Shavuos - Making it Personal

I remember last year having a bit of a hard time with Shavuos. I'm not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to listen to and/or read over shuirim given by my seminary teachers talking about the zechus of supporting Torah, etc. etc. 

We paint this idealistic picture of life and its projection, but it doesn't always turn out like that. Not every girl comes home from sem, meets her bashert right away, and penny pinches to support her family in kollel. Where does that plan leave the rest of us?

I think it's hard for me too, because at one point I really wanted to be that woman, supporting a husband sitting and toiling in learning all day, but somehow right now I don't see myself doing that. Because Shavuos is all about learning, it rubs this in my face.

I think it behooves us to remember that this yuntif's essence is about our connection with Hashem, our own personal kabalas hatorah. It is really a misconception that it's all about learning, that would make it an exclusively a male yom tov (excluding anybody that isn't a mitzuveh v'oseh). It isn't necessarily about learning Torah as it is about accepting Hashem and His commandments. Learning is one way to express this connection and acceptance. The central theme is "naaseh v'nishama." It is about realizing that everything in the Torah is for your best, and everything in your life is meant for your good in some way. Shavuos is about accepting your unique mission in this world and doing your best to live by the Torah as your blueprints. What does Hashem want from you right now? Na'aseh v'nishma... Maybe we need to do more and then we can "listen," listen to all our own rationalizing and things that hold us back from doing Hashem's will...

And Life Goes On

This was written by a friend. I think she hit so many real sentiments I had to post it.

When you settle into married life
While I'm still looking for the one man who will call me his wife

When you hear you're expecting you're thrilled to finally almost have it all
While I'm still waiting for a reference to return my call

When you give birth, a family at last,your heart is filled with joy and song
While I'm hopeful this boy will be the one that will make me belong

When your life becomes busier than ever and your baby keeps you up late
All while I'm still waiting to hear back from the shadchan after another first date

When you rejoice that he has finally learned to crawl
While for me it didn't work out and I don't have the tears left to bawl

When the years fly by you can't believe it's time for his first day of school, it can't be so
While I'm still back, or so it sometimes seems, where I started more than a decade ago

When he gets up and leins at his bar mitzva, you cry, your big boy, an adult, you can't believe it's your son
While I'm trying so hard not to give up and say that I'm done

When everyone wishes you mazel tov your heart swells with the nachas you are reaping that you know can't be fulfilled any other way
While I wait and wait and just continue to pray