Come On and Ride the Train

I got on the train, left the city behind. I sat back in my seat a little apprehensive for the journey ahead. The first bit was surprisingly easy. I looked out the rear window just a bit, glancing back every now and then, gazing longingly at what I’d left behind. Soon, though, all that was too far away for me to see clearly. I started to enjoy the scenery outside my window.

Every now and then we passed through a rainstorm and I watched my world from behind a curtain of rivulets of water, which distorted my view. Overall it was sunny and the grass was green. I was busy thinking about what lay ahead, too busy to think about where I was coming from. Of course it was still in the back of my mind, trapped away in a little compartment.

And then the compartment came undone. I don’t know why; I don’t know how. I don’t know what it will take to seal it again. What I do know is that it’s clouding my trains of thought. I do know is that it was shortsighted to think that I was far enough from the city to not look back and see it. Trying to live my life forward...

Parshas Vayeira

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

What do the words "Atah yadaati ki yarei elokim ata (v'lo chashachta es bincha yechidecha memeni)" mean? Why only now, at the time of the Akeida, does Hashem know that Avraham Aveinu (A"A) is a G-d fearing individual?

A"A personified chesed; he was such a giving person that people may have thought that this was just his personality –– he pleased Hashem and did what He asked because he liked pleasing people. If this was the case then Avraham passing the ten nisyonos would have nothing to do with him being a G-d fearing person. 

Akeidas Yitzchak, an act of pure cruelty, went against everything A"A represented; it was the complete opposite of his midda of chesed. Therefore, now Hashem knew that A"A was acting out of pure fear of G-d and desire to serve Him and not just because of his nature.

This should give us pause. Why do we do mitzvos?

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayeira

Rainy Daze

Watching the rain cascade down the windowpane, the world a little darker, outlines a little blurrier.
Never knowing when the rain will stop, but knowing that it will.
Recognizing that everything needs rain in order to grow.
Reflecting on how the rain softens the earth, leaving it ripe for new growth.
Appreciating how rainy days provide an excuse to seek comfort from the storm.
Giving permission to the rain to wash away all that's unwanted.
Realizing it isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but making your own sunshine.

Some Tact Please

At another vort last night (B"H for simchos) of a friend and relative's younger sibling, we were having the conversation of how, in essence, common sense ain't so common.

Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)

I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.

So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."

We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.

Parshas Lech Lecha

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Hashem says to Avraham, "V'eeseh l'goy gadol, v'avarechicha v'agadlah shimecha v'haya bracha. V'avarcha mivarchecha..." –– "And I will make of you a great nation; I will bless you, and I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you..."

The Zera Shimshon asks what is the connection between "you will be a blessing" and "I will bless those who bless you;" what do they have to do with each other that they are juxtaposed here?

He explains that "you will be a blessing" and "I will bless those who bless you" are related in the sense that blessing has a rebound factor. Meaning, when one person receives goodness, the person who gave him that blessing will then have goodness too. It is similar to the idea we see in Bava Kamma (92a) regarding if someone is m'spallel for his friend, he will be answered first.

This concept is true too in the opposite sense. If a bracha does not come true for someone, the person who gives the bracha will not either be blessed (despite that he will be rewarded for his efforts to help his friend).

We hear about this idea so often. There are so many "Kol Hamispallel B'Ad Chaveiro" campaigns –– different people who need yeshuos davening for each other. It allows us to connect with other people. If we can really feel another's pain like we feel our own, really daven for someone to receive a yeshua because their pain feels personal to us, iy"H we will see yeshuos in our own lives.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Lech Lecha

Committment Phobia

Planning a Shabbaton, or more accurately a small weekend getaway with a handful of friends, made me realize how commitment-phobic people can be. I get it, life happens; things are going on, and people need to be able to flake. I know I don't like to schedule things for a few months out, because at this stage in the game I'm always secretly hoping that my life is going to be infinitely different in a few months, that there will be someone in my life who I will want to spend all my time with and change all my plans for.

Samuel Decker Thompson said it perfectly, "We are all just a car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a newfound love or broken heart away from becoming a completely different person."

Even so, the Shabbaton I'm working on isn't months out, it's a few days away. Something that everyone, myself included, can work on is realizing that plans can be changed in the event of an emergency or something grandly more important. Even if it costs a little extra money, emotional energy, whatever, not making decisions isn't always safety, you can lose out on so much. Not making a decision is making a decision too.

This is true in relationships, but this is also true with committing to most things. Relationships are probably the quintessential example though. It's about being resistant to change, to not being able to look ahead and make decisions for your future.

If you aren't familiar with Spencer Johnson's Who Moved My Cheese, a parable about how different personalities deal with change, here's a link to a summary video. It's worth the 3 minutes.

Sniff and Scurry find their way to the new cheese (whatever it is that is valuable and your goal in life), while Hem and Haw, well, hem and haw. Haw learns valuable lessons along the way, while we don't know what happens to Hem.

There's so much less on the line committing to, or backing out of, a Shabbaton, than what's at stake when we're talking relationships. Relationship anxiety a lot of the time is rooted in fear of emotional intimacy or stems from previous bad relationship experiences. Not being able to make choices in general can have many other causes. Sometimes it's really just a heavy duty case of FOMO (I'm not kidding). People may not commit to one thing, because they are always wondering what else they may be missing out on. Sometimes people have a hard time with decisions, because they're codependent and they're always trying to figure out what the other person wants and have convinced themselves that they don't have a preference. Sometimes it's much deeper rooted, and the person probably should speak to a professional who can help him/her get to the bottom of it.

With all that said, I'm going to toot my own horn for a moment and say that in the end we rounded up enough people to make the Shabbaton happen (financially worthwhile and all that) and worked out destination/location/property all in just a few days. I should get one of those tshirts that say, "I make things happen. What's your superpower?"

Seriously though, I think the more invested someone is in something, the more s/he can make decisions to make it happen. The less s/he cares about it (even if s/he's lying to himself that s/he really does care...actions not words), the less s/he will take a hard look at why s/he's having a hard time committing.

At A Younger Sibling's Simcha

Spending a good portion of the day at a good friend's younger sibling's vort really made me think about my own experiences like this (outlined in these posts). Really, I'm happy to be moral support, play bodyguard, or just be a welcome distraction.

At my own younger sibling's vort, I remember telling my friends they didn't need to come. When we talk about it now, they laugh at me for being macho and playing the "I got this" card, when it turned out to be not that fun. I don't think I was thinking "I got this" back then. Really, I just didn't want to be the older sorry single sibling who needed friends surrounding her at all times to make it through the night. I thought I would be okay, because it was a simcha of a sibling. I figured there would be enough family around to keep me occupied. I guess I didn't realize how it was going to play out and that there would be lots of (younger) people that I knew coming for the chosson and kallah and how that would feel.

While there will always be a fair share of people who don't think, I believe that people have gotten a lot better in the recent years. (Unless I, and my friends, have just gotten older and so people are more sensitive.) We're hearing less "Iy"H by you"s, less "You're next," less "We should share in simchos." We get it, you're trying to be nice, but it hurts.

I've mentioned the article we compiled to share some of these helpful tips, which no one wanted to publish. (Perhaps it really can be revamped to become publishable.) We were talking about it during the informal after-party with a neighbor who wanted to know how many hurtful comments my friend had gotten during the course of the vort. She came up with the idea that we should make a "What Not To Say At A Younger Relative's Simcha" youtube video. Interesting idea. Perhaps we'll start writing a script...

Being single is one challenge, having younger siblings and being single is another.