Parshas Vayechi

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

As Yaakov is on his death bed, when he is giving brachos to Efraim and Menashe, he tells his son Yosef that he knows that he holds it against him that he buried his mother, Rochel, outside of Eretz Yisroel and it was fulfillment of a direct command from Hashem.

The Ramban in Bereishis (26:5) explains why he waited this long to tell him.

Perhaps Yosef believed that the Avos kept the mitzvos of the Torah while they were in Eretz Yisroel. Because one is not allowed to marry two sisters, Rochel passed away, and was buried, outside of Eretz Yisroel.

However, the mefarshim explain that because Yaakov really intended to marry Rochel first, the bechorah was split between Yosef (his children) and Reuven, Leah's firstborn. If Yaakov could not have been married to Rochel, he would not have given her firstborn inheritance in Eretz Yisroel!

Therefore, at this point when Yaakov is giving Yosef pi shnayim, inheritance to both Menashe and Efraim, it is clear that Rochel isn't not buried in Eretz Yisroel because Yaakov could not be married to two sisters in Eretz Yisroel. (The Zera Shimshon explains that this was allowed either because it was a Divine command, or because Rochel had converted and Rochel and Leah were no longer considered sisters al pi halacha.)

Yaakov now explains to Yosef why he buried his mother outside Efrat by direct command of Hashem and for no other reason.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayechi

It's Not About Why Not

"He's a normal guy I think. He said yes to you? You should just go out."

"Just try it. What are you scared of?"

It's not about why not. There needs to be a why yes. Why should I go out with this guy just because he's interested in me? I guess technically it could mean something, but often it does not. I don't need to jump at every name. There needs to be a reason why I'm considering marrying someone, right? And that's what dating is. We date for marriage.

No, we should not be looking for the "no's," but there needs to be a compelling reason why yes.

Everyone dates differently. For some people it isn't complicated. Nice person, nice family, check and check. Go out, get married. Such people could probably marry a handful of people and it's just the matter of who s/he meets first. For others there is so much more that needs to line up. There are certain things that really matter. There are specific things that need to be present.

It isn't a personal insult when I turn down your idea or turn down you. It's just that there are some things that are important and necessary. If it's not there, if the profile doesn't sound compelling, let's not waste anyone's time.

A Quick Note to My Readers

Perhaps this is understood. Maybe I don't need to say anything. However, a few people told me recently that they keep tabs on me and what's going on in my life via my blog. I'm sure for the handful who've told me this (you know who you are), there are a few more people who know me IRL who do the same. 

I just want to remind you all that not everything I write is current or even about me. Sometimes I will start a post and then continue it and publish it days or months later. I might also write something and then schedule it to post a few days or so afterwards. Sometimes I write about things that have happened months or years ago. I write too about experiences and ideas that others have shared with me...

With that being said, thanks for continuing to visit and staying with me.

Happy reading!

Runners, Take Your Mark

"You know the kid who is frantically tying his sneakers by the lockers while his friends have all finished the race? That's what I feel like."

This was an apt description by my friend of her experience in the "Waiting Room" as yet another one of her friends exited with groom in tow.

But a race implies that all runners start at the same point and race down the same trail. Real life is a lot more complex. The Master Trainer allows only one runner per lane and just one lane per runner.

Tie your sneakers and get going. The race is not limited to marriage; the hike starts long before. All of life is a climb, and the Master Planner gives each person his own trajectory to follow.

On my menorah the candles are dancing, flickering, sometimes sputtering, yet always shining their brightest. When today's candles burn out, I know tomorrow will bring additional light. Two candles will follow the one, and then there will be three. Five will follow four, and we will continue counting upwards every day.

We have a rule, "Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin," matters of holiness are always increased and never decreased. If I have lit one candle today, tomorrow I will strive for more.

I greatly admire my friends' investments, toil, and accomplishments in their homes' harmony and in bringing yet more Yiddishe children into the world. Believe me, I really do. I pray to be doing the same very soon. Yet, while my current checklist may not contain any of that, by no means am I the same person I was two, three, four, or more years ago. If I have grown in so many ways then I am confident that I have come far in the race!

Yes, for now I race on my own. Know though, I do not sit and wait for my situation to change so I can "catch up" with my friends. I do not stagnate along the way. Instead, I continue walking. Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin. With hope in my heart and a constant prayer on my lips, I keep hiking onwards towards the sunshine."

(Edited and Abbreviated, Original by Z. Goldheim published in December 20 Hamodia Inyan Magazine)

My sister was reading this article, and she handed me the magazine and urged me to read it. "You'll like it," she said. I stopped regularly reading frum magazines quite awhile ago, as I got annoyed how they often sensationalize issues to sell their publication. Every so often someone will hand me an article or story to read though.

I loved this idea. The race analogy isn't new, but the way its written about here, combined with the maalin bakodesh concept, hits the idea home. It's so true. There isn't just one way to be productive in this world. We don't just start our lives after we get married and raise a family.

What's in your training regimen today?

Just Give Me A Reason

I guess this post really wanted to be written. I had the idea awhile back when I had many names on the table and I had declined most of them. I got some slack for that, and the people suggesting the ideas wanted to know why I was saying no.

"Please give me a reason why so-and-so isn't for you."

Now, I get it if this is a shadchan who really thinks s/he may know someone for me and wants to tweak future suggestions. But what if it's someone random? What if the person doesn't know him and doesn't know me? What if she just went off the fact that we live in the same city and are around the same age? Why does she have to argue with me when I tell her he isn't for me? What if he just said yes clearly because he saw a picture of me? (Getting a yes literally 15 minutes after someone asked me for my profile to send to a guy. What else was he basing it on?) There were myriad permutations of this scenario that occurred.

At the time I got pretty frustrated. I jotted down some notes for a future blog post. I forgot about it. It wasn't as burning anymore. Then the following happened.

About three or four months ago or so someone sent me a video resume of a guy. It did not do him any favors. I'll leave it at that. It was unclear at the time if she had suggested it to him or she was just running it by me first. I'm certain she didn't watch the video. I said "Thanks for thinking of me. He's not for me." This happens to be a shadchan I deal with on a somewhat frequent basis, and she didn't interrogate me why I said no.

About a month ago and half ago, maybe a little longer, someone random sent me the resume of this same guy with a yes. I politely declined.

I got a message, "So-and-so wants to know what about him makes you say he's not for you."

I'm pretty sure I didn't respond to that message.

Today I got a resume with a yes. This guy.

I politely declined. I respectfully told the shadchan suggesting it that it had been suggested in the past and I had said no at the time and the answer was still no.

(I'm going to interrupt myself here for a second. Weird story, two weeks ago another guy who had said yes to me and I had said "no thanks" to came back via a yes from another shadchan. I don't understand. Are these guys playing a game? Do they think I don't remember that I said no? That I will change my mind if someone else redts it? Or did they not remember that we did this already?)

Back to my story, the shadchan messages me and says, "So-and-so wants to know how he can better himself so you will go out with him."

That was taking it a bit too far.

I think my message was fairly polite when I replied that he had been suggested before and I had said no, the question was posed before, and why was he running after me. I also said that he's not what I'm looking for and didn't think it was necessary for me to go into detail.

She was apologetic and said she didn't realize, and she agreed with me.

For real, must I give a reason why someone isn't for me to every suggestion? Honestly sometimes the answer is that a guy is too nerdy, not socially adept enough, or not smart enough. Does he really want to hear that?

Does everyone need a reason?

Parshas Vayigash

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Yosef says to his brothers "Ani Yosef, haod aveinu chai?" The pasuk tells us that the brothers could not answer.

