Of the Flaws in Our Shidduch System: On Being Real

Does the shidduch system let us be real?

When you first meet your date, how much research have you done that you may know too much irrelevant information about him or her? Do you have a preconceived notion about him/her? How much work do you have to do to undo what you already know to actually get to know your date?

Can you genuinely work on making a connection with someone when there's so little leeway? How much can you really put yourself out there when s/he might just get back to the shadchan with a "no"? Where do we work on communication? I've known couples to not only break-up (after a long enough dating stint) through a shadchan, but to also get engaged through a third party as well! What are we creating here?

Is everything fair game, or will someone buck when s/he hears something a little too challenging or out of the box about you? We place so much value on getting "the perfect one" that we sometimes lose sight of how everyone is a package deal - strengths, weaknesses, pluses, minuses. It isn't so much how this person has something 'wrong', but is this characteristic right for me?

Does shidduch dating allow us to be genuine?

On Dating and Breaking Up

So many hopes and dreams. I really try not to get my hopes up, but this only lasts for so long. The 'I'm dating him because I want to cross his name off my list' lasts only so long. It's my nature. I connect with people. I want to know, really know, you. I start to care about you way too quickly.

I remember when you made a comment about being charming and I thought to myself that your charm doesn't hold a candle to the intense dysfunctional charm (that has ruined me) that I've experienced in the past. And yet, as time went on, I guess you did charm me.

We didn't date for so long, but our relationship got deep fast. Even though it was a lot shorter than other dating stints, I feel like in some ways I liked you the best.

And, so, it hurts. It hurts because I see so many positives in you. It hurts because I know we could never work out. It hurts because how many times do I have to do this? How many times will I connect with someone I would be much better off forgetting about??

I want to move on, meet the right one, put this all behind me. How long will it take? What else will I have to endure?

Hashem, I'm ready whenever You are. I've been ready for awhile. I thought it was hard before, but it keeps getting harder! I've had enough.