Why is my ratzon stronger than Hashem's ratzon to me? I'm only human, I know, but then it's only a human whim that I'm fighting. I want to not give into this desire, at least during the aseres y'mei teshuva, but I'm finding that it's almost too difficult for me. I held out for a day and a half, and now I feel like I must give in. I don't even feel like my yetzer hara is playing fair. I don't have a fighting chance.
Perhaps breaking my will is much like exercising. In the beginning, a new workout strains one's muscles, and he has every aching cell yelling for a truce. However, as he continues to workout, the charley horse lessens and then disappears; the workout soon becomes almost easy. He begins to enjoy it. The key, though, is to start out slow and gradually build.
I feel as if my yetzer hara is telling me that I need to take baby steps here just so that it can make me slip up. Don't I have the self-control to just not give in at all?
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