maybe it is different for everyone, or does it generally feel the same to all, just triggered and sustained differently for each individual? And, is it possible to be happy even when you feel like you're lacking something so integral to your contentment?

There is a ton of research out there on what happiness is, how to find it, and how to maintain it. After all, everyone wants to be happy and feel good. And that leads us to a basic understanding of happiness. It is an emotion –– an emotional and mental state of well-being defined by a pleasant feeling that ranges from basic contentment to intense joy.

We know that "happiness" is not necessarily about feeling good all the time. The ups and downs are what allow us to feel true happiness. You can only feel genuine joy if you have something to compare it to. It's about the mountains and valleys of life –– the accomplishments, the successes, that are born from struggle.

In saying as much, happiness seems to be a satisfaction with one's life. It isn't about money (beyond freedom from financial worry and enough to live comfortably and perhaps indulge every now and then). It's mostly not about anything material actually. Happy, winner of a handful of Best Documentary and Audience Choice awards portrays that some of the happiest people in the world live by simple simple means. Additionally, I don't know a statistic, but it's a known fact that some of the richest people are the most unhappy. It isn't about what we have per se, but how we understand and process it.

Not surprisingly, your genes, environmental factors (like life circumstances and things that happen to and around you), social relationships, accomplishments, etc., all affect your happiness. As does your way of thinking. Psychologists suggest that much of your happiness is under your personal control. Taking care of yourself, challenging yourself, setting and meeting goals, maintaining close social connections, and finding purpose beyond yourself are all ways that you can increase your life satisfaction and be happier.

Perhaps you think happiness lies in finding your spouse –– someone to share your life with, someone to connect with, take care of, someone to take care of you. You might even understand that your spouse won't be your everything, but this close connection with someone will certainly cause those feel good chemicals in your brain to proliferate. You wouldn't be wrong.

Speaking of which, there are four known natural chemicals that contribute to someone feeling happy: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins ("DOSE"). 

Dopamine is neurotransmitter, which means that it is responsible for transmitting messages in your brain. It is important for many things in your brain, but for our intents and purposes, it's the chemical we talk about when we say things like "pleasure or motivation pathways." It's about reward and reinforcement, the thing that makes things that we like feel good. 

Oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle hormone," is triggered when you feel close to another person. It doesn't have to be physical closeness, although physical touch does release oxytocin. Emotional connectedness, eye contact, attentiveness, social bonding, and the like all create oxytocin too.

Serotonin is most associated with mood. Like dopamine, it is a neurotransmitter that relays signals between neurons. It plays major roles in one's mood, feelings of anxiety, and happiness. Mood altering drugs like Ecstasy and LSD are known to tremendously increase levels of serotonin in one's brain. Serotonin is also known to be directly related to depression. In fact, the most popular antidepressants are SSRI's –– selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Other medications that treat depression work on serotonin in other ways. (Despite understanding the association of mood and serotonin, scientists do not yet know precisely how they work, and we are still unable to measure levels of serotonin in the brain.) 

Serotonin plays an important role in how we feel, and there are many natural ways to boost one's serotonin levels. Mood induction, altering one's thoughts, either through psychotherapy or self-help, can increase levels of serotonin (it seems like the interaction between serotonin function and mood is a two-way relationship). Natural light is another thing known to increase serotonin synthesis and help with mood. Exercise has an antidepressant effect too, and some research has suggested that it can increase brain serotonin function. Healthy nutrition and eating foods that have higher levels of tryptophan could be linked to improved mood and cognition, possibly due to increased serotonin levels.

Lastly, endorphins are hormones that are responsible for masking pain or discomfort, as they are associated with our "fight or flight" reflex. They are said to be like morphine, reducing pain and increasing positive feelings. Endorphins are released during exercise and other strenuous acts, in response to physical or emotional pain, and triggered by eating, drinking, connecting with others, and other pleasurable activities. 

So yes, of the four "feel good chemicals," a close loving relationship would probably increase all. However, there are other ways to trigger them as well. Fostering other close social relationships is a good example. You can be happy without a relationship, even if it's more difficult. You just have to work a little harder.

Happiness is contentment. Happiness is letting go what you think should have been and accepting what is. Happiness is living for the moment. Happiness is accomplishing a long awaited goal. Happiness is having a purpose. Happiness is loving and being loved. Happiness is being motivated to do what I need to to feel good about myself. Happiness is recognizing that what I'm chasing was within me all along. Happiness is having a real friend who cares. Happiness is curling up by a fireplace on a cold snowy day with someone you love. Happiness is watching someone else experience something you love for the first time and the look of appreciation on his face. Happiness is driving along the highway with the windows down on a perfect spring day. Happiness is when someone returns your genuine smile and you know you made his day. Happiness is when you can focus on all the good things you have in life. Happiness is a choice.

Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis

Someone sent this to me, and I had to repost it. Go ahead and click on the link; take a few minutes to read Rochel Spangenthal's "Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis." It won't disappoint.

When Your Nisayon is So Overt

Purim is one of my favorite chagim. I love everything creative and crafty, and I always have a lot of fun coming up with and executing a theme for my mishloach manos and related Purim festivities.

This year while I was brainstorming, I ran a few ideas past some people. I wanted to base the shalach manos on the idea of "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone who has vodka, and make a party." I thought it could be cute and classy at the same time. Lemonade in a glass bottle, lemons, and a vodka mini. A poem about how the Jews at the time of Purim had lemons, found their way to make lemonade, and ended up having a party. 

My idea got shot down right away. "You cannot do that! It will make you seem like a bitter older single!" 

Sigh. Doesn't everyone have their struggles in life? Just because mine is so apparent, does it have to mean that I'm bitter if I make reference to life and life's struggles? Would it be different if the shalach manos was coming from someone who had a diagnosis no one knew about and it seemed like s/he was just referring to the Purim story and  life in general? Do people really assume that I think my life is so "sour" if I reference trying to make the best of a hard situation?

Perhaps this is part of the challenge –– the fact that everyone knows about it, assumes that it's hard, expects us to be sad, making assumptions how we feel. Don't get me wrong –– "hard," "sad," "challenge" –– they've all been thought about in relation to this stage in life, but does everything I do have to be connected with it? Being single isn't my only piece of identity, only reason behind everything I do. Yet, this is what happens when your nisayon is so overt.

Purim and The Illusion of Control

Simchas Yuntif

R' Shimshon Pincus in his sefer on Purim in his maamer titled "Hashlech al Hashem Yehavecha" talks about how there is a mitzvah of happiness, simchas yuntif, surrounding all Yamim Tovim. For example, Sukkos is Zman Simchaseinu. Likewise, on Purim we have a mitzvah of mishteh v'simcha. However, unlike all other chagim, there is a mitzvah of drinking wine until one doesn't know the difference between Baruch Mordechai and Aror Haman. This mitzvah is very different from these other types of happiness we are supposed to experience during the other holidays of the year; it seems to have no shychus to kedusha. And so, says R' Pincus, Purim is unlike all the other moadim.

While all the other chagim serve a purpose in Klal Yisroel's journey as a nation, and each year we tap into that potential when we celebrate each Yom Tov, Purim is in a class of its own.

Pesach and Yetzias Mitzrayim is leidas am yisroel. Sfira are the days of chinuch until we were obligated for kiyum hamitzvos. Shavuos is the bar mitzvah of Bnei Yisroel. The Yamim Noraim are the days of courtship between Bnei Yisroel and Hashem, the closeness coming from the teshuva we engage in during that time period. Sukkos is the chasuna; entering into the sukkah is akin to stepping under the chuppah. Shmini Atzeres is the yichud. After the Yamim Tovim there are days of darkness and the "choshech al pnei s'hom" is Yavan who darkened the eyes of Yisroel. Chanukah brought back this light of Torah to Bnei Yisroel.

The whole purpose of all these moadim, this whole journey, is Purim! They all lead up to Purim, which is the ninth and final moed of the year (only followed by the tenth, the time of beas hamoshiach).

Hester Panim

To really understand what Purim is about, we have to understand what "hester panim" is. Hester panim is synonymous with tzaros. During the time of Shlomo Hamelech Bnei Yisroel didn't lack for anything, but when the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed we had klallos, one worse than the next. We cannot understand why things happen and how Hashem runs the world. To our perception bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. We think the whole world goes according to our maasim. It is a mechanism of action that we know as "teva." Hashem's yad is hidden, and we believe we control things.

Purim reveals the truth. With all of the moadim it seems like we did something to deserve the salvation or outcome. By Yetzias Mitzrayim we believed in Hashem and so He took us out; Kabalas Hatorah we said "Naase V'nishama" and we were then given the Torah; Yamim Noraim - we did teshuva and we were forgiven; at the time of the Chanukah story the Chashmonaim had tremendous mesiras nefesh and so we were saved. However, Purim changes this pattern. At the time of Purim there was a sealed decree in shamayim of "kliya" (that Bnei Yisroel would be destroyed). There was nothing we could do to change that. The neis of Purim was that Hashem Himself b'chvodo u'b'atzmo annulled this injunction. It is clear that we did nothing to control the outcome, because there was nothing we could do.

Get Out of the Way!

In order for Hashem to Himself nullify the decree, He needed to get Man out of the way. Hashem needed for Man to stop thinking that what he is doing is manipulating the outcome of events. On Purim G-d waves Man aside; He tells him to go get drunk and remove himself from the picture so that He alone can control outcomes.

