Tisha B'Av - Are We Just Trying to Make It Through the Day?

Is our goal to merely survive the day, or do we really try to experience the pain of Tisha B'Av, and why is this so difficult for so many of us?

We know everything that happened on Tisha B'Av: how the meraglim returned from scouting Eretz Yisroel and cried for no reason, and Hashem declared that He would provide the Jewish nation with a reason to cry, making this day a day of mourning for the Jewish people. It was to the day, years later, that both the first and second Batei Mikdash were destroyed. At a subsequent time in history, the capture and massacre of the inhabitants of Beitar took place, and later Turnus Rufus plowed the site of the Beis Hamikdash and its surroundings, which signified the finality of its destruction. As a nation we've been through The Crusades, Pogroms, The Inquisition, The Holocaust, and countless other attacks on Jewish lives. Every single bit of suffering we've experienced up until present times is an outgrowth of the Churban; we are still feeling the effects of the destruction today.

There is so much suffering in the world, be it loss of human life in various forms – murders, drownings, what-have-you, or the myriads of challenges that we face every day on an individual level, like financial/job difficulties, divorce, sickness, shidduchim difficulties, injuries, addiction, abuse, infertility, baseless hatred, losing connection to HKB"H, poverty, mental illness, scandals, among other mishaps and misfortune. My suffering, even the "simple" pain of not being married, or the heartache from a breakup, is connected to the Churban. It may be difficult for us to cry over the destruction that took place 2,000 years ago, but it's not that hard to mourn the loss and hurt that we experience all too routinely.

I don't know about you, but I hate feeling sad. Some people have a hard time connecting to the feeling; they shut it out, because it's too uncomfortable. Many people don't know what to do with it or how to express it. When we do feel it, it is easy to get stuck in its downward spiral, the vortex that easily sucks you in to the feeling that things are hopeless, you can't do anything productive, and you will never feel happy again. We don't want to get lost in it, so we push it away; we try to avoid it altogether. Surely we all have what to cry about, but we've compartmentalized it in order to lead a productive life, and so it's hard to access on Tisha B'Av.

We may wonder if our circumstances really "deserve" real sadness and if we are making a big deal about nothing. After all, others have it much worse. I may not be married, or someone may be married and not have children, but so-and-so lost a child. I may not be married, and I've suffered too many heartbreaks, but thank G-d I have so much else going for me in my life. Am I blowing my situation out of proportion? Here is where it would behoove us to realize that pain is not measured on such a scale! It matters only how it’s felt by you, its owner. It is your reality, your experience, your feeling, your pain…no matter the impetus. Honing in on this feeling, allowing yourself to feel it (physically, emotionally, existentially, etc.) without pushing it away is a step toward accepting, exploring, and understanding it.

אֵיכָה יָשְׁבָה בָדָד 

How doth she sit in solitude? 

בָּכוֹ תִבְכֶּה בַּלַּיְלָה, וְדִמְעָתָהּ עַל לֶחֱיָהּ-אֵין-לָהּ מְנַחֵם 

She weepeth sore in the night, and her tears are on her cheeks; she hath none to comfort her...

Sadness is about loss. We need to work on honoring this loss, mourning this loss (what qualifies as your personal churban), instead of disconnecting from it. It's all an outgrowth of the Churban.

Mr. Charlie Harary spoke tonight at the Chazaq event about how the "weird" feeling that we experience during The Three Weeks and The Nine Days is Hashem removing His Presence from among us. It often takes not having something to recognize its value. Therefore, Charlie Harary says, the "zoche" of "Kol hamisabel al Yerushalyim zoche v'roeh b'simchasa," is in present tense. We won't be worthy sometime in the future, but if we mourn properly, we will be able to truly see and feel the happiness of Jerusalem right now. Mourning is not simply sadness; it is yearning, lamenting, for what was, he explains. When we can do this properly, our sadness has a direction; it is a wish, a hope, to live more within Hashem's Presence. When we have this perspective, we invite more happiness, positivity into our lives.

