The "Click" Feeling (vs. "Love at First Sight")

Ah, the elusive "click."

What is this "click"? Can it be cultivated or must it be present from the beginning? Is it enough to build a relationship on? Do you need this feeling to tie the knot?

Awhile back I remember talking to someone about what they are seeking in a spouse/relationship. "Basically," they told me, "a good normal person, someone I 'click' with. That's it."

The romantic in me understands this (to a point), but the logical rational analytical side of me tells me that there is something beneath this"click" feeling. Especially when you're dating shidduch-style (and you must answer over and over again "what are you 'looking for'?") it may be important and helpful to figure out your "recipe."

Based upon my own relationships, friendships included, I can say there are definitely people I click with right away, and there are some that take a bit longer, but we can have just as meaningful and comfortable of a relationship. There are some people that I remember feeling like I wanted to be friends with right when I met them, while other friendships were brought about by shared experiences, perspectives, and circumstance.

The "click" feeling I'm referring to is not "love at first sight." Sorry to be a bubble-burster, but that does not exist in real life. That, folks, is what we call lust, often engendered by all the wrong reasons, and it falls apart.

Dutton and Aron's 1974 Love on a Suspension Bridge experiment  in which people were approached on a suspension bridge swaying 250 feet in the air, and they were given the phone number of the assistant that had approached them, showed that these people followed up with the assistants more than their counterpart who were approached on a solid wood bridge just 10 feet above a calm brook. These results were attributed to the fear arousal that the first group of people felt as they crossed the suspension bridge, the feeling that was misinterpreted as romantic excitement. This is a good example of "love at first sight," a false sense of excitement that can be attributed to various things, usually which have little to do with developing a healthy relationship.

To take this idea a bit further, recognize how fledgling love is selfish. Because real love, mature love, inherently comes from giving to the other person, love for someone when you first meet him/her is more of a "I love how you make me feel." This can be built upon, but it is in no ways the love that a good relationship thrives on.

While this "click" feeling is something that is often confused as "love at first sight," in reality it's a level of attraction that is based on various factors, and perhaps, ultimately, comes down to chemistry and maybe even pheromones. Therefore, as I understand it, it can only be analyzed to a point, but I'm going to give it a whirl.

The "click" appeal in a relationship has a lot to do with feelings of comfortability, similarity, mutual trust, and effortless communication. In other words, people feel like they "talk the same language," meaning s/he feels like the other just "gets" him/her. Contributing factors to this include shared backgrounds, experiences, and/or similar Weltanschauung.

Under duress of a well-meaning shadchan -- I was asked to explain why I didn't get along with/didn't like a particular guy I had gone out with a few times -- I set out to understand what didn't work between this guy and me and why. On paper things seemed perfect, but in person, despite that he was seeing rainbows and hearts, I was extremely bored and just didn't feel like we connected at all. After analyzing his personality, my personality, what we both think we need, and our interactions, I came to an understanding that he just didn't have a particular attribute that is essential for me in any meaningful relationship. Because of this, I believe, I just didn't like him. I couldn't connect with him. My dating experience has taught me that there are specific characteristics that work for me and some that just don't.

I think had I dated this guy sometime earlier on in my shidduch career, I probably would have gone out with him longer and given things more of a chance to blossom. Because I now have more insight into all this, because I understand my "recipe" a bit better, I have a more accurate idea of what has the potential to work and what does not. (That's not to say that I don't still give guys a chance even if we don't click right away. Hey, I might surprise myself; I'm always trying to stay positive and open here!)

I know that when I'm in a relationship (that's working for us), I feel a certain sense of safety and security, as well as there is no concept of time, meaning we can spend hours together and not get bored of each other. These aren't aspects per se that I look for in a relationship, but when they're there, this for me is part of our "click." Everyone's "click" feeling is something different. Essentially it's a feeling of mutual attraction, understanding, and ease in the relationship.

Not everyone has this "click" initially with their spouse. It can be developed as trust, understanding, and comfortability grow. Because a majority of these are based upon logical things like shared hashkafos, goals, values, communication, etc., there is often a natural progression, an easiness, if you will, that affects this.

I've found too that not everyone will have this contentedness or easiness in their relationship even after awhile, and their decision to marry their spouse will come from a more logical place. Things match up, they can check aspects off their list (more on lists a different time!), so to speak, and it just makes sense.

Please please keep in mind that sometimes the person you fall for/like right away can be for all the wrong reasons, and you must pay attention to the logical aspects of the relationships as well. "Click" is not love, it's an easiness and comfort. Even if it is "love," love does not conquer all! Passion fades and then you're left with the technicalities. If you don't have shared goals and values it doesn't matter how much you like your spouse. On the other hand, it's super important that you really like the person you marry, because things change, and when push comes to shove and you have to work conflicts out, you need to have a solid foundation to be building from.

"Click" is a chemistry that is often promoted by mutual understanding and shared outlook. It's an easiness that comes from understanding each other, and it can be present from the beginning of a relationship, or it can be nurtured. "Click" doesn't always exist, and alone it's probably not enough to seal the deal.