On My Quest For Connection

You know what they say, it’s a two-way relationship; you feel disconnected, who moved?

I was feeling pretty disconnected before Rosh Hashana, disconnected and very discouraged. During Rosh Hashana, the aseres y'mei teshuva, and Yom Kippur, I managed to get a handle on why. I simply wasn't letting G-d into my life enough. Yes, I davened twice every day, but how much of it did I really think about what I was saying? My life became more about staying afloat at work and such. It was more about getting through the day-to-day. It's a little embarrassing to admit that I just didn't care enough about my relationship with Hashem to pursue it as I should have. I was frustrated that He wasn't giving me what I want/ed and think I need, so I think I subconsciously decided to stop trying to make the effort to do what He wanted.

Over and over we hear about how the Yamei HaDin are not for Hashem's sake, but for ours. But really, am I not happier to just do what I want and serve Hashem how I want without having to constantly having to be careful not to do something that I'll have to klop "al cheit" for on Yom Kippur? So it sounds cute, Hashem cares about you so He's taking stock, inspecting what you've done this year...

I didn't always think it was the best explanation. I thought it sounded nice, but it didn't resonate with me. Until it did. This year I really feel like it's true. I was pretty lost. I mean, I wasn't doing anything really bad; I think I just lost focus. Things that should have mattered, didn't. If I wasn't forced to stop and take a hard look at myself, I don't think I would have.

This Aseres Y'mei Teshuva forced me to do just that. And, I figured out how to begin having the relationship that I once had, that I want. It's hard work; I'll admit. Much of it is also not letting the big black things get in the way. It's easy to let those things that are just too hard to not do (at this point) get in the way of all the things you can do with a little effort. It's about working offense and defense. I'm working on my davening, began to learn a really good sefer about connecting to G-d, and I'm also reclaiming control from my yetzer hara -- one lo saseh at a time.

I realized that I can't just do whatever I want and complain that I don't feel like Judaism speaks to me. The more one puts in, the more s/he gets out. Yes, I still feel like having my own family would help part of that issue...as I still maintain that Yiddishkeit is largely about family life. However, there is so much I can do individually -- just me and HK"BH.

At the end of Yom Kippur yesterday at "Hashem Hu Ha Elokim," when with each articulation the Shechinah goes further up to shamyim and leaves our midst, I cried because I didn't want Hashem to leave. It was the same feeling I had the last time I left Israel, my last trip to the kosel. I wept because I didn't want to leave that feeling of closeness I had to Hashem. I begged G-d to stay with me as I went back to Chutz LaEretz, and in this case, as the shaarei shamyim were closing and He was ascending back to Heaven.

But, after Yom Kippur comes Sukkos: the holiday of joy. Hashem stays with us for another week! If only I could bask in His Presence the whole time and stay on that level to feel so connected. There are just so many distractions. I wish I worked at a Jewish place, then I wouldn't have work and my jumbled schedule as a constant worry. I wish other things were different and didn't get in the way of the simcha of the chag. I wish I was able to really focus on purely spiritual things (and only the yom tov-dik physical ones). It's just so hard! It's difficult to find the balance between that world and this one. Hmmm, relationships take work...

Uphill Battling

Why is my ratzon stronger than Hashem's ratzon to me? I'm only human, I know, but then it's only a human whim that I'm fighting. I want to not give into this desire, at least during the aseres y'mei teshuva, but I'm finding that it's almost too difficult for me. I held out for a day and a half, and now I feel like I must give in. I don't even feel like my yetzer hara is playing fair. I don't have a fighting chance.

Perhaps breaking my will is much like exercising. In the beginning, a new workout strains one's muscles, and he has every aching cell yelling for a truce. However, as he continues to workout, the charley horse lessens and then disappears; the workout soon becomes almost easy. He begins to enjoy it. The key, though, is to start out slow and gradually build.

I feel as if my yetzer hara is telling me that I need to take baby steps here just so that it can make me slip up. Don't I have the self-control to just not give in at all?