As Jews, we don't believe in getting stuck in sadness, hopelessness. Everything we do is for a purpose, says Rabbi Daniel Glatstein in a shuir about Tisha B'av. There is "direction" to the grieving that we do on Tisha B'av. It is anguish with a direction. After chatzos on Tisha B'Av we get up from our mourning and we look towards the future. We felt the pain, and now what are we going to do about it? Will we let it propel us forward?

Self-righteous sadness is perhaps easy. It's a void that we can get stuck in, a black hole, feeling sorry for ourselves, pushing G-d away. Using sadness to connect to Hashem is that much more difficult, and it is the goal here. Recognizing that all the pain we have, the Shechinah feels so much greater, and every tear we shed is infinitely precious to HK"BH. This pain connects us with Him; these tears directly build the Beis Hamikdash.

In the zechus of our mourning, may we witness the geula and proportionate happiness speedily in our days!

Who Wants to be Needy?

While there is a difference between being "needy" and being "clingy," and the latter often comes from insecure attachment and anxiety (a discussion for another time perhaps), it would behoove us to remember that we need each other for our emotional well being. 

Katherine Woodward Thomas, in her book Calling in "The One," talks about how it's easy to fall into the mindset of thinking that we don't need others and we can do everything alone. Our appropriate actual needs get lumped together with inappropriate exaggerated needs, and we then feel like we have to swallow them all. We want to be independant and self reliant, and if you've been single for awhile, you sort of have had to be anyway. Yet, when you're building a relationship, it's important to remember that having needs is not a negative thing.

As humans, we need to feel connected, valued, cared for, respected. Therein lies the balance between being autonomous and being open to receiving from another. 

Perhaps you are familiar with the tale about how the guy walks into a five star establishment with beautiful ambience and exquisite dishes. Yet, no one is eating; the silverware is too large for them to be feeding themselves with, and so the people are just sitting there feeling irritated and angry. "That's hell," he says. Same scenario, and the guy walks in, everyone is happy, "This is heaven." Everyone is feeding each other...

Autonomy is important, but we need each other too; we feed one another. The ability to be vulnerable and depend on others is a skill. When you see this as being needy, says Thomas, perhaps you need to ask yourself if you are just unwilling to take your own needs seriously, and/or the other person is not able or not willing to provide support, consistency, and love.  Instead of not taking your need for kindness, respect and belonging seriously, work on cultivating relationships where you can ask for what you need and the other can give it to you. 

Men and women have different needs. Women generally need to be heard and taken care of. They need him to keep his word to her, and she needs someone she can count on and feel safe with. Men, on the other hand, need to feel needed, acknowledged for his accomplishments (even the little things), accepted for who he is, and generally admired, liked and respected.

It is important to recognize your needs and honor them, otherwise you end up with someone who doesn't have what you're wanting for and/or can't or is unwilling to provide for your needs.

Perfect Imperfections

So much more than a pretty face...

When we chase externalities, whether it be good looks, money, yichus, job title, etc., we're ignoring something(s) so crucial. Sure, all those details are somewhat important, but what about resilience, integrity, emotional intelligence/honesty, connection to G-d, flexibility, depth...who someone is at his/her core...someone's life skills? Is it really about the labels s/he wears?

So often when looking into a shidduch prospective we ask questions looking for dirt. We want to find out "what's wrong" with someone. We label and categorize, measuring people against our yardstick of perfection. Okay, yes, we need to protect ourselves; we want to know what someone is made of, if there are any red flags...but are we going about this in all the wrong ways?

I've posted about baggage and shidduchim, the need to dispel stigma, and the stigma of mental health issues and shidduchim, but maybe what it all comes down to is the fact that we're all the same at our core. It's not about how "damaged" someone is or how much "baggage" s/he has. Some people understand challenge and some do not. Some of us are self-aware and some of us are not.

We so often hide behind stereotypes and think that painting things with a broad brush will protect us. Does it, or might you miss out on something beautiful because you won't take the time to recognize there are more layers there than you see at first glance?

There is so much ignorance that fuels stigma, for sure. Certain buzzwords instill instant fear. (Read about this in the linked posts above.) We really need to think about, not if I'm willing to "accept" someone's baggage, but if the playing field is even. How might two individuals compliment each other? How might he take care of her (and her needs associated with any baggage) and she take care of him in other ways?

