The Platonic Relationship

The million dollar question: Can a guy and a girl "just be friends?"

Is it possible for two people who dated seriously to, following their breakup, foster a platonic relationship?

Theoretically, it should be possible. If they didn't cross any lines while they were dating, didn't share anything together that two good friends wouldn't, it's not like they have to figure out how to relate to each other differently, because they've been doing that on a non-physical level up until this point.

Does the simple fact that the person who "set them up" thought they would make a good couple have to dictate the relationship they must have? The reality that they dated for however long and then broke up sort of shows that their relationship falls in a different category. This is especially true if they broke up because they didn't have shared values (one of the top three on the list of factors of marital success and happiness). Best friends don't need to have all the same values, as they can still have a great friendship even if they don't agree on some core beliefs, particularly if they understand each other and communicate well.

With all that said, truthfully, it's probably not that possible for a guy and a girl to be good friends, lean on each other emotionally and stay within platonic parameters. Even if a couple has the ultimate respect for one another and never cross any lines, the way that man (and woman) was created, there's a basic attraction that complicates things. The fact that at least one of them, if not both, will have to set boundaries, adjust feelings, and pretend that s/he is happy the way things are, means that the relationship cannot be platonic.

Things may be a little different on the girl's end, but unless he's truly not attracted to her, perhaps she's really unattractive or he's gay, this usually does not work. (If the girl is attracted to him even if he's not attracted to her this doesn't work either. It's just more likely for a girl not to see guy like that because girls are less physical.) And, when a girl leans on someone emotionally, she starts to see him differently even if she wasn't previously attracted to him.

Real platonic relationships are extremely rare. You can, however, pretend your relationship is platonic, and sometimes that works well enough.

Breakup Etiquette

While some people need alcohol to be themselves on a date, my friends joke that I probably need all my inhibitions to behave. If someone buys me an alcoholic beverage, he might get more than he bargained for. It will actually probably be fun, but once upon a time when a date got me a Jack and Coke, it emboldened me to break up with the fellow. I can't remember the details, but I'm sure it was probably in motion already at the time. Without the Jack I likely would have just discontinued the shidduch through the shadchan. (It was a beginning date. The discussion regarding communication and at what point you should break up in person rather than through a shadchan will follow.)

There are many different things to take into the equation regarding how to break-up. Personally, I feel like one of the worse things you can do is blindside someone. It's insensitive to take a girl on a long date, have a really nice time together, say nothing to her when dropping her off (or even tell her "I had a nice time") and then tell the shadchan you do not want to see her again.

Communication is super important to me. I will often have a conversation with a guy (after reaching a certain point in a shidduch) about how it's difficult to put ourselves out there and try to build a relationship when we know that either one of us can go back to the shadchan and end it any time. I find it's more helpful when trying to build a personal connection with someone to suggest that after this point there will a discussion about why it won't work if either of us decide to end it.

I know that not everyone dates like I do, and for some it's more comfortable to break-up through the shadchan. It can be more hurtful to hear it straight from someone rather than through a third party. However, because of this previously mentioned blindsiding problem, this is not always a good solution.

Generally the rule is that if you are communicating directly and have dropped the shadchan, you cannot go back to the shadchan and ask him/her to do your dirty work. It's also disrespectful to the person that you're dating. Even if you have not yet dropped the shadchan, perhaps it is still the right thing to let the other person know that you don't think things are going to work. It's a case by case thing, and you need to use your intuition.

Break-up speeches can also make or break the relationship. Be nice, be polite, and you don't have talk about every single thing you think went wrong. The shidduch might be over, but you don't have to ruin what you did have or walk away with a bad taste in your mouth. Sometimes it is helpful to discuss what doesn't work, because it will be beneficial to know why you won't want to revisit the idea in the future. Comprehensive break-up talks are also constructive in terms of closure. I'm all about closure, but I'll tackle that another time perhaps.

People often get paralyzed and don't know what to say when they're breaking-up with someone. One dude told me, "In all my dating I haven't met anyone who had the whole package like you, yada yada yada (a little elaboration here). I just don't think it'll work marriage-wise." After I told him I understood and no sweat, he started his speech all over again. I know he felt bad or perhaps stupid for walking away, but, really, why is it my job to placate you when you're breaking-up with me?!

Often people will go with the "It's not you, it's me," line, but that really means nothing. If you don't know what to say, try something sincere. I generally attempt to find something really great about the person and compliment him about it as a means to take the sting out of the breakup. Here's a depiction of how something like that would go: In our example, the guy I'm breaking up with is someone who's extremely refined and very sensitive. Maybe I appreciate this, maybe I don't, but either way, "You're really an amazing person, and I know the right girl will genuinely appreciate your refinement and sensitivity." In that sense I don't have to say that it's something I don't necessarily value, I compliment him on something I know he holds as something that's fundamental to who he is, and I give him hope for the future. Win win.

You obviously need to tweak the wording and the formula a bit to fit your situation, because breakup lines should not sound contrived. Canned lines are more of an insult than anything else. If you can't even speak from the heart to break-up with me, then was our relationship worth anything?

How to Win My Heart

I'm a hopeless romantic, a sucker for romantic gestures and basically in love with love. On a good day this is tempered by a modicum of sarcasm to keep things real –– the idealistic dreamer in me steered by the realistic skeptic.

I don't mind dating, because I like meeting new people and connecting with them. The one-and-dones do grate on me though, and I would probably prefer to skip those altogether given a choice. I hate endless dating as much as the next gal, and I would rather settle down with "The One," but I can appreciate the process with someone I've clicked with.

Stiff formal shidduch dating can be a drag for me, and I prefer hanging out in more relaxed environments and doing fun things together. Hotels dates are okay once I've been dating someone for awhile and we just want to chill or have a serious conversation, because there's only so much small talk I can handle with no distractions. I especially like connection-focused activities like Loaded Questions-type games that foster self-disclosure, vulnerability, transparency, and closeness.

The setting of a date also plays a part, and the ocean or other beautiful natural scenery gets extra points. When we're talking restaurant ambience, I go for the steakhouse over the pizza shop every time. A cute cafe works too, but if we're talking dinner, fleishig over milchig all the way.

I'll often have a talk about where we're holding in a relationship, and I always want to know what he's thinking/feeling and if we're on the same page. Genuineness and the ability to be real is really important for me in a relationship. Flowers, gifts for no reason, letters, and Love Actually-esque romantic gestures are my thing. I enjoy connecting, communicating, and building relationships.

