Life is full of goodbyes.
So often we connect with people, we leave a part of ourselves with them, only to have to eventually say goodbye. This happens for some people more often than others. Some people connect more deeply or more easily. Life is about being able to leave that bit we give to the other person (or people) behind and keep moving forward.
I was having this conversation with a client a few days ago. She was talking about how it was hard to just let go of her relationships with her ex's family. She had great relationships with them and nothing against them. Whereas she didn't want to see or talk to her ex ever again, she missed his family whom she had been a part of for over ten years. We talked about how in life there are so many people you have to say goodbye to. Sometimes these people have left a piece of themselves with you, sometimes you with them, and sometimes it's both.
This happens in so many ways. Professionally, I face it all the time. I will often wonder how a client is doing long after they aren't a client any longer. They shared so much with me, I saw them through so much, and then they disappear as they go about their lives. It's how it's supposed to be. I'd imagine there are many professions like that. Teaching is similar, especially if it's one-on-one.
We can't always hold onto relationships we have. And we're not meant to. I'm sure I've written about this before, how relationships can be like bridges. They can help us get somewhere, but we don't necessarily need them once we've crossed them. People come into our lives for various reasons. I know I've met people that have enriched my life in so many ways even after they're no longer around.
I've written quite a bit on breakups, but this one post about love and loss comes to mind.
It's not the goodbyes that make us better perhaps, but to paraphrase a line from Romeo and Juliet, parting is always a sweet sorrow. It makes us look toward what is next up for us. Looking forward is always more helpful than looking back. (It is helpful to learn from mistakes, for sure, but that's always for a looking forward purpose.) Looking forward doesn't cheapen the experience we had, but it does let us file it away.
Showing posts with label Break-Ups. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Break-Ups. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Forget to Forget You –– Guest Post
A couple weeks ago I was sitting in shul listening to Krias HaTorah, when all of sudden, out of nowhere, a thought popped in my head. That day marked one year since I met my ex. Completely out of nowhere I went from attentively listening to the leining, to my mind drifting off, remembering and reminiscing about the relationship that ended too soon.
Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event, and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.
That was 9 months ago.
Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.
I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."
Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.
Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?
Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.
It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.
Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”
Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.
We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.
Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event, and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.
That was 9 months ago.
Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.
I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."
Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.
Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?
Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.
It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.
Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”
Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.
We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.
Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
How Awkward and Weird
Why is bumping into an ex with his spouse so awkward and weird? Just two people, right?
This weekend, I was with some friends in the city. Of all the restaurants in the entire New York, my friend's recent ex with his recent wife happened to come to the same eating establishment at the same exact time we were there. To make matters worse, my friend was clearly noticed, as at one point every single party at the ex's table turned around and stared at us.
Would you point out a recent ex to your new spouse? Who do you think felt the most uncomfortable? Would it have been as uncomfortable if he wasn't married or hadn't gotten married so quickly/recently? Would it have been less awkward if she gotten married since? Is it appropriate for either one of them to say hi to each other? Is it appropriate for either of them to just pretend they don't know each other? How would you navigate that? How would you want your ex to navigate that?
Is there any way to make that encounter not awkward and/or weird?
It's awkward and weird, because they're not just two people. They have a history, memories, a shared relationship, feelings. Perhaps one of them, or both, thought they had a real chance at a happily ever after. Even if not, judging on my own experiences, it's really hard to stop thinking about an ex. Hopefully you get over him/her to a large degree, but you still shared so many personal and intimate moments and things. Perhaps when you do get married it pales or disappears in comparison. I mean, when I've met people that I've liked or clicked with more than a particular ex, those feelings about the ex diminished greatly. We're still human though. We feel. We remember.
In a weak moment I was listening to some trigger songs recently. It's weird how music can generate tidal waves of emotions and memories. (Sometimes those moments can bring clarity, others make the relationship feel like just a dream.) Anything that sparks that flood will make you feel awkward and weird. When it's the ex himself/herself and he clearly doesn't know how to handle the situation either, despite him having clearly moved on, it makes it that much more uncomfortable.
This weekend, I was with some friends in the city. Of all the restaurants in the entire New York, my friend's recent ex with his recent wife happened to come to the same eating establishment at the same exact time we were there. To make matters worse, my friend was clearly noticed, as at one point every single party at the ex's table turned around and stared at us.
Would you point out a recent ex to your new spouse? Who do you think felt the most uncomfortable? Would it have been as uncomfortable if he wasn't married or hadn't gotten married so quickly/recently? Would it have been less awkward if she gotten married since? Is it appropriate for either one of them to say hi to each other? Is it appropriate for either of them to just pretend they don't know each other? How would you navigate that? How would you want your ex to navigate that?
Is there any way to make that encounter not awkward and/or weird?
