Dancing Round and Round in Circles

Simchas Torah this year was quite the experience.

I'm always struck by how beautiful it is that we're dancing like this for the Torah. The actual tefillos of the hakafos, the lyrics to the tunes we sing, the niggunim, the energy...it's pretty inspiring.

The only thing I can compare it to is a Hachnsas Sefer Torah in Eretz Yisroel where streets are blocked off and there are throngs of people and tons of music and candy. The kavod we give to Torah. The excitement we have for Torah. We forget it when it's not in our faces.

This year, as I was surveying the lebidig scence, it transported me back (as it usually does) to a time when I was child, probably two or three, sitting on my dad's shoulders as he danced round and round on Simchas Torah, pausing to kiss the sifrei torah as we passed someone holding one. Later, when I was too old to be on the men's side, I remember watching my father and my brothers, and perhaps younger siblings, dancing for the Torah.

I was reminded too of the Simchas Torah the year that I was in seminary. Since Simchas Torah is a different day for chutznikim, our Simchas Torah was just chutznikim and very chutzniki. The women, behind a mechitzah of course, were dancing too. I remember feeling a little weird about it, but I got over it pretty quickly and got in on the action.

I wish I could say that I was left with all these positive feelings this yuntif. And maybe I should stop this post here. However, I guess what makes my writing appealing is my candor and thus relate-ability.

Daytime hakafos were pretty hard, I have to say. So many more kids. So many strollers parked haphazardly, no one caring that it was impossible to get by. So many couples younger than me with kids. Mothers with their kids who maybe stayed in shul for kol hanearim, but couldn't stop talking with their children during the entire krias hatorah and mussaf (and this is in a shul where there is usually no talking at all during davening/leining).

I don't think I have to explain why this was hard. Everything that I want to have but don't yet just sort of slapped me in the face. Even just celebrating Torah. It's not my mitzvah to learn. My connection to Torah is different. I want someone with whom I can share this joy in learning, in Torah, through/with. Yes, I know I can learn Torah (and I plan on it), but it isn't the same when I'm not a mutzveh v'oseh. I can't delight the same way in accomplishing during a good seder, a good sugya, whatever.

I just hope I remember to not put myself through that again. I don't think I can handle another Simchas Torah in this shul if I'm still single next year.