(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
In this week's parsha, we read the incident in which Yaakov Avinu wins the feud against Esav's malach. The pasuk tells us that Yaakov's name is changed to Yisroel because he bested both man and angel.
Rashi tells us that after Yaakov beat Esav's angel no one could say that he took Esav's brachos illicitly. It was clear from the fact that he won the fight that the brachos were rightly his. How is this so?
The Zera Shimshon calls upon a Gemara in Sanhedrin (93a) that says that a righteous man is greater than an angel. However, this is only accurate if the man is completely righteous. Yaakov could have never beat Esav's malach had he not been completely righteous in taking Esav's blessings.
As Rashi explains, the fact that Yaakov won the fight and his name was changed to Yisroel, this proves that he wholly deserved these brachos.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayishlach
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Get A Clue...Here Are Some For Free
A lull in the conversation, well actually, that would indicate there was a conversation going on. A random attempt at conversation, "So, what do you do when you aren't working?"
I have many hobbies and so the list was long. When I shared that I write, the next question that followed was, "What do you write?"
"I'm working on a book, and I blog."
"You missed the boat on that one, didn't you? People don't really do that anymore."
Excuse me?
Haha. I guess people don't really do this anymore. I guess this is passe. And yes, I know that blogging was quite a bit more popular some years ago. But so what? I'm not blogging to be part of the crowd. Really, what was the point of that comment?
I feel like dating lessons should be mandatory for some people.
The same way that you should always offer a drink to your date, you should actually get out of the car when you pick her up. (Especially when it's a first date and you're parked down the block and she doesn't know what your car, or you, look like.) It's not carpool.
Don't insult her/him. That doesn't make him/her like you better.
Don't say that what s/he's saying is k'fira just because you don't agree.
Don't tell her/him you're not flexible and that you never change your mind. That's not attractive. Compromise and trying to see things from another's perspective is essential for marriage.
Don't bang to get someone's attention (especially since you probably already have it).
All basic. Why do I even have to spell these out?
I have many hobbies and so the list was long. When I shared that I write, the next question that followed was, "What do you write?"
"I'm working on a book, and I blog."
"You missed the boat on that one, didn't you? People don't really do that anymore."
Excuse me?
Haha. I guess people don't really do this anymore. I guess this is passe. And yes, I know that blogging was quite a bit more popular some years ago. But so what? I'm not blogging to be part of the crowd. Really, what was the point of that comment?
I feel like dating lessons should be mandatory for some people.
The same way that you should always offer a drink to your date, you should actually get out of the car when you pick her up. (Especially when it's a first date and you're parked down the block and she doesn't know what your car, or you, look like.) It's not carpool.
Don't insult her/him. That doesn't make him/her like you better.
Don't say that what s/he's saying is k'fira just because you don't agree.
Don't tell her/him you're not flexible and that you never change your mind. That's not attractive. Compromise and trying to see things from another's perspective is essential for marriage.
Don't bang to get someone's attention (especially since you probably already have it).
All basic. Why do I even have to spell these out?
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
How Awkward and Weird
Why is bumping into an ex with his spouse so awkward and weird? Just two people, right?
This weekend, I was with some friends in the city. Of all the restaurants in the entire New York, my friend's recent ex with his recent wife happened to come to the same eating establishment at the same exact time we were there. To make matters worse, my friend was clearly noticed, as at one point every single party at the ex's table turned around and stared at us.
Would you point out a recent ex to your new spouse? Who do you think felt the most uncomfortable? Would it have been as uncomfortable if he wasn't married or hadn't gotten married so quickly/recently? Would it have been less awkward if she gotten married since? Is it appropriate for either one of them to say hi to each other? Is it appropriate for either of them to just pretend they don't know each other? How would you navigate that? How would you want your ex to navigate that?
Is there any way to make that encounter not awkward and/or weird?
It's awkward and weird, because they're not just two people. They have a history, memories, a shared relationship, feelings. Perhaps one of them, or both, thought they had a real chance at a happily ever after. Even if not, judging on my own experiences, it's really hard to stop thinking about an ex. Hopefully you get over him/her to a large degree, but you still shared so many personal and intimate moments and things. Perhaps when you do get married it pales or disappears in comparison. I mean, when I've met people that I've liked or clicked with more than a particular ex, those feelings about the ex diminished greatly. We're still human though. We feel. We remember.
In a weak moment I was listening to some trigger songs recently. It's weird how music can generate tidal waves of emotions and memories. (Sometimes those moments can bring clarity, others make the relationship feel like just a dream.) Anything that sparks that flood will make you feel awkward and weird. When it's the ex himself/herself and he clearly doesn't know how to handle the situation either, despite him having clearly moved on, it makes it that much more uncomfortable.