It's awkward and weird, because they're not just two people. They have a history, memories, a shared relationship, feelings. Perhaps one of them, or both, thought they had a real chance at a happily ever after. Even if not, judging on my own experiences, it's really hard to stop thinking about an ex. Hopefully you get over him/her to a large degree, but you still shared so many personal and intimate moments and things. Perhaps when you do get married it pales or disappears in comparison. I mean, when I've met people that I've liked or clicked with more than a particular ex, those feelings about the ex diminished greatly. We're still human though. We feel. We remember.
In a weak moment I was listening to some trigger songs recently. It's weird how music can generate tidal waves of emotions and memories. (Sometimes those moments can bring clarity, others make the relationship feel like just a dream.) Anything that sparks that flood will make you feel awkward and weird. When it's the ex himself/herself and he clearly doesn't know how to handle the situation either, despite him having clearly moved on, it makes it that much more uncomfortable.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
To Date. Not to Date. Questions.
Is going out with someone who is so off the mark worse than not going out at all? (Obviously if you know from the outset that it's a no-go, I beg you to respect yourself more than that. Don't just go out because you want to feel like someone wants to date you. I'm talking about in retrospect, does dating that person that is not even ballpark make you feel worse than not dating at all?)
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind
What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Reset: Tips To Get Over A Breakup
I'm far from the expert at this. Let me rephrase: I don't want to be an expert at getting over breakups, but I'm going to share some of my own "what works" with you. There are so many things that come along with breaking up with someone, and often when the stakes are high, as they are in shidduch dating (marriage-focused dating and dating in a marriage-focused culture lends to a certain intensity), the hurt is compounded.
There are so many different aspects to why breakups are hard, but check out some of my (many) other posts for that. Here I want to talk about getting over a breakup especially when you don't really want to. Hanging onto the breakup is us hanging onto whatever semblance we have left of the relationship, even if it's a load of pain.
I recently heard a line that I related to very much. It went something like this, "Don't you ever want to be in a relationship, just so you can relax?" Dating and finding "The One," the whole game, is stressful and, at the very least, annoying. Getting over a breakup takes work too. It doesn't happen by itself. Time helps, sure, but staying in bed eating ice cream watching reruns of your favorite TV show isn't going to help you get over your ex.
I know for myself, after big breakups, it's always necessary for me to reset. How I do this often varies, but preferably it involves taking a vacation (or two). If you can't afford the time off (or financial expense of the trip), weekends away work too. It's about mixing up your usual routine.
Social support, spending time with friends, is really important in a reset too. Picking up new hobbies, like running or crafting, or whatever it is that speaks to you, can help too. I find that writing and talking things out is cathartic and valuable. Feeling your feelings, not denying the sadness and/or anger, is healing as well. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy, even if it feels like those things are few and far between these days. Look forward, and try not to look back. Don't question and analyze. If something is meant to be, it will come around. It doesn't help to live in the past. Emotional clarity will come with a period of no contact (texts, emails, social media stalking, etc.) and time. Go have some fun and remember that you are an awesome amazing person and your worth is not tied up in someone else. You'll have your day, and when that happens you'll be able to look back at the breakup through a new light.
There are so many different aspects to why breakups are hard, but check out some of my (many) other posts for that. Here I want to talk about getting over a breakup especially when you don't really want to. Hanging onto the breakup is us hanging onto whatever semblance we have left of the relationship, even if it's a load of pain.
I recently heard a line that I related to very much. It went something like this, "Don't you ever want to be in a relationship, just so you can relax?" Dating and finding "The One," the whole game, is stressful and, at the very least, annoying. Getting over a breakup takes work too. It doesn't happen by itself. Time helps, sure, but staying in bed eating ice cream watching reruns of your favorite TV show isn't going to help you get over your ex.
I know for myself, after big breakups, it's always necessary for me to reset. How I do this often varies, but preferably it involves taking a vacation (or two). If you can't afford the time off (or financial expense of the trip), weekends away work too. It's about mixing up your usual routine.