I know that I'm attracted to realness and authenticity. Perhaps most of the time that only comes with pain. I've, across the board, found that people that can be the most genuine and vulnerable are people who have struggled with one thing or another (or multiple things) in life. There's beauty in rawness and honesty. Yet, so often the people that are the most unguarded and real are the people that get hurt the most on this shidduch battlefield. Ironically, these are the people that have been kicked by life and and taught the need/how to cope with adversity. There is so much worth in that –– having to learn about life and how to manage struggles.

People often feel like they have to hide that part of themselves that is imperfect, as if it is shameful and ugly. We, as a society, have taught them that. So what if s/he is good-looking, sweet, smart, responsible, out-going, whatever, if s/he has "baggage" his/her shidduch value goes down?

When will we recognize as a society what is real and what is valuable? I guarantee you, at the end of the day the Lexus he drives or the yichus she has won't bring your marriage peace and happiness.

What Do You Meme

This is a bit of a variation from my regular posts, but I had too many good memes/quotes that I had to share them. For your entertainment...

Single Come, Single Go: Singles Events and Speed-Dating

"The reason I wouldn't have 'said yes' to date him is the reason it ultimately didn't work out," a friend related to me, describing her experience in dating a guy she first met at a speed-dating event.

Conversely, "The only people I've ever dated more than one or two dates were people I met organically, like at a singles' event," another friend disclosed.

How helpful are these type of events? Is this useful hishtadlus, or is it a waste of time?

I personally like meeting new people, so even if events such as these aren't all that helpful, they can be fun, if not, ultimately, frustrating. Yet, they may be anxiety-producing for others, and so I understand why such people would likely steer clear of them if these events have little to no success rate. (If that's the case...I actually don't know.)

There is an art to organizing a productive singles event. Just putting a bunch of guys and girls in a room or even something semi more organized than that, isn't likely to work very well. I believe if there is decent vetting going on, like let's say at least 10 out of 15 guys there would have been otherwise suggested for me, it could actually work. At the very least I can spend 3 hours, versus 30, to decide if these guys are even ballpark at all. Basically, there needs to be handpicked participants who are similar in many ways.

However, this still may be a fail, because the small amount of time one gets to spend talking to someone at such an event is little more than a embellished photo or video clip of the person. Is it enough time to really give someone a decent shot? I know that some of the guys I've dated longest I probably wouldn't have dated had I met them first for only five minutes. On the other hand, I didn't end up marrying them.

Such events are great for networking and meeting a lot of people at once, yet are we going off of anything more than looks (or better case chein/charisma)? Is it mostly about who makes good first impressions?

Our shidduch system has a lot of flaws, and a big one lies in the fact that singles generally rely on others (shadchanim, friends, whoever) to set them up. Singles events can help remedy this, but in more cases than not when someone sets a couple up, hopefully, there are perceived underlying commonalities and/or reasons. This is missing when people meet at an event like this. Attraction, chemistry, and all that good stuff is left out though in the former situation, because there isn't a way for a third party to know how that might work between the two parties. Meeting organically though starts at the place of attraction or at least superficial interest or "click."

I recently met a guy at a singles' event that strategically I shouldn't have been at; I doubt anybody would have suggested the idea within the shidduch realm. We hit it off right away though, and it'd been awhile since I'd connected like that, or felt comfortable, with someone that quickly (or maybe ever –– the comfortable that quickly part). Long story short, connection and comfort isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, especially when it's about marriage potential. Someone can be an awesome person, and the chemistry can be great, but it doesn't mean it makes sense marriage-wise.

Shidduch "investigations" on either side would have prevented us from dating probably had the idea come about a different way. Obviously we were meant to meet each other and I have no regrets (in fact I gained a lot from the experience), but this is a good example of why third-party suggesting makes sense.

How successful are singles events really?