What was Yosef really asking? He already asked them about their father on their previous trip; he knew their father was alive.

The Zera Shimshon suggests that Yosef was asking about if his father was alive, because he knew that Yaakov Avinu had ruach hakodesh and would have known if Yosef was alive and where he was.

Yosef did not know that the shevatim had created a pact when they sold him to not tell what happened to him. They had included Hashem in this pact and thereby k'vyachol prevented Hashem from revealing the truth about Yosef to Yaakov.

Yosef was asking if Yaakov still posessed ruach hakodesh.

Chazal explain that when the pasuk (Bereishis 45:27) says "And their father Yaakov came alive," it means that ruach hakodesh returned to him.

The brothers were silent and did not answer Yosef, because they were ashamed about the pact they made that involved Hashem, the reason why ruach hakodesh was taken away from Yaakov.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayigash

One Check, Two, Gray Checks, Blue

One check
Two
Gray checks
Blue

Multiple past promises of
"I'm always here for you."

"Always here if you need to vent,"
"Really, don't spare me any of your discontent."

Online
Last seen a minute ago
Online
Last seen not a minute ago

Experiencing all this
Stress and fear
Needing you
You said you'd be there

Every inane thing I said
You always sent a reply
Now when I'm going through rough times
What happened to that guy?

I hate how I let you
Mess with my head
Wondering why you're ignoring me
Wishing I didn't care instead

Making me wonder did I do something wrong
Why did you stop answering me
We seemed to be, quite nicely,
Getting along

Will I know tomorrow
Will you answer me
Or is this it
Is this all we will be

Waiting For My Bus Revisited

Waiting for my bus.

Today we have Google Maps, Moovit, Autobus Karov, and a myriad of other apps that will tell you which bus to take to get where you want to go and when to expect its arrival. There's a sign too next to most bus stops with a screen constantly updating each bus's eta.

Does it really help?

I mean, maybe it makes you feel better. Maybe it lets you feel like you're doing some hishtadlus by making sure you get to the right stop when the bus is scheduled. But does it make your bus come quicker or give you any real advantage? Honestly, you can get really lost even with a navigation app running, especially if it's walking directions...

We have profile databases, whatsapp shidduch chats, singles events, etc. Do these things really help us in any significant way? I mean, we're still at the mercy of G-d and when He wants us to find the right one. Perhaps it's hishtadlus. Perhaps it makes us feel like we're doing something more to make our bus arrive more promptly.

Me, I do sometimes still wonder where my bus is and what is taking so long. And, to quote myself, it is at these times that I remind myself that “no bus” or “wrong bus” does not mean my bus is not far behind, no matter what the transit app or bus stop screen is telling me.

Perspective

There's a flip side to every personality trait. What keeps life exciting and fun, what makes people want to spend time with you, can also be what kills you. For me, passion and truth seeking can often become drama apparently.

That part's not super important. It's more about the lesson here.

It's almost easier when you can't trace something back to someone. When it's not someone engaging in really hurtful behavior towards you, it's easier to realize it's from Hashem. It's a lot harder when there's a person behind the incident who is being super insensitive. It seems to hurt a lot more when there are people on the line for making a decision to engage in an action that hurts you. It hurts even more when they excuse their behavior or try to put it on someone else. It even sucks when they can admit they were wrong but won't do anything to rectify the situation because then they lose out. It hurts when they can't see beyond themselves.

If I work to put things in perspective I can see that I only need to realize my tafkid in this world is to be the best me. I need to find my way in the darkness regardless of whatever sucky situation I find myself in. I can be the bigger person and not make someone else suffer on principle just because they made me suffer or even ask them to do something that would make things annoying for them even if it would partially fix the situation.

Just like I can clearly see that I'm not married right now because G-d doesn't want me to be, this situation happened because G-d wanted it to be like this. It doesn't take the people behind it off the hook. No way. But G-d takes care of that. I don't have to exact judgement. I don't have to put myself in the position to get hurt by these individuals again either though.

Chanukah brings with it so many lessons. The smallest light can chase away so much darkness. You can be crushed like an olive, but it's only to bring out your best.

I know it would be so much easier to stay mad at these people and feel a lot better to make them "pay" for what happened, but honestly it's not worth it. I don't know why G-d put me in this situation. I don't know what G-d wants from me specifically. I do know that I can swallow my kavod, swallow my anger and pain and sense of injustice, and I can move on. I can let this be another learning experience about trust and self reliance. I can only work on me, and everyone else needs to work on themselves. Regardless of what I say or do, I can't fix them.

Parshas Mikeitz

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The shevatim leave Yosef to go home, and Yosef sends the person in charge of his house to chase after them and say to them"Lama sheilamtem raah tachas tovah?" "Why did you repay evil for good?"

Instead of asking, "Why did you take the cup," he asked "Why did you repay evil for good?"

The Zera Shimshon explains that he was giving mussar to his brothers. He was saying that they were so jealous of him that they sold him into slavery, but they should have learned from their mothers' relationship! In fact, they exhibited the exact opposite behavior. Rachel shared the simanim with Leah, and she even shared her husband with her as well!

"Where is your gratitude?" Yosef was asking.

Chazal in Bereishis Rabba (84:18) explain that this is hinted to in the phraseology of "You sold the son of Rachel" instead of just saying "You sold Yosef" or "You sold your brother."

Yosef's message to his brothers was that of being kafoi tov (lacking gratitude). They should have had appreciation for what his mother did for theirs instead of just acting on their jealousy.

It is so important to always express appreciation and to make sure your actions mirror it too.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Mikeitz

Only In Israel

Coming into the country, the guy at passport control wants to know why I'm visiting. After we get that squared away, he wishes me a "Yom naim and shidduch tov."

Only. In. Israel.

Last time I was in Israel I started keeping a list of things that were uniquely Israel. I'll share them here in a sec, because, why not? But the aforementioned incident took it to a whole new level. More on that in a moment.


Uniquely Israel...

The way the traffic light turns yellow before it turns green.
The way the tender driver gets around traffic by driving on the shoulder.
The girl davening mincha at the bus stop.
The yeshiva guy walking around in a suit jacket, black hat...and a backpack.
The way the sun sets so quickly.
Froop.
Can you take public transportation to almost anywhere.
Everyone's always davening.
Are there so many people living in the middle of construction.
Does it feel like home even when you haven't been to visit in a long time.
Do you see men riding motorbikes with their tzitzis flapping in the wind.
Does a young kid with ripped pants come over to you and say, "Money ani ohev, yesh la?"
Do women walk around with their cellphone held to their ear by tucking it in their snood.
Do you have so many smoking cabins in the airport.
How little children can buy alcohol so freely.
The way it's never really a surprise to bump into someone you haven't seen in ages.
The way everything is decorated for the current Jewish holiday.
The way everyone feels like they can ask you whatever they want.
Do people park on the highway to daven mincha because they're stuck in traffic coming back from a levaya.
Does security at the airport ask so many inane questions they don't care about the answers to but just want to see if you're lying.

Fun times.

Back to the guy at passport control. It was sort of like the woman I met at Kever Rochel. I had finished davening and was walking out. She came over to me and started telling me that she works in shidduchim and can I send her my shidduch details. She started asking me what yeshivos I date when I told her that I live in the states. "Oh, so, you're not listening to suggestions from Israel?" When I confirmed that I'm not looking to marry an Israeli, she told me regretfully that she can't help me, but she wished me well.