This weekend, I was with some friends in the city. Of all the restaurants in the entire New York, my friend's recent ex with his recent wife happened to come to the same eating establishment at the same exact time we were there. To make matters worse, my friend was clearly noticed, as at one point every single party at the ex's table turned around and stared at us.
Would you point out a recent ex to your new spouse? Who do you think felt the most uncomfortable? Would it have been as uncomfortable if he wasn't married or hadn't gotten married so quickly/recently? Would it have been less awkward if she gotten married since? Is it appropriate for either one of them to say hi to each other? Is it appropriate for either of them to just pretend they don't know each other? How would you navigate that? How would you want your ex to navigate that?
Is there any way to make that encounter not awkward and/or weird?
It's awkward and weird, because they're not just two people. They have a history, memories, a shared relationship, feelings. Perhaps one of them, or both, thought they had a real chance at a happily ever after. Even if not, judging on my own experiences, it's really hard to stop thinking about an ex. Hopefully you get over him/her to a large degree, but you still shared so many personal and intimate moments and things. Perhaps when you do get married it pales or disappears in comparison. I mean, when I've met people that I've liked or clicked with more than a particular ex, those feelings about the ex diminished greatly. We're still human though. We feel. We remember.
In a weak moment I was listening to some trigger songs recently. It's weird how music can generate tidal waves of emotions and memories. (Sometimes those moments can bring clarity, others make the relationship feel like just a dream.) Anything that sparks that flood will make you feel awkward and weird. When it's the ex himself/herself and he clearly doesn't know how to handle the situation either, despite him having clearly moved on, it makes it that much more uncomfortable.
Monday, November 27, 2017
How Traversing Shidduchim is Like Traveling on Thanksgiving Weekend
We got in the car, and the navigation told us it would take a few hours to get home. As we kept getting updates that traffic was building up ahead and our ETA kept getting later and later, we followed detour after detour and couldn't help feeling like we were going totally and completely out of our way and that we would never get home. Day turned into night. The cars in front of us crawled. We left that major highway and took that tiny side street only to encounter the same sea of brake lights.
We knew we were going to get home eventually, but we didn't know when. After each new time update, we sighed and someone cracked another joke about the traffic. We made up another song parody about traveling to pass the time. We called a friend, texted another, tried to keep spirits up.
We still knew we would get home eventually. How long it would take, we did not know. How much we would have to travel out of the way, we did not know. Where we were and how crossing that random bridge we'd never heard of before would help us get there, we did not know.
But we trusted that Waze and Google Maps knew what they were doing. (Kal v'chomer G-d, right?)
Rubbernecking, so not helpful. Watching what other people go through, for good or for bad, when you cannot help them, only slows you down. If we all stopped worrying about how fast other people are driving or what they're doing on the side of the road, we could focus better on what is going on in our cars, get where we're going faster.
Getting annoyed at the traffic is not helpful either. It doesn't help you get anywhere faster. Keeping yourself busy along the way, making sure your car has enough gas to get where you're going, knowing when you might need to ask the driver to make a stop or ask someone else to drive for a bit...are all important.
Still waiting for my "you have arrived at your destination" ...
We knew we were going to get home eventually, but we didn't know when. After each new time update, we sighed and someone cracked another joke about the traffic. We made up another song parody about traveling to pass the time. We called a friend, texted another, tried to keep spirits up.
We still knew we would get home eventually. How long it would take, we did not know. How much we would have to travel out of the way, we did not know. Where we were and how crossing that random bridge we'd never heard of before would help us get there, we did not know.
But we trusted that Waze and Google Maps knew what they were doing. (Kal v'chomer G-d, right?)
Rubbernecking, so not helpful. Watching what other people go through, for good or for bad, when you cannot help them, only slows you down. If we all stopped worrying about how fast other people are driving or what they're doing on the side of the road, we could focus better on what is going on in our cars, get where we're going faster.
Getting annoyed at the traffic is not helpful either. It doesn't help you get anywhere faster. Keeping yourself busy along the way, making sure your car has enough gas to get where you're going, knowing when you might need to ask the driver to make a stop or ask someone else to drive for a bit...are all important.
Still waiting for my "you have arrived at your destination" ...
Friday, November 24, 2017
First Dates, Ex-cetera
First dates are not exciting anymore. It used to be that a first date held hope for me that this guy could be The One. Now it’s just about whether or not it will be someone I will dread spending time with or actually have a good time in his company. How will he treat me? What will happen in that hopefully short amount of time? Will I have clarity about the direction forward?
Call me a cynic, a pessimist, if you must. I call it a reality check. Perhaps it just has to do with my current situation and path of emotional carnage. Will this ever be over?
