Roll With The Punches

It's so easy to rant about all the things that go wrong, complain about negatives, but it's important to also be cognizant of the things that go in our favor.

Things have been a bit tough for me lately, but I think because I was counting the things as they went wrong, I stopped to realize the things that went right. It's tremendous when you're able to count your blessings, however small they may be. When there is so much potential for things to go badly, whenever they don't, it's a positive.

When I talk about things going wrong, I'm refering to the small everyday kind of stuff. This can work for big things too, but they're in a different category. I had a run-in with a superior at work. I didn't get the job I interviewed for and thought I had a fighting shot at. I had a really bad date. Only two of my clients showed up one day at work. A car backed into me and damaged my scratchless new car. I could continue all the things I wish would have been different, but I don't need to spell it all out to get my point across.

This shift of recognizing the small positives things, like I didn't have traffic on the way to work, I didn't have to go to jury duty because my number wasn't called, I got a 'yes' from a potential new date, etc., helps me look at things differently.

Yes, there is a lot that I wish happened differently. Yet, life has it's ups and downs; that's just how things are. We cope through the bad and rejoice in the good. Don't you wish you could bottle that good feeling though for when you feel beat? One tall Euphoria to go please!

Broken Dreams

What is wrong with me?!

I thought it was a positive thing to be optimistic, but maybe if I let myself hope less and bank on things less to be my bail-out, I'd be less disappointed and/or down when they don't pan out. Seriously, life is full of broken dreams and closed doors; I know it shouldn't let it get me down, but it hurts.

Can't anything go my way? Can't I catch a break sometimes? What is it that G-d is trying to teach me about disappointments? I get it, okay? Things don't always go my way. They actually usually never do. When was the last time something went the way I'd hoped it would? Anything that mattered that hasn't been in my immediate control just hasn't ended positively since...maybe I got accepted to grad school?

Perhaps I'm exaggerating or overreacting, splitting, only remembering the bad and not the good, but haven't I had enough defeats for awhile? Why do I feel like my life is at a standstill, that I'm stuck in a rut? When things get tough, the tough get going, right? So, where do I go? Explore other interests, make the best of a hellish situation? I've tried, over and over. This time though, this time, I'm done.

I can't anymore. I really haven't actually been faking that I'm cool with it all. I've been clear to anyone who asked that I'm not. I'm optimistic, positive, and upbeat about it usually though, because who wants to associate with a whining shrew? It really doesn't help to complain. Here's the thing though, I genuinely don't think that my expectations are overly demanding. I've certainly done much with what I can manipulate, but when it comes to things that I can't, there's just not that much I can do. Why can't G-d take the reigns and steer the horse toward the win? What does He want from me already??

What do I lack that He doesn't see to giving me what I think I need? I'm not asking for things that are major and outrageous here! They're basic. He's the one that made me require these things to go on in life. Am I being a blind-sighted faultfinder who thinks she knows better than G-d? I don't think I know better; I know it's ultimately for my best, but right now, I don't think I can go on like this.

Of Bad Blind Dates

Oh, how I hate the shidduch system. I don't know why I would ever want to date someone I've never met before, regardless of how many people say nice things about him. The more positive things I hear, the more I anticipate a good date. And, the build-up to that date that ends up being a bomb... Wow, it's painful.

A simple "yes" holds so much potential. After waiting too long for a date, it just made me think that perhaps this could be "the one." Maybe it's finally my time. So much preparation, mental, physical, and emotional, goes into the date. It holds hope for me. I makes me fantasize of finally being happy, dating a normal guy that I can respect and adore, perhaps even him proposing after awhile. Finally, finally, it'