They're all trying to be nice, I know. I mean, I had a few people tell me I should extend my ticket so I could date the suggestions they had for me. Hmm. They care; it's sweet. They don't know me, but they want the best for me. We're all brothers. There's less of a concept of personal space. It's a cultural thing. Sometimes it's annoying, but it's also beautiful.

I made lots of friends on this trip. I had so many interesting conversations with everyone who spoke my language, and a few people who did not. I could complain about how everyone was in my business, but I think that would be shortsighted. I don't need everyone trying to set me up with whichever random person they know, nor do I need well wishes from every random person. It is nice though when I realize that everyone feels connected, and we're all in this together.

Forget to Forget You –– Guest Post

A couple weeks ago I was sitting in shul listening to Krias HaTorah, when all of sudden, out of nowhere, a thought popped in my head. That day marked one year since I met my ex. Completely out of nowhere I went from attentively listening to the leining, to my mind drifting off, remembering and reminiscing about the relationship that ended too soon.

Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event,  and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.

That was 9 months ago.

Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.

I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."

Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.

Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?

Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.

It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.

Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”

Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.

We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.

Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Parshas Vayeishev

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The Midrash in Bereishis Rabbi (84:17) tells us that the aveiros of the shevatim will be remembered for all eternity and they provide hope for the world.

The Zera Shimshon explains that despite it sounding like the aveiros being remembered for all eternity being a negative thing, it is really positive. He says that the fact that Yosef was sold into slavery, into galus, it accustomed the Shechinah to this concept of galus.

He quotes the Shach who says, "If not for Mechiras Yosef, if not for the fact that the Shechinah was already familiar with galus, the Shechinah would have poured out Her wrath on Bnei Yisroel themselves during the time of Churban Bayis Rishon and Sheini, and Bnei Yisroel would have been destroyed." Instead Hashem sent Bnei Yisroel into galus.

The Shechinah was accustomed to galus, because the Shechinah went into exile with Yosef HaTzadik when his brothers sold him. We learn this from the words of "v'Yosef hurad Mitzraymah." The gematria of "Mitzraymah" equals that of "Shechinah."

This set a precedent, and the sins of the shevatim were remembered and will be remembered for eternity. It provides hope, because in the same way that the Shechinah will return from galus, Klal Yisroel will as well.

We should merit the geulah speedily in our days.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayeishev

The Waiting Place

Airports are a perfect example of Dr. Suess's (Oh The Places You'll Go) "Waiting Place." So much tumult. So many people coming and going. So easy to watch them all, wondering, just wondering, where everyone is off to. Everyone's getting on planes and flying to destinations. They're all rushing through the airport with somewhere to go.

Why do I continue to sit here and search for my gate?

Sometimes there are great duty free stores along the way that hold my attention, make the waiting more manageable. Sometimes there are interesting people to talk to. Sometimes there are fellow travelers also waiting for their plane who can relate and commiserate.

It's easy to get caught up in the waiting. But does it have to be waiting? Maybe it's about enjoying the journey, and the time spent at the gate is part of it. Maybe every person, all my fellow travelers, I meet along the way teach me something in some way.

Maybe I don't have to think about it as waiting, but part of the experience. It's not just about getting to my destination, it's about every step along the way.

Parshas Vayishlach

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

In this week's parsha, we read the incident in which Yaakov Avinu wins the feud against Esav's malach. The pasuk tells us that Yaakov's name is changed to Yisroel because he bested both man and angel.

Rashi tells us that after Yaakov beat Esav's angel no one could say that he took Esav's brachos illicitly. It was clear from the fact that he won the fight that the brachos were rightly his. How is this so?

The Zera Shimshon calls upon a Gemara in Sanhedrin (93a) that says that a righteous man is greater than an angel. However, this is only accurate if the man is completely righteous. Yaakov could have never beat Esav's malach had he not been completely righteous in taking Esav's blessings.

As Rashi explains, the fact that Yaakov won the fight and his name was changed to Yisroel, this proves that he wholly deserved these brachos.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayishlach

Get A Clue...Here Are Some For Free

A lull in the conversation, well actually, that would indicate there was a conversation going on. A random attempt at conversation, "So, what do you do when you aren't working?"

I have many hobbies and so the list was long. When I shared that I write, the next question that followed was, "What do you write?"

"I'm working on a book, and I blog."

"You missed the boat on that one, didn't you? People don't really do that anymore."

Excuse me?

Haha. I guess people don't really do this anymore. I guess this is passe. And yes, I know that blogging was quite a bit more popular some years ago. But so what? I'm not blogging to be part of the crowd. Really, what was the point of that comment?

I feel like dating lessons should be mandatory for some people.

The same way that you should always offer a drink to your date, you should actually get out of the car when you pick her up. (Especially when it's a first date and you're parked down the block and she doesn't know what your car, or you, look like.) It's not carpool.

Don't insult her/him. That doesn't make him/her like you better.

Don't say that what s/he's saying is k'fira just because you don't agree.

Don't tell her/him you're not flexible and that you never change your mind. That's not attractive. Compromise and trying to see things from another's perspective is essential for marriage.

Don't bang to get someone's attention (especially since you probably already have it).

All basic. Why do I even have to spell these out?

How Awkward and Weird

Why is bumping into an ex with his spouse so awkward and weird? Just two people, right?

This weekend, I was with some friends in the city. Of all the restaurants in the entire New York, my friend's recent ex with his recent wife happened to come to the same eating establishment at the same exact time we were there. To make matters worse, my friend was clearly noticed, as at one point every single party at the ex's table turned around and stared at us.

Would you point out a recent ex to your new spouse? Who do you think felt the most uncomfortable? Would it have been as uncomfortable if he wasn't married or hadn't gotten married so quickly/recently? Would it have been less awkward if she gotten married since? Is it appropriate for either one of them to say hi to each other? Is it appropriate for either of them to just pretend they don't know each other? How would you navigate that? How would you want your ex to navigate that?

Is there any way to make that encounter not awkward and/or weird?

It's awkward and weird, because they're not just two people. They have a history, memories, a shared relationship, feelings. Perhaps one of them, or both, thought they had a real chance at a happily ever after. Even if not, judging on my own experiences, it's really hard to stop thinking about an ex. Hopefully you get over him/her to a large degree, but you still shared so many personal and intimate moments and things. Perhaps when you do get married it pales or disappears in comparison. I mean, when I've met people that I've liked or clicked with more than a particular ex, those feelings about the ex diminished greatly. We're still human though. We feel. We remember.

In a weak moment I was listening to some trigger songs recently. It's weird how music can generate tidal waves of emotions and memories. (Sometimes those moments can bring clarity, others make the relationship feel like just a dream.) Anything that sparks that flood will make you feel awkward and weird. When it's the ex himself/herself and he clearly doesn't know how to handle the situation either, despite him having clearly moved on, it makes it that much more uncomfortable.

How Traversing Shidduchim is Like Traveling on Thanksgiving Weekend

We got in the car, and the navigation told us it would take a few hours to get home. As we kept getting updates that traffic was building up ahead and our ETA kept getting later and later, we followed detour after detour and couldn't help feeling like we were going totally and completely out of our way and that we would never get home. Day turned into night. The cars in front of us crawled. We left that major highway and took that tiny side street only to encounter the same sea of brake lights.

We knew we were going to get home eventually, but we didn't know when. After each new time update, we sighed and someone cracked another joke about the traffic. We made up another song parody about traveling to pass the time. We called a friend, texted another, tried to keep spirits up.

We still knew we would get home eventually. How long it would take, we did not know. How much we would have to travel out of the way, we did not know. Where we were and how crossing that random bridge we'd never heard of before would help us get there, we did not know.

