Don't Do Unto Others

A flight attendant was serving a respected rabbi on a plane. Recognizing his religious garb she asked him, "What is Judaism? What do Jews believe?"

The rav, without missing a beat, replied, "Don't do onto others what you don't wish to be done to you. That's the foundation of Judaism."

The attendant wanted to know what that had to do with being able to eat or not eat certain things.

"Okay," said the rabbi, "I'm sure you've noticed Jewish travelers checking food packages for a specific symbol, correct?"

"Yes, I have! But what does that have to do with respecting others?"

"Jews are trained not to just eat something because they want to. They don't just say something because they want. They don't just do something because they want to. By checking packages, they're showing it's not about them. They're following a moral code, and they're trained to see the needs of others."

Pesach we check packages. Sefirah, we work on seeing others. 

(Paraphrased from Mishpacha Magazine's Calligraphy, original article by Yisroel Besser)

I don't usually read Mishpacha, as you may know if you've been with me for awhile. Yet, against my better judgment I read this Pesach's story supplement. Shoot me. I'll even make a plug here for Rikki Ehrlich's "The Exit Interview." IMHO it was quite the worthy read. Everyone should read it. But that's not what this post is about.

It's interesting how sometimes bein adam l'makom is clearer, easier than bein adam l'chaveiro. We work on both during Sefirah, but bein adam l'chaveiro is a special focus. We mourn the deaths of the students of Rabbi Akiva who died because they didn't treat each other with respect. Crazy, almost, if you think about it. How much do we focus on respect of others nowadays? How much do we judge and gossip? How much do we judge and stigmatize?

Also not the point of this post.

Or maybe it is. What freedom do you take from Pesach? Supposedly the chometz represents yetzer hara, which we are free from for the entirety of the Chag. The aveiros we do –– hergel, habit. I'm not sure who this idea is attributed to, but it's interesting for sure.

There is so much pressure in this stage of life. While dating for some is just a passageway from young adulthood to what comes beyond that (in the form of marriage, responsibility, and family), to others it is a stage in it of itself. It's Mitzrayim, it's narrow and constricting. No two people's experiences are the same. While some may have sagas of heartbreaks and "almosts," others may have stories of emptiness for months or years on end.

No judgements. No need to compare. Can we see others as is? Empathy, not pity. Freedom, not slavery.

Happy Counting.

Happy Valentine's

While I'm not naturally a cynic (okay, maybe only partly cynical), I truly believe that Valentine's Day was created with green, not red/pink, in mind. I'm a romantic when it comes to love, but Valentine's Day isn't about that. Some holidays are simply created for commercial purposes, and Valentine's Day is the most guilty of this.

I love the GIECO gecko meme reading "I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single." 

It's not to say that we shouldn't appreciate our significant others, get them gifts, flowers, chocolates...but does there need to be a holiday to do that?

Scrolling through my feed, I noticed an article titled, "We Need To Stop Treating Being Single Like A Disease." Totally. 

Disable Comments

"Maybe they can't help you get married, but they can lessen the pain you're experiencing while waiting."

Wise words indeed.

No matter what the situation is; a friend's or relative's simcha, a conversation with a shadchan (gone south), just trying to live normal life, whatever; what makes it hard are The Comments.

Really, I was fine until you said that or this insensitive thing. Her simcha isn't "hard" for me in it of itself. I'm actually, believe it or not, really happy and excited for her. Why shouldn't I be? Does what she have take away from what I have? Granted, if it's a close relative or friend who I may miss (her singlehood companionship) in my day to day, then yes. Otherwise, no.

As a friend put it, "Enough with the comments, just send presents. A new bag or chocolates would be nice." 

Also, since I'm on this rant anyway, don't hock me about details and pictures. Don't tell me I should get chizzuk from this. Just be normal and wish me mazel tov and then move on. A friend I was venting to put it great, "I just wished you mazel tov and figured if you wanted to vent or if you weren't handling and wanted to talk about it, you would tell me." Yes!

#itsallpartofthenisayon

Yup, That's What Was Said

"Are you married yet?" "No? Why not?"

"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."

"Why don't you just get married?"

All spoken in real life. 

I kid you not.  

I was only victim to one of them; the others were said to people close to me. And I'm sure many others have experienced similar comments. The "You're next"s and "Soon by you"s seem tame compared to comments like these. 

