Dancing Round and Round in Circles

Simchas Torah this year was quite the experience.

I'm always struck by how beautiful it is that we're dancing like this for the Torah. The actual tefillos of the hakafos, the lyrics to the tunes we sing, the niggunim, the energy...it's pretty inspiring.

The only thing I can compare it to is a Hachnsas Sefer Torah in Eretz Yisroel where streets are blocked off and there are throngs of people and tons of music and candy. The kavod we give to Torah. The excitement we have for Torah. We forget it when it's not in our faces.

This year, as I was surveying the lebidig scence, it transported me back (as it usually does) to a time when I was child, probably two or three, sitting on my dad's shoulders as he danced round and round on Simchas Torah, pausing to kiss the sifrei torah as we passed someone holding one. Later, when I was too old to be on the men's side, I remember watching my father and my brothers, and perhaps younger siblings, dancing for the Torah.

I was reminded too of the Simchas Torah the year that I was in seminary. Since Simchas Torah is a different day for chutznikim, our Simchas Torah was just chutznikim and very chutzniki. The women, behind a mechitzah of course, were dancing too. I remember feeling a little weird about it, but I got over it pretty quickly and got in on the action.

I wish I could say that I was left with all these positive feelings this yuntif. And maybe I should stop this post here. However, I guess what makes my writing appealing is my candor and thus relate-ability.

Daytime hakafos were pretty hard, I have to say. So many more kids. So many strollers parked haphazardly, no one caring that it was impossible to get by. So many couples younger than me with kids. Mothers with their kids who maybe stayed in shul for kol hanearim, but couldn't stop talking with their children during the entire krias hatorah and mussaf (and this is in a shul where there is usually no talking at all during davening/leining).

I don't think I have to explain why this was hard. Everything that I want to have but don't yet just sort of slapped me in the face. Even just celebrating Torah. It's not my mitzvah to learn. My connection to Torah is different. I want someone with whom I can share this joy in learning, in Torah, through/with. Yes, I know I can learn Torah (and I plan on it), but it isn't the same when I'm not a mutzveh v'oseh. I can't delight the same way in accomplishing during a good seder, a good sugya, whatever.

I just hope I remember to not put myself through that again. I don't think I can handle another Simchas Torah in this shul if I'm still single next year.

Hoshana Rabba: An Eis Ratzon...Repost

Hoshana Rabba is an auspicious time for tefillah. It's one of those times that it's said about that one should wake up early and spend as much time as possible engaged in tefillah.

It's different than a segulah. It's an actual time in which our tefillos are more readily accepted. So while perhaps drinking sheva brachos wine and saying Perek Shira for forty days didn't bring you your zivug, davening on Hashana Rabba is of totally different significance.

Read more about Hoshana Rabba and Eis Ratzon vs. Segulos here.

Living With Boundaries

Being a frum Jew is all about living with boundaries, living within the confines of halacha.

As an aside, I was talking to someone recently who told me that to a teenage boy it sometimes feels like Yiddishkeit is all about restrictions and confinement. It's sometimes hard to see how the 12 hour school day is fulfilling at all. I get that, and that's a whole different issue. (It's a topic for a chinuch blog perhaps...)

Even while what this person said is unfortunately often accurate, "Ein l'cha ben chorin elah me sheosek b'torah" holds so much truth. Without Shabbos and yuntif we would be even more enslaved to technology. It's super addictive as it is, is it not? Pesach and chometz. Music and Sefira/The Three Weeks. After Pesach chometz tastes so much better. After The Three Weeks I can listen to my same (only tens of good) Jewish songs and they aren't annoying to listen to anymore. Taharas hamishpacha keeps a marriage and a couple's relationship special (obviously among other benefits). There are so many examples within Judaism.

While the boundaries that we have that affect dating, specifically shidduch dating, sometimes feel counterintuitive, especially the ones that society has made up and aren't halacha, most of them exist for a purpose and are helpful in the long run. I don't think I want to discuss specific boundaries here, because everyone, depending on their circles, ascribes to different rules and regulations, and I won't pretend to understand them all. For that reason I don't want to nitpick and perhaps seem like I'm making fun of any.

I do want to say though, that in my own personal experience, I've seen the benefit of the lines that I haven't been so keen on toeing.