So of course I started writing this post a few days ago, and at this point I have a different kind of clarity. I mean, there will be more first dates in my future, sure, but what warning signs do I need to see as stop signs is the real question. Will gut feelings this strong always play out this accurately? Or maybe it will feel like this for every potential person.
Call me a cynic, a pessimist, if you must. I call it a reality check. Perhaps it just has to do with my current situation and path of emotional carnage. Will this ever be over?
So of course I started writing this post a few days ago, and at this point I have a different kind of clarity. I mean, there will be more first dates in my future, sure, but what warning signs do I need to see as stop signs is the real question. Will gut feelings this strong always play out this accurately? Or maybe it will feel like this for every potential person.
How did it get to this? Every person, every first date, used to...not feel like this...at the very least.
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Parshas Vayeitzei
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
The Zera Shimshon asks two questions:
The pasuk tells us that Hashem opened Leah's womb 'because she was unloved.' What is the connection between being 'unloved' and having children?
And secondly, the Torah tells us that Rochel saw that she hadn't borne children for Yaakov and she was jealous of her sister Leah. Is is possible that Rochel, who was such a great woman, the woman who allowed her sister to marry her own chosson before she did, was jealous?
To add to this second question, why does the Torah specify that she hadn't borne children for Yaakov? Why does it mention Yaakov here?
The Zera Shimshon brings a Gemara in Yevamos (64a) that explains that the Imahos were barren so that their husbands, the Avos, would daven for them, because Hashem desires the prayers of the holy ones.
Leah recognized this and realized that if Yaakov was going to daven for any of his wives, it would be Rochel. Leah felt unloved, and because of this Hashem gave her children.
Yaakov saw this, and once he had children from Leah he didn't feel the need to daven for Rochel. In his mind Leah had children without tefillah, so the Imahos couldn't be barren because Hashem wanted their husbands to daven.
Yaakov perceived that Sarah gave birth after her name was changed, and Rivka didn't have children right away after leaving home so the nations of the world wouldn't think she had children because of Lavan's blessing. He didn't see this pattern of the Avos having to daven so their wives would have children.
Because Yaakov did not think that Rochel was barren in order for him to daven, Rochel believed this as well, and she figured that having children was based on the strength of their own merits. And this is why she was jealous of Leah. She believed that Leah had more merits than her, for she had children while Rochel did not.
This jealousy was a kinas sofrim. This is a positive jealousy, wanting to be better, being jealous of someone else's good deeds, etc.
Rochel said to Yaakov, "Give me children, otherwise I am dead!" Indeed, if she believed having children was based on her own merits, and she did not possess the necessary merit to deserve a child, a sinner is compared to a dead person even when they are alive.
Thus, Rochel implored Yaakov to daven for her to have a child.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayetzei
The Zera Shimshon asks two questions:
The pasuk tells us that Hashem opened Leah's womb 'because she was unloved.' What is the connection between being 'unloved' and having children?
And secondly, the Torah tells us that Rochel saw that she hadn't borne children for Yaakov and she was jealous of her sister Leah. Is is possible that Rochel, who was such a great woman, the woman who allowed her sister to marry her own chosson before she did, was jealous?
To add to this second question, why does the Torah specify that she hadn't borne children for Yaakov? Why does it mention Yaakov here?
The Zera Shimshon brings a Gemara in Yevamos (64a) that explains that the Imahos were barren so that their husbands, the Avos, would daven for them, because Hashem desires the prayers of the holy ones.
Leah recognized this and realized that if Yaakov was going to daven for any of his wives, it would be Rochel. Leah felt unloved, and because of this Hashem gave her children.
Yaakov saw this, and once he had children from Leah he didn't feel the need to daven for Rochel. In his mind Leah had children without tefillah, so the Imahos couldn't be barren because Hashem wanted their husbands to daven.
Yaakov perceived that Sarah gave birth after her name was changed, and Rivka didn't have children right away after leaving home so the nations of the world wouldn't think she had children because of Lavan's blessing. He didn't see this pattern of the Avos having to daven so their wives would have children.
Because Yaakov did not think that Rochel was barren in order for him to daven, Rochel believed this as well, and she figured that having children was based on the strength of their own merits. And this is why she was jealous of Leah. She believed that Leah had more merits than her, for she had children while Rochel did not.
This jealousy was a kinas sofrim. This is a positive jealousy, wanting to be better, being jealous of someone else's good deeds, etc.
Rochel said to Yaakov, "Give me children, otherwise I am dead!" Indeed, if she believed having children was based on her own merits, and she did not possess the necessary merit to deserve a child, a sinner is compared to a dead person even when they are alive.