People believe that their actions regulate things; they have grandiose illusions of control. The mitzvah to drink on Purim teaches us a lesson. When someone is drunk he realizes that he can't do anything alone. In this realization, he can feel deep simcha, as he then realizes that Hashem is doing everything for him and he need not worry. This, says R' Pincus, is what makes Purim's simcha different from all other chagim.

Rabbi Kagan in his book, The Choice to Be, quotes the Maharal, who brings a slightly different angle concerning this point. He asserts that seichel causes human pride and accords a status separate from G-d. Drinking wine removes this intellect and thereby eliminates this separation, affording us a special closeness and happiness.

In the Torah, everything follows the maasim of Klal Yisroel -- "V'haya im shamoah tishmau" –– but in Megillas Esther, the Purim story, it's different. After everything was said and done, there was no way possible for Bnei Yisroel to be saved, and yet Hashem saved us!

Purim revealed that Hashem can change reality in a second! The story of the Megilla is different from all other stories in the Torah! For this reason, says R' Pincus, after Moshiach comes, all other kisvei kodesh will be abrogated aside from the Chameishe Chumshei Torah and Megillas Esther. All other messages are contained in the Torah, except that of Purim.

Haman was a small guy who accelerated from an unimportant nothing in the king's court to the head advisor almost overnight. He was then given the king's signet ring and free reign to make proclamations and decrees. Yet Haman's luck changed suddenly. He went from Second-in-Command to leading the 'lowliest' man in the kingdom on a horse, during which garbage was dumped on his head. Mordechai, the man who was being persecuted and sentenced to death, was led on a horse and given honors by the Royal Second-In-Command himself.

This neis shows that anything can happen in a second, all without man's involvement.

Turn Your Action into Prayer

Esther sent Mordechai clothes when he was sitting in sackclothes and ashes mourning the fate of the Jewish people. Esther told Mordechai to get dressed and do hishtadlus, go talk to the king. Mordechai said "no." There was nothing that Klal Yisroel could do except seek rachamim from HKB"H. This is why Mordechai took the children, dressed them in sak v'efer and they fasted and davened for three days. This was not an act of teshuva, says R' Pincus, but rather a way to be m'vakesh rachamim from Hashem.

Esther Hamalka's hishtadlus too was that of being m'vkesh rachamim. She threw two parties for the king and Haman, but when it came down to it, she broke down and cried, "If I have found favor in the eyes of the King, and if it please the King, let my life be saved and the lives of my people...for it is this man, this wicked man that wants to kill us." Rabbi Kagan brings the famous medrash that states that whenever it says "the King" in the megillah without specifying Achashveirosh, it is referring to Hashem. He explains that Esther was not beseeching Achashveirosh for mercy, rather she was talking to Hashem, asking that her life be spared from Achashveirosh and Haman. Esther had no illusion of control, her action was transformed to prayer.

The v'nahapoch hu was only talui on Hashem. Only when Klal Yisroel turned themselves completely over to Hashem did Hashem save them.

Hashem is in Complete Control 

This is the climax of Bnei Yisroel's journey, realizing that the Boreh is in complete and total control –– taking care of everything in the world.

Purim is about the "pur." When someone makes a gorel, he has no control over the outcome. He is leaving it totally up to Hashem. Haman made a lottery; he wanted the decree to be beyond teva and beyond the mazalos. He made a lottery, and he received approval from Heaven. In order for us to change this decree, we had to rely fully on Hashem; only He had the power to abolish it.

When man is at the end of his rope, he needs to realize that Hashem truly controls everything. On Purim we get drunk and show "I have no control." We get rid of all illusions of control; we remove our intellect from the picture, and it's all up to Hashem.

The Gates Are Open

Perhaps we feel like our fate is sealed and is never going to change, but during the the time of Purim, these shearim are open. We have to believe that things can change. We have to yell out for rachamim.

The whole year we live according to a certain seder. Every Yom Tov has mitzvos we are commanded to do (on Pesach - matzah/maror/karbon pesach, Sukkos - sukkah/arbah meinim, etc). On Purim we drink wine and get out of the way. Every chag leads up this one. We have to give it all up to Hashem.

The neis of Purim is that Hashem can do anything even if it seems impossible; He can overturn sealed decrees. That is why tefillah on Purim is so crucial. We have the ability to turn to Hashem and ask Him to rescind sealed decrees.

"Kol haposhet yad, nosnin lo."

A Freilechen Purim! 

How Much Does Age Matter?

Recently, I met a guy for a shidduch "coffee date." At some point in the conversation I made reference to my age. If I recall accurately, he was lamenting his career choice (or lack thereof) and the fact that he's too old to go back to school. I think I said to him that he's still young and that he has his whole life ahead of him to think about. He insisted that he felt like he missed the boat.

"Really," I said, "I'm you're age, and I think I'm young."

He balked at that.

"What?! The shadchan told me a different age."