What can possibly be going through someone's head when s/he says something like this? Does s/he really think that we're making a conscious choice to not be married? This is not even about tact. It's not even about sensitivity. It's basic decency. Is it not? Why would you accuse someone of something that he has no control over especially when it's painful for him/her?

I get it; people don't always know what to say. That's okay; say nothing then. Sometimes people will put their foot in their mouth, and that can hurt the receiver, but hopefully s/he knows it wasn't meant to. The above comments almost seem pointed and malicious though. 

Was the aim to make the single feel bad and to light a fire under him/her? Is the speaker thinking s/he is being a Penina? Really, I would like to understand. 

#itsallpartofthenisayon

The Art of The No

Recently I felt like googling "How to say no to a shadchan so that she'll leave me alone (without burning bridges)." Of course I didn't, even though I'm sure there are plenty of opinion pieces on the web regarding what to include in a "no." I needed a way to get people off my back. I don't feel like I should have to explain to each person exactly why something is not for me or what is going on in my life at the moment to make me say no.

Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?

It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.

Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.

Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!

-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)

-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.

-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.

Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.

"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."

"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."

"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"

That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!

A Quick Note to My Readers

Perhaps this is understood. Maybe I don't need to say anything. However, a few people told me recently that they keep tabs on me and what's going on in my life via my blog. I'm sure for the handful who've told me this (you know who you are), there are a few more people who know me IRL who do the same. 

I just want to remind you all that not everything I write is current or even about me. Sometimes I will start a post and then continue it and publish it days or months later. I might also write something and then schedule it to post a few days or so afterwards. Sometimes I write about things that have happened months or years ago. I write too about experiences and ideas that others have shared with me...

With that being said, thanks for continuing to visit and staying with me.

Happy reading!

Runners, Take Your Mark

"You know the kid who is frantically tying his sneakers by the lockers while his friends have all finished the race? That's what I feel like."

This was an apt description by my friend of her experience in the "Waiting Room" as yet another one of her friends exited with groom in tow.

But a race implies that all runners start at the same point and race down the same trail. Real life is a lot more complex. The Master Trainer allows only one runner per lane and just one lane per runner.

Tie your sneakers and get going. The race is not limited to marriage; the hike starts long before. All of life is a climb, and the Master Planner gives each person his own trajectory to follow.

On my menorah the candles are dancing, flickering, sometimes sputtering, yet always shining their brightest. When today's candles burn out, I know tomorrow will bring additional light. Two candles will follow the one, and then there will be three. Five will follow four, and we will continue counting upwards every day.

We have a rule, "Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin," matters of holiness are always increased and never decreased. If I have lit one candle today, tomorrow I will strive for more.

I greatly admire my friends' investments, toil, and accomplishments in their homes' harmony and in bringing yet more Yiddishe children into the world. Believe me, I really do. I pray to be doing the same very soon. Yet, while my current checklist may not contain any of that, by no means am I the same person I was two, three, four, or more years ago. If I have grown in so many ways then I am confident that I have come far in the race!

Yes, for now I race on my own. Know though, I do not sit and wait for my situation to change so I can "catch up" with my friends. I do not stagnate along the way. Instead, I continue walking. Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin. With hope in my heart and a constant prayer on my lips, I keep hiking onwards towards the sunshine."

(Edited and Abbreviated, Original by Z. Goldheim published in December 20 Hamodia Inyan Magazine)

My sister was reading this article, and she handed me the magazine and urged me to read it. "You'll like it," she said. I stopped regularly reading frum magazines quite awhile ago, as I got annoyed how they often sensationalize issues to sell their publication. Every so often someone will hand me an article or story to read though.

I loved this idea. The race analogy isn't new, but the way its written about here, combined with the maalin bakodesh concept, hits the idea home. It's so true. There isn't just one way to be productive in this world. We don't just start our lives after we get married and raise a family.

What's in your training regimen today?

Just Give Me A Reason

I guess this post really wanted to be written. I had the idea awhile back when I had many names on the table and I had declined most of them. I got some slack for that, and the people suggesting the ideas wanted to know why I was saying no.

"Please give me a reason why so-and-so isn't for you."