Untying the Knot

Can we untie the knot that asphyxiates us with all this social pressure –– the feeling of needing life to be exactly as we always imagined it? Marriage is great, sure, says O'Shea, but not when it's about conformity, not when it toys with our sense of self. It causes singles to feel bad about themselves just because they're not part of the exclusive club, and it causes people to mindlessly marry just to fit with society's expectations. From the time we're little society places chains around our necks, which threaten to strangle us before we take our first steps.

Like I started talking about at the end of this post, we all have the same capacity for happiness, and it isn't tied up in our marital status. So many people are miserable, and it's easy to blame it on not being married. So many people who are married are not happy either. Married or not, happiness comes from within.

Of course this yearning isn't just about wanting to fit in; it's about having a romantic, intellectual, physical, spiritual, deep connection with another human being –– your beacon in a sometimes dark world (and of course there's a whole religious dimension as well). Wanting to get married and having a family are noble aspirations, but it helps to recognize why you want this and not just think that it's something you're "supposed to have." It isn't something that we can force, and recognizing that it isn't the sole key to your happiness and sense of identity is helpful.

O'Shea suggests that the way people talk about singles or constantly ask about whether there is someone special in one's life that it's almost as if they're condemning singles, making it as if there is something wrong with them, always trying to "fix" their "problem." So yes, we would rather be married, but asking "Are you seeing someone," almost seems like asking "When are you going to be normal?" Being single isn't a disease...

Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness contribute a lot to whether you suffer, relates O'Shea. You have a lot more control over how you feel than you think you do. You may not be able to stop specific unhelpful thinking patterns or feelings, but you do have control over if you decide to seek help to deal with them. Therapy, support groups, self-help resources, and the like can all assist with these thoughts and feelings. O'Shea suggests that maybe it's as simple as changing your inner dialogue. Instead of wondering what you did wrong or how things could have gone differently in a relationship, perhaps just recognize that it's over and done.

Obviously there is no off switch, but instead of playing into the rumination and fantasizing of what could have been, apply your efforts to stop the overanalyzing, cyber-stalking, figuring out ways to run into him/her... Sit with yourself and process the experience. Realize that the end of a relationship doesn't make you worth any less. Be sad, disappointed, dejected, hurt. Feeling these emotions is time better spent getting over him/her than living in the past. Like I've mentioned before, we often hold onto hurt for a longer time than necessary because it's proof we had something, the only vestige left of the relationship. Try to let that go too.

Instead of asking "What is wrong with me," realize that you're special and unique and it wasn't meant to be. Says O'Shea, "Rejection is the universe saying 'you can do better,' and failure becomes opportunity."

While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."

When we start taking responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming them on others or situations and circumstances, we have a lot more control over our happiness.

One of the last bits of advice that O'Shea gives in her book really spoke to me. She suggests that we must all practice love regardless if we're in a relationship, not in a relationship, and especially if you're getting over a relationship. Practice on everyone; it's about patience, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, apologies, accepting apologies, communication, authenticity... Instead of expending all your energy trying to find that one person that will justify your entire existence, try sharing love with everyone. Eventually you will find the person who can intensely reflect it back at you.

Solving for "S"

Following the end of a relationship, something perhaps too short to rationally actually warrant to be called a breakup, but a "breakup" all the same (in tribute to the feeling of click/connection), I just feel sad.

It's never helpful to place judgement on feelings, because they're never right or wrong, they're just feelings. (It's the whole feelings are messages thing. When you try to fight them they find a way to sneak back in where you least expect them. When you honor their message, they dissipate.)

The message of sadness is one of loss. Sure, I lost the relationship, its potential, the person in my life (and everything he brought to the table), the connection we had...but because I'm great at analyzing things, I'm thinking it's not just that. (Rationally it seems like it was too short to feel real loss of any or all of those things!)

I'm still figuring it out, but so far I've been able to pinpoint that perhaps this is about how connection causes a surge of feel good chemicals in one's brain. With the loss of the relationship/connection, my brain is aching for that dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that came along with the interaction.

Gotta get to work replenishing that balance... Social interaction, ie. hanging out with friends, exercise (maybe I need to double the workout routine), sunlight, chocolate/ice cream, and physical touch (lots of hugs and/or a massage) will all help with that.