How to Date "Out-of-Town"

Dating is always a little bit more complicated when a couple lives in two different cities where there is a commute that's longer than an hour or two. Even one or two dates can get complicated, and that potentially increases by dates three through whenever things start getting a little more serious (and the couple can work out kinks by communicating directly).

It's a smart practice to set up a date with a potential time for the next date. Because one person or the other will likely be traveling to the other's city, it makes sense to try to get in more than one date at a time. This doesn't mean that either party is committing to two (or more) dates at a time, but rather saying that if this date goes well and we want to go out again, such-and-such would be a good time. They can just as easily decide not to go out again and forget about the fact that they already arranged a potential time for another date.

In the same vein, it's important to get back to the shadchan (or each other) in a timely manner after each date, as perhaps the couple can get in another date before the one who traveled in returns home. Or, travel plans will need to be set up for the next date and advance notice is always helpful with that.

Because it is likely that there will be more time in between dates when there is traveling involved, keep in mind that momentum is crucial in a shidduch. Often couples will not be communicating between (beginning) dates, so they can lose familiarity and comfort if too much time elapses between when they speak to each other. They don't want to have to start all over again each date. Phone and skype dates can be helpful to bridge that gap, but be careful with them, because they have their own potential pitfalls.

One person should not expect either person to do all the traveling. Sharing the commuting is the most mentchlach way to go about it. Meeting up halfway can work well too when the distance is only a few hours by car. Websites like whatshalfway.com and meetways.com can help you find venues almost exactly midway between your two locations.

Sending your date home (if s/he is traveling) with a care package is thoughtful and sweet, but be careful not to string someone along if you don't plan on continuing things. Similarly, think about what you're up to relationship-wise before you ask someone to text you when they arrive home safely.

There is a school of thought regarding treating long distance dating like local dating in terms of speaking with/hearing back from the shadchan and deciding whether or not you would like to see your date again. It can create undue pressure for either party if s/he feels like s/he has to make decisions really quickly or must continue dating someone because s/he is already in his/her city. On the flip-side, the couple may decide not to go out again because there is traveling involved, but if they were in the same city, they would likely have gone out again. It complicates things less if the traveling is not considered as part of the "Do I Want To See This Person Again?" dilemma.

All the aforementioned speak to a sampling of practical issues involved with dating someone who currently resides somewhere outside of your immediate vicinity, but keep in mind as well that sometimes there are cultural gaps and the like when a couple come from different geographical backgrounds.

This is Why You're Not Married

No, we aren't all broken just because we're past the age of 23 and not married. However, there are things that can get in the way of happy engagement.

Perhaps you believe the myth that if a guy is "older" and not married (I think "they" mean 28+, but who can keep track of all the specifics involved with society's stereotypes?) it means he's just not ready to get married because at any given moment he has a list of girls at his ready, and girls are at the mercy of a guy deciding he wants to date her.

Commitment issues can be a real problem, and they don't just go away when the "right" one comes along. I've definitely been in the company of some young people who get so paralyzed by indecision that if they don't know what to do, they do nothing at all. Either they will keep dating until the other person gets fed up and breaks it off, or they will slowly sabotage it, because the thought of committing is too crippling.

Having a distinct picture in your head, and/or believing certain things are non-negotiable can also be impediments to marriage. Obviously there are specific things that are necessary in a good relationship, but sometimes people pick on stupid things and think that because the person doesn't match the exact depiction of who they pictured they would marry that this must not be their bashert.

Often overbearing and interfering moms can make things complicated too. Perhaps the parent believes her child needs one thing, but in reality that isn't the case. This can certainly hold the child back from finding his spouse, especially if the mother is vetting all his suggestions. Sometimes parents can meddle so much that the child himself/herself can't even make his/her own choices.

Middos is another reason why some people stay single. Yes, there are mean, lazy, manipulative people that get married young and amazing extraordinary people that are still single at 30. However, sometimes people are hindered by bad middos or psychological issues that they need to work out or improve before they can enter into a healthy relationship.

As much as it's obnoxious and irritating when people say that singles are just picky, sometimes it's the truth. Honestly, if someone wants to be picky, let him/her be picky. S/he's picking a life partner, not an ice cream flavor! But in all seriousness, sometimes singles are choosy about ridiculous things. They buy into stupid stereotypes or think they need a certain look or age for example. At the end of the day, I say meet the person first and see if it actually, in reality, bothers you.

So, we don't know why people aren't married. It's a gezeira perhaps, a nisayon. But, we also have bechira, and we can mess things up for ourselves. Some people just genuinely haven't met the right one, while others perchance have some work to do. It's not for anyone to judge.

Thanks-giving

It's so easy to get caught up in the negatives in life. We often focus on what we don't have, because that's easier and provides us with a false sense of control. However, if we would be able to look outside of our pain and feeling of lackingness, we could concentrate on what we have. In fact, paying attention to all that we do have helps us rise above pain and lack, because we then recognize that despite missing something we really want, we have so much else.

Making a list of all the things we're thankful for is a humbling exercise. Just starting from all the abilities we have that are G-d-given, like hearing, smelling, tasting, seeing, feeling, breathing, etc., to the things G-d has put into play in our world, like color and tasty foods, beautiful landscapes, to the ability to learn, to forget, resilience, compassion...the list is endless.

Hakaras hatov is super important. It not only is a nice practice and makes the person you are thanking feel good, but it changes who you are. It's the recognition that you are not an entity onto yourself, and that G-d gives us so many things that we may not deserve. It's validation and recognition. It's important not only towards G-d, but the people in our lives too.

We may not always recognize what people have done for us (and we already talked about how important it is to give proper hakaras hatov to a shadchan), but it's a positive practice to regardlessly constantly be gracious and effusive with our praise and acknowledgement. It costs nothing, yet it's so valuable.

Hope Springs Eternal

We call this "hope." It's that thing that keeps us going when it's dark, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. It's the emotion we feel when we talk to someone who understands what we're going through and can give us some direction. It's the mixed feelings we experience when we "get a yes" from a potential date.

Hope is the thing with feathers; it's the feeling that blossoms slowly from within, pulling you away from despair.

Hope is about possibility, dark clouds fading and sunshine peeking through trying to enter your world. It's empowering, a push to continue trying and moving forward. A phoenix emerging from ashes.

Meeting Shadchanim

There are two types of shadchanim: those that are nice and genuinely want to help, and then there are those that look down their nose at people, try their best to intimidate them and tell them why their not married.

Many people, girls especially, feel like meeting shadchanim can be dehumanizing. They become less of a person and more of facts on a paper or maybe even a statistic.

I once met a shadchan who asked me yes or no questions, checking off boxes in his database. Baal teshuva okay? Divorced home? Beard? Sfardi background? Colored shirts?