Now, I get it if this is a shadchan who really thinks s/he may know someone for me and wants to tweak future suggestions. But what if it's someone random? What if the person doesn't know him and doesn't know me? What if she just went off the fact that we live in the same city and are around the same age? Why does she have to argue with me when I tell her he isn't for me? What if he just said yes clearly because he saw a picture of me? (Getting a yes literally 15 minutes after someone asked me for my profile to send to a guy. What else was he basing it on?) There were myriad permutations of this scenario that occurred.

At the time I got pretty frustrated. I jotted down some notes for a future blog post. I forgot about it. It wasn't as burning anymore. Then the following happened.

About three or four months ago or so someone sent me a video resume of a guy. It did not do him any favors. I'll leave it at that. It was unclear at the time if she had suggested it to him or she was just running it by me first. I'm certain she didn't watch the video. I said "Thanks for thinking of me. He's not for me." This happens to be a shadchan I deal with on a somewhat frequent basis, and she didn't interrogate me why I said no.

About a month ago and half ago, maybe a little longer, someone random sent me the resume of this same guy with a yes. I politely declined.

I got a message, "So-and-so wants to know what about him makes you say he's not for you."

I'm pretty sure I didn't respond to that message.

Today I got a resume with a yes. This guy.

I politely declined. I respectfully told the shadchan suggesting it that it had been suggested in the past and I had said no at the time and the answer was still no.

(I'm going to interrupt myself here for a second. Weird story, two weeks ago another guy who had said yes to me and I had said "no thanks" to came back via a yes from another shadchan. I don't understand. Are these guys playing a game? Do they think I don't remember that I said no? That I will change my mind if someone else redts it? Or did they not remember that we did this already?)

Back to my story, the shadchan messages me and says, "So-and-so wants to know how he can better himself so you will go out with him."

That was taking it a bit too far.

I think my message was fairly polite when I replied that he had been suggested before and I had said no, the question was posed before, and why was he running after me. I also said that he's not what I'm looking for and didn't think it was necessary for me to go into detail.

She was apologetic and said she didn't realize, and she agreed with me.

For real, must I give a reason why someone isn't for me to every suggestion? Honestly sometimes the answer is that a guy is too nerdy, not socially adept enough, or not smart enough. Does he really want to hear that?

Does everyone need a reason?

Perspective

There's a flip side to every personality trait. What keeps life exciting and fun, what makes people want to spend time with you, can also be what kills you. For me, passion and truth seeking can often become drama apparently.

That part's not super important. It's more about the lesson here.

It's almost easier when you can't trace something back to someone. When it's not someone engaging in really hurtful behavior towards you, it's easier to realize it's from Hashem. It's a lot harder when there's a person behind the incident who is being super insensitive. It seems to hurt a lot more when there are people on the line for making a decision to engage in an action that hurts you. It hurts even more when they excuse their behavior or try to put it on someone else. It even sucks when they can admit they were wrong but won't do anything to rectify the situation because then they lose out. It hurts when they can't see beyond themselves.

If I work to put things in perspective I can see that I only need to realize my tafkid in this world is to be the best me. I need to find my way in the darkness regardless of whatever sucky situation I find myself in. I can be the bigger person and not make someone else suffer on principle just because they made me suffer or even ask them to do something that would make things annoying for them even if it would partially fix the situation.

Just like I can clearly see that I'm not married right now because G-d doesn't want me to be, this situation happened because G-d wanted it to be like this. It doesn't take the people behind it off the hook. No way. But G-d takes care of that. I don't have to exact judgement. I don't have to put myself in the position to get hurt by these individuals again either though.

Chanukah brings with it so many lessons. The smallest light can chase away so much darkness. You can be crushed like an olive, but it's only to bring out your best.

I know it would be so much easier to stay mad at these people and feel a lot better to make them "pay" for what happened, but honestly it's not worth it. I don't know why G-d put me in this situation. I don't know what G-d wants from me specifically. I do know that I can swallow my kavod, swallow my anger and pain and sense of injustice, and I can move on. I can let this be another learning experience about trust and self reliance. I can only work on me, and everyone else needs to work on themselves. Regardless of what I say or do, I can't fix them.

Some Tact Please

At another vort last night (B"H for simchos) of a friend and relative's younger sibling, we were having the conversation of how, in essence, common sense ain't so common.

Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)

I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.

So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."

We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.