Amused and perplexed, I said, "Really? How old did she say I was?"

He said he thought I was a year younger than him, and he did not believe me.

"When's your birthday," he demanded.

My birthday had nothing to do with it. I was literally this close to asking him if it was a problem and maybe he just wanted to take me home.

Legit, how much did those handful of months matter to him? How much does age matter in general? Yes, it matters when it contributes to an age gap, and it seems to matter less when a girl is 5 years younger than a guy, but what happens when the girl is older than the guy?

It is becoming more and more common for guys to date girls that are older than they are. Apparently it makes sense because females tend to live longer. However, in general, guys mature later than girls, so is that gap even greater when the guy is younger than the girl?

When people ask me if I would date a guy younger than me, I don't hesitate to say yes. I know that a lot of girls see it as a negative, but I honestly think that in many cases, the younger and less seasoned a guy is, the more optimistic and less cynical he is. Experience counts for something, but that gap can easily be bridged if everything else works.

Anyway, age is just a number. Sometimes the number means the person physically shows sign of his/her age, but in so many scenarios, you would never know how old s/he was unless s/he told you. So, what does it really count for?

What A Girl Wants (And What He's Thinking)

There have been many books written regarding the psychological differences between males and females. Although I think most people recognize that men and women are very different, in some ways we sometimes think that the other gender is just a different version of us. Women are not just prettier, weaker men, and men are not egotistic emotionally-blunted women.

Perhaps someone suggests you read R' Aharon Feldman's The River, The Kettle and The Bird when you get engaged. Maybe someone hands you one of John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus books. Yet, all the things you might learn reading this literature is probably helpful for you to understand while you're dating.

Alison Armstrong, author of In Sync With the Opposite Sex, Making Sense of Men, Understanding Women and other such books/workshops writes about how each gender has different realities. Because this is true, and many people don't understand this, we treat the opposite gender based on specific expectations and thus in a way that causes them to treat us poorly. Clearly, this gets in the way of having a mutually satisfying relationship.

For example, Armstrong relates that most men are driven by duty, honor, and obligation. Many women don't understand what this means and assume that men make decisions based on the same things that women do, to avoid someone being mad at them for example, or some other emotional reason. She explains that men want to take care of, make happy, spend time with, contribute to, and protect their women. A man responds to how he's treated, so if a woman stops being receptive or criticizes him, he loses motivation to be her knight. Armstrong proposes that a woman can turn her prince into a frog if she treats him in the way she treats females in her life.

Gray talks about how men and women tally giving and receiving love differently (women want consistent small things not just one big act of caring), how they deal with stress differently (women want to talk about things but when men are stressed they retreat and isolate), among other ideas.

While it is true that not all men are the same or want the same things, and not all women are the same and want the same things, here are some random things that are generally true overall. The following is a sampling of what a girl wants:

• Girls are a lot more sensitive than guys. We want guys to be nice us. What might count as good-natured ribbing with your guy friends doesn't fly with a gal.
• Girls don't really care that much about how "macho" a guy is. Stop trying to impress her with your money, car, status.
• Lies of omission, or just lies period, doesn't go over very well with the ladies. We want honesty.
• Girls want to be important to their man. Make her a priority. She'll probably dwell on it if you don't text her back.
• Girls have a lot more feelings than most guys do, and most of the time she wants to talk about it. She doesn't need a solution, she just wants you to listen and be supportive.
• Generally when a girl is mad, she wants your attention, even if she tells you "I'm fine."

The more we understand the opposite sex, the better we can get along with and support them. If you want to be treated like a queen, treat him like a king (and vice versa).

It's All Part of the Nisayon

Not being married and being single obviously go hand-in-hand. There's the not being married part, which is only compounded by the being single aspect. But, like someone reminded me the other day, it's all part of the same nisayon. I don't think we need to split hairs and decide which side effect belongs in which column, but suffice it to say that the things that make this stage in life hard are not only about not having a spouse.

We can blame society for making us feel like we don't have a place, we can get mad at people's insensitive comments, we can scoff at others' complete lack of understanding of what this is like, we can get stuck in the self pity that this breeds, or we can recognize that it's all part of the struggle, the test.

Whatever the purpose a nisayon has, whether to make us stronger, gain s'char, whatever, every time someone says or does something that hurts because you're single, remember it's all part of the struggle and you're earning points.

Perhaps a shadchan tells you it's great that you want a normal guy but you need to compromise, because "Do you want to be 30 and not married?!" Maybe someone singles you out, and although he meant it innocuously or as a bracha, he tells the whole room in his speech that he knows shidduchim has been a struggle for you. Possibly someone yells at you because, "You should be happier for him/her! S/he is your sister/brother/cousin/random acquaintance and just got engaged/married! Are you so self-absorbed?" Imagine gems falling in your hourglass.