Full confession: I like connecting with people. I thrive on it. I'm good at it, and it feels good. Perhaps we all like connection, some of us to greater or lesser extents. Yet, I think this is what makes dating excruciating at times for me. It's easy for me to create a connection fairly early. I think focused shidduch dating is like that. Is that real connection though?
I was talking to someone recently about this and he said that shidduch dating isn't about this. I argued with him. "What do you mean? Are you not trying to build a relationship with this person, get to know him/her better?" "Nope," he rejoined. "Dating is not about building a relationship. That's what marriage is for. Dating is about scouting out whether this person has all the necessary ingredients to want to, to be able to, to do this with."
I shared this discussion with a friend. She argued too. She pointed out that so much of the time when we're dating we want someone we can call at the end of the day and just shoot the breeze. We want someone who will care about what's going on in our day-to-day, someone who will be in our corner, etc. Believe me, your partner should be the person who you can just have a good time with and who will care about your mundane happenings and stand up for you. Yet, this doesn't need to be your relationship with him/her while you're dating. Of course this dynamic will develop a bit as you get to know each other. (If it doesn't I'd be concerned.)
I'm just sharing what I've learned. (Feel free to let me know your thoughts.) Instead of focusing on giving the person the benefit of the doubt while getting emotionally involved, it'd be best to look at him/her with a discerning eye. Does s/he have all the "need"s on my list?
I think this can get sticky, because I know that I have made judgements about people early on but continued dating them, and later those concerns went away. However, I'm not yet married, so perhaps those concerns gave way to other concerns and that gut feeling meant something in whatever way it manifested itself.
Back to my point though, I like connecting and putting my heart on the line. I feel like opening myself up completely will yield big returns. I actually don't know how to do it any other way. I honestly think it's my personality. To me, that's being real. Go big or go home? (Okay, I don't do that with most people, but too many I guess.) It's not an all or nothing, just a people focus, a need to see and be seen.
How does emotionally disconnecting and/or trying to be less emotionally involved work? Does that path have heart...?
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