But we trusted that Waze and Google Maps knew what they were doing. (Kal v'chomer G-d, right?)

Rubbernecking, so not helpful. Watching what other people go through, for good or for bad, when you cannot help them, only slows you down. If we all stopped worrying about how fast other people are driving or what they're doing on the side of the road, we could focus better on what is going on in our cars, get where we're going faster.

Getting annoyed at the traffic is not helpful either. It doesn't help you get anywhere faster. Keeping yourself busy along the way, making sure your car has enough gas to get where you're going, knowing when you might need to ask the driver to make a stop or ask someone else to drive for a bit...are all important.

Still waiting for my "you have arrived at your destination" ...

First Dates, Ex-cetera

First dates are not exciting anymore. It used to be that a first date held hope for me that this guy could be The One. Now it’s just about whether or not it will be someone I will dread spending time with or actually have a good time in his company. How will he treat me? What will happen in that hopefully short amount of time? Will I have clarity about the direction forward?

Call me a cynic, a pessimist, if you must. I call it a reality check. Perhaps it just has to do with my current situation and path of emotional carnage. Will this ever be over?

So of course I started writing this post a few days ago, and at this point I have a different kind of clarity. I mean, there will be more first dates in my future, sure, but what warning signs do I need to see as stop signs is the real question. Will gut feelings this strong always play out this accurately? Or maybe it will feel like this for every potential person.

How did it get to this? Every person, every first date, used to...not feel like this...at the very least.

Parshas Vayeitzei

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The Zera Shimshon asks two questions:

The pasuk tells us that Hashem opened Leah's womb 'because she was unloved.' What is the connection between being 'unloved' and having children?

And secondly, the Torah tells us that Rochel saw that she hadn't borne children for Yaakov and she was jealous of her sister Leah. Is is possible that Rochel, who was such a great woman, the woman who allowed her sister to marry her own chosson before she did, was jealous?

To add to this second question, why does the Torah specify that she hadn't borne children for Yaakov? Why does it mention Yaakov here?

The Zera Shimshon brings a Gemara in Yevamos (64a) that explains that the Imahos were barren so that their husbands, the Avos, would daven for them, because Hashem desires the prayers of the holy ones.

Leah recognized this and realized that if Yaakov was going to daven for any of his wives, it would be Rochel. Leah felt unloved, and because of this Hashem gave her children.

Yaakov saw this, and once he had children from Leah he didn't feel the need to daven for Rochel. In his mind Leah had children without tefillah, so the Imahos couldn't be barren because Hashem wanted their husbands to daven.

Yaakov perceived that Sarah gave birth after her name was changed, and Rivka didn't have children right away after leaving home so the nations of the world wouldn't think she had children because of Lavan's blessing. He didn't see this pattern of the Avos having to daven so their wives would have children.

Because Yaakov did not think that Rochel was barren in order for him to daven, Rochel believed this as well, and she figured that having children was based on the strength of their own merits. And this is why she was jealous of Leah. She believed that Leah had more merits than her, for she had children while Rochel did not.

This jealousy was a kinas sofrim. This is a positive jealousy, wanting to be better, being jealous of someone else's good deeds, etc.

Rochel said to Yaakov, "Give me children, otherwise I am dead!" Indeed, if she believed having children was based on her own merits, and she did not possess the necessary merit to deserve a child, a sinner is compared to a dead person even when they are alive.

Thus, Rochel implored Yaakov to daven for her to have a child.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayetzei

When It Rains It Pours

Someone once shared their wit about the shidduch system. "The girls are all lost in a desert, the guys in a forest." I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I mean, I get it. Girls tend to wait around for someone to express interest in going out with them. (Tumbleweed meme, anyone?) Guys generally are bombarded with names. Is either side easier than the other?

Personally, I would like to think that as a girl when a resume comes across my inbox it would be somewhat on target. I mean, the resumes without "a yes" from a guy are meaningless to me and those aren't even considered suggestions. (I learned this a long time ago. While I might decide such a resume looks interesting and wait to hear back about his interest, in reality the guy has probably never even heard my name. Or he did, and my profile is buried somewhere along with the rest of names that make him feel oh so sought-after and special. But, that doesn't mean he's even glanced at any of them.) And so, when a guy is interested in me, one would think that it at least makes superficial sense. That's more than we can say about the names that lots of guys get. Often shadchanim throw spaghetti at a wall and see if anything sticks. (Different discussion altogether. Maybe a rant for a future post.)

Either way, it's been a bit of an experience for me lately. Often I tend to get "yeses" sort of clumped together. I might have a spell where I won't go out in a few months, and then all of a sudden in the same week I'll get two or three yeses. It's weird how this happens.

This one is a new level though. In a two week period I received about a minyan of "yeses." Surprisingly most of them were via people that I actually know. Not surprisingly I was able to nix at least half of them right away. And of the ones remaining, I may not even go out with any of them.

When I was venting my frustration and stress about this, a friend said to me, "At least you have names." When I shared how stressful it was and how it makes me question if I'm saying "no thank you" to G-d when He may be sending me my zivug in a package that makes no sense to me and having to figure that out, she took back her comment. (Yeah, yeah, I know by now who I can talk to about these things. It's the "Well I'm sorry you're so popular" comment that gets me. I won't rub this in your face, because I know that any attention would feel nice to you, but a bunch of people not for me doesn't feel that nice. Different nisayon that ultimately has the same end.) I honestly sometimes wish for the empty, quiet bus stop.

I'm hoping this is the part of the game where everything kind of flies at you at once, and you have to dodge, duck, jump, and/or slash the oncoming hurdles to reach the finish line. (Those wolverine claws would come in handy just about now.)

Pouring rain isn't awesome. Slogging through the puddles is really uncomfortable. I just want one, the clarity to know he is The One, and that's it. I don't want to date anyone that isn't for me, especially with my track record.

Hoping For A Change

We all have our vices. For some people they're innocent –– an extra piece of cake, a handful of candy, lots of shoes, whatever. Other people struggle with more "addictive" habits. Sometimes these things are actual defects of character –– an anger management issue, excessive arrogance, etc. Sometimes the person is defined by this bad habit or struggle.

For the million dollar question: can this, will this, person change? Maybe you're a good influence on him/her. Maybe you bring out the best in him/her. Will you marry him/her knowing that you can't change him/her and s/he may not change even if s/he promises s/he will/is changing?

First things first: people can change.

Prelude to that though, changes someone makes for someone else don't tend to last.

What happens, too, when that person is under stress? Do those habits come back? How disciplined is this person? Does that even matter? Habits are ingrained. They create pathways in one's brain. An alcoholic can slip back into the drink even after years and years of sobriety.

If it's a middos thing, I would venture to say that working on one's middos in a skillful way can really change who s/he is. But even then, in a stressful situation perhaps old habits will rear their head. It might just take a slight thing that will send the person spiraling. But then, the person who has had to work through a challenge is that much stronger in the face of adversity. No one is perfect.

There's no clear answer to this question, but I will leave you with this. You need to really like and accept the person for who s/he is even with this shortcoming. If this person does not change, or if this person slips back into old ways, you need to know that you can live with him/her.

You can't marry someone hoping they will change.

We're All Eating Dirt

We're all eating dirt. Maybe my dirt, from where you're sitting, looks like chocolate ice cream, but it's not. Because my dating life is strife with stories and yours seems so boring compared to that, mine really isn't that much easier. In fact, I think it's probably harder.