Social support, spending time with friends, is really important in a reset too. Picking up new hobbies, like running or crafting, or whatever it is that speaks to you, can help too. I find that writing and talking things out is cathartic and valuable. Feeling your feelings, not denying the sadness and/or anger, is healing as well. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy, even if it feels like those things are few and far between these days. Look forward, and try not to look back. Don't question and analyze. If something is meant to be, it will come around. It doesn't help to live in the past. Emotional clarity will come with a period of no contact (texts, emails, social media stalking, etc.) and time. Go have some fun and remember that you are an awesome amazing person and your worth is not tied up in someone else. You'll have your day, and when that happens you'll be able to look back at the breakup through a new light.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Finding My Way Back
Wish my heart would stop beating
Me up
Wish my head would follow
My heart
Wish this wasn't
So complicated
Wish I could
Make sense of it all
Wish I felt I had a place
In my own life
Wish I could find the page
Where I left off
You took me down
To build me back up again
Dragged me around
But all by my own doing
This story I'm writing
Could be called fiction
Though waking up is hard to do
Falling asleep's impossible too
Trying to put
The pieces back together
Feeling hopeless
But hopeful
Lost and searching
For some new light in this dark tunnel
Me up
Wish my head would follow
My heart
Wish this wasn't
So complicated
Wish I could
Make sense of it all
Wish I felt I had a place
In my own life
Wish I could find the page
Where I left off
You took me down
To build me back up again
Dragged me around
But all by my own doing
This story I'm writing
Could be called fiction
Though waking up is hard to do
Falling asleep's impossible too
Trying to put
The pieces back together
Feeling hopeless
But hopeful
Lost and searching
For some new light in this dark tunnel
Friday, October 20, 2017
Love and Loss
For a long time, I had this block against Alfred Lord Tennyson and his quote, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I mean, it's so obvious to me that it's better to have loved and won, right? And, if you have to lose, is it not better to have never played at all, never known what you were missing?
Yesterday I was listening to someone talk about grief and loss. He shared about the profound grief he experienced following the death of a close family member who he regarded as a mentor to him. After that happened he recognized that he closed himself off to close relationships like that one, holding everyone at arms' length, not letting people in, for fear of suffering another heart-wrenching loss. The loss was so intense, because his relationship with this person was that close.
There are myriads of Brene Brown quotes I can insert here, but I'll go with the following from her The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are:
You gotta pay to play, but even if you lose, I'm starting to think it's worth it. Not just because of what is and isn't possible if you open yourself up or close yourself off. The experience itself is enriching. Fostering a close, trusting, loving relationship with someone you care about can change you...even after the person is no longer in your life.
A loss is essentially hard because it means that you've lost a part of yourself that was wrapped up in another person or experience. Grieving means figuring out how to get back to yourself, navigating your new reality, because your life is forever changed. It will never be the same.
Yesterday I was listening to someone talk about grief and loss. He shared about the profound grief he experienced following the death of a close family member who he regarded as a mentor to him. After that happened he recognized that he closed himself off to close relationships like that one, holding everyone at arms' length, not letting people in, for fear of suffering another heart-wrenching loss. The loss was so intense, because his relationship with this person was that close.
There are myriads of Brene Brown quotes I can insert here, but I'll go with the following from her The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are:
"Joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions. To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees—these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain."Love costs so much, because it gives so much.
You gotta pay to play, but even if you lose, I'm starting to think it's worth it. Not just because of what is and isn't possible if you open yourself up or close yourself off. The experience itself is enriching. Fostering a close, trusting, loving relationship with someone you care about can change you...even after the person is no longer in your life.
A loss is essentially hard because it means that you've lost a part of yourself that was wrapped up in another person or experience. Grieving means figuring out how to get back to yourself, navigating your new reality, because your life is forever changed. It will never be the same.
Monday, October 2, 2017
If You Want Something, Ask
Looking back, we probably should have taken a break when he went on vacation for two weeks while we were at an awkward stage in our relationship. Instead, we ended up doing a lot of texting and the occasional call or video call when he had some spare time. That ended in disaster. We had some major misunderstandings, and we ended up arguing. I guess what it really boiled down to was the expectations we had, unshared, unvoiced, but expected all the same.
One fine day while he was on vacation and he knew I was traveling (driving with passengers, so not much ability there for communication), he later told me that he was so mad that I hadn't texted him all day. He was playing a game of chicken, waiting for me to reach out, not going to be the one to initiate contact "all the time."
Honestly, I didn't feel like we needed to talk/text every single day, and he was on vacation, I truthfully didn't want to bother him. I was also busy. If I had something I wanted specifically to share with him, I would, and did, but that particular day I did not. I figured he would touch base if he wanted to, and if not, we would check in later that day probably before we went to sleep just to say hey. If not, we would talk/text the next day.
Later that evening I sent him a picture of something I was working on for him. (I shouldn't have been...the things we do for the people we think we have obligations to. But that's a different discussion entirely.) He later told me that he took that as an olive branch. I hadn't reached out to him all day, so this was my way of apologizing. He was still really mad at me for not talking to him.
"I know you were traveling and busy today, but you were "online" on WhatsApp..."
Are you kidding me? Just send me a message if you wanted to talk!
Guys and girls alike: people aren't mind readers. He probably won't pick up on your subtleties. If something is wrong, you need to say so. "Fine," doesn't mean "I'm not okay. Please probe." You can't expect her to know that you want her to do something unless you tell her. Communication is key even if you think the other person knows, or should know, what to do or what you want. If you want something, ask. What do you lose?
One fine day while he was on vacation and he knew I was traveling (driving with passengers, so not much ability there for communication), he later told me that he was so mad that I hadn't texted him all day. He was playing a game of chicken, waiting for me to reach out, not going to be the one to initiate contact "all the time."