The Segula of Learning Zera Shimshon

Segulos can be controversial, especially when someone places his trust in the segulah rather than Hashem Himself. That's akin to worshipping avodah zara or an intermediary. It's the reason why ads such as "How to Get Married Without Trying (Donate to Our Organization)" and "We Gave Up Hope and Were About to Throw In the Towel Until We Saw This Ad and Decided to Donate, and What Do You Know, We Got A Yeshua," are not only bogus, but a chillel Hashem.

Only Hashem can bring you a yeshua. There is no way to beat the system.

However, I recently started reading R' Nachman Seltzer's book on the Zera Shimshon. He tells over Torah from the Zera Shimshon (his peirush on Chumash) and writes about the powerful segulah that its mechaber, R' Shimshon Chaim Nachmani, promises to all those that learn and disseminate his torah, as well as stories to illustrate the topics, and stories of multiple people who saw yeshuos after they began learning the sefer.

The Zera Shimshon did not have children of his own to pass on this torah, and so he promises that anybody who learns his torah will be zoche to all sorts of yeshuos.

Learning torah in it of itself is a worthwhile pursuit, and since I have nothing to lose, I want to try to learn it as much as I can and share a small bit about the parsha each week, sharing this segulah with you all. Since we just started the Torah from the beginning this past Shabbos, I'll share something brief for Parshas Bereishis here, and at some point during this week I will hopefully share something about this week's parsha, Parshas Noach.

(The source for the Torah I'm sharing is brought down in R' Nachman Seltzer's book and attributed to the Zera Shimshon who often quotes other sources.)


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Parshas Bereishis

The Zera Shimshon asks why if Tehillim (119:160) states that "Rosh d'varcha emes," that "Your first utterance is truth," then why does the Torah start with beis, Bereishis, instead of alef (for 'emes')?

He says that emes is actually hinted to in the next three words of the Torah - "ברא אלוקים את." The last letter of each of those words spell out emes.

The beis of Bereishis, R' Nachmani says, alludes to bracha. And so, when one speaks and acts with emes, he will merit blessing in his life.

In fact, the letters of בראשית can be rearranged into ראש and בית, which point to the pasuk of "Rosh d'varcha emes" and beis for bracha.

The Zera Shimshon extrapolates from this that bracha and emes are intertwined, and if we want bracha we need to conduct our lives with emes.

A Single's Rant: Can We Change The System –– Guest Post

People have mentioned that they think it is extremely sad, even tragic that many girls have to wait so long to find their husbands. Girls who have always made good choices in challenging situations, girls who have such beautifully developed middos, girls who were always cut out to be wives and mothers...they wait and wait for sometimes many years with no end in sight.

But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.

So obviously we are not good enough as is.

Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.

It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.

I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.

The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.

I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Someone who I went to high school with, and with whom I haven't spoken to in months and months, texted me:

"Hi SPDR, I just wanted to know what you're looking for."

A few minutes later, "I hope you had a good Rosh Hashana."

Only slightly annoyed at her phraseology and method, I politely replied.

"Hi! You mean in terms of a guy? This is what I tell people..."

"Okay, would you go out with a long-term learner?"

I tried to ignore the expression she used. I tried to ignore that fact that she was asking me about one characteristic when there's so much more to the person, I hope. I just answered her question, very clearly and concisely.

"No."

"Oh well," she replied.

"Just thought it would be a good idea in terms of personality, etc., but he's a long term learner."

To which I replied that I doubt we would be on the same page in terms of hashkafos, broadmindedness, worldliness, etc."

"But he's openminded. That's why I thought of you."

Trying to be open, I questioned in what ways he's openminded and what his background is, etc., but that I would likely not go out with someone only learning at this point, especially someone who plans to stay in kollel indefinitely. She didn't answer. A little while later she got back to me.

"Okay...well, I mentioned to him that you would date someone working and he said he's not interested then."

Ummm, why does she not listen what I have to say about this, but whatever he says goes? I mean, that was exactly the point, wasn't it? Does she think I'm so desperate that even if I tell her flat out "no," that I would not agree to go out with someone wanting to learn forever, I would consider it? I was never looking to marry a guy who wanted to learn l'olmei ad, even when I was super bright-eyed and bushy-tailed straight out of seminary wanting to scrimp and save to support a family in kollel forever. 

Honestly, I feel like it's disrespectful. I know she's just trying to be helpful, but her way about it rubs me the wrong way. If I tell you that that's not what I want, why are you belaboring the point? Why is it only good enough when the guy says that he doesn't want someone who doesn't want someone learning? Was there a reason why you asked me what I'm looking for or was that a formality?