In one relationship with a guy that I dated quite some time ago, we talked and texted probably every day. In many yeshivish circles this is frowned upon. I don't really understand that, because to me it would make sense to spend as much time as possible trying to build a relationship and get to know someone that you will potentially be spending the rest of your life with. To make a long story short, he claimed that the fact that we talked so much clouded his judgement and had we only went on two or three dates a week and talked one other time separate from that, he would have realized sooner that he was purely infatuated but had too many marriage concerns... Whether or not this makes sense is a different discussion (and written about in many other blog posts probably), but it reflects the lesson of how sometimes boundaries seem annoying, but they're really for our benefit.

Is There "Happily Ever After"?

Enjoying an afternoon with extended family –– a rare occurrence since chol hamoed usually falls out on workdays –– everything was going fairly well until 7 year old of married cousin a few years older than me speaks up. The context was a conversation I was having with a random cousin home for yuntif during his third (ish?) year learning in Israel. He was saying I should come visit and hang out since he's not learning during second seder anyway this coming winter zman, as he's studying for his LSATs. I'm not exactly sure how the comment fit in at all, but said 7 year old looked at me with all the seriousness of being 7 years old and having all the answers.

"Why don't you just get married?"

I looked at her, curious, trying to figure out where she was going with that question.

"Because then you'll live happily ever after..."

I think she was trying to say that I won't have to deal with her uncle or take trips or who knows what.

Coming from a 7 year old, the comment didn't really bother me, but it got me thinking. What are we teaching our young children? Why do 7 year olds have concepts of such things? Do we, as a society, perpetuate this?

It's a lot to think about. It's about 7 year olds talking about dating/marriage, but it's also how as if it's the ultimate solution to every problem.

I love this quote from Samara O'Shea, which I talked about here.

While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."

In the way of just a small example, does being married make in-law yuntif drama less? If anything it adds a whole other dimension. There are challenges in every aspect of life. Although, having someone in your corner who will hopefully take your side and support you in these great discussions and disagreements that can get super emotional and personal when there's lots of family, friends, and other guests that don't necessarily see eye-to-eye, decidedly makes things a little more comfortable.

Joy = Connection Repost

Relationships are work, but connection is joy.

The Yaamim Noraim and Zman Simchaseinu teach us this.

Read about it more here.

Chag sameach!

A Single's Rant: Can We Change The System –– Guest Post

People have mentioned that they think it is extremely sad, even tragic that many girls have to wait so long to find their husbands. Girls who have always made good choices in challenging situations, girls who have such beautifully developed middos, girls who were always cut out to be wives and mothers...they wait and wait for sometimes many years with no end in sight.

But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.

So obviously we are not good enough as is.

Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.

It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.

I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.

The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.

I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.

If You Want Something, Ask

Looking back, we probably should have taken a break when he went on vacation for two weeks while we were at an awkward stage in our relationship. Instead, we ended up doing a lot of texting and the occasional call or video call when he had some spare time. That ended in disaster. We had some major misunderstandings, and we ended up arguing. I guess what it really boiled down to was the expectations we had, unshared, unvoiced, but expected all the same.

One fine day while he was on vacation and he knew I was traveling (driving with passengers, so not much ability there for communication), he later told me that he was so mad that I hadn't texted him all day. He was playing a game of chicken, waiting for me to reach out, not going to be the one to initiate contact "all the time."

Honestly, I didn't feel like we needed to talk/text every single day, and he was on vacation, I truthfully didn't want to bother him. I was also busy. If I had something I wanted specifically to share with him, I would, and did, but that particular day I did not. I figured he would touch base if he wanted to, and if not, we would check in later that day probably before we went to sleep just to say hey. If not, we would talk/text the next day.

Later that evening I sent him a picture of something I was working on for him. (I shouldn't have been...the things we do for the people we think we have obligations to. But that's a different discussion entirely.) He later told me that he took that as an olive branch. I hadn't reached out to him all day, so this was my way of apologizing. He was still really mad at me for not talking to him.

"I know you were traveling and busy today, but you were "online" on WhatsApp..."

Are you kidding me? Just send me a message if you wanted to talk!

Why complicate life?

Missing somebody?…Call

Wanna meet up?…Invite

Wanna be understood?…Explain

Have questions?…Ask

Don’t like something?…Say it

Like something?…State it

Want something?…Ask for it

Love someone?…Tell it

We just have one life, keep it simple.

Guys and girls alike: people aren't mind readers. He probably won't pick up on your subtleties. If something is wrong, you need to say so. "Fine," doesn't mean "I'm not okay. Please probe." You can't expect her to know that you want her to do something unless you tell her. Communication is key even if you think the other person knows, or should know, what to do or what you want. If you want something, ask. What do you lose?