Honestly, asking about type, personality, and if there are any deal breakers for me would have been more efficient.

It's especially nice when shadchanim sit with you and get to know you as a person. Maybe they know someone for me, or maybe they don't, but at least they made me feel like a person and not an item.

There are those that think they know all reasons why singles are not married, and they are going to fix all the issues. Once a shadchan told me that what I'm looking for doesn't exist. He asked me to name him the yeshiva that someone who was a "good try" went to. When I did, he told me that, "That's the bottom of the barrel. You don't want a boy from there. Besides, those guys are batteling all day. The person you dated for sure did x,y,z." I know for a fact the guy did not, but the shadchan knows better even if I never told him the name of the "good try."

Another instance, a shadchan, after talking to me for a couple minutes about what I'm looking for, said to me, "You don't want to be 30 and not married, so what do you feel you should compromise on?" Who the heck do you think you are to tell me that? You asked what I'm looking for. I told you what I want, the types that generally work for me, but I never said that I wouldn't consider anyone that didn't match all these criteria. And I told her as much (in a much sweeter way). She wouldn't take that from me. "You might say that, but you're not married, so are you really compromising?"

Sometimes I'll meet a shadchan and s/he wants to know, "So, what isn't working for you?" or "Tell me someone you dated seriously and why it didn't work." I get that they need a reference point, but first off, this can get into lashon hara very quickly, and second of all, I can't help it if you don't know any of the fellows I dated or don't know the guy like I do, so you can't understand what I mean. I can tell you that what I'm looking for is a bit of a unique blend, but what about all those singles that are looking for someone more cut and dry but just aren't married yet?

At the end of the day Hashem is m'zaveg zivugim and meeting shadchanim is just jellybeans, but sometimes it's just really tiresome.

Protocol and Pretenses

Opening car doors is an act of gallantry, superfluous perhaps, but chivalrous.

Some girls roll their eyes at such gentlemanly acts, frustrated with stereotypical gender roles, or maybe it's the fact that they feel like it's a show. My father still opens doors for my mother, my sisters and me. It's not a front; it's real. The question is, is the fellow on the date genuine or just doing it because someone told him to?

When a guy opens a car door for me, but then he totally botches up a simple request for napkins (which were at his elbow) when I get whipped cream in my hair, it leaves me scratching my head.

Opening doors in general could get questionable, because typically that means that the girl is walking in front of the guy. Although, when he enters first and is walking ten paces ahead, that is not very attractive either. (We can stand to take a lesson from what we learned in Kindergarten: "Just walk beside me...")

Perhaps a better gauge is does he walk the girl to the door, or at least wait until she's gotten inside, when he drops her off? It's about being a man, taking care of your girl. I do appreciate a young man who wants to take care of me.

Offering a drink to a girl on a date is another one. If you were sitting and talking to anyone for a few hours, wouldn't you offer him a drink? It's not rocket science.

While there is so much silly protocol, I do believe that a lot of it exists for a reason. However, I think we can say that, because of the way shidduch dating works, if he doesn't follow "protocol" it probably means something, but if he does, does that just mean someone coached him well or is he really a gentleman?

Where to Go on a Date

Most of the time it isn't so much about the venue as it is the company of the person you're with. Some of my best dates have been long car rides (driving a couple of hours between cities), a walk along the High Line at sunset, just chilling at a rooftop lounge in the city, or a stroll along an empty boardwalk.

When you've been dating for awhile, first dates can have a Groundhog Day effect, so it's important to spice those up a little; don't always take your date to a hotel lounge. I think some people got a little mixed up, and they don't realize that hotel lobbies are no-nos. It's distasteful to take someone to a Best Western or Hampton Inn type place where there is no bar/lounge and the only place to sit are the two armchairs tucked in some corner somewhere.

I'm pretty sure that the guy was looking for a specific reputable airport hotel, but when he kept making wrong turns and his TomTom got frustrated at his inability to follow directions, he pulled up to an airport motel. We legitimately sat in the only two seats in the 12x12 lobby. I think he wanted to offer me a drink, but probably the only option was the water fountain. 

Hotels are okay as long as they have a bar/lounge, and it's a space where people are meant to hang out. Lounges work especially well when you want to talk, so they can be the serious half of a date where the other half you're doing something active. Waterfront venues or other scenic views get extra points in my personal opinion.

Starbucks and Barnes and Noble work just fine too, but be creative and check out other funky coffee shops and book stores. Think about what you want to do in a book store; are you just looking for a different atmosphere to have a conversation? Many such places are silent, so you'd be better off finding somewhere else where you can make some noise if you plan on hashing out whether Trump really can win the election and/or run the country.

I've heard lots of mixed reviews about going to a supermarket on a date. Some are of the camp that it can be cute to peruse the aisles of an upscale supermarket like Fresh Market, Whole Foods, or Wegmans and sit down with a snack. You can also always bring along a game to liven up any locale.

Food is always a good bet, although some girls are weird about eating on the first couple of dates. Keep in mind that you probably don't want to take your date to a hole-in-the wall pizza shop. If you plan on going to eat after you've gone somewhere else, don't know exactly what area you'll end up in or what time, so you can't make reservations, again, no sweat, just be creative. Text a friend for an idea (one you know knows the area or can look it up for you) and then call to see when they'll have a table available, making your way there only when it will be ready. Or, you can ask a friend to make your reservation for you.

Parks and malls are good places to walk around, and if you're looking for an activity, it's pretty known that arcades is usually the go-to. And, activities exist outside of Dave & Buster's. Try skeet shooting, archery, and find out if it's okay to go to a gun range (some say handling a gun is klei gever for a girl). Pottery throwing, pottery and glass painting, glass blowing or glass fusion, paint nites, and candle-making are all activities you can do too. I personally dislike mini golf and driving ranges, but they can make an enjoyable experience for some. Shooting pool, ping pong, batting cages, and if you're okay with bowling, there are those. Board game cafes can make fun dates, and Escape Rooms recently became all the rage. Strayboots or other like scavenger hunts can also work if you want something to do. Museums and other location specific places can provide you with fresh scenery.

That's really just a sampling of ideas, but keep in mind, there is always something you can do. Don't take your date to the same (type of) place over and over again. Besides, don't you want to see him/her in different settings?

Happy for You but Sad for Me

When she found herself in a position where she felt like she couldn't be happy for someone because it rubbed in her face what she didn't have, she made a point of calling me and saying, "I get how you probably felt when I got married. I'm really sorry if me getting married caused you pain. Do you forgive me for it?"