Maybe only ask questions if you really are going to listen to the answer.

Making Things Better

In a recent article, and talk, Rabbi Moshe Hauer nailed it. He spoke about how it's the community's responsibility to make things better for our singles.

He outlined how singles do not want pity; they want and deserve respect. Just because someone has not yet found his/her spouse does not mean that he should be any less recognized for his accomplishments. He also talks about support, networking, and shidduchim.

You'll have to follow the above link to read about it. He does a great job; no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.

While this stuff should be intuitive, unfortunately it's not. Why we have to tell people these things is beyond me, but Rabbi Hauer is right on the mark. Please read, forward, and tell everyone you know about this article. It should be required reading.

Welcome...Please Leave Me A Comment

I got a call yesterday.

"I just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you."

Okay, not that unusual. I occasionally get phone calls from people I haven't spoken to in awhile.

"I'm worried about you SPDR."

A little bit unusual. Out of the blue, worried about me.

"I have a confession to make; I've been reading your blog. I read every post, even the back-links."

That sort of explains it.

I have no idea who you are, all you ghost readers. It's okay, I'm not complaining. I'm glad you're reading. I'm happy you keep coming back for more. I hope something I say can inspire you. It'd be awesome though if you could drop me a line and let me know who you are or where you're reading from, especially if we know each other IRL. Maybe I gave you my url once upon a time and you've been following my rantings since. Comment, email, text, call... I'd love to touch base.

And please, don't worry about me. I'm fine. I process through writing (and talking), so even though I know that a lot of my stuff hasn't been that happy recently, I promise, I'm doing okay. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Dignity for Singles

Someone sent me the link to Chananya Weissman's post on The Times of Israel titled "Dignity for Singles."  I'll let you read it yourself instead of rewriting it.

I think he pointed out many important ideas, and I related to a lot of them. Perhaps his article is similar to the article we wrote, which has yet to be published, outlining various perspectives from singles regarding the so called "shidduch crisis" and how people can help instead of hurt. However, I think that something that was missing from Weissman's post was the positive side to all this. I really feel like it would behoove us to remember that despite the frequent unkindness and insensitivity that we are subjected to as singles, there is so much chesed that goes on trying to help all those that are searching for their soulmates.

It never helps to stereotype and stigmatize on either end.

How Shidduchim Has Changed Within the Last Five Years

While it used to be about waiting by your phone for it to ring, hoping it would be someone with a suggestion for you, the ways shidduchim are brainstormed/redt nowadays has mushroomed quite a bit.

There are frum dating sites, databases with singles' profiles, singles' events, speed-dating, WhatsApp chats to share profiles and ideas, shidduch groups that meet in person to swap names and ideas, etc. etc. It's no longer about friends and family having ideas or even about meeting shadchanim.

Nowadays you can come across a resume of a guy you're interested in and ask someone to suggest it. I've been set up by single friends –– whether it was a guy they dated or someone they knew of through some other way. These methods give singles more control over getting a date. An improvement, right?

I'm not so sure about that.

Singles events and speed-dating have their own pitfalls (read about that here). And, my experience with someone random getting ahold of my profile has been entirely negative. Often the suggestions have just been off, and I can politely decline. It is annoying to have to look at each suggestion with the perspective of trying to figure out why the name came across my inbox and if there's anything there that makes sense. I do it though, especially if it comes with a "yes." I feel like this is my hishtadlus. (I'll still "say no," but I always have a good reason.)

However, this week someone added me to a database without my permission. With my picture. With my cell number and email address. My phone was blowing up all week with suggestions. Really irrelevant ones. I felt very invaded.

I had people bullying me when I declined their suggestions.

"What do you mean you won't go out with a guy 12 years older than you? You would be lucky if he agreed to date you. You're not good enough for him anyway."

"So if his profile doesn't say anything about him and you don't know if he's for you because of it, call his references and find out."

"You need to give me a reason why he's not for you. I need to know who to suggest. Do you want to get married?"

"You need to change your blurb to say x, y, z. Otherwise he's not for you." (The woman asked if I would go out with someone learning and in school and I told her I would consider it. She said I need to change the part about me wanting someone working or in school who is kovea eitim to just say I want "someone learning and in school.")

