On our first date we had both grabbed bottled beverages. Like a gentleman on a first date, he paid for my drink as well as his own. Then, he snagged a straw for himself but failed to get one for me. Okay, no big deal, I'm capable of getting my own plastic-ware. Although, I would have gotten a straw for him had I been the one to get up first. On a later date, something spilled, when I mentioned it, he made some offhanded comment about "just having to deal with these things." Huh? I kind of meant, can you pass me some napkins that happened to be by your elbow?
Neither of these two instances are great cause for alarm, but they do mean something about him. Either he's sort of out to lunch, unaware of things and people around him, or he just doesn't see the need or value in taking care of someone or being chivalrous/considerate. He seemed to be a mentsch in so many other ways, that this left me scratching my head. I'm not saying that this a deal-breaker per se, but it speaks to who he is.
It's so important to pay attention to all the little things that happen on dates. A date, especially a beginning one, is the place where you are meant to put your best foot forward. If something happens on a date, it's likely to be a behavior, in an exacerbated kind of way, that will rear its head within a future relationship with said person. We're human, and we're not perfect, so these things don't mean "break up" with this person, but it does mean that these little cues are painting a picture of what type of behaviors or attitudes are his norm.
Dating, for me, has been a process of learning to trust my gut and instincts. If something feels off, feels wrong, it's not a smart idea to brush it off. Don't make excuses for people or rationalize hurtful things they say or do. If you have a feeling about something, pay attention to it.
Once, on a date, we were discussing winning the Powerball. He was saying that you can't win if you don't play, and I said that I don't have luck with lotteries, so my only chance of winning any money is if I marry him and he wins. I wasn't proposing to him, and I didn't mean anything by it, but he sort of freaked out and rejoined with, "If I win the Powerball, I'm not marrying you!"
I played it off; I even made excuses for him when I told the story over and got flak for not breaking up with him over that comment. In the end, it was a reflection of his true colors. We were dating for awhile and he said he was invested and saw a future together, but whenever I mentioned the words "marry" or "get engaged," he would change the subject. I should have realized then that he would break up with me out of nowhere the weekend before we were supposed to put a ring on things.
Likely, some flags aren't so pink, they're more vibrant, red flags, if you will, but we're blinded for whatever reason. Perhaps his personality is engaging, even though his middos leave much to be desired. Maybe it's his looks that are drawing you in, his reputation, or even it's an internal degree of desperation that is causing you to make bad judgements, because you really want to get married and share your life with someone.
I've had my fair share of neon signs crop up on dates telling me to stay away. Sometimes I've listened, and sometimes I've learned the hard way, working through a host of issues with the person before calling it quits when reaching a final impasse. Whether it was the guy who used hugely questionable, offensive even, language on a first date, or the fact that he creepily "warned" me within the first few minutes of meeting me that he once before dated someone he thought was similar to me in a specific aspect and had had a "mad crush" on her. Another glaring sign would be from the guy who, when I reached to adjust the temperature in his car, pushed my hand away. That wasn't even so much of a question of shomer negiya, but I wouldn't do that to a same-gender friend I had just met! Perhaps the one that takes the cake is the guy who when I questioned something I thought was stalker-ish that he'd said/did, he manipulated the conversation to make me seem like the crazy one, along with making fun of every opinion I had, and then proceeded to ask me out.
Talking to someone objective about your dating relationship and your interactions with someone is extremely prudent. It's not enough to share an overall sense of a relationship either; don't be afraid to get into all the nitty gritty, especially if there are things that are concerning you. Friends and family members can't always be objective, so seek out someone you respect who doesn't have otherwise vested interest in your life, a dating mentor of sorts. Remember though, only you can make the final decision, and only you will have to live with the consequences.
Sometimes guys are strange, but not weird.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the pink flags are actually white ones they're holding out (of peace), but we've been so battle scarred that our own wounds tint our lenses and cause that faint pink haze.
Seems to me that we (all of us warriors) shouldn't be afraid of the dates; it's ok to get hurt.
What if we soar?
Red/pink flags are never white flags. (I don't think that analogy works here. The white flag can be a different aspect of the interaction perhaps.) Yes, sometimes we can misinterpret things, but pink flags are always indicators of what to expect from said person in the future. Like I said, not necessarily a deal-breaker, but an expectation.
DeleteTrue, getting hurt seems to be a part of this process (keep reading older posts), but that doesn't mean be stupid and put yourself in a position to get hurt on purpose.
And yes, we do see things through the lens of our own life experiences. But that's the point, you have to learn from everything and not make the same mistakes twice.
So, so wrong.
ReplyDeleteAh well, 'tis safer this way, perhaps.
Fantastic writing, by the way. Keep up the great work.
Being vulnerable and being stupid are two separate things. To get what you want you often have to step outside your comfort zone. To protect yourself you have to learn from your mistakes.
DeleteAnd thanks.
Guess so...
ReplyDeleteHi, so true. I like the term "pink flags". Although I agree with the comment about our vision sometimes being blurred, I think it's very smart to tell someone about the little things, in order to get an objective perspective. Sometimes our desire to be married already is so strong that unless something is BRIGHT RED, we will brush it off. I went out with a guy who ended up being controlling and verbally abusive.. On the first Shabbos we ever spent together (after about a month of dating), his true colors came out. He had asked for some wine from our host family, and while we were out on a walk, he poured a cup for me, and told me to drink it. When I politely said thanks but that I prefer to sip wine slowly, he got upset and insisted I drink the whole thing at once. I politely said again "thanks but I'd rather not, I just feel like it goes to my head too fast if I drink it all at once" but he kept insisting and was very upset that I wasn't listening to him. Over the course of the Shabbos, he raised his voice at me a couple of times(!). I was really shocked at his controlling behavior. Looking back though, I realized that there had been some more subtle things, like when on a 5th date, he borrowed a street-performer's guitar and sang a very beautiful rendition of "Boi Kala" into the mike in front of a crowd. Many passerby/girls watching were "awww"-ing the whole time, but as soon as he finished singing, he turned to me and under his breath said "ok now give the guy 10 shekels". It was weird to me that he was telling me to give the owner of the guitar money when he was the one who had asked to use it. We were only on a fifth date, and he was acting like our finances were already together. Since he had said it so casually though, I brushed it off as me being too sensitive. Obviously when people are married its different-but we in no way had shared money. So yes, looking back I think it was inappropriate at best and controlling at worst. But I didn't want to jump to conclusions, misjudge a person, etc. So yes, I think it's really important to pay attention to these things, and to ask questions from someone who knows you, from someone who knows that person (obviously there can sometimes be misunderstandings or slight cultural differences that can impact the situation and how both parties view it). However it can also be a sign of a much bigger problem.
ReplyDeleteWow, sounds like you dodged a bullet! It's so scary when you think of how we date; some people may not have even had the opportunity to see that in action. It's so important to be discerning and not let things slide. Talk to someone, get hadracha...
DeleteI know, it scares me too when I think about how we date (in terms of length of dating, and not necessarily doing a thorough enough background check-and I don't mean asking about plastic tablecloths). I have a couple of very close friends who unfortunately went through similar things, but to an even more severe degree. The good news is, in every one of these cases, there were earlier instances of improper behavior. We just need to keep our eyes open, and speak to someone who can give us a fresh perspective.
ReplyDelete