Healthy Relationships: Empaths and Codependents

I think we pay a lot of attention to what feels right, shared values, checking things off our "list," etc., while dating, but how often do we pay attention to the health of a relationship? (Perhaps I should first ask if the way we date actually even allows us to create relationships for us to pay attention to their patterns and health. That's a different topic altogether, but for the purpose of this post, I'm going to assume that we do have that opportunity. I guess if it isn't before engagement and marriage, the development of a real relationship happens after marriage.) People generally believe that once they finally find "The One," they can ride off into the sunset. Relationships take work, and they're not always smooth sailing from the get-go.

There are many different personality profiles that work (better or worse) together in a relationship, as well as many healthy and/or unhealthy relationship patterns, but here I'm going to focus on my personal experience and talk about empaths in relationships. I've written before about what I feel about being an empath...or rather having numerous characteristics of an empath.

With relation to empaths, there are various types of "energy vampires" that tend to suck vitality from anyone, but empaths in particular, which obviously is a setup for an unhealthy relationship. Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about the line between empaths and codependents, ie. what role does the empath play in this dysfunction? Let me back up a bit. I'll do my best to try to define these terms for you, so you know what we're talking about.

Dr. Judith Orloff, M.D., the author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People explains that the trademark of an empath is feeling and absorbing other people’s emotions because of his or her high sensitivities. Empaths filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. They're highly sensitive with big hearts, ie. givers, nurturers, and good listeners. They "pick up" on others' emotions, are highly intuitive, have highly tuned physical senses, feel others' pain (sometimes too much), and give a lot to others (sometimes to the extent that they deplete themselves).

Codependency at its best/worst looks pretty messy and dysfunctional. It involves people relying on their partner in unhealthy/unbalanced relationships to gain personal esteem or even their identity. It can be classified similar to how an addiction might be. Someone feels good about himself or herself or maintains his or her identity only through the relationship. However, at its most basic, it looks more like what I once heard someone suggest codependency is –– someone caring about someone else's problems more than the sufferer himself does. Another way I heard it defined was that someone might feel responsible to "fix,""save," or take care of someone, often not realizing that this is taking a toll on himself or herself, and that s/he is putting the other person's needs before his or her own. Often this plays out as the person not recognizing that he's sacrificing his own wants/needs for another and simply thinking that he has no preference (ie. "wants" or "needs"). 

Here's a link to patterns and characteristics of a codependent if you'd like to read more about it.

Follow this (another link) to read a great poem someone recently sent me about codependent relationships. It speaks to how often relationships can become enmeshed, how one's identity begins to depend on the other person's feelings and his sense of self becomes defined by the ups and downs of the relationship. 

Back to our main discussion, I relate to a lot of the typical characteristics of empaths and also to a few characteristics of codependents (and to me I feel like there's a big overlap). As I've been reading, it's easy for empaths to fall into codependent patterns if they are not vigilant about it. It's a lot about being aware of one's own needs and setting good boundaries. It takes two to tango, and both sides need to be aware of their behaviors and attitudes. One person should never have to be responsible for, or carry the entire burden of, a relationship.

It would probably be easy for me to fall into caretaker mode or give into what the other person wants in a relationship (to an unhealthy degree), and so I know I need to be on top of setting good boundaries. In a similar way, I need to do my best to be careful to not get into a relationship with someone who would take advantage of this fact, because despite how good my boundaries might be, it's easy for me to slip into that "giving/saving" role. In the same vein, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of a codependent's care-taking, because I believe it's important for there to be two autonomous people in a relationship. Two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a complete union.

This article tackles topics like love addiction, empaths, codependency, healing, and healthy relationships. If you don't want to read all of it, I suggest skipping to about midway through and reading "Empathic Codependency" and "Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship."

With all this talk about codependency, it is important for me to mention that we do need others. Having someone to support you and you him/her, having someone you can rely on and vice versa, caring for someone/someone caring for you, being sensitive to someone else's needs, etc., is a big part of relationships. In July, I blogged about recognizing your needs and how important it is that you identify what they are and can be sure that your partner is able and willing to fulfill them. Independent but connected. Fully responsible for your own life but being committed to and close to those you love (a self-differentiated adult).

There is a fine line between "saving" and "supporting," "being responsible for" and "being sensitive to." One's happiness or sense of self should never be dependent on his relationship or how much he can help/save/fix others. To understand your own strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship, I would recommend reading about and identifying your attachment style.

Overall, I think most important is the willingness to work on oneself and how you relate to someone in a relationship, as every relationship can be different and bring out different patterns for each person. You never want to lose yourself, or trample someone else's sense of self, in your relationship.