A Letter To My 19 Year Old Self

Hi there!

You are about to embark on an exciting new journey. I know you're hoping (thinking) that this excursion will be short lived and you will find the right one easily and soon. The truth is, life itself is a journey, and everything you're about to experience is just the beginning. You're closing the door on an era of innocence and naïveté, and you're entering into unknown waters. You will learn a lot, but the price it comes along with is lots of pain, heartbreak, confusion, and fear. You will have to push limits, drawing on strengths you never knew you had.

I tell you this not to scare you, but to prepare you. You will need to hang onto your hat, and dig deep for that brave face, perseverance, and continue working on that emunah. I know you think you're in a great place with that after an amazing year and new perspectives you gained in seminary, but it will be challenged, a lot, over and over again. It's preparation for the rest of your life. Nothing is a guarantee, and you will learn quickly that Hashem is really in charge. You have to continue to believe that He has a plan for you, and He knows what He's doing. Don't try to drive the bus.

I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of living your life waiting for something to happen. Please don't do that. Even after awhile when you have something you feel like is the next step, something you're living for, when you feel like life is on pause, so much else will seem lifeless. When that happens go out and find things that make you happy now. Take up new hobbies, get involved in community projects, tap into your strengths to make the world around you a better place. Do what you have control over. Draw on your resources. Resilient people get through challenges by believing that there is always something they can do that will help them to manage their feelings and cope with adversity. They draw on social support and reach out to others.

Don't wait around because you don't know when you will have to go on a date or when you will get married and perhaps move away. I know how much you hate cancelling, backing out, and not being able to follow through on things you say. It definitely will be hard to plan and fill up your schedule when you're not sure if you will need to cancel something or back out at the last moment, but do it anyway. Take the job you're not sure will work because you don't really still want to be around here next semester. Make plans for vacations and weekends. You need to live your life now and you will figure things out if you need to change them.

You will meet a lot of cool people, and enjoy that. Have fun seeing new places and doing new things. Learn something from everyone, even if it's a horrible date. Each date is one closer to the right one, and you can find some small merit in each person alone as well. You may not get along with someone, but every person has new perspectives and things to share; listen to them and add what they have to offer to your repertoire of knowledge and random facts.

Be cautious though. Some people may not have your best interests in mind, whatever they tell you. They may think they do, have convinced themselves they do, but ultimately, they don't care if they crush you. You will struggle to find the balance of protecting your heart and giving it over to another so you can try to make sense of a relationship with him. There is no right way to do it; just be true to yourself.

You will get your heart broken, a few times actually. Don't be hard on yourself about that pain. It's natural and normal, and it will ultimately make you stronger. You can't fight it. Love freely; you have to make your own mistakes and follow down those relationships. Even after you get hurt, don't be scared to put yourself out there and take chances, it's the only way you can truly connect and create a deep meaningful relationship with someone.

Stop caring what everyone else thinks or says. This is your life, and you decide how to live it. Don't buy into "nebach she's still single" stereotypes and stigmas. People can think and assume whatever they want, but just as you won't know why you're not married yet, neither do they. It doesn't matter what they think. You're awesome, and you have the same capabilities as anyone who is married. People unknowingly blind themselves with stupid stigmas and assumptions. Don't fall into that same close-minded trap. Challenge yourself every day; take stock of your beliefs and expectations.

Keep fighting and be yourself. Don't give up on things that are important to you. Believe that you deserve the best, and you will get it. Remember that it's okay to be angry, but realize that "anger is sad's bodyguard." The only way through sadness is actually through. Sadness is uncomfortable, but it's okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. Don't try to escape it. You will learn a lot about yourself throughout this process, and it will ultimately make you into a better person. Don't give that up just because it's hard. You don't have a choice how long the journey will be, so sit back and try to make the best of the ride.

Happy traveling!