Communication, Clarity, and Closure

The three C's of dating. They're probably also some of the most important things involved with shidduch dating.

Communication is super super important in all relationships, but especially when you're (shidduch) dating. In the beginning of a relationship, you have little context to understand the other person. It's all very formal and oftentimes stilted. It doesn't lend for an atmosphere where you can be yourself and try to build on natural dynamics, unless both of you agree to date a little out of the box. You don't know what makes the other tick, and you don't have a base from which to anticipate his/her triggers and/or interpret his/her reactions. It's easy to be wrong while making assumptions about what something meant, and it's always helpful to keep in mind that there are probably seven other ways to understand what someone said or did.

Early early on in the dating process really communicating can be tricky, because you don't know the person, so you may not want to share your personal thoughts and feelings with someone you're not sure you trust with them. However, this is the way you build a communicative relationship. It's good practice. Perhaps in the very beginning it's more comfortable to communicate through a third party, but often things get lost in the translation, and you'd be best to bite the bullet and just put out there what you're thinking. If you find that you're not being received well, that's a sign too that things might not work. If you do felt heard, the communication can strengthen your relationship.

When things get hairy, it's a positive practice to talk about it. If you have a question or an issue, address it. You're building a relationship with someone, you need to be able to say what you want or need, or understand something. People don't read minds, and so you need to talk about what's bothering you. It's likely something the other person wasn't even aware of. There are so many differences between people based in gender, personality, culture, etc, that you cannot assume anything. You may be looking at a very different world than the other person. It doesn't mean you can't get along, it just means you need to take some time and work it out together.

Clarity too is really important. It often goes hand in hand with communication. Clarity in dating refers to understanding who someone is and if who s/he is works for you. It's about understanding the dynamics of the relationship and what the other person is saying, thinking, feeling. Sometimes it's about the whys of the relationship -- why something fits or why it doesn't. It's the understanding beyond, "I like you." It speaks to the "Will this work for marriage?" component.

Closure is about what happens after a break-up; can you emotionally close the door on the experience. Sometimes closure is easy, because a relationship really didn't make sense. Sometimes it comes naturally, because you move on quickly with someone you feel like is 'better.' Sometimes it's hard, because you feel like things were left in the middle, there wasn't clarity regarding why it wouldn't work, you know why it wouldn't work but you still really like the person, or you feel like you were wronged. (If you were wronged in a situation, rather than just hurt, it's more difficult to forgive the person and move forward.)

Getting closure when ending a relationship is an art. You want to know that you explored the possibilities, you weren't being hasty, and you're not hurting the other person. Proper break-up etiquette and sharing with each other why it's not going to work is helpful in this regard. You can't always get closure if the other person doesn't want to talk about it, can't explain why they're ending it, or just isn't receptive to what you have to say. Sometimes closure is also unattainable because there are unresolved issues or feelings. Time and moving on helps with this if there's no way to resolve that.

Closure is important, because it helps you to keep going instead of continuing to reread the last chapter of your life over and over. Also, if there's no closure, you might think you want to date the person again when really there's nothing to talk about, but you just didn't gain clear enough clarity or close the door firmly enough.

Communication, communication, clarity, and closure. (Yes, communication belongs there twice!)