Honestly, I didn't feel like we needed to talk/text every single day, and he was on vacation, I truthfully didn't want to bother him. I was also busy. If I had something I wanted specifically to share with him, I would, and did, but that particular day I did not. I figured he would touch base if he wanted to, and if not, we would check in later that day probably before we went to sleep just to say hey. If not, we would talk/text the next day.
Later that evening I sent him a picture of something I was working on for him. (I shouldn't have been...the things we do for the people we think we have obligations to. But that's a different discussion entirely.) He later told me that he took that as an olive branch. I hadn't reached out to him all day, so this was my way of apologizing. He was still really mad at me for not talking to him.
"I know you were traveling and busy today, but you were "online" on WhatsApp..."
Are you kidding me? Just send me a message if you wanted to talk!
Why complicate life?
Missing somebody?…Call
Wanna meet up?…Invite
Wanna be understood?…Explain
Have questions?…Ask
Don’t like something?…Say it
Like something?…State it
Want something?…Ask for it
Love someone?…Tell it
We just have one life, keep it simple.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
It's Not Yet Time
"Sometimes It's Not Goodbye, Just A Hello Waiting Patiently for Another Time"
~The Better Man Project
I stumbled across "professional life coach, writer, and diehard encourager" Evan Sanders's blog, and I was immediately struck by how raw and genuine his writing is. A particular post, And I Wondered, "Does This Path Have Heart," grabbed me. I read it a few times realizing that I connected with it because I so deeply relate to what he writes, so much so that I could have written it myself.
He talks about his challenge never having been to successfully love deeply, but it being in the letting go. He writes about how scenes and moments play over and over in his mind in full color and how each instance he feels all those emotions so deeply.
This isn't another rant why breakups hurt so much (even though they do and I was thinking today about more reasons why breakups are so hard...perhaps I'll share them before this post is over), and if you're looking for practical ways to get over a breakup and/or unrequited love, I direct you to my Loves Me Not post and suggest you track down a copy of the book that inspired the post. I'm not quite sure what this post is about yet, to be honest, but as I'm writing I think it's about timing.
A client of mine this week shared that he was finally in the place career-wise that he was trying to get to for the past five years or so, a place that would have made his previous relationship of four years work that much easier. They're no longer together, and his current relationship doesn't feel the same to him. He just wants to share this success and happiness with someone he feels like cares about it as much as he does, someone who saw him through the hard work and knows what it means to him.
This is one of those reasons (that I mentioned I might write about) why breakups hurt. It's in the sharing your life with someone who genuinely cares about you. Your happiness makes them happy and vice versa. It's just how relationships work; it's in the connectedness. When you lose/don't have this person everything seems so much less vibrant or exciting. Truly, having someone to share your life with halves your troubles and doubles your joys.
Back to the timing thing though. If only my client could have gotten to where he is now a year and a half ago. Maybe it would have saved his relationship. And maybe his relationship just wasn't meant to be. And for the breakups and goodbyes that I'm struggling with now, clearly we're not meant to be right now. It's not yet time.
I need the space, we need the space, to get to where we can have a real chance. Love/like/affection/comfortability does NOT conquer all. I'm learning that everything has a time and place, and as much as patience is not something I'm great at, I'm strengthening it every day. Together with my emunah.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Life is a Marathon, Not a Sprint
It will take you beyond your breaking point, testing and trying your endurance. It will break down and deplete your glycogen storage –– turn your sugars into lactic acid that will cause muscle cramps, charley horse, torturous pain –– burn up stored proteins, cannibalize muscle and fat, and basically consume anything else it needs to keep you going.
A marathon isn't over until you've done your 365 yards (just over 26 miles), so you can't stop. You can't tap out. It's not an option.
You're in it for the long haul. No matter how many things are being thrown at you while you're running, you just have to keep going. No matter how much you just feel like curling up in a ball and nursing your wounds, you just have to keep going.
You're in it for the long haul. No matter how many things are being thrown at you while you're running, you just have to keep going. No matter how much you just feel like curling up in a ball and nursing your wounds, you just have to keep going.
It isn't a sprint, and you no burst of speed will get you there quicker. Slow and steady wins the race. (Isn't that what we learned from the tortoise and the hare?) Sometimes the best things take time. Sometimes when you feel like you have nothing left and can't do it anymore, you realize that if it was worth the struggle up until now, it's worth continuing.
 |
| Reminds me of this cartoon. |
Friday, September 15, 2017
Breakups and Breakdowns
You would think I might gain some perspective, I was thinking as I left the hospital yesterday after visiting a family member. Life is short; life is fragile. I have better things to be worrying about. Except that all those better things just compound my sadness and stress.