I don't feel like there's anything for me to forgive. You can't not live your life, because I'm stuck here at this Waiting Place in mine by no fault of my own. I'm not hurt by you, I'm not upset at you, I'm hurt by the situation, I'm upset at where I am...that has nothing to do with you.

I truly wish I could be completely happy for all those friends and relatives who celebrate these milestones ahead of me. It's just really hard. I feel like my joy would be that much more complete if I wasn't still here in this place trying to navigate the same crazy dating maze. (Some of them were in elementary school when I started dating!) It's hard to be as happy for other people when their happiness causes me pain simply because it reminds me that everyone else has what I want and I can't/don't have it (at least right now and don't know when I will).

It starts me down the rabbit hole of when will it be my turn, am I destined to grow old alone, where is my light at the end of the tunnel, why am I so stuck, what is wrong with me, just hurting... How do I hold onto happiness?

Baggage: Disclosing Sensitive Information

We had already been on nine dates, for some people that's long past the number where they've put a ring on it. At the end of number nine he dropped his bombshell, his neat parcel of "Here's my baggage, now you know." Actually, it wasn't so neat, as I remember, he faltered and cried. (Not that I blame him, really, but he walked away all content on having gotten all that off his chest, and now I was left holding the bag.)

Because of the way shidduchim works and the manner in which we date, having baggage is complicated. When do you tell? How much do you tell? Generally the consensus is to disclose the information when you're at a point in the relationship where you feel comfortable with the other person, feel like things are going positively and have serious potential, but not at a point where you're already emotionally involved and the other person will feel like s/he can't break up with you without major emotional consequences.

In the secular world, and perhaps in circles where people meet organically, the couple can get to know each other and see all the positive aspects of each other, understanding someone's challenges in context, before having to make a snap judgement about a particular characteristic or issue someone might have. We've been trained to be on the lookout for concerns, deviations from the norm, all good things that fall under the category of stigmas and stereotypes.

I don't think it should so much be about "is there something wrong with this person," but "is this something that works for me, us?" We get so scared of people who aren't superficially perfect. Perhaps we need to realize that everyone has challenges, and when you know what they are, at least you know what you're dealing with.

Obviously bipolar disorder, divorced home, history of addiction, anorexia, diabetes, incarcerated family member, or whatever else, don't all mean the same thing. And, that's the point. While one person may not be able to deal with one thing, some other thing may be okay for him/her; it might even make the relationship stronger.

Oh, and if you were curious, I didn't break up with the guy because of his skeleton. I accepted him for it, even while I was upset that he waited until number nine to tell me. We broke up about somethings else. He's long married (happily I hope, but I don't have a means to keep tabs...thank G-d), so all's well that ends well.

Turbulence

We enjoyed relatively smooth sailing, but we're a normal family, so we rode the waves a bit, all under normal circumstances like parent-teenage clashes over friendships and small sibling rivalries under the guise of "whose turn is it to...," and the like. It wasn't until I got on this roller coaster of a ride called shidduchim that all this turbulence began.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever felt this frustrated with my family before this tekufah. Granted, I think it's difficult to be an adult child under your parents' roof no matter what the circumstances, especially when you're not married. Because I'm unattached I feel like I'm often still treated like a child. My parents don't tell my married brother, two years my junior, how to live his life...

I get it that my siblings are feeling a little powerless and desperate and are trying to be creative to get me married, and I know they mean well, but I could just scream. The latest and greatest comes from the one who has a chavrusa who has a brother. Always the chavrusa's brother. The way this one was presented though was, "He grew up in the UK. He's in school in the UK. He has never left the UK. He wants to live in the UK. Is that a deal breaker for you?"

So, this is one of my pet peeves. You can't tell me one detail about someone and ask me if I want to marry him. It's like saying, "Want some cake? It has flour in it." What other ingredients does it have? How can I make a decision based on one detail?

"I don't know anything else, but I just want to know if that's a deal breaker before I start working on it."

That's not fair. It doesn't make sense practically, because I live and work here. I can't quit my job to go to England to date someone, even if I felt like he could be in the ballpark. If you don't grow up with shared backgrounds, culturally and hashkafically you're probably light years apart. I have zero information to tell you whether it would be worth my while to even entertain the idea. Even so, I'm made to look like the inflexible one here.

Why in the world do you think it's an idea in the first place if you don't know anything about him; is it because he's "a little older?" You don't have to hustle that much.

Then there are the parental units. Of course they only have my good in mind, but while they're usually really good about giving me space, they sometimes forget that I'm an adult and that I need to make my own decisions and mistakes.

The constant debate is about "looking into" names. While they think you need to do as much research as you possibly can (you can't really be sure that what people say about someone is what you think they're saying anyway, so what's the point), I feel like it's a big waste of time. Yes, I want to know something about the person I might date, enough to know if it's shyuch at all, but often I can tell if it's worthwhile from date one. All those phone calls and stress because we can't find someone who can actually talk to this point about him or that, are totally superfluous.

They get upset when I "give a yes," without discussing it with them. I try not to do that, but I can't always wait for the investigation team to complete its operations. I don't feel it's right to make someone wait so long for an answer, especially if I'm going to end up saying "thanks but no thanks."

The problem then is that no good can come from going behind their back, because I respect them too much. If I then tell them that I'm doing x,y,z, we end up fighting about it. It's a catch-22.

Before this parsha, we didn't argue like this. I hate how this has made everyone so emotional and desperate.

How Long Should A First Date Be?

Again with the rules and regulations of dating...I feel like this one should be intuitive, but I'm going to spell it out here, because so often it goes so wrong. I'm sure many out there may not agree with this, but I guess because it's my blog, this is about my preferences. Everyone is welcome to have their own opinions and methods.

While it could be organic, letting the date naturally come to an end when the two of you have effectively checked off all your first date duties, ie. making small talk and getting a general sense of the person, for some reason, perhaps simply because you generally do not know this person you're on a first date with and can't read their subtle cues, this doesn't always work out very well. We're then left with a question of how long should this first date ideally be?

There are a few things to consider in this equation. It's considered rude for a young man to take a girl home too soon even if the date is going disastrously (perhaps because that means he's writing her off or disregarding the effort it took to get to this point in the dating process, who knows), and on her end, it's a yeihareg v'al ya'avor for her to end a date. Also, while the fellow may be enjoying himself and his date's company, perhaps she's not enjoying herself at all. He may not know that because he may not be able to tell if she's having a good time, because he's just met her. Additionally, first dates can only go so long, even if the couple hits it off, because it's generally all small talk. There's only so much small talk you can do at a time. Did I mention I hate small talk?