And So He Lives Happily Ever After

"I just need to take things slow. Marriage is a huge step; and I don't know if I'm ready for it," says the guy who dates you for a long time, breaks up with you, and is engaged shortly thereafter to the next girl. We've discussed this phenomenon here previously as "rebounding," but now that I'm reading this book about unrequited love, I have a whole new perspective. Bear with me.

I'll back up just a little. Samara O'Shea writes about how when someone ends a relationship you were not ready for to be over, she suggests that this person is doing you a favor. In all type of these scenarios there are so many explanations of what is happening there. Perhaps s/he's not fully over someone else, has a fantasy of "love" hitting him/her over the head, whatever, it doesn't really matter.

"When a problem exists in someone's head," she writes, "their head is the only place it can be solved...believing you can solve other people's problems is also a problem...if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, he did you a favor."

She quotes Don Miguel Ruiz's Mastery of Love to expound on this favor.

"Explore the possibilities. Be yourself. Find a person who matches with you. Take a risk, but be honest. If it works, keep going. If it doesn't work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: Walk away; let her go. Don't be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time give yourself the opportunity. If it's not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don't waste your time, and don't waste your partner's time. This is respect."

Often people will make statements, like the one I opened this post with, about not being ready for marriage, but then they seem to jump off that ledge pretty quickly with someone else. O'Shea believes that it just means that these people are in denial. They just don't feel it with the present relationship and use a blanket statement to describe the feeling. (They probably even believe it to be true!) When they meet that person that changes their mind about it, it feels completely different.

O'Shea brings another theory too in which she talks about how guys are like cabs. She quotes Miranda from Sex and the City episode 3x8, "When they're available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide they're ready to settle down...and they turn their light on. Next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one they'll marry...It's all about timing. You gotta get them when their light is on...They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available."

When that girl jumps into your cab just as the light goes on, it hurts. It's devastating. If you've had this happen, read O'Shea's book. She's been through this a few times, and her accounts of these stories are super validating to anyone who has been there (at least they were for me). Nurse your broken heart and let yourself be angry and sad. Remember, a healed heart is that much stronger. Mended, not broken.

It's probably apropos here to talk about what O'Shea calls the "dress rehearsal." Most of us have been there –– rehearsing in our head what we want to look like and how we want to act or what we want to say when we bump into this ex. It's probably not going to go exactly as you planned, because his/her reaction is probably not going to be as you imagined. You can write scripts regarding what you want to say, but in the moment, when you're caught off guard, it'll all probably fly out of your head. O'Shea suggests going for a sentiment rather than specific words. "Stay calm," she says, "it'll all flow from there." Decide whether you want to be cold or polite or whatever. If you feel the need to write down what you want to say, by all means do it. It'll probably change a bunch of times as you process the breakup and your emotions change. In the end you may not even want to say anything at all.

Remember, he may have moved on and you look stuck in the same place, but that's not what this encounter is about. It's merely two people who dated in the past bumping into each other. You don't know that he's happy or what's going on with him...even if he does have a beautiful wife on his arm. (And DO NOT compare yourself to her. Their relationship is not based on the externalities that you can perceive, so it's completely pointless.)

Also, your value isn't tied up in your relationship status. "He got married," O'Shea quips, "He wasn't crowned king...nothing about marriage is automatic...your life, including marriage, will be what you make of it. There are triumphant days ahead for you and disappointing days ahead for him and vice versa." More on that later. (The chapter I'm about to read is called "Unrequited in a Room Full of Requiteds.")

Stay tuned.

Loves Me...Not: Another Post About Rejection Etc.

I picked up this book the other day and started reading it out of curiosity. The book, Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive) in the Face of Unrequited Love by Samara O'Shea, has so many, so many! good insights. I was skeptical that it would be helpful in any way, as most pop psychology/self help books usually write about things we all have learned instinctively by just being passive students of life. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. Even without any formal education –– I think she's a writer by profession, and she'd only recently began pursuing a Masters degree in social work at the time of the book's publication –– she shares a plethora of wisdom (obviously not all her own) about love and loss and all those emotions in between.

As I read, I want to share some of the things that stand out to me with all of you. If you think any of it is interesting or speaks to you, I would suggest you track down a copy of the book and read it yourself. It's an easy and entertaining read.