Like, OMG. Leave. Me. Alone.

I don't like this someone random setting me up thing. I have enough suggestions from people I've met, and those aren't always on the mark.

So, while we've created these situations to expand exposure, they're not always helpful. I think I'll go back to following up with the shadchanim I have met, or the friends and family that do know me. Some of them still make comments about the guy I'm looking for not existing or that people who aren't married are just too picky, but at the end of the day at least they're not like these people who I assume mean well but don't know basic human decency.

Since I've been belittled and humiliated multiple times in the last week, I'm going to give you a bracha that you should all have hatzlacha and bracha in your lives and yeshuos b'karov.  (At least something positive can come from this, right?)

Is It Okay To Lie About Age?

How much does age really matter?

I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?

Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).

Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.

I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.

I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.

When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?

The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?

Flying Without Wings –– Guest Post

Written by a friend, this brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. (All views and opinions belong strictly to the author.) 

It was another failed mission, another deflated hot air balloon of potential matrimony. It was the constant refrain I hear whenever I try to set up a young man and a young woman. "Thanks so much but--NO!" "I really appreciate you thinking of me but--NO!" They come in all shapes and sizes, these "NO!s", but there is no getting around it. A NO is a NO and it obfuscates any hope for a yes. A NO! is the finger that snuffs out the kindling embers.

Why the heck is everyone trying to reach the NO!?

Look, I was once in shidduchim, and it was super frustrating and annoying. Especially when I was set up with guys who were so, um, NO! But for me, I felt that my effort was to seriously consider every potential guy with an ayin tova, a good eye. Instead of rifling through dirty laundry to find the NO!, I sought to discover the YES! Every person has good qualities and potential, and I wanted to find that. Every marriage requires flexibility and adaptability, so I worked to strengthen my versatility. NO! was not part of my overall vocabulary during this era in my life. There were only two young men who I turned away without meeting- one could only be described as a "well-hearted man" who "was just average" (nothing better to say?!), and the other had been raised in a certain environment that was antithetical to my values (ambiguous intentionally, as it was a red flag for me, but not necessarily for others. I also knew his family well, so it was not a blind, curtain dropping NO!) I felt that I should first get to know the guy, see the good for myself, before facing the negative facts.

My perspective: If Hashem has directed me to this young man, there must be a reason, something for me to gain from. Of course, at most times, I did not have a barrage of young men at my door. It is sometimes necessary to create a soft, nicely padded "No," for those times when options necessitate selection.

But when I try to set people up, I am met with resounding NO!s. First come the questions (how should I know how she'd react if she had a flat tire- never happened! Um, of course he'll wake up to feed the theoretical triplets when his wife is sleep deprived. Yes, naturally, she would drive to San Mateo, CA, to conduct a kiruv seminar with her husband if he was to become a world-renowned kiruv rav.) I have been shocked, but of the last 5 dates I have tried to arrange, 3 of them were NOs! because of a 3 or 4 hour driving distance.

Ah, the NO!s 

No,

Too modern.

Too bald.

Too boring.

Too loud-tie wearing.

Too shiny teeth.

Too far a drive.

Too close to home.

Too typical.

Too exotic.

Too NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED.

This is not directed to a specific person, but just some food for thought. 

WHAT IF... your intended kallah was only 4'9" and you said no because you envisioned yourself with a tall blonde?

WHAT IF your intended beshert had a prosthetic leg and you always envisioned yourself with a two-legged man?

WHAT IF your intended beshert lived outside your 30 miles of comfort and you always envisioned marrying the girl next door?

WHAT IF the reason you are in shidduchim for this period of time is to extend yourself? To find yourself beyond the parochial confines of your imagination? What if the reason you are still lonely is because you said no to your intended beshert without ever meeting him?

When I was still dating, I would debate with my friends. Why do you ask about medical issues before meeting the person? Why do you talk about emuna, faith, but try to create your own recipe for a "happy marriage" by ruling out those with certain illnesses? G-d gives life, G-d takes away life, G-d forbid. He grants health, and just as easily, he can G-d forbid take it. In a society that is very focused on emuna when it comes to income, we seem to selectively abandon our emuna in dating. Hashem can easily bring upon post partum depression to that woman who had no TRACE of it beforehand...Hashem can instantly turn a healthy person into a type I diabetic -even adult onset! Hashem can, within the blink of an eye, distort our reality. And at the same time, those who have faced serious adversity (both in the form of health issues, dysfunctional backgrounds, etc.) can be the strongest, most amazing spouses and parents out there because they have worked their entire lives to OVERCOME.