You think that I "always get the guy," have more dates than you, have longer dating stints, actual relationships when you don't. How does that help me? It actually hurts a lot more than not going out at all.

Maybe yours is external pain while mine is internal. I mean, there's no way to measure how much something hurts. Maybe your situation seems like it's worse to you. You can't see my pain. Everything looks fun and flamboyant. It's not, believe me.

Are you jealous of me that the woman sitting next me on the plane last weekend talked my ear off the whole flight? Why not? Exactly, it's not pleasurable, even if it was attention. Neither is dating a bunch of wrong guys. It's actually really painful.

We all have our own challenges when it comes to dating, and life, and no one is better off than the next. Why are you resentful of me? We're both just doing what we know to get married. I'm not better off than you.

Single and Ready to Flamingle: The Pitfalls of Singles' Events

While I addressed the general drawbacks here re singles' events, I feel the need to revisit the topic and add a few more hazards to be aware of.

While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.

Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.

Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.

I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.

Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.

As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.

Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.

It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?

We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If  your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.

I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.

And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.

Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.

Today Is The Tomorrow You Worried About Yesterday

How significant it all seems
All the importance we put on things
Preconceptions and judgements matter so much
Perspective is so powerful
Yesterdays look different today, today will too tomorrow

But we live in the here and now
Different things do matter
All this feels important now
You do get through it though

Parshas Toldos

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Yaakov Aveinu brings his father Yitzchak a meal, and Yitzchak Aveinu wonders how he was able to bring him the food so quickly. Yaakov responds by saying "Ki hikrah Hashem Elokecha lifanei," "Because Hashem your G-d arranged it for me."

The Zera Shimshon asks why Yaakov doesn't just say "Hashem helped me," why the lashon of "Hashem your G-d arranged it"?

He answers that he was saying that a neis had occurred that he was able to find and prepare this meal so quickly. Yaakov was afraid that Yitzchak would not want to partake from the food if it was indeed a miracle, because the Gemara in Taanis (24a) tells us that it's forbidden to benefit from miracles. The "Your G-d" part comes to add that for someone like you, Yitzchak, there is nothing to worry about regarding partaking from something that is a neis.

The worry is that if someone benefits from a miracle, it takes away from his Olam Haba. Yitzchak was blind and confined to the house, and it is said that his yetzer hara had been removed from him. Therefore, it was like he was already in the World to Come, and he did not have to worry about benefitting from a miracle taking away from his Olam Haba.

"Hashem your G-d prepared it for me." One cannot do a thing in this world without Hashem's expressed desire. 

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Toldos

To Date. Not to Date. Questions.

Is going out with someone who is so off the mark worse than not going out at all? (Obviously if you know from the outset that it's a no-go, I beg you to respect yourself more than that. Don't just go out because you want to feel like someone wants to date you. I'm talking about in retrospect, does dating that person that is not even ballpark make you feel worse than not dating at all?)

I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.

As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.

Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.

However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?

I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?

You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.

Dating Protips

Some of these, most of these, should be intuitive. Unfortunately they're not, so I'll spell them out.

Formalities exist for a reason. Treat her like a lady.

1. Guys, walk a girl to her car, or front door. Especially if it's night. If you can't, at least watch her to make sure she gets in safely.

2. Offer her a drink (by drink I mean beverage, the non-alcoholic variety). It's basic. Would you hang out with/talk to a friend for a few hours at a time and not get a drink?

3. If you're going out right after work (or really around any mealtime), especially if there's traveling involved, ask if the other person is hungry. She's not just looking for a free meal; the rushing around may not have allowed her (or him) time to eat. The guy or girl. Skip the stiffness. (Was it really ever uncomfortable to eat on a date?) If you're hungry, or suspect the other person is, offer to get something to eat (even just a snack).

4. If you get yourself a straw, spoon, fork, napkin, drink, get one for the other person (or at least ask if the person wants one). Wouldn't you do this if you were with a friend?

5. Be clear about what you want or need. No one can read your mind. Don't say one thing and really mean another. It establishes wrong expectations and sets you up for frustration and resentment.

Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind

What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?

Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?

Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?

What's the right thing to do here?

I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?

Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?

So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.

Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.

Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.

#ihatethisgame

Parshas Chayei Sarah

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

In this week's parsha, Sarah Imeinu passes away and Avraham Aveinu comes to eulogize her and to cry. The Zera Shimshon brings the Maavor Yabok that says that hespedim are crucial when someone passes away, because it causes people to cry. Crying opens the Gates of Tefillah (since the Gates of Tears are never closed), and this redirects the din from the niftar.

The Zera Shimshon relates that the kuf in "v'livkosah" is written small in the Torah to tell us that Avraham did not cry over the physical loss of Sarah, rather her spiritual essence in this world.

It is a natural response for people to react to loss with tears/crying. The Torah says that Avraham came to eulogize...and bewail her, telling us that his crying was not just the natural reaction to his loss. His crying was far more meaningful; it was a mourning for her neshama no longer being among them.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Chayei Sarah

Game On

All the players playing this round have been dealt their cards. Your aim is to play them in the best fashion you see fit.

You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.

Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.

I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.

It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:

I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"

I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.

I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.

I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.

The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.

I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?

First Date Syndrome

Often, dating feels like the "First Date" Master of None episode where the Ansari character goes on multiple first dates and they all sort of blend together, each girl he dates bringing out a different aspect of how (endless) dating can turn out.

I don't watch Netflix or comedy generally, so I only know about this episode because someone used it as a term, almost like "Groundhog Day," I guess. Before the Bill Murray movie, did Groundhog Day mean anything aside from February 2 or the day where the little animal in that same family as the woodchuck and gopher comes out of his burrow and if he sees his shadow we have more days of winter? Either way, Master of None "First Date" dating sort of does feel like Groundhog Day.

It's been quite awhile since I've been on a traditional first date, the type where it's practically a blind date, where what I know about the guy is limited to what his references and other random people have told me, and oftentimes I haven't even seen a picture of him. I guess those work well when you hit it off with the person, (rare), but precisely for that reason it's the same script. Getting to know someone, getting comfortable with someone, can be like that. Until you actually have a certain level of comfort, it's hard to feel like it's anything but playing the same role again and again on the dating theater stage.

I had that weird sense of deja vu recently; even when trying to build a relationship with someone, I just couldn't help the feeling of doing the same thing all over again. This is one of the things I really wish I had a time machine to get through, a fast forward button on my life. It's hard to have the emotional energy to give another saga my all not knowing how it will end.

Someone once suggested that I get invested in things too fast, that I give too much of myself. I honestly don't know that there's another way to do it for me. I don't have to share everything with everyone, and I don't, but that's who I am as a person. I connect with people. I want to share my life. I support people –– get invested in their successes, support them through their hardships. And I lean on them to support me through my challenges. I often wish I could know who I will make it to the finish line with. I also wish I could skip all the other relationships.

Yes, I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and 'tis better to have loved and lost...I just need to figure out how to get in,  figure out what I need to know, and then get out (or clinch the deal). I guess I also just have come to dislike the small talk and the textbook dating activities and conversations. The problem is when I skip those the relationship fast-tracks and isn't super conducive to marriage, or at least clear-minded rational thought to determine that.

Is there a way off this hamster wheel?

Come On and Ride the Train

I got on the train, left the city behind. I sat back in my seat a little apprehensive for the journey ahead. The first bit was surprisingly easy. I looked out the rear window just a bit, glancing back every now and then, gazing longingly at what I’d left behind. Soon, though, all that was too far away for me to see clearly. I started to enjoy the scenery outside my window.

