Broken Dreams

What is wrong with me?!

I thought it was a positive thing to be optimistic, but maybe if I let myself hope less and bank on things less to be my bail-out, I'd be less disappointed and/or down when they don't pan out. Seriously, life is full of broken dreams and closed doors; I know it shouldn't let it get me down, but it hurts.

Can't anything go my way? Can't I catch a break sometimes? What is it that G-d is trying to teach me about disappointments? I get it, okay? Things don't always go my way. They actually usually never do. When was the last time something went the way I'd hoped it would? Anything that mattered that hasn't been in my immediate control just hasn't ended positively since...maybe I got accepted to grad school?

Perhaps I'm exaggerating or overreacting, splitting, only remembering the bad and not the good, but haven't I had enough defeats for awhile? Why do I feel like my life is at a standstill, that I'm stuck in a rut? When things get tough, the tough get going, right? So, where do I go? Explore other interests, make the best of a hellish situation? I've tried, over and over. This time though, this time, I'm done.

I can't anymore. I really haven't actually been faking that I'm cool with it all. I've been clear to anyone who asked that I'm not. I'm optimistic, positive, and upbeat about it usually though, because who wants to associate with a whining shrew? It really doesn't help to complain. Here's the thing though, I genuinely don't think that my expectations are overly demanding. I've certainly done much with what I can manipulate, but when it comes to things that I can't, there's just not that much I can do. Why can't G-d take the reigns and steer the horse toward the win? What does He want from me already??

What do I lack that He doesn't see to giving me what I think I need? I'm not asking for things that are major and outrageous here! They're basic. He's the one that made me require these things to go on in life. Am I being a blind-sighted faultfinder who thinks she knows better than G-d? I don't think I know better; I know it's ultimately for my best, but right now, I don't think I can go on like this.