I remember last year having a bit of a hard time with Shavuos. I'm not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to listen to and/or read over shuirim given by my seminary teachers talking about the zechus of supporting Torah, etc. etc.
We paint this idealistic picture of life and its projection, but it doesn't always turn out like that. Not every girl comes home from sem, meets her bashert right away, and penny pinches to support her family in kollel. Where does that plan leave the rest of us?
I think it's hard for me too, because at one point I really wanted to be that woman, supporting a husband sitting and toiling in learning all day, but somehow right now I don't see myself doing that. Because Shavuos is all about learning, it rubs this in my face.
I think it behooves us to remember that this yuntif's essence is about our connection with Hashem, our own personal kabalas hatorah. It is really a misconception that it's all about learning, that would make it an exclusively a male yom tov (excluding anybody that isn't a mitzuveh v'oseh). It isn't necessarily about learning Torah as it is about accepting Hashem and His commandments. Learning is one way to express this connection and acceptance. The central theme is "naaseh v'nishama." It is about realizing that everything in the Torah is for your best, and everything in your life is meant for your good in some way. Shavuos is about accepting your unique mission in this world and doing your best to live by the Torah as your blueprints. What does Hashem want from you right now? Na'aseh v'nishma... Maybe we need to do more and then we can "listen," listen to all our own rationalizing and things that hold us back from doing Hashem's will...
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