It's so hard to grasp onto, this feeling. It's loss, but it's something so much more. It's doubt. It's sorrow. It's rumination. It's probably even self-hate to some degree. It's maybe even anger. Is it despair too?
Every day this week felt like Thursday; it's been the longest week in quite some time. Every night felt so long and lonely. Too many nights I lay awake wondering if you were doing the same...feeling.
It's so hard to grasp onto, this feeling. It's loss, but it's something so much more. It's doubt. It's sorrow. It's rumination. It's probably even self-hate to some degree. It's maybe even anger. Is it despair too?
Every day this week felt like Thursday; it's been the longest week in quite some time. Every night felt so long and lonely. Too many nights I lay awake wondering if you were doing the same...feeling.
I thought it would feel good to finally take care of things that should have been done a long time ago but got put on hold because I was so busy all the time. I thought I would feel good getting knee-deep in some projects that are finally coming along slowly but surely. But, there's something missing. It's not unlike how normal everyday joys just aren't enjoyable to an addict after s/he quit drugs. The brain's pleasure pathways get changed up.
I know this is different; this is temporary. I know I'll snap out of it. I don't know, maybe there's the side here that doesn't want to, that doesn't want to forget, wants to nurse this for time longer. So often we hold onto pain when it's the only vestige left from something we're not ready to let go.
The space is good though, even as much as it's driving me crazy, as much as I just want to pick up the phone. I'm getting perspective even as I'm still so uncertain what it all means.
I remember the days that all it took was a Coffee Coolatta to make me happy, but these days it seems like not even ice cream makes a dent. I'm still overwhelmed with sadness. It's still so hard. I know it takes time. I know I need to be patient. I know I need more perspective. I know I need to figure this out. Right now though it's just about emotions. Real life is so much about logic and foresight. We're paying a price, but hopefully there will be hefty returns whatever the currency.
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Riding Out the Storm
You stood beside me waiting patiently in line for the Ride of Life.
I listened and empathized with you as you shared with me how nervous you were to get on the ride again.
You squeezed my hand as we boarded the car.
And I, yours.
You reminded me to fasten my seatbelt and lower the safety bar.
I reached over to help you with yours.
We shared a grin as the ride ascended slowly.
We screamed together as the car swiveled and dropped.
We coasted for a bit.
Your car got separated from mine.
I called to you, wanting to make sure you were okay.
You hollered back.
All was okay.
You attached your car to mine again.
My car climbed some pretty steep inclines.
It took some pretty extreme drops.
You asked me to let you off of my roller coaster.
I did.
I get that you can't stomach my ride.
Too many ups and downs.
Too many highs and lows.
Too many false starts and stops.
It's hard for me too.
I know you've been on the ride longer.
I know your own loops and twirls are hard enough.
I don't need you in my car.
I don't need you to hold my hand.
But I do want you to be there.
I do want to share my life with you.
Coasting without connecting, without sharing the ride, it's superficial.
We both know that.
We both feel that.
Maybe that's why it's been hard to navigate.
Maybe that's why I feel like I'm in this alone.
I'm riding out this storm...
Yes, you might get struck by lightning if you hold an umbrella.
But I would do it for you.
I listened and empathized with you as you shared with me how nervous you were to get on the ride again.
You squeezed my hand as we boarded the car.
And I, yours.
You reminded me to fasten my seatbelt and lower the safety bar.
I reached over to help you with yours.
We shared a grin as the ride ascended slowly.
We screamed together as the car swiveled and dropped.
We coasted for a bit.
Your car got separated from mine.
I called to you, wanting to make sure you were okay.
You hollered back.
All was okay.
You attached your car to mine again.
My car climbed some pretty steep inclines.
It took some pretty extreme drops.
You asked me to let you off of my roller coaster.
I did.
I get that you can't stomach my ride.
Too many ups and downs.
Too many highs and lows.
Too many false starts and stops.
It's hard for me too.
I know you've been on the ride longer.
I know your own loops and twirls are hard enough.
I don't need you in my car.
I don't need you to hold my hand.
But I do want you to be there.
I do want to share my life with you.
Coasting without connecting, without sharing the ride, it's superficial.
We both know that.
We both feel that.
Maybe that's why it's been hard to navigate.
Maybe that's why I feel like I'm in this alone.
I'm riding out this storm...
Yes, you might get struck by lightning if you hold an umbrella.
But I would do it for you.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Let's Break It Down: Why Breakups Hurt So Much
Okay, yes, it's intuitive that a breakup will probably hurt. How long you dated someone, your feelings for this person, the intensity of the relationship, how much a part of your life your ex was, etc., all play a role in how much the breakup, and getting over this person, will hurt.
Being dumped or being the dumper will probably also play a role in how you may feel after a breakup. I explore this more here. Rejection has its own science as to why it hurts, and being on that end speaks to self-esteem consequences and one's belonging needs.