Save for those unlikely exceptions, I think first dates should have a 2-3 hour cap. And, honestly, if the date is a non-starter, just check in with each other and see if you guys want to continue to pull teeth, or you can graciously give up after an hour or so (long enough to know you gave it a fair shot) and not waste more of each others' time.

The Perfect Shidduch

"I know a guy. Do you think he's for you?"

"Uhh, what can you tell me about him?"

"I don't really have any details, but can you send me your resume?"

"Sure, but I'm just curious, why do you think it's a good idea if you don't really know him?"

"Why are you being so picky? Don't you want to get married?!"

(Silence. There's no good answer to that one.)

"And send me a picture, but not that one or that one. C'mon! Don't you have a better picture? Here, let me take one right now."

I know you mean well, but just because he has a Y chromosome and wears some version of a head-covering does not mean that it's the "perfect shidduch." I know you think you're being helpful when you hear of a guy who is "a little bit older," so you think of me. Honestly, age is just a number and I wouldn't "say no" because of age (unless he's 7+ years older than me), but we do have to be able to relate.

Guy X, a guy who I didn't think was shyuch for me (mostly because of the generation gap), worked for many months trying to figure out who could convince me to go out with him (and he managed to find several). I finally agreed to see him, and we couldn't find one single thing to talk about. His siblings were my parents' age, his nieces and nephews were my age, his parents my grandparents' age. We didn't grow up in the same generation. We just didn't have anything in common.

You don't think it matters that he's 5'3"? No, I'm not 5'4"(when was the last time you saw me in person?), and actually an inch does matter. I'm 5'6," and, in reality, several inches matter. I'm most comfortable with quite a few inch height difference, where he's a good number of inches taller than 5'6".  (But, for the record, I will go out with someone if he doesn't meet this preference if everything else about him sounds on the mark. When the only things you know about him/are telling me are strikes against him in my book, we're already starting from negative territory.)

Not only his religious observance, but his hashkafos and frumkeit boil down to values. Those are not superficial differences! It's actually the backbone of the relationship. I probably can get along with anyone if I like him enough, but as a friend, not a spouse!

It's okay if you don't know anyone for me, especially if you don't know me. I would be happy to have a conversation with you about me and what I'm seeking in a spouse if you're really that interested. I would also appreciate that you extend this curtesy to the guy who you are suggesting for me so that you know something about him aside from his age.

What Type of Dater Are You?

The Romantic -- You fiercely believe in love in its finest form and impress these feelings onto your relationships. It may result in scaring someone off, falling for the wrong person, and/or attempting to turn your life into a movie. Or, may result in some of the best, most inspiring, deepest relationships.

Romantics' types include, but are not limited to, ENFJs and ENFPs.

The Adventurer -- You seek out a life partner primarily for life's adventures, and you don't feel the need for overly romantic gestures, saccharine phrases, or deep discussions about life. May result in minimizing serious emotions and the like in favor of "just seeing where things go." Or, may result in a fun, spontaneous relationship that keeps both parties excited and satisfied.

Typically ESFPs, ESTPs.

The Serial Monogamist -- It's most uncomfortable for you to be alone. Feelings of love and romance are not virtually as strong as the Romantic's, but you have an intense need to be with someone at every stage. May result in jumping into a relationship without having gotten over another one first, settling for someone for as not to be alone, and not taking the time to figure out who you are on your own. Or, may result in powerful commitment that can help a commitment-phobe give love a real shot.

Typically ENTJs, INTPs.

The Drifter -- You generally seek solitude and freedom from "being tied down." May result in missed opportunities and treating others poorly (as you're not really that into connecting like they may be). Or, may result in a high level of self- awareness and confidence in relationships that you do choose to stay in. 

Typically INTJs, ENTPs, ISTPs.

The Cynic -- You refuse to buy into anything the movies, your friends, or your lovey-dovey grandmother has told you about love and romance. You primarily believe that most relationships are doomed and try to protect yourself when you find yourself in them. May result in holding back from expressing your feelings, mostly expecting things to go wrong, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or, may result in amazing loyalty once you do let someone in because you do this so infrequently and take it very seriously.

Typically INFJs, ISFJs, ISFPs.

The Loyalist -- Your greatest strength when it comes to love is your devotion. You're not as idealistic as the Romantic, but you probably will fall much more deeply when it happens. May result in getting stuck in the past, overlooking a partner's flaws, and, honestly, allowing yourself to get walked all over. Or, may result in special capacity to forgive and let things go, lending space to heal and create a super strong bond.

Typically ISTJs, ESTJs.

The Dreamer -- You view romance and relationships as the ultimate act of self-fulfillment, seeking constant change and growth. May result in a perpetual desire to define and improve relationships and lose faith when relationships doesn't turn out exactly as you imagined. Or, may result in incredibly deep romantic connections and emotional bonds. 

Typically INFPs, ESFJs.

Obviously, life experience plays a large part in molding your Dater persona. For this reason, you may find that you exhibit a combination of these characteristics and can't define yourself by one type. Also, your personality type may not place you in a category here, as your Myers-Briggs traits aren't typically expressed. And of course, you may not have bought into pop culture, and so you don't not have any of these above notions about love and romance.

Thanks to the Shadchan

We have a practice of giving shadchanus to the shadchan involved in a successful shidduch.  It's hakaras hatov, it's mesora, it's important.

It's also important to extend your appreciation to those who set you up even when it does not work out. It is difficult sometimes to do this when the guy/girl was really not for you, and/or you spend a couple of weeks in turmoil dating someone. Either way, this third party extended time, effort, etc. even before you met your date. It's only proper to say thank you.

Saying thank you should be a given, and writing a thank you note (card or even email) is even better. A small gift is nice too; a big gift more appropriate for a longer dating stint and/or a situation where the person put in a lot of work.

There have been stories about people who forgot to give their shadchan shadchanus and all sorts of bad things happened. Hakaras hatov is super important. In a similar vein, it's essential to thank those that set you up even if it doesn't go past a few dates. I've heard the idea that a bas kol named, not only your zivug, but all the people that you need to/will date before meeting the right one. So, "shadchanus" is appropriate in both situations. If you don't end up marrying the person, give hakaras hatov on a smaller scale.

Being a shadchan can be a thankless job when your effort doesn't pay off. Don't be one of those people who forget to say thanks to the shadchan.

Smart Ways to Date

If you've been dating for awhile, you probably know what does and doesn't work for you in negotiating a relationship. Hopefully you know how to successfully navigate the playing field, or maybe you don't, and perhaps these insights will come in handy.