Thus, Rochel implored Yaakov to daven for her to have a child.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayetzei
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
When It Rains It Pours
Someone once shared their wit about the shidduch system. "The girls are all lost in a desert, the guys in a forest." I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I mean, I get it. Girls tend to wait around for someone to express interest in going out with them. (Tumbleweed meme, anyone?) Guys generally are bombarded with names. Is either side easier than the other?
Personally, I would like to think that as a girl when a resume comes across my inbox it would be somewhat on target. I mean, the resumes without "a yes" from a guy are meaningless to me and those aren't even considered suggestions. (I learned this a long time ago. While I might decide such a resume looks interesting and wait to hear back about his interest, in reality the guy has probably never even heard my name. Or he did, and my profile is buried somewhere along with the rest of names that make him feel oh so sought-after and special. But, that doesn't mean he's even glanced at any of them.) And so, when a guy is interested in me, one would think that it at least makes superficial sense. That's more than we can say about the names that lots of guys get. Often shadchanim throw spaghetti at a wall and see if anything sticks. (Different discussion altogether. Maybe a rant for a future post.)
Either way, it's been a bit of an experience for me lately. Often I tend to get "yeses" sort of clumped together. I might have a spell where I won't go out in a few months, and then all of a sudden in the same week I'll get two or three yeses. It's weird how this happens.
This one is a new level though. In a two week period I received about a minyan of "yeses." Surprisingly most of them were via people that I actually know. Not surprisingly I was able to nix at least half of them right away. And of the ones remaining, I may not even go out with any of them.
When I was venting my frustration and stress about this, a friend said to me, "At least you have names." When I shared how stressful it was and how it makes me question if I'm saying "no thank you" to G-d when He may be sending me my zivug in a package that makes no sense to me and having to figure that out, she took back her comment. (Yeah, yeah, I know by now who I can talk to about these things. It's the "Well I'm sorry you're so popular" comment that gets me. I won't rub this in your face, because I know that any attention would feel nice to you, but a bunch of people not for me doesn't feel that nice. Different nisayon that ultimately has the same end.) I honestly sometimes wish for the empty, quiet bus stop.
I'm hoping this is the part of the game where everything kind of flies at you at once, and you have to dodge, duck, jump, and/or slash the oncoming hurdles to reach the finish line. (Those wolverine claws would come in handy just about now.)
Pouring rain isn't awesome. Slogging through the puddles is really uncomfortable. I just want one, the clarity to know he is The One, and that's it. I don't want to date anyone that isn't for me, especially with my track record.
Personally, I would like to think that as a girl when a resume comes across my inbox it would be somewhat on target. I mean, the resumes without "a yes" from a guy are meaningless to me and those aren't even considered suggestions. (I learned this a long time ago. While I might decide such a resume looks interesting and wait to hear back about his interest, in reality the guy has probably never even heard my name. Or he did, and my profile is buried somewhere along with the rest of names that make him feel oh so sought-after and special. But, that doesn't mean he's even glanced at any of them.) And so, when a guy is interested in me, one would think that it at least makes superficial sense. That's more than we can say about the names that lots of guys get. Often shadchanim throw spaghetti at a wall and see if anything sticks. (Different discussion altogether. Maybe a rant for a future post.)
Either way, it's been a bit of an experience for me lately. Often I tend to get "yeses" sort of clumped together. I might have a spell where I won't go out in a few months, and then all of a sudden in the same week I'll get two or three yeses. It's weird how this happens.
This one is a new level though. In a two week period I received about a minyan of "yeses." Surprisingly most of them were via people that I actually know. Not surprisingly I was able to nix at least half of them right away. And of the ones remaining, I may not even go out with any of them.
When I was venting my frustration and stress about this, a friend said to me, "At least you have names." When I shared how stressful it was and how it makes me question if I'm saying "no thank you" to G-d when He may be sending me my zivug in a package that makes no sense to me and having to figure that out, she took back her comment. (Yeah, yeah, I know by now who I can talk to about these things. It's the "Well I'm sorry you're so popular" comment that gets me. I won't rub this in your face, because I know that any attention would feel nice to you, but a bunch of people not for me doesn't feel that nice. Different nisayon that ultimately has the same end.) I honestly sometimes wish for the empty, quiet bus stop.
I'm hoping this is the part of the game where everything kind of flies at you at once, and you have to dodge, duck, jump, and/or slash the oncoming hurdles to reach the finish line. (Those wolverine claws would come in handy just about now.)
Pouring rain isn't awesome. Slogging through the puddles is really uncomfortable. I just want one, the clarity to know he is The One, and that's it. I don't want to date anyone that isn't for me, especially with my track record.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Hoping For A Change
We all have our vices. For some people they're innocent –– an extra piece of cake, a handful of candy, lots of shoes, whatever. Other people struggle with more "addictive" habits. Sometimes these things are actual defects of character –– an anger management issue, excessive arrogance, etc. Sometimes the person is defined by this bad habit or struggle.