In my post, Solving For "S," I explore how creating a relationship (and being in a relationship) engenders various "feel good" chemicals. When you're in a long-term relationship your body develops a tolerance for these hormones and those feelings become your norm. When you dissolve that relationship, you are for all intents and purposes yanking those chemicals off your neural receptors. You go from a high to a low fairly quickly, and so a breakup can be compared to withdrawing from cocaine addiction.
Think about too how emotional pain isn't just emotional; it can become physical. Emotional pain piggybacks on the brain's physical pain pathways, and as I write about in my rejection post linked above, Dr. Guy Winch cites a study which supports this truth by suggesting that Tylenol can decrease emotional pain. Additionally, like any other stress, breakups cause a surge in adrenaline and cortisol, which causes increased blood pressure, nausea, accelerated heart rate, decreased appetite, trouble sleeping, and increased irritability.
There are probably several other fun facts (and factoids) regarding the science behind why breakups hurt so much, but as I do best, I'm going to put in my personal take here.
After various serious breakups I remember feeling so down that I felt like I was never going to be happy again. Sometimes it can take awhile for me to feel back to myself, for me to feel clearheaded and stop thinking about the ex in question every second of every day, for me to get back to my day-to-day and move on with my life.
There is definitely a sense of loss that contributes to this feeling. A breakup is losing someone who played a big role in your life. Depending on the relationship, this loss can be more or less great. There is also the loss of the relationship and what that meant, whether that just means the concept of it or specific things about the relationship. Perhaps being in a relationship made you feel special, safe, taken care of, like everything else was a little bit more manageable with this person on your team, whatever. It's all gone.
There's the not being able to talk to this person too. It's especially hard when this was the person you shared everything with, the person that you called first when you wanted to share or talk about something, the person that maybe you texted throughout the day about every random thing that happened... (You could stay friends, sure, but this complicates things and doesn't let you get over each other. In this day and age it's so easy to digitally stalk someone and keep tabs on him/her, which also lends itself to not being able move on. In the sixth paragraph of this post I call upon Samara O'Shea's work to talk about how to apply your efforts to get over someone and stop the overanalyzing and cyberstalking.)
Questioning what could have been or if you made the right choice is also another aspect of why breakups are so hard. I've been known to ride relationships all the way to the end in attempts to give them a fair shot, get clarity and closure. When I cut and run too early in attempts to not get in over my head (or really heart), I'm left with so many "what ifs." I obviously have reasons for calling it quits and following a gut feeling that it won't work in the long run, but in those cases it's probably a given that I'm going to give it another run, if the other person wants to as well, sometime in the future, and go around again... Who knows, perhaps some future permutation of this might actually bear fruit and there will be a reason why I'll have tortured myself like this.
And then there's the feeling/being single again after a breakup. Going back onto the battlefield, back into battle. Dealing with shadchanim and people throwing names at you. Having to look into people and deciding why yes to date them. Networking. Going on awkward first dates. Having to try to build new relationships. All that fun stuff...
Uggh, breaking down, having to start from scratch... (shake it off like an Etch-A-Sketch)
Being dumped or being the dumper will probably also play a role in how you may feel after a breakup. I explore this more here. Rejection has its own science as to why it hurts, and being on that end speaks to self-esteem consequences and one's belonging needs.
In my post, Solving For "S," I explore how creating a relationship (and being in a relationship) engenders various "feel good" chemicals. When you're in a long-term relationship your body develops a tolerance for these hormones and those feelings become your norm. When you dissolve that relationship, you are for all intents and purposes yanking those chemicals off your neural receptors. You go from a high to a low fairly quickly, and so a breakup can be compared to withdrawing from cocaine addiction.
Think about too how emotional pain isn't just emotional; it can become physical. Emotional pain piggybacks on the brain's physical pain pathways, and as I write about in my rejection post linked above, Dr. Guy Winch cites a study which supports this truth by suggesting that Tylenol can decrease emotional pain. Additionally, like any other stress, breakups cause a surge in adrenaline and cortisol, which causes increased blood pressure, nausea, accelerated heart rate, decreased appetite, trouble sleeping, and increased irritability.
There are probably several other fun facts (and factoids) regarding the science behind why breakups hurt so much, but as I do best, I'm going to put in my personal take here.
After various serious breakups I remember feeling so down that I felt like I was never going to be happy again. Sometimes it can take awhile for me to feel back to myself, for me to feel clearheaded and stop thinking about the ex in question every second of every day, for me to get back to my day-to-day and move on with my life.
There is definitely a sense of loss that contributes to this feeling. A breakup is losing someone who played a big role in your life. Depending on the relationship, this loss can be more or less great. There is also the loss of the relationship and what that meant, whether that just means the concept of it or specific things about the relationship. Perhaps being in a relationship made you feel special, safe, taken care of, like everything else was a little bit more manageable with this person on your team, whatever. It's all gone.
