I’m just really not ready for Rosh Hashana this year. I mean, when are we really ever ready? But this year, I’m dreading it. I think it’s because this year I’ve just let so much slip. It’s been really hard. I let go of some things that were important to me. The worst part is that when I think about it, they’re just no longer important. I have no inkling in changing any of it back right now. I don’t know if I just don’t have the oomph to put in the work, or what. I’ve let myself become numb. I sort of allowed myself to be convinced that I’m okay with the way I am. My stringency in Halacha has slackened. My boundaries in terms of the media I read, watch, and listen to have slipped. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, per se, I’m just not as focused, close to G-d as I was before.
My way of dealing with life’s challenges has just been to back away a little and numb myself to the pain. I know that part of this is the feeling of not belonging. Yiddishkeit is so much about family life. Without my own family, but with a burning desire to find my husband and start my own family, it’s just been…difficult. Despite vaguely realizing that what I do now becomes who I am and who I will be when I eventually have the responsibility of looking out for a husband’s and family’s ruchniyus, I just can’t bring myself to make those changes or sacrifices. I’ve been exposed to and exposed myself to things that have made it hard for me to keep my focus. There’s so much more to life than what I knew when I was able to keep my priorities straight. Now I just feel like I’m surviving rather than thriving.
I’ve accomplished a lot academically, I know, but now my life has become this grind of slogging through each day at a job where I hate my boss and my supervisor and wish I was somewhere else. It's a lot easier when you're looking toward a goal; once the milestone's been attained, it's harder to feel like you're going somewhere. It’s hard to focus on personal growth when you’re just trying to survive one day at a time. I’ve worked on myself as a person, so maybe I’m being too harsh on myself, but really, I feel like my Yiddishkeit has slipped.
It’s hard to face Hashem and go through the motions of being mamlech Him as melech, when despite knowing deep down that He has plan for me, I’m just finding it hard to reconcile what my life has become. I’m talking about the parts that I have no control over. How many times have I davened for Hashem to give me what I need so I can serve Him? How many times have I felt that He just doesn’t hear me? I think I’ve taken to not caring anymore. I’m still passionate about my values; I still care about mitzvos and halacha and stuff, but there’s this little part of me that just thinks that maybe it doesn’t all matter as much as I always thought it did. It scares me to say it, because I think that somewhere in the recesses of my heart/mind I know that it’s not true and it’s this warped coping mechanism I’ve developed. This is what the pain has done to me.
And now I’m facing Rosh Hashana. There’s so much going on, it’s partially still the summer, my work schedule is a mess, and I’m having a hard time concentrating on the fact that it’s going to be Rosh Hashana. Unprepared doesn’t even begin to describe it. No matter how much time or mental energy I had, I wouldn’t be able to prepare. It’s because, like I said, I just don’t care anymore. I’m sure I’ll go to shul on Yom Tov and daven fervently, but then I’ll be bored the rest of the day and end up sleeping or reading to while away the time.
I really just don’t know what to do with what my life has become. Is there some way to fix it? I know what I’m lacking, but I’m pretty powerless to claim it. It’s all in the hands of G-d, who for some reason unbeknownst to me doesn’t think I need it as much as I do. Every tefilla now is the same. How come I’m just not worthy? What am I missing? What does Hashem want from me? What am I supposed to do this Rosh Hashana when I feel like it’s all become a show? When have I started feeling so disconnected?
I know Hashem loves me, as I Him, but can’t begin to understand the world He put me into, the challenges He has given me. Does the fact that I’m still me somewhat mean that I’ve triumphed, or should I have done things differently? Life is so confusing. I think I’ve done the best I can with what I’ve been given, but there’s this nagging voice in my head that tells me that I’m being too soft on myself, negligent. I know I’m stronger in some ways, but in others, I’ve really just thrown in the towel. What is this voice? Is it the yetzer hara trying to make me feel dejected and down on myself? Or perhaps it’s my conscience telling me I need to shape up? Do I even care enough anymore?
I once heard from a reputable source that if you listen attentively enough, if you let yourself be honest with yourself, then you will know if something is you or yetzer hara. I honestly don’t know here. It seems like it can be both. Perhaps it’s the yetzer hara saying it’s the yetzer hara so I won’t make any changes. I don’t know, it’s my coping mechanisms that are probably the worst, make me feel numb to it all. But then if I give those up, how will I cope? Arggh, how is that I can help countless others to get over whatever it is that’s bothering them and to reach their potential, but I can’t help myself?
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