For the million dollar question: can this, will this, person change? Maybe you're a good influence on him/her. Maybe you bring out the best in him/her. Will you marry him/her knowing that you can't change him/her and s/he may not change even if s/he promises s/he will/is changing?
First things first: people can change.
Prelude to that though, changes someone makes for someone else don't tend to last.
What happens, too, when that person is under stress? Do those habits come back? How disciplined is this person? Does that even matter? Habits are ingrained. They create pathways in one's brain. An alcoholic can slip back into the drink even after years and years of sobriety.
If it's a middos thing, I would venture to say that working on one's middos in a skillful way can really change who s/he is. But even then, in a stressful situation perhaps old habits will rear their head. It might just take a slight thing that will send the person spiraling. But then, the person who has had to work through a challenge is that much stronger in the face of adversity. No one is perfect.
There's no clear answer to this question, but I will leave you with this. You need to really like and accept the person for who s/he is even with this shortcoming. If this person does not change, or if this person slips back into old ways, you need to know that you can live with him/her.
You can't marry someone hoping they will change.
For the million dollar question: can this, will this, person change? Maybe you're a good influence on him/her. Maybe you bring out the best in him/her. Will you marry him/her knowing that you can't change him/her and s/he may not change even if s/he promises s/he will/is changing?
First things first: people can change.
Prelude to that though, changes someone makes for someone else don't tend to last.
What happens, too, when that person is under stress? Do those habits come back? How disciplined is this person? Does that even matter? Habits are ingrained. They create pathways in one's brain. An alcoholic can slip back into the drink even after years and years of sobriety.
If it's a middos thing, I would venture to say that working on one's middos in a skillful way can really change who s/he is. But even then, in a stressful situation perhaps old habits will rear their head. It might just take a slight thing that will send the person spiraling. But then, the person who has had to work through a challenge is that much stronger in the face of adversity. No one is perfect.
There's no clear answer to this question, but I will leave you with this. You need to really like and accept the person for who s/he is even with this shortcoming. If this person does not change, or if this person slips back into old ways, you need to know that you can live with him/her.
You can't marry someone hoping they will change.
Monday, November 20, 2017
We're All Eating Dirt
We're all eating dirt. Maybe my dirt, from where you're sitting, looks like chocolate ice cream, but it's not. Because my dating life is strife with stories and yours seems so boring compared to that, mine really isn't that much easier. In fact, I think it's probably harder.
You think that I "always get the guy," have more dates than you, have longer dating stints, actual relationships when you don't. How does that help me? It actually hurts a lot more than not going out at all.
Maybe yours is external pain while mine is internal. I mean, there's no way to measure how much something hurts. Maybe your situation seems like it's worse to you. You can't see my pain. Everything looks fun and flamboyant. It's not, believe me.
Are you jealous of me that the woman sitting next me on the plane last weekend talked my ear off the whole flight? Why not? Exactly, it's not pleasurable, even if it was attention. Neither is dating a bunch of wrong guys. It's actually really painful.
We all have our own challenges when it comes to dating, and life, and no one is better off than the next. Why are you resentful of me? We're both just doing what we know to get married. I'm not better off than you.
You think that I "always get the guy," have more dates than you, have longer dating stints, actual relationships when you don't. How does that help me? It actually hurts a lot more than not going out at all.
Maybe yours is external pain while mine is internal. I mean, there's no way to measure how much something hurts. Maybe your situation seems like it's worse to you. You can't see my pain. Everything looks fun and flamboyant. It's not, believe me.
Are you jealous of me that the woman sitting next me on the plane last weekend talked my ear off the whole flight? Why not? Exactly, it's not pleasurable, even if it was attention. Neither is dating a bunch of wrong guys. It's actually really painful.
We all have our own challenges when it comes to dating, and life, and no one is better off than the next. Why are you resentful of me? We're both just doing what we know to get married. I'm not better off than you.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Single and Ready to Flamingle: The Pitfalls of Singles' Events
While I addressed the general drawbacks here re singles' events, I feel the need to revisit the topic and add a few more hazards to be aware of.
While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.
Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.
Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.
I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.
Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.
As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.
Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.
It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?
We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.
I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.
And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.
Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.
While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.
Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.
Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.
I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.
Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.
As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.
Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.
It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?
We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.
I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.
And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.
Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Today Is The Tomorrow You Worried About Yesterday
How significant it all seems
All the importance we put on things
Preconceptions and judgements matter so much
Perspective is so powerful
Yesterdays look different today, today will too tomorrow
But we live in the here and now
Different things do matter
All this feels important now
You do get through it though
All the importance we put on things
Preconceptions and judgements matter so much
Perspective is so powerful
Yesterdays look different today, today will too tomorrow
But we live in the here and now
Different things do matter
All this feels important now
You do get through it though
Friday, November 17, 2017
Parshas Toldos
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
Yaakov Aveinu brings his father Yitzchak a meal, and Yitzchak Aveinu wonders how he was able to bring him the food so quickly. Yaakov responds by saying "Ki hikrah Hashem Elokecha lifanei," "Because Hashem your G-d arranged it for me."
The Zera Shimshon asks why Yaakov doesn't just say "Hashem helped me," why the lashon of "Hashem your G-d arranged it"?
He answers that he was saying that a neis had occurred that he was able to find and prepare this meal so quickly. Yaakov was afraid that Yitzchak would not want to partake from the food if it was indeed a miracle, because the Gemara in Taanis (24a) tells us that it's forbidden to benefit from miracles. The "Your G-d" part comes to add that for someone like you, Yitzchak, there is nothing to worry about regarding partaking from something that is a neis.
The worry is that if someone benefits from a miracle, it takes away from his Olam Haba. Yitzchak was blind and confined to the house, and it is said that his yetzer hara had been removed from him. Therefore, it was like he was already in the World to Come, and he did not have to worry about benefitting from a miracle taking away from his Olam Haba.
"Hashem your G-d prepared it for me." One cannot do a thing in this world without Hashem's expressed desire.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Toldos
Yaakov Aveinu brings his father Yitzchak a meal, and Yitzchak Aveinu wonders how he was able to bring him the food so quickly. Yaakov responds by saying "Ki hikrah Hashem Elokecha lifanei," "Because Hashem your G-d arranged it for me."
The Zera Shimshon asks why Yaakov doesn't just say "Hashem helped me," why the lashon of "Hashem your G-d arranged it"?
He answers that he was saying that a neis had occurred that he was able to find and prepare this meal so quickly. Yaakov was afraid that Yitzchak would not want to partake from the food if it was indeed a miracle, because the Gemara in Taanis (24a) tells us that it's forbidden to benefit from miracles. The "Your G-d" part comes to add that for someone like you, Yitzchak, there is nothing to worry about regarding partaking from something that is a neis.
The worry is that if someone benefits from a miracle, it takes away from his Olam Haba. Yitzchak was blind and confined to the house, and it is said that his yetzer hara had been removed from him. Therefore, it was like he was already in the World to Come, and he did not have to worry about benefitting from a miracle taking away from his Olam Haba.
"Hashem your G-d prepared it for me." One cannot do a thing in this world without Hashem's expressed desire.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Toldos
Thursday, November 16, 2017
To Date. Not to Date. Questions.
Is going out with someone who is so off the mark worse than not going out at all? (Obviously if you know from the outset that it's a no-go, I beg you to respect yourself more than that. Don't just go out because you want to feel like someone wants to date you. I'm talking about in retrospect, does dating that person that is not even ballpark make you feel worse than not dating at all?)
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Dating Protips
Some of these, most of these, should be intuitive. Unfortunately they're not, so I'll spell them out.
Formalities exist for a reason. Treat her like a lady.
1. Guys, walk a girl to her car, or front door. Especially if it's night. If you can't, at least watch her to make sure she gets in safely.
2. Offer her a drink (by drink I mean beverage, the non-alcoholic variety). It's basic. Would you hang out with/talk to a friend for a few hours at a time and not get a drink?
3. If you're going out right after work (or really around any mealtime), especially if there's traveling involved, ask if the other person is hungry. She's not just looking for a free meal; the rushing around may not have allowed her (or him) time to eat. The guy or girl. Skip the stiffness. (Was it really ever uncomfortable to eat on a date?) If you're hungry, or suspect the other person is, offer to get something to eat (even just a snack).
4. If you get yourself a straw, spoon, fork, napkin, drink, get one for the other person (or at least ask if the person wants one). Wouldn't you do this if you were with a friend?
5. Be clear about what you want or need. No one can read your mind. Don't say one thing and really mean another. It establishes wrong expectations and sets you up for frustration and resentment.
Formalities exist for a reason. Treat her like a lady.
1. Guys, walk a girl to her car, or front door. Especially if it's night. If you can't, at least watch her to make sure she gets in safely.
2. Offer her a drink (by drink I mean beverage, the non-alcoholic variety). It's basic. Would you hang out with/talk to a friend for a few hours at a time and not get a drink?
3. If you're going out right after work (or really around any mealtime), especially if there's traveling involved, ask if the other person is hungry. She's not just looking for a free meal; the rushing around may not have allowed her (or him) time to eat. The guy or girl. Skip the stiffness. (Was it really ever uncomfortable to eat on a date?) If you're hungry, or suspect the other person is, offer to get something to eat (even just a snack).