There's the not being able to talk to this person too. It's especially hard when this was the person you shared everything with, the person that you called first when you wanted to share or talk about something, the person that maybe you texted throughout the day about every random thing that happened... (You could stay friends, sure, but this complicates things and doesn't let you get over each other. In this day and age it's so easy to digitally stalk someone and keep tabs on him/her, which also lends itself to not being able move on. In the sixth paragraph of this post I call upon Samara O'Shea's work to talk about how to apply your efforts to get over someone and stop the overanalyzing and cyberstalking.)
Questioning what could have been or if you made the right choice is also another aspect of why breakups are so hard. I've been known to ride relationships all the way to the end in attempts to give them a fair shot, get clarity and closure. When I cut and run too early in attempts to not get in over my head (or really heart), I'm left with so many "what ifs." I obviously have reasons for calling it quits and following a gut feeling that it won't work in the long run, but in those cases it's probably a given that I'm going to give it another run, if the other person wants to as well, sometime in the future, and go around again... Who knows, perhaps some future permutation of this might actually bear fruit and there will be a reason why I'll have tortured myself like this.
And then there's the feeling/being single again after a breakup. Going back onto the battlefield, back into battle. Dealing with shadchanim and people throwing names at you. Having to look into people and deciding why yes to date them. Networking. Going on awkward first dates. Having to try to build new relationships. All that fun stuff...
Uggh, breaking down, having to start from scratch... (shake it off like an Etch-A-Sketch)
Monday, September 11, 2017
And Again
Dangling there
But you can't have it
It's not for you
Why did you think it was
Take me high
Just to bring me down
Make me question
This
Is it still worth it
Do I have a choice
Did I ever
Just keep at it
Now what
I'm all tapped out
Followed my heart
Down a rabbit hole
Rode the ups
Now paying the price
Wondering if there is some way
Out
Life feels so cruel sometimes
It's not fair
It's not easy
It's not meant to be
Where to find the strength
To get through this
Where to find the power
To make this into a lesson
Saturday, August 26, 2017
It's Just A Rock
It's just a rock
Procured from deep inside a time warp
One I got lost in
Can anyone else really understand
Procured from deep inside a time warp
One I got lost in
Can anyone else really understand
I've kept the rock with me
It's grounding
A reminder of sorts
I'm not sure I want to remember
I don't know how to forget
To turn off the movie
Lower the sound
Get a grip on time
Make sense of everything
Go back to how things were
Does that me even exist anymore
It's the starting over that's the hardest
Something right now I can't even imagine doing
If only life came with a "fast forward" button
Help this healing progress faster
How can so short a experience change me so much
Moving forward
However slow my pace
Learning to live again
Letting go
It's just a rock
A reminder of sorts
I'm not sure I want to remember
I don't know how to forget
To turn off the movie
Lower the sound
Get a grip on time
Make sense of everything
Go back to how things were
Does that me even exist anymore
It's the starting over that's the hardest
Something right now I can't even imagine doing
If only life came with a "fast forward" button
Help this healing progress faster
How can so short a experience change me so much
Moving forward
However slow my pace
Learning to live again
Letting go
It's just a rock
Friday, August 25, 2017
Better to Have Loved and Lost?
I handed you my heart
You let me in
I walked away
No way you could win
Better to have loved and lost?
I'd prefer to have loved and won
Something perhaps to consider
Now that it's all said and done
I went all in
Now I'm done and out
At some points I'm clear
Other moments plagued with doubt
So hard to lose you
Harder to lose myself in us
Don't want to feel like I'm settling
You deserve someone who loves all of you, plus
Don't want to be like
Into you I'm pouring my all
And you accept it
But the difference it makes is small
I don't want to play with your feelings
Just because I'm unsure of my own
I needed to let you go
Get out of the zone
You're left holding a part of me
I would like to believe
Similarly, I can't figure out how
This piece of your heart I have you can retrieve
So take good care of it
No matter what happens next
You're forever a part of my story
And not just another ex
You let me in
I walked away
No way you could win
Better to have loved and lost?
I'd prefer to have loved and won
Something perhaps to consider
Now that it's all said and done
I went all in
Now I'm done and out
At some points I'm clear
Other moments plagued with doubt
So hard to lose you
Harder to lose myself in us
Don't want to feel like I'm settling
You deserve someone who loves all of you, plus
Don't want to be like
Into you I'm pouring my all
And you accept it
But the difference it makes is small
I don't want to play with your feelings
Just because I'm unsure of my own
I needed to let you go
Get out of the zone
You're left holding a part of me
I would like to believe
Similarly, I can't figure out how
This piece of your heart I have you can retrieve
So take good care of it
No matter what happens next
You're forever a part of my story
And not just another ex
Thursday, August 24, 2017
One Heartbreak Closer To Happily Ever After
Immediate connection
Shared wit and banter
Leading towards
Happily ever after
...or devastation and disaster?