Every now and then we passed through a rainstorm and I watched my world from behind a curtain of rivulets of water, which distorted my view. Overall it was sunny and the grass was green. I was busy thinking about what lay ahead, too busy to think about where I was coming from. Of course it was still in the back of my mind, trapped away in a little compartment.

And then the compartment came undone. I don’t know why; I don’t know how. I don’t know what it will take to seal it again. What I do know is that it’s clouding my trains of thought. I do know is that it was shortsighted to think that I was far enough from the city to not look back and see it. Trying to live my life forward...

Parshas Vayeira

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

What do the words "Atah yadaati ki yarei elokim ata (v'lo chashachta es bincha yechidecha memeni)" mean? Why only now, at the time of the Akeida, does Hashem know that Avraham Aveinu (A"A) is a G-d fearing individual?

A"A personified chesed; he was such a giving person that people may have thought that this was just his personality –– he pleased Hashem and did what He asked because he liked pleasing people. If this was the case then Avraham passing the ten nisyonos would have nothing to do with him being a G-d fearing person. 

Akeidas Yitzchak, an act of pure cruelty, went against everything A"A represented; it was the complete opposite of his midda of chesed. Therefore, now Hashem knew that A"A was acting out of pure fear of G-d and desire to serve Him and not just because of his nature.

This should give us pause. Why do we do mitzvos?

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayeira

Rainy Daze

Watching the rain cascade down the windowpane, the world a little darker, outlines a little blurrier.
Never knowing when the rain will stop, but knowing that it will.
Recognizing that everything needs rain in order to grow.
Reflecting on how the rain softens the earth, leaving it ripe for new growth.
Appreciating how rainy days provide an excuse to seek comfort from the storm.
Giving permission to the rain to wash away all that's unwanted.
Realizing it isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but making your own sunshine.

Some Tact Please

At another vort last night (B"H for simchos) of a friend and relative's younger sibling, we were having the conversation of how, in essence, common sense ain't so common.

Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)

I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.

So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."

We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.

Parshas Lech Lecha

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Hashem says to Avraham, "V'eeseh l'goy gadol, v'avarechicha v'agadlah shimecha v'haya bracha. V'avarcha mivarchecha..." –– "And I will make of you a great nation; I will bless you, and I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you..."

The Zera Shimshon asks what is the connection between "you will be a blessing" and "I will bless those who bless you;" what do they have to do with each other that they are juxtaposed here?

He explains that "you will be a blessing" and "I will bless those who bless you" are related in the sense that blessing has a rebound factor. Meaning, when one person receives goodness, the person who gave him that blessing will then have goodness too. It is similar to the idea we see in Bava Kamma (92a) regarding if someone is m'spallel for his friend, he will be answered first.

This concept is true too in the opposite sense. If a bracha does not come true for someone, the person who gives the bracha will not either be blessed (despite that he will be rewarded for his efforts to help his friend).

We hear about this idea so often. There are so many "Kol Hamispallel B'Ad Chaveiro" campaigns –– different people who need yeshuos davening for each other. It allows us to connect with other people. If we can really feel another's pain like we feel our own, really daven for someone to receive a yeshua because their pain feels personal to us, iy"H we will see yeshuos in our own lives.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Lech Lecha

Committment Phobia

Planning a Shabbaton, or more accurately a small weekend getaway with a handful of friends, made me realize how commitment-phobic people can be. I get it, life happens; things are going on, and people need to be able to flake. I know I don't like to schedule things for a few months out, because at this stage in the game I'm always secretly hoping that my life is going to be infinitely different in a few months, that there will be someone in my life who I will want to spend all my time with and change all my plans for.

Samuel Decker Thompson said it perfectly, "We are all just a car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a newfound love or broken heart away from becoming a completely different person."

Even so, the Shabbaton I'm working on isn't months out, it's a few days away. Something that everyone, myself included, can work on is realizing that plans can be changed in the event of an emergency or something grandly more important. Even if it costs a little extra money, emotional energy, whatever, not making decisions isn't always safety, you can lose out on so much. Not making a decision is making a decision too.

This is true in relationships, but this is also true with committing to most things. Relationships are probably the quintessential example though. It's about being resistant to change, to not being able to look ahead and make decisions for your future.

If you aren't familiar with Spencer Johnson's Who Moved My Cheese, a parable about how different personalities deal with change, here's a link to a summary video. It's worth the 3 minutes.

Sniff and Scurry find their way to the new cheese (whatever it is that is valuable and your goal in life), while Hem and Haw, well, hem and haw. Haw learns valuable lessons along the way, while we don't know what happens to Hem.

There's so much less on the line committing to, or backing out of, a Shabbaton, than what's at stake when we're talking relationships. Relationship anxiety a lot of the time is rooted in fear of emotional intimacy or stems from previous bad relationship experiences. Not being able to make choices in general can have many other causes. Sometimes it's really just a heavy duty case of FOMO (I'm not kidding). People may not commit to one thing, because they are always wondering what else they may be missing out on. Sometimes people have a hard time with decisions, because they're codependent and they're always trying to figure out what the other person wants and have convinced themselves that they don't have a preference. Sometimes it's much deeper rooted, and the person probably should speak to a professional who can help him/her get to the bottom of it.

With all that said, I'm going to toot my own horn for a moment and say that in the end we rounded up enough people to make the Shabbaton happen (financially worthwhile and all that) and worked out destination/location/property all in just a few days. I should get one of those tshirts that say, "I make things happen. What's your superpower?"

Seriously though, I think the more invested someone is in something, the more s/he can make decisions to make it happen. The less s/he cares about it (even if s/he's lying to himself that s/he really does care...actions not words), the less s/he will take a hard look at why s/he's having a hard time committing.

At A Younger Sibling's Simcha

Spending a good portion of the day at a good friend's younger sibling's vort really made me think about my own experiences like this (outlined in these posts). Really, I'm happy to be moral support, play bodyguard, or just be a welcome distraction.

At my own younger sibling's vort, I remember telling my friends they didn't need to come. When we talk about it now, they laugh at me for being macho and playing the "I got this" card, when it turned out to be not that fun. I don't think I was thinking "I got this" back then. Really, I just didn't want to be the older sorry single sibling who needed friends surrounding her at all times to make it through the night. I thought I would be okay, because it was a simcha of a sibling. I figured there would be enough family around to keep me occupied. I guess I didn't realize how it was going to play out and that there would be lots of (younger) people that I knew coming for the chosson and kallah and how that would feel.

While there will always be a fair share of people who don't think, I believe that people have gotten a lot better in the recent years. (Unless I, and my friends, have just gotten older and so people are more sensitive.) We're hearing less "Iy"H by you"s, less "You're next," less "We should share in simchos." We get it, you're trying to be nice, but it hurts.

I've mentioned the article we compiled to share some of these helpful tips, which no one wanted to publish. (Perhaps it really can be revamped to become publishable.) We were talking about it during the informal after-party with a neighbor who wanted to know how many hurtful comments my friend had gotten during the course of the vort. She came up with the idea that we should make a "What Not To Say At A Younger Relative's Simcha" youtube video. Interesting idea. Perhaps we'll start writing a script...

Being single is one challenge, having younger siblings and being single is another.

Reset: Tips To Get Over A Breakup

I'm far from the expert at this. Let me rephrase: I don't want to be an expert at getting over breakups, but I'm going to share some of my own "what works" with you. There are so many things that come along with breaking up with someone, and often when the stakes are high, as they are in shidduch dating (marriage-focused dating and dating in a marriage-focused culture lends to a certain intensity), the hurt is compounded. 