4. If you get yourself a straw, spoon, fork, napkin, drink, get one for the other person (or at least ask if the person wants one). Wouldn't you do this if you were with a friend?
5. Be clear about what you want or need. No one can read your mind. Don't say one thing and really mean another. It establishes wrong expectations and sets you up for frustration and resentment.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind
What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Parshas Chayei Sarah
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
In this week's parsha, Sarah Imeinu passes away and Avraham Aveinu comes to eulogize her and to cry. The Zera Shimshon brings the Maavor Yabok that says that hespedim are crucial when someone passes away, because it causes people to cry. Crying opens the Gates of Tefillah (since the Gates of Tears are never closed), and this redirects the din from the niftar.
The Zera Shimshon relates that the kuf in "v'livkosah" is written small in the Torah to tell us that Avraham did not cry over the physical loss of Sarah, rather her spiritual essence in this world.
It is a natural response for people to react to loss with tears/crying. The Torah says that Avraham came to eulogize...and bewail her, telling us that his crying was not just the natural reaction to his loss. His crying was far more meaningful; it was a mourning for her neshama no longer being among them.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Chayei Sarah
In this week's parsha, Sarah Imeinu passes away and Avraham Aveinu comes to eulogize her and to cry. The Zera Shimshon brings the Maavor Yabok that says that hespedim are crucial when someone passes away, because it causes people to cry. Crying opens the Gates of Tefillah (since the Gates of Tears are never closed), and this redirects the din from the niftar.
The Zera Shimshon relates that the kuf in "v'livkosah" is written small in the Torah to tell us that Avraham did not cry over the physical loss of Sarah, rather her spiritual essence in this world.
It is a natural response for people to react to loss with tears/crying. The Torah says that Avraham came to eulogize...and bewail her, telling us that his crying was not just the natural reaction to his loss. His crying was far more meaningful; it was a mourning for her neshama no longer being among them.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Chayei Sarah
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Game On
All the players playing this round have been dealt their cards. Your aim is to play them in the best fashion you see fit.
You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.
Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.
I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.
It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:
I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"
I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.
I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.
I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.
The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.
I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?
You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.
Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.
I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.
It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:
I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"
I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.
I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.
I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.
The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.
I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?
Monday, November 6, 2017
First Date Syndrome
Often, dating feels like the "First Date" Master of None episode where the Ansari character goes on multiple first dates and they all sort of blend together, each girl he dates bringing out a different aspect of how (endless) dating can turn out.
I don't watch Netflix or comedy generally, so I only know about this episode because someone used it as a term, almost like "Groundhog Day," I guess. Before the Bill Murray movie, did Groundhog Day mean anything aside from February 2 or the day where the little animal in that same family as the woodchuck and gopher comes out of his burrow and if he sees his shadow we have more days of winter? Either way, Master of None "First Date" dating sort of does feel like Groundhog Day.
It's been quite awhile since I've been on a traditional first date, the type where it's practically a blind date, where what I know about the guy is limited to what his references and other random people have told me, and oftentimes I haven't even seen a picture of him. I guess those work well when you hit it off with the person, (rare), but precisely for that reason it's the same script. Getting to know someone, getting comfortable with someone, can be like that. Until you actually have a certain level of comfort, it's hard to feel like it's anything but playing the same role again and again on the dating theater stage.
I had that weird sense of deja vu recently; even when trying to build a relationship with someone, I just couldn't help the feeling of doing the same thing all over again. This is one of the things I really wish I had a time machine to get through, a fast forward button on my life. It's hard to have the emotional energy to give another saga my all not knowing how it will end.
Someone once suggested that I get invested in things too fast, that I give too much of myself. I honestly don't know that there's another way to do it for me. I don't have to share everything with everyone, and I don't, but that's who I am as a person. I connect with people. I want to share my life. I support people –– get invested in their successes, support them through their hardships. And I lean on them to support me through my challenges. I often wish I could know who I will make it to the finish line with. I also wish I could skip all the other relationships.
Yes, I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and 'tis better to have loved and lost...I just need to figure out how to get in, figure out what I need to know, and then get out (or clinch the deal). I guess I also just have come to dislike the small talk and the textbook dating activities and conversations. The problem is when I skip those the relationship fast-tracks and isn't super conducive to marriage, or at least clear-minded rational thought to determine that.
Is there a way off this hamster wheel?