Deal-breakers
Heartbreaker
Why do I feel like
Such a faker
Expectations
Aspirations
Communication
Frustrations
So short
But so long
Now hearing, on repeat,
The haunting melody of our song
So close
Yet so far
How did we get to
Where it is that we are
When all you can give
Isn't enough
All disappearing
With just a puff
Letting go is so hard
But holding on is too
Especially when you know
Something is not right for you
So much to say
No words to describe
At loss to communicate
What I'm feeling inside
Our music crescendos
As I walk away
Making me wonder if instead of folding
I should have played
Shared wit and banter
Leading towards
Happily ever after
...or devastation and disaster?
Deal-breakers
Heartbreaker
Why do I feel like
Such a faker
Expectations
Aspirations
Communication
Frustrations
So short
But so long
Now hearing, on repeat,
The haunting melody of our song
So close
Yet so far
How did we get to
Where it is that we are
When all you can give
Isn't enough
All disappearing
With just a puff
Letting go is so hard
But holding on is too
Especially when you know
Something is not right for you
So much to say
No words to describe
At loss to communicate
What I'm feeling inside
Our music crescendos
As I walk away
Making me wonder if instead of folding
I should have played
Sunday, August 20, 2017
And Here We Go...
So, this is what happens when I meet someone I start thinking I'm beginning to like...
My mind goes on overdrive trying to analyze why it will work and why it won't. I start to think about what will happen when we break up, wonder how much it will hurt. Will we date long enough that it's going to sting like the last one? How long will we date for? What will it feel like? What will be the things that will do us in?
Oh, to be young and untraumatized. I remember a time when the only concern was, "Do I want to spend more time with this guy?" Now it's become about, "How much potential do I see; is it enough to be worth the potential devastation of letting another one in and then letting him go?"
It's not a way to date, I know.
And so, I call upon Brene Brown, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful lives, vulnerability is the path.”
My mind goes on overdrive trying to analyze why it will work and why it won't. I start to think about what will happen when we break up, wonder how much it will hurt. Will we date long enough that it's going to sting like the last one? How long will we date for? What will it feel like? What will be the things that will do us in?
Oh, to be young and untraumatized. I remember a time when the only concern was, "Do I want to spend more time with this guy?" Now it's become about, "How much potential do I see; is it enough to be worth the potential devastation of letting another one in and then letting him go?"
It's not a way to date, I know.
And so, I call upon Brene Brown, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful lives, vulnerability is the path.”
Despite what my inner cautionary voice and all the "helpful" people in my life are saying, vulnerability is all I know how to do anyway. I relish in creating deep meaningful relationships, connecting with people and getting to know them.
Friday, July 21, 2017
Solving for "S"
Following the end of a relationship, something perhaps too short to rationally actually warrant to be called a breakup, but a "breakup" all the same (in tribute to the feeling of click/connection), I just feel sad.
It's never helpful to place judgement on feelings, because they're never right or wrong, they're just feelings. (It's the whole feelings are messages thing. When you try to fight them they find a way to sneak back in where you least expect them. When you honor their message, they dissipate.)
The message of sadness is one of loss. Sure, I lost the relationship, its potential, the person in my life (and everything he brought to the table), the connection we had...but because I'm great at analyzing things, I'm thinking it's not just that. (Rationally it seems like it was too short to feel real loss of any or all of those things!)
I'm still figuring it out, but so far I've been able to pinpoint that perhaps this is about how connection causes a surge of feel good chemicals in one's brain. With the loss of the relationship/connection, my brain is aching for that dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that came along with the interaction.
Gotta get to work replenishing that balance... Social interaction, ie. hanging out with friends, exercise (maybe I need to double the workout routine), sunlight, chocolate/ice cream, and physical touch (lots of hugs and/or a massage) will all help with that.
It's never helpful to place judgement on feelings, because they're never right or wrong, they're just feelings. (It's the whole feelings are messages thing. When you try to fight them they find a way to sneak back in where you least expect them. When you honor their message, they dissipate.)
The message of sadness is one of loss. Sure, I lost the relationship, its potential, the person in my life (and everything he brought to the table), the connection we had...but because I'm great at analyzing things, I'm thinking it's not just that. (Rationally it seems like it was too short to feel real loss of any or all of those things!)
I'm still figuring it out, but so far I've been able to pinpoint that perhaps this is about how connection causes a surge of feel good chemicals in one's brain. With the loss of the relationship/connection, my brain is aching for that dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that came along with the interaction.
Gotta get to work replenishing that balance... Social interaction, ie. hanging out with friends, exercise (maybe I need to double the workout routine), sunlight, chocolate/ice cream, and physical touch (lots of hugs and/or a massage) will all help with that.
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