I work in a health care environment of chronic diseases, and I am always amazed by the beautiful marriages some patients have built. "Wait, you married her knowing she would need this surgery some time in the near future?" "Hang on - you CHOSE to marry him, of all eligible men, despite this debilitating disease he has for life?" Yes. Not because they were desperate, not because they were angels. But because they CHOSE to see the YES, to see the good. They overlooked the NOs, they did not seek out the NOs before getting to know the soul, the good, the strength.

Everyone should merit to marry emotionally and physically healthy spouses- of course. But the path to marriage is not straightforward for most - we have to work, struggle, grow. What better way to start off the process than looking for the positive, for the YES!

As fate would have it, I had to attest to my convictions that I had so professed to my friends regarding health issues. If I had looked for the NO!, I would never have married my husband. He had a blaring handicap that was such a NO! without even meeting him. The NO! literally opposed an item on my list of top 5 qualities because my list did not leave room for revision, for interference. It's words had strict definition. But I was intrigued. And I was determined to focus on the positive. So I said yes. Throughout our dating, I got to see the immense good that the NO! almost clouded. Intensely sensitive to others. Super-humanly hard working. Everything he had, he had to work triple hard to obtain because of his disability. And by the end of our courtship - at the start of our marriage- I said to him, "If not for your disability, I would never have married you." Not a pity marriage- never marry for pity. I saw that his weakness - his disability- proved to be the source of all his strength. I realized that my vocabulary of my list was limited. I thought that certain traits were defined a specific way, but he taught me that you CAN fly without wings. You CAN see without eyes. If not for his disability, he would not have embarked on the journey to push himself to his potential. And that is an awesome, inspiring reality.

So please- next time you want to say NO!, reconsider. It may very well be that the NO! could be blinding you from the most amazing future. Live a little, surprise yourself, and see where the "yes" takes you.

Scoring on a Rebound

Can a rebound be the real deal?

Seeking comfort after a heartbreaking, perhaps severely distressing, experience in which you may be questioning yourself, your self-worth, your desirability, etc., is completely normal. These feelings of vulnerability and loneliness can be staunched by connecting with someone new, even if this person isn't right for you. In situations where emotions are heightened, it is common for people to confuse their feelings for something different. (For more of a discussion about this, refer to my "Love At First Sight" post.)

What goes through people's heads' who date someone seriously, perhaps for long drawn out periods of time, dump her/him, and then get engaged to the next suitor, a mere few weeks later? Is this pure rebound science? Are people in these relationships happily married?

Science suggests that rebound relationships can definitely help people heal from a breakup, because being in a relationship (presumably any relationship) promotes higher self-esteem, attachment security, and all those good things that come from healthy relationships. However, when someone is clinging to a relationship only because s/he wants to feel wanted and the relationship is all wrong, this backfires. Therefore, when people marry a rebound, often the foundation of the relationship is critically damaged. It's the same kind of situation that results from someone trying to fill a need in himself/herself by marrying someone that has that specific characteristic. For example, if John himself wants to be (or wants to be seen as) more confident and/or assertive, he may be looking to marry someone who is all that.

However, your spouse is not your cure-all. Two complete people are needed in a relationship for that relationship to work (in a healthy manner). You cannot marry someone just because s/he fills a need. I mean, you can, but that relationship is going to have holes in it, and it's going to take a lot of work to make that healthy and fulfilling in the long run.
If you weren’t willing to settle for your ex, you’re a fool to settle for your rebound.I'm no stranger to this phenomenon of rebound relationships...at least being the party from whom the rebounder is rebounding...Recently, a friend of mine had the same situation. The guy she dated seriously, who said he likes to take things slow and work relationships out slooowly, got engaged a very short time after they broke up.

The only thing I can think of is that something that didn't click with the last relationship, clicked with the new one. What didn't feel right after months of dating, obviously felt right with the kallah.

I have a friend who married her rebound, and she's happily married. When she was dating her husband, it was "so clear" to me that it was a rebound, but somehow it worked out for her, and she really just believes the right one came on the heals of the very wrong one. It could happen.