I don't watch Netflix or comedy generally, so I only know about this episode because someone used it as a term, almost like "Groundhog Day," I guess. Before the Bill Murray movie, did Groundhog Day mean anything aside from February 2 or the day where the little animal in that same family as the woodchuck and gopher comes out of his burrow and if he sees his shadow we have more days of winter? Either way, Master of None "First Date" dating sort of does feel like Groundhog Day.
It's been quite awhile since I've been on a traditional first date, the type where it's practically a blind date, where what I know about the guy is limited to what his references and other random people have told me, and oftentimes I haven't even seen a picture of him. I guess those work well when you hit it off with the person, (rare), but precisely for that reason it's the same script. Getting to know someone, getting comfortable with someone, can be like that. Until you actually have a certain level of comfort, it's hard to feel like it's anything but playing the same role again and again on the dating theater stage.
I had that weird sense of deja vu recently; even when trying to build a relationship with someone, I just couldn't help the feeling of doing the same thing all over again. This is one of the things I really wish I had a time machine to get through, a fast forward button on my life. It's hard to have the emotional energy to give another saga my all not knowing how it will end.
Someone once suggested that I get invested in things too fast, that I give too much of myself. I honestly don't know that there's another way to do it for me. I don't have to share everything with everyone, and I don't, but that's who I am as a person. I connect with people. I want to share my life. I support people –– get invested in their successes, support them through their hardships. And I lean on them to support me through my challenges. I often wish I could know who I will make it to the finish line with. I also wish I could skip all the other relationships.
Yes, I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and 'tis better to have loved and lost...I just need to figure out how to get in, figure out what I need to know, and then get out (or clinch the deal). I guess I also just have come to dislike the small talk and the textbook dating activities and conversations. The problem is when I skip those the relationship fast-tracks and isn't super conducive to marriage, or at least clear-minded rational thought to determine that.
Is there a way off this hamster wheel?
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Come On and Ride the Train
I got on the train, left the city behind. I sat back in my seat a little apprehensive for the journey ahead. The first bit was surprisingly easy. I looked out the rear window just a bit, glancing back every now and then, gazing longingly at what I’d left behind. Soon, though, all that was too far away for me to see clearly. I started to enjoy the scenery outside my window.
Every now and then we passed through a rainstorm and I watched my world from behind a curtain of rivulets of water, which distorted my view. Overall it was sunny and the grass was green. I was busy thinking about what lay ahead, too busy to think about where I was coming from. Of course it was still in the back of my mind, trapped away in a little compartment.
And then the compartment came undone. I don’t know why; I don’t know how. I don’t know what it will take to seal it again. What I do know is that it’s clouding my trains of thought. I do know is that it was shortsighted to think that I was far enough from the city to not look back and see it. Trying to live my life forward...
Every now and then we passed through a rainstorm and I watched my world from behind a curtain of rivulets of water, which distorted my view. Overall it was sunny and the grass was green. I was busy thinking about what lay ahead, too busy to think about where I was coming from. Of course it was still in the back of my mind, trapped away in a little compartment.
And then the compartment came undone. I don’t know why; I don’t know how. I don’t know what it will take to seal it again. What I do know is that it’s clouding my trains of thought. I do know is that it was shortsighted to think that I was far enough from the city to not look back and see it. Trying to live my life forward...
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Parshas Vayeira
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
What do the words "Atah yadaati ki yarei elokim ata (v'lo chashachta es bincha yechidecha memeni)" mean? Why only now, at the time of the Akeida, does Hashem know that Avraham Aveinu (A"A) is a G-d fearing individual?
A"A personified chesed; he was such a giving person that people may have thought that this was just his personality –– he pleased Hashem and did what He asked because he liked pleasing people. If this was the case then Avraham passing the ten nisyonos would have nothing to do with him being a G-d fearing person.
Akeidas Yitzchak, an act of pure cruelty, went against everything A"A represented; it was the complete opposite of his midda of chesed. Therefore, now Hashem knew that A"A was acting out of pure fear of G-d and desire to serve Him and not just because of his nature.
This should give us pause. Why do we do mitzvos?
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayeira
What do the words "Atah yadaati ki yarei elokim ata (v'lo chashachta es bincha yechidecha memeni)" mean? Why only now, at the time of the Akeida, does Hashem know that Avraham Aveinu (A"A) is a G-d fearing individual?
A"A personified chesed; he was such a giving person that people may have thought that this was just his personality –– he pleased Hashem and did what He asked because he liked pleasing people. If this was the case then Avraham passing the ten nisyonos would have nothing to do with him being a G-d fearing person.
Akeidas Yitzchak, an act of pure cruelty, went against everything A"A represented; it was the complete opposite of his midda of chesed. Therefore, now Hashem knew that A"A was acting out of pure fear of G-d and desire to serve Him and not just because of his nature.
This should give us pause. Why do we do mitzvos?
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayeira
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