As always, I'm going to start with a caveat: no one thing works for everyone. You have to know yourself, and obviously differently people operate differently. Here are just a few random tips that I've picked up along the way.

▶︎ I've seen it where people get so paralyzed by "I'm not sure if I really like this person! Maybe I should stop dating him/her." Perhaps because of the desperation factor for many, they may keep dating someone they should have let go a long time ago. On the flip side, people may break up too quickly, because there is something superficial that is bothering them.

There is no timeline. Dating someone is not commitment to marriage.  The only commitment in saying "yes" to go out again is the commitment of one more date. Instead of dating with the mindset of "Do I want to marry this person?" In the beginning, try working with, "Do I want to spend more time with this person?" If the idea of sharing another couple hours with your date is appealing, go for it. If it isn't, you need to ask yourself very seriously why not and if you should still be going out.

▶︎ Don't be afraid to be vulnerable, and let the other person know what you're thinking. It's always a positive practice to communicate effectively. Shidduch dating can be stressful, especially when there's a third party go-between that is micromanaging the relationship. Being open and honest with each other is extremely important toward building a healthy relationship. If you have an issue with something that happened or something that is going on, talk about it. Keep things simple; say what you feel, and don't beat around the bush. (And IMHO here, things work a lot better when you communicate directly to set up dates. You're both adults; you can handle it.)

▶︎ Don't assume people will change. What you see is what you get. Your date is not your project; you cannot, and should not, try to fix, change, or domesticate someone. Every person needs to be individually responsible for treating the other right, being accountable, committing, and staying connected. One of you can't carry the relationship alone. If you're uncomfortable with things each other do while you're dating, or your relationship dynamic, it's a red flag. These things don't change after you get married.  

▶︎ Throw out your "list," and stop vetting your dates against what you are "looking for." That's fine to do while you are evaluating whether or not you want to go out with said individual, but once you're already dating him/her, stop trying to check off boxes. Does it feel right? Do you share the same values? The person you end up marrying may not match that picture you had in your head all your life, and that's okay! (Also, stop comparing him/her to other people you've dated. It's not helpful.)

▶︎ It's always a good idea when you're ending a relationship to define why. If you had a good run, even if you didn't date each other that long, but you got emotionally involved, try to talk things out and clarify what happened. It will help you later if you have thoughts about trying again. More on communication, clarity and closure another time.

▶︎ Pay attention to what people who have your best interests at heart are saying about who you are in the relationship you're in. It's always possible that some people won't "get" the person you're dating. If it's a personal preference type thing, feel free to ignore; however, that's totally different than people saying that they don't like who you've become, or they get bad vibes about the guy/girl. It's usually nearly impossible to be objective, so that feedback is important.  

Are We All Broken?

Things that define someone as "damaged," ie. hold people back from walking down the aisle, is perhaps a different post. (Whether more complicated/multifaceted people, take longer to get married is another topic as well.) The subject here, are all singles over a certain age "broken," ie. worn down by the system, jaded, and/or hurt?

Recently, a friend of mine was complaining about a guy she was dating's behavior. The shadchan told her that at this stage everyone is going to "have something." Does this mean that every single over a certain age has something wrong with him/her and that is why they're single, or being in shidduchim this long ravages our emotional wellbeing?

In a conversation with a fellow on a date, he suggested that you can assume that everyone over a certain age has had a broken engagement or otherwise serious relationship(s). It's not a blanket truth, but generally singles at a certain stage have had their fair share of heartbreak. But, that's the thing, you don't have to walk around with a broken heart until your intended sweeps you away on a white stallion and applies the salve.

In life it is always up to us to fix ourselves. We cannot blame our problems on what happens to us; we must get up and do something about it. We get hurt all the time, but it's up to us what happens next. We have more control than we often allow ourselves to realize. Maybe he didn't have good role models, but then what did he do about that? Perhaps someone crushed my trust in humanity, but what will I do to rebuild that?

I don't believe that we all have to be broken. Mended perhaps, but not broken. There is a big difference. Maybe I'm not as carefree as I was prior to a heartbreak, but I'm stronger for it. Maybe I'm a little more cautious, because I've learned a lesson. I don't let wounds stay open; I work hard to heal myself. So, no, we don't all have to "have something."

To the point regarding if every single over a certain age has something wrong with him/her and that is why they're single...there is no one statement that defines us all. This type of stereotype is unhelpful and demeaning. It also does not mean that there aren't things wrong with people who are not married. Case by case. At some point I'll explore some things that hold people back from tying the knot.

In the meantime, let's all work on being mended, not broken.

Singing Some Songs

Below, shidduch song parodies in honor of Littlest Jellybean's birthday, shared here for your amusement. Please note, some PJs involved, and birthday party festivities add to the entertainment value. 

TTO: You’re a Grand Old Flag

It’s a brand new batch

You’re a high flying catch

Forever a piece you’ll remain

You’re a jellybean of

The LLC we love

That keeps us from going insane

As the years go by

And the suggestions are dry

We can’t wait ’til it’s all in the bag

Let all the dating be forgot

Keep your eye on that pink ol’ flag

___

TTO: Benny Friedman’s Fulfill Your Tefillah

Hey my friends listen up

I know these times are really tough

We’ve had our fair share amount of pain

But dear friends don’t give up

The finish line is mamash utt

Get your bottle ready of champagne

Hey there friends listen here

I know you’ve waited year by year

Don’t ever think your tefillos are in vain

For my friends it is clear your shidduch is very near

For a bas kol called out his name

CHORUS (2x)

It is getting clearer clearer

He’s coming nearer nearer

You can be sure

He’ll be knocking at your door

So let your heart cry

Your prayers will bring the guy

We know for sure

Cuz that’s what we are waiting for

And dear friends we all know

It happens to all of us

Our friends get married one by one

But our dates they come, they go

We’re still here left to show

The right one will come we know

So my friends when you’re alone

Know you’re loved, not on your own

As sisters we feel you, hear your cry

For kol yisroel areivim and kol yisroel chaveirim

We’ll be with you ’til all your tears are dry

CHORUS - 1x

You will acquire

All you desire

All you require

So pray, so pray with fire

So listen friends

We’ll make the tekufah end

If we pray from our soul

Hashem is bound to hear our kol

CHORUS - 2x

____

TTO: Frozen’s Do You Want To Build A Snowman

Do you want to find a husband?

Come on you have to date

No more you swore

He’s at your door

It's not like you to run away...

You used to be elated

And now you’re not

I wish we could find your guy!

Do you find a husband?

It doesn't have to be a shidduch

<<Go away>>

Okay, bye...