There are so many different aspects to why breakups are hard, but check out some of my (many) other posts for that. Here I want to talk about getting over a breakup especially when you don't really want to. Hanging onto the breakup is us hanging onto whatever semblance we have left of the relationship, even if it's a load of pain.

I recently heard a line that I related to very much. It went something like this, "Don't you ever want to be in a relationship, just so you can relax?" Dating and finding "The One," the whole game, is stressful and, at the very least, annoying. Getting over a breakup takes work too. It doesn't happen by itself. Time helps, sure, but staying in bed eating ice cream watching reruns of your favorite TV show isn't going to help you get over your ex.

I know for myself, after big breakups, it's always necessary for me to reset. How I do this often varies, but preferably it involves taking a vacation (or two). If you can't afford the time off (or financial expense of the trip), weekends away work too. It's about mixing up your usual routine.

Social support, spending time with friends, is really important in a reset too. Picking up new hobbies, like running or crafting, or whatever it is that speaks to you, can help too. I find that writing and talking things out is cathartic and valuable. Feeling your feelings, not denying the sadness and/or anger, is healing as well. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy, even if it feels like those things are few and far between these days. Look forward, and try not to look back. Don't question and analyze. If something is meant to be, it will come around. It doesn't help to live in the past. Emotional clarity will come with a period of no contact (texts, emails, social media stalking, etc.) and time. Go have some fun and remember that you are an awesome amazing person and your worth is not tied up in someone else. You'll have your day, and when that happens you'll be able to look back at the breakup through a new light.

Finding My Way Back

Wish my heart would stop beating
Me up
Wish my head would follow
My heart
Wish this wasn't
So complicated
Wish I could
Make sense of it all

Wish I felt I had a place
In my own life
Wish I could find the page
Where I left off

You took me down
To build me back up again
Dragged me around
But all by my own doing

This story I'm writing
Could be called fiction
Though waking up is hard to do
Falling asleep's impossible too

Trying to put
The pieces back together
Feeling hopeless
But hopeful
Lost and searching
For some new light in this dark tunnel

Love and Loss

For a long time, I had this block against Alfred Lord Tennyson and his quote, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I mean, it's so obvious to me that it's better to have loved and won, right? And, if you have to lose, is it not better to have never played at all, never known what you were missing?

Yesterday I was listening to someone talk about grief and loss. He shared about the profound grief he experienced following the death of a close family member who he regarded as a mentor to him. After that happened he recognized that he closed himself off to close relationships like that one, holding everyone at arms' length, not letting people in, for fear of suffering another heart-wrenching loss. The loss was so intense, because his relationship with this person was that close.

There are myriads of Brene Brown quotes I can insert here, but I'll go with the following from her The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are:

"Joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions. To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees—these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain."

Love costs so much, because it gives so much.

You gotta pay to play, but even if you lose, I'm starting to think it's worth it. Not just because of what is and isn't possible if you open yourself up or close yourself off. The experience itself is enriching. Fostering a close, trusting, loving relationship with someone you care about can change you...even after the person is no longer in your life.

A loss is essentially hard because it means that you've lost a part of yourself that was wrapped up in another person or experience. Grieving means figuring out how to get back to yourself, navigating your new reality, because your life is forever changed. It will never be the same.

Marrying Your Best Friend

I used to think that I wanted my spouse to first be my best friend. Building on a solid friendship seemed like a good plan towards eventually building a deeper, closer, more intimate, trusting, romantic connection with someone. While it's still true, I want my spouse to be my best friend, I don't know if I want him to first be my best friend. Perhaps friendship and romantic relationship come at the same time.

Getting to know someone as a friend first somewhat lessens the pressure of him/her having to "prove" himself/herself in a relationship, and both parties can be more authentic. Going on informal dates and enjoying each others' company, learning about each other organically, getting more comfortable with someone naturally rather than forcing the issue, and not feeling like you're on mission to find out the inner workings of someone's brain perhaps could be helpful.

Many moons ago, I dated someone, broke up with him, and because he wasn't really ready to let it rest, we ended up picking things back up a little while later. At first we were dating more informally, and I learned so much more about him during that time period. He shared things with me that he probably never would have had we been formally working towards marriage. I also didn't feel like those things mattered as much, because I wasn't making a judgement about his marriage potential after every time we went out or talked.

The way the shidduch system works though, for the most part, is that our dating is very focused. Each date means something. The date number itself is a benchmark. We're working towards marriage, so everything gets carefully weighed and assessed. There's less room for relationships, connecting with someone, taking things slow. The emotional consequences are also greater when said relationship doesn't work out. The stakes are higher.

This is perhaps why building this relationship while building a friendship is ideal. We don't really have room to build (or have) intergender relationships within most frum circles. If we're cultivating a relationship with someone of the opposite gender it works best if it's for marriage purposes. Focused dating makes sense. Our system has so many flaws, but we have yet to come up with a better way to do this.

Marry your best friend, but because s/he is your best friend and your sweetheart.

Parshas Noach

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Noach spends 120 years building a teiva while his neighbors watch. It's brought down that he does this as a way to warn people that if they do not repent from their sinful ways that they will be destroyed by a mabul. The Zohar (67b) says that Noach should have davened for the people of his generation not to be destroyed rather than just trying to influence them to repent and/or build a teiva for his own means of survival. Thus, the mabul is called "Mei Noach," as if the destruction of the world is on Noach. [Yeshayahu 54:9 "For this is to Me as the waters of Noach"]

This is similar to when Mordechai, in the times of Purim, comes to Esther and asks her to speak to Achashveirosh on behalf of the Jewish people. While doing so put Esther at risk for her life, Esther could not sit by while the klal was in danger.

The Gemara in Taanis (11a) states that when the klal is suffering one should not comfort himself saying that he is okay, he is comfortable, and that he has enough. One cannot sit idly by while others are in pain. In fact, the Gemara states that if one does this, he will not be included in the relief when it does come to the tzibbur.

How often do we ignore others' needs, be them physical, emotional, spiritual, whatever, stating that we're okay, all is good in our lives...? What more can we do for other people, look outside of ourselves?

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Noach

When A Person Becomes A Label –– Guest Post

We live in a world of labels –– on food, clothes, politics, and everything in between. Everywhere we go, labels provide us with information, both crucial and non-crucial. They can also serve the purpose of showing others who we are as people. So, of course, why would anyone then expect dating to be any different?

I was signing up for SYAS the other day, and one of the fields that it asks is how you identify religiously. These choices ranged from Traditional and Reform to Yeshivish and Chassidish, going into as much detail as "Modern Orthodox Machmir" and "Modern Yeshivish." With all those choices, you would think that they span the spectrum and cover everyone, right?

Now, from a purely logical point-of-view, I can understand the use of using this system; it allows people to weed out those that are not for them at a quick glance. However, the problem is that dating, relationships, and love are not intellectual by definition. How is it that we can boil down who someone is to a label? And what happens when someone falls through the cracks?

I grew up going to a Frum Jewish day school and went on to study in yeshiva, both for high school and after. But the thing is, I didn’t become Frum until 11th grade. So, not only am I dealing with the stigma of being a Baal Teshuva, there is no box for me at all. I feel like I am too Yeshivish for the MO crowd and too Modern for the Yeshivish crowd.

Now, I don’t have answers for this, but what can we do as a community for those like me that don't feel like they have a place? The feeling of continuous rejections, either because a shadchan can’t comprehend what I'm looking for, or because someone takes a look at my resume and instantly thinks that due to my background/family I can’t be who I say I am or I'm not right for them.