One of the first things O'Shea does is reference Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. I'll outline them here briefly, but if you're not familiar with them, I'd say it's worth it for you to read up on them. They're powerful stuff...

1. Be Impeccable with your Word 

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love. 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally 

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. 

3. Don’t Make Assumptions 

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

4. Always Do Your Best 

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

O'Shea zeroes in on number two, but I want to talk about numbers two and three. She quotes The Four Agreements to elaborate on the not taking things personally, which basically explains that people live within their own world, their own perception. The things that anybody does or says comes from the "agreements" s/he has within his or her own mind. Even if something seems very personal, even if it insults you directly, it has very little to do with you. Oftentimes it's about how something was triggered for them or a projection of their feelings and beliefs.

In a similar vein, don't make assumptions about why someone is doing or has done something. Even when you aren't in a position to ask, you must accept that you really don't know what is going on and/or why someone is doing something. We can make ourselves sick with worry, anxiety, jealousy, hatred, sadness, etc. when we assume things. We, more often times than not, won't really know why someone doesn't "want" you or why s/he isn't texting you back.

On the topic of rejection, remember that life is full of it –– personally, professionally, you name it. O'Shea offers up some guidelines to help out here.

1. Allow yourself the time to feel bad about things that didn't work out––don't rush through this. It's okay to feel let down.
2. If you made a mistake, don't criticize yourself. Call it just that––a mistake. (We all make mistakes sometimes.)
3. Recognize that the failure of things to work out isn't a reflection of your self-worth or abilities.
4. Find a lesson or three that can be taken away from the situation.
5. Put your black turtleneck on and get back out there.

You know how they all say that you need to be comfortable being alone first, and being single gives you that opportunity? That's great and all, but the want to be in a relationship, to have someone in your corner and all that good stuff, doesn't go away. O'Shea talks to this point too. Being comfortable being single doesn't mean that you don't want love/a relationship. It just means recognizing that "you're the only person you're going to wake up with every single day of your life," says O'Shea. "...You can make more authentic relationship decisions rather than fear-based ones...[working on yourself while you're alone] will enable you to love more genuinely..." It might not feel great, and you don't have to buy into the 'You have be complete on your own; It's an opportunity for you!' stuff that people in a relationship tell you. You do want to recognize though that you can use this time to your advantage. (It doesn't make you more or less single!)

O'Shea also talks about how in a relationship the only feelings you can account for are your own. What may be so super intense to you (or even just seems like a good shot), may be just causal or "pareve" to the other. She points out, as an aside, that when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't necessarily reciprocate your emotion, it's not like it's totally for naught. She claims it's a "chance to practice taking hold of your half –– allowing yourself to feel it fully and let it be something special all by itself." She goes on to say that it's a chance to recognize that you have this capacity to love/care about someone like this and to celebrate it. You may not be able to share this passion with the other person, but you can keep it for yourself and know that it's there for some future situation.

A small note on envy, just because that's the last thing I notated so far in my reading... I know that I've felt jealous or sad/angry/jealous when an ex moved on (read: got engaged/married) or someone else who used to be in my same boat managed to get to the other side. Largely the envy comes from these someone elses having something that I want, right? O'Shea acknowledges that a lot of times this feeling is not that you want to be the other person or have what they have (after all, that person may be married but s/he has zero attraction or perhaps connection to his/her partner...), but it's about the fact that s/he has something to call his/her own. Is there something that you can do, that you have control over to call your own –– a hobby, class, volunteership, whatever? Pursue that, it will help a little.

Remember to love yourself and that everything comes down to you. No one else is to blame for what you are feeling. For real! It's much easier to blame everyone else, and it's aggravating to hear that it's about how you adjust your mindset, because it really does seem so much of the time that the things that happen around us affect our happiness. However, when you choose to take this control, you will have so much more happiness and be less subject to other people's opinions and their mood swings.

On Connection and Rejection

If this is hope, then what is despair? Is it this? They say that the only direction when you're at rock bottom is up...

My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.

Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.

I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.

When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...

In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.

Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.