Do you want to find a husband?

Or just stew in all the pain

I think some dating is overdue

You might start talking to

the guys that are insane

(Hang in there, friend!)

It gets a little lonely

All these empty dreams

Just watching the hours tick by

(Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock)

Please, I know you're out there

I’m wondering where you’ve gone

They say "have courage," and I'm trying to

I'm waiting (for) you, just c’mon!

We will have each other

Just you and me

What am I gonna do?

I want to find my husband

Where are you?

____

TTO: Newsies’ Seize the Day

Open your door and face your date

Don't be afraid of what’s your fate

Nothing can break you

No one can make you

Give your dreams away

Arise and face your date

Now is the time to give it your all

You’ve checked him out and made all the calls

Yes you may be jaded

Excitement all faded

But please just go on the date

Friend you’ll be friendless, go on the date

Give up the doubt and don’t you wait

Talk to the shadchan

Although it is not fun

Face him, go on the date

It could be a neighbor

It could be his son

One or all, it only takes one

Open your door and face your date

Don't be afraid of what’s your fate

Don't run away, don't abdicate

Don't run away and don't abdicate

Nothing can break you

No one can make you

Give your dreams away

Don’t you belabor

It’s only begun

Just one date, he may be the one!

Flirting With The Truth

He was telling me that he had a negative impression of a specific characteristic that could be used in a description of me. Almost taking it personally, I replied, "Well, I certainly hope I can change your mind about that." "Oh, you already are," he rejoined.

That was on our second date. Many many dates later, after we'd debriefed and established that we had not liked each other from the get-go, I asked him, "Why did you say that to me if you didn't even like me back then?" "Ah, you know," he responded, "I'm just a flirt."

Flirting essentially sends a message to the recipient of the flirtation that A - "I'm interested in you," and/or B - "I want you to be interested in me." Generally flirting is meant to flatter the person being flirted with. It's a message that sometimes says that the person is interested in a deeper/closer relationship, or, on the flipside, it shows superficial interest, a tease, playful banter, usually for amusement purposes. Flirting can also be driven by ego or esteem need, a reinforcement of self image.

To some people flirting comes automatically. They know what they want, and they're not afraid to express it. It's the extended eye contact, the slow smile or smirk, wink, facial expressions, mimicking body language and communication style, compliments, paying attention to what's important to that person and asking about it...

Flirtation is not always attraction-driven, occasionally it's the unwillingness to be genuine or vulnerable, always staying at superficial, putting on a show, holding the world at arms length. Sometimes it's a form of manipulation, drawing someone in to get what you want.

The art of flirtation lies in its ambiguity. As long as it's not serious, you can emotionally step out at any moment. It can take the edge off of something you meant seriously but wasn't sure how was going to be received. If conveyed teasingly, you can always play it off as a joke.

Flirting is truly an art form: it can be this titillating slow dance, or it can be the ultimate chicken dance.

Checking Dor Yesharim

Because I usually ask for a Dor Yesharim number before a first date, I sometimes get funny questions. One guy wanted to know, "So are we compatible? This Dor Yesharim thing is so funny. It's this extra step when it's already so complicated to find out information about someone/even just make it to a first date. Like, you're finding out if we're physically compatible to have a family together. It's sort of awkward."

Checking Dor Yesharim is probably the easiest step in the whole process. Talking to this friend, that mentor, etc. etc., trusting that they're telling you the truth and not just looking out for the person you're asking about, as well as hoping that you have the same understanding of the terms you're using as you do (someone else's "yeshivish,""aidel," or even "open-minded" or "sweet" can be worlds apart from your own meaning) is a whole lot harder.

The whole "checking into" procedure is all about trying to establish compatibility. Checking Dor Yesharim is probably the most concrete way we can do that. It isn't awkward; we're dating for marriage/to have a family together. That's the goal here.

Yes, we're compatible, we wouldn't be on this date if not, but you can also give Dor Yesharim a call if you want.

I'm pretty sure I have good genes, because I've never had an issue with anyone; I've been proven compatible with every guy I've dated. The reason, though, that I check Dor Yesharim before starting to see someone is more logistics than anything else. If you don't check Dor Yesharim on the outset, then when do you decide to check it? When it's getting, but isn't quite yet, serious? Who decides when that is? Will it get awkward when you then ask for a Dor Yesharim number, because you're suggesting it's going somewhere? What if you forget or things move really quickly and you don't have a chance to determine genetic compatibility before it gets serious?

I think the point is to check Dor Yesharim before the relationship gets serious on the off chance that you're not compatible and you'll be devastated if you have to break it off because you're already emotional involved.

Why make things complicated if they can be simple?

Life's Roll Call: Being More Present

Reading about a study cited in the Journal of Positive Psychology regarding people who were asked to notice nature (take a picture of a nature object or scene in their daily routine, and think about how it made them feel), who then in turn reported higher levels (versus the control group) of positive affect and greater friendliness and connectedness with others, made me wonder if just being more present, in general, in our lives leads to these benefits as well.

Often I feel like we're so caught up in what's wrong in our lives. We focus on what we don't have, what we don't like, and what's wrong, because logically that would be the road towards recouping a loss. If you're not aware of what you're missing, you won't go looking for it. We subconsciously fixate on things, because it gives us an illusion of control. Letting go of this worry and only engaging in helpful productive behaviors is ultimately freeing. (What sort of benefit does fretting about when you'll get married or have a date afford you?)

We focus a lot on being single; we can't help it. In a relationship-infested world and marriage-oriented culture, being single makes you the odd one out. It's also often painful. However, if we tried to concentrate more on things outside of ourselves, be more present in our lives -- feeling the pain, processing it and then letting it go, would we be happier?

Dr. Dovid Lieberman, in his book How Free Will Works: The Blueprints to Take Charge of Your Life, Health and Happiness, talks about the concept of pain versus suffering. It's the same approach that Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) uses. We can't control pain, it's a normal side effect of living, but we do decide if we suffer. If you try to avoid and/or numb pain, you end up suffering. Suffering is what you layer on that pain. What is the narrative you're telling yourself? Is it making the pain worse?

Being more present, noticing and accepting positive and negative things, will likely increase our positive affect, friendliness and connectedness to others.

Digitally Stalking An Ex

Amit it, we're all probably guilty of this to varying degrees. Whether it's obsessively checking simcha websites to see when someone you dated gets engaged, or it's full on visiting their Facebook page and/or other social media. It's the day and age in which you can still "stay in the loop" about someone even if you don't talk to him/her or have any mutual friends to keep you updated.