In short, while labels can be useful, perhaps they should not necessarily have the amount of power they are given. There is no doubt that we need a system to help figure out (quickly) who is worth looking into, but I feel that we must remember that as singles we are going through this together. It would behoove us to remember that while labels may tell you something about a person, they are not the full embodiment of that person, and we owe it to ourselves, and each other, to look past the superficial.

The Segula of Learning Zera Shimshon

Segulos can be controversial, especially when someone places his trust in the segulah rather than Hashem Himself. That's akin to worshipping avodah zara or an intermediary. It's the reason why ads such as "How to Get Married Without Trying (Donate to Our Organization)" and "We Gave Up Hope and Were About to Throw In the Towel Until We Saw This Ad and Decided to Donate, and What Do You Know, We Got A Yeshua," are not only bogus, but a chillel Hashem.

Only Hashem can bring you a yeshua. There is no way to beat the system.

However, I recently started reading R' Nachman Seltzer's book on the Zera Shimshon. He tells over Torah from the Zera Shimshon (his peirush on Chumash) and writes about the powerful segulah that its mechaber, R' Shimshon Chaim Nachmani, promises to all those that learn and disseminate his torah, as well as stories to illustrate the topics, and stories of multiple people who saw yeshuos after they began learning the sefer.

The Zera Shimshon did not have children of his own to pass on this torah, and so he promises that anybody who learns his torah will be zoche to all sorts of yeshuos.

Learning torah in it of itself is a worthwhile pursuit, and since I have nothing to lose, I want to try to learn it as much as I can and share a small bit about the parsha each week, sharing this segulah with you all. Since we just started the Torah from the beginning this past Shabbos, I'll share something brief for Parshas Bereishis here, and at some point during this week I will hopefully share something about this week's parsha, Parshas Noach.

(The source for the Torah I'm sharing is brought down in R' Nachman Seltzer's book and attributed to the Zera Shimshon who often quotes other sources.)


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Parshas Bereishis

The Zera Shimshon asks why if Tehillim (119:160) states that "Rosh d'varcha emes," that "Your first utterance is truth," then why does the Torah start with beis, Bereishis, instead of alef (for 'emes')?

He says that emes is actually hinted to in the next three words of the Torah - "ברא אלוקים את." The last letter of each of those words spell out emes.

The beis of Bereishis, R' Nachmani says, alludes to bracha. And so, when one speaks and acts with emes, he will merit blessing in his life.

In fact, the letters of בראשית can be rearranged into ראש and בית, which point to the pasuk of "Rosh d'varcha emes" and beis for bracha.

The Zera Shimshon extrapolates from this that bracha and emes are intertwined, and if we want bracha we need to conduct our lives with emes.

Dancing Round and Round in Circles

Simchas Torah this year was quite the experience.

I'm always struck by how beautiful it is that we're dancing like this for the Torah. The actual tefillos of the hakafos, the lyrics to the tunes we sing, the niggunim, the energy...it's pretty inspiring.

The only thing I can compare it to is a Hachnsas Sefer Torah in Eretz Yisroel where streets are blocked off and there are throngs of people and tons of music and candy. The kavod we give to Torah. The excitement we have for Torah. We forget it when it's not in our faces.

This year, as I was surveying the lebidig scence, it transported me back (as it usually does) to a time when I was child, probably two or three, sitting on my dad's shoulders as he danced round and round on Simchas Torah, pausing to kiss the sifrei torah as we passed someone holding one. Later, when I was too old to be on the men's side, I remember watching my father and my brothers, and perhaps younger siblings, dancing for the Torah.

I was reminded too of the Simchas Torah the year that I was in seminary. Since Simchas Torah is a different day for chutznikim, our Simchas Torah was just chutznikim and very chutzniki. The women, behind a mechitzah of course, were dancing too. I remember feeling a little weird about it, but I got over it pretty quickly and got in on the action.

I wish I could say that I was left with all these positive feelings this yuntif. And maybe I should stop this post here. However, I guess what makes my writing appealing is my candor and thus relate-ability.

Daytime hakafos were pretty hard, I have to say. So many more kids. So many strollers parked haphazardly, no one caring that it was impossible to get by. So many couples younger than me with kids. Mothers with their kids who maybe stayed in shul for kol hanearim, but couldn't stop talking with their children during the entire krias hatorah and mussaf (and this is in a shul where there is usually no talking at all during davening/leining).

I don't think I have to explain why this was hard. Everything that I want to have but don't yet just sort of slapped me in the face. Even just celebrating Torah. It's not my mitzvah to learn. My connection to Torah is different. I want someone with whom I can share this joy in learning, in Torah, through/with. Yes, I know I can learn Torah (and I plan on it), but it isn't the same when I'm not a mutzveh v'oseh. I can't delight the same way in accomplishing during a good seder, a good sugya, whatever.

I just hope I remember to not put myself through that again. I don't think I can handle another Simchas Torah in this shul if I'm still single next year.

Hoshana Rabba: An Eis Ratzon...Repost

Hoshana Rabba is an auspicious time for tefillah. It's one of those times that it's said about that one should wake up early and spend as much time as possible engaged in tefillah.

It's different than a segulah. It's an actual time in which our tefillos are more readily accepted. So while perhaps drinking sheva brachos wine and saying Perek Shira for forty days didn't bring you your zivug, davening on Hashana Rabba is of totally different significance.

Read more about Hoshana Rabba and Eis Ratzon vs. Segulos here.

Living With Boundaries

Being a frum Jew is all about living with boundaries, living within the confines of halacha.

As an aside, I was talking to someone recently who told me that to a teenage boy it sometimes feels like Yiddishkeit is all about restrictions and confinement. It's sometimes hard to see how the 12 hour school day is fulfilling at all. I get that, and that's a whole different issue. (It's a topic for a chinuch blog perhaps...)

Even while what this person said is unfortunately often accurate, "Ein l'cha ben chorin elah me sheosek b'torah" holds so much truth. Without Shabbos and yuntif we would be even more enslaved to technology. It's super addictive as it is, is it not? Pesach and chometz. Music and Sefira/The Three Weeks. After Pesach chometz tastes so much better. After The Three Weeks I can listen to my same (only tens of good) Jewish songs and they aren't annoying to listen to anymore. Taharas hamishpacha keeps a marriage and a couple's relationship special (obviously among other benefits). There are so many examples within Judaism.

While the boundaries that we have that affect dating, specifically shidduch dating, sometimes feel counterintuitive, especially the ones that society has made up and aren't halacha, most of them exist for a purpose and are helpful in the long run. I don't think I want to discuss specific boundaries here, because everyone, depending on their circles, ascribes to different rules and regulations, and I won't pretend to understand them all. For that reason I don't want to nitpick and perhaps seem like I'm making fun of any.

I do want to say though, that in my own personal experience, I've seen the benefit of the lines that I haven't been so keen on toeing.

In one relationship with a guy that I dated quite some time ago, we talked and texted probably every day. In many yeshivish circles this is frowned upon. I don't really understand that, because to me it would make sense to spend as much time as possible trying to build a relationship and get to know someone that you will potentially be spending the rest of your life with. To make a long story short, he claimed that the fact that we talked so much clouded his judgement and had we only went on two or three dates a week and talked one other time separate from that, he would have realized sooner that he was purely infatuated but had too many marriage concerns... Whether or not this makes sense is a different discussion (and written about in many other blog posts probably), but it reflects the lesson of how sometimes boundaries seem annoying, but they're really for our benefit.