What sort or satisfaction do we get from digitally checking up on an ex though? Does it feel like we're still connected to the person in some way if we watch as he updates his social media? Is it that we just can't let go, so we need to know what the person is up to?

In situations in which it was a serious relationship/break up, I think feeding into this obsession is unhealthy and it infringes on healing. It's really hard to move forward when you have reminders about this person in your face/at your fingertips all the time. Perhaps it isn't exactly "out of sight, out of mind," but it definitely does work the opposite way, "in your sight, on your mind."

As hard as it is, when you're trying to get over someone, get rid of all the things that remind you of him/her. Somethings you can't really help because they may be places you go or songs that come on, and you might listen for minute before you change it. After awhile you'll realize that your mind is clearer and you haven't thought about him/her for awhile. Just a little bit stronger...

Dating Dos and Don'ts

I'm by no means the authority on dating rules, but here's a short compilation of my own reflections regarding "in-date" moves in this dating game.

🙅🏻  Don't mention the future (between you and your date) when you've only just met the person and have no idea where it's going.

While I was on a date with a fellow, he made a reference to his mother's Pesach cookies. "They're so good, you really can't tell they're not chometz," he said, "You'll see." 

Um, will I? It was a second date, in January.

🙅🏻  On the flipside, you don't need to keep prefacing statements with "If we're still dating..." when talking about the future with someone you've been dating for a bit. It's obvious that these things will only take place if you're still dating, and they won't if you're not.

I was dating someone for awhile, and he kept making references to all the things he wanted to do together "if we were still dating." It was almost as if saying I exist in his future was a commitment of sorts he wasn't ready to make.

🙆🏻  If you're in the position that you're responsible for planning the date, have something in mind to do. You don't need to have it planned out from start to finish, nor do you need twenty different options, but please, pretend that you gave it some thought. It means that you respect the other person and this process.

Reference Mr. I'm-Going-Snowboarding in the sixth paragraph of this post.

🙅🏻  Don't always take your date to a hotel. It's this weird thing we do, haunt hotel lounges. Is it because we need a public place to hang out? Are we too cheap to go to places that cost money? Are we just not creative enough to figure out where to go on a date?

Back in the early days, I went out with a guy twelve times. Ten of those dates were to hotel lounges/lobbies. It was great in the sense that we got to know that we could entertain each other with just our intellect/conversation, but beyond that it was incredibly flawed. 

Nowadays even one beginning hotel date is too much for me. If you need ideas, I'm happy to provide.

🙆🏻  Run date plans by your date. Especially if you're on her/his turf, there may be places that s/he's not comfortable going for whatever reason. It may be as simple as your pick of locale is somewhere where s/he may run into many people she would rather not while she's on a date, or perhaps there are other reasons depending on what the venue is.

One Friday afternoon a guy picked me up for a date. He thought he would take me somewhere nearby, because after all it was Friday and we didn't have a lot of time. His pick of location happened to have been somewhere where the entire frum community hangs out on Fridays. Normally I don't care about who I see while I'm on a date, but there are certain places you go with your date if want to make a statement that you're serious about this guy, so you don't care who sees you with him. 

🙆🏻  If you're eating or drinking something on a date, offer your date, the same thing you would do with a friend. It's impolite to get a drink for yourself but ignore the fact that you're with someone. Rookie mistake. Always think about the other person you're with.

There are too many examples of people not thinking about me, so I'll give you an example of someone who did it right. 

Seems like he stopped for a drink while filling up gas on his way to pick me up. He had gotten himself a drink, so he got one for me too and offered it to me when I got into his car. 

Another time, I had traveled to meet a guy for a date, and before I left to go home, he walked me to my car and gave me a care package for the ride back. It was a little awkward because he also asked me to let him know when I got home, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go out with him again. But even so, it was really sweet. 

🙅🏻 Be genuine, but match your transparency level to date number, how well you know your date and mutual comfort level in the relationship. Dating is much like real life. It's not socially appropriate or emotionally fair to spill your guts or air dirty laundry to someone you've only just said hello to. Once you've even just established a baseline, this changes accordingly. Pay attention to social cues.

Case in point, warning from the guy about his crush in the second to last paragraph here.  

Busy Busy

"It's sooo nice you're keeping busy," she cooed.

Yes, I am a girl with assorted hobbies; there are a lot of things I enjoy doing and engage in regularly. I'm always involved in various projects, and I fill up my time with numerous meaningful pursuits. I try not to come home from work, sit in the dark and cry because I'm not coming home to a husband and kids. I also don't like to sit around and watch TV/movies; it gets boring after awhile, and I just end up feeling like I'm wasting my time.

I like most things nature, and depending on the weather, I'm hiking, biking, climbing (@ItTakesALongTimeToBecomeYoung you still owe me a double black), and I have a fondness for water-sports. I fancy myself an amateur photographer, my photos mostly of landscapes/seascapes and other natural scenery. I dabble in photobook creation and video editing/making. Around Purim that becomes some serious scriptwriting/improv, acting, and Purim shpiel video production.

I have a penchant for all things crafty, and so I do a fair amount of DIY projects and crafting. Sometimes I make jewelry, and I'd love one day to maybe even learn how to sew professionally to actually create the styles I sketch. I design too, graphic design for flyers, cards, webpages, and the like, and I mess around in interior decorating, working with layouts, color schemes, and furnishings. Painting is therapeutic for me; I mostly work with acrylics on canvas (though on occasion it'll be watercolor, gouache, or oil paint), natural landscapes my muses for the most part. I've completed a wall mural or two as well.

Not sure if this counts as a hobby, but I'm the one planning parties, picking themes, finding venues, arranging/designing tables and centerpieces, and making up games. Working out is another pastime of mine, though that's mostly just to stay fit/healthy. I like cooking and sometimes baking too, always on the lookout for delicious new concoctions. I also read a fair amount, and I try to keep up on all things important. Nightly learning with a friend keeps me going too.

I do a lot of writing –– currently maintaining this blog, blogging occasionally for my professional website, writing a book, and laying the groundwork for a novel I'm planning to co-author. My writing has recently expanded to composing song (lyric)s, and I still pen and disseminate Torah thoughts for each chag.

Traveling and vacationing is on the list too, but I think I'd be able to put more pins in the map if I had a bulkier cash flow and a regular vacation buddy. Like every normal girl, I also like just chilling with friends and going shopping.

All of the aforementioned, plus spending time with family and friends, and working full-time, along with other random pursuits, keep my life pretty full.

Why is it because we're single, we're "keeping busy," but our married counterparts are just living their lives and filling it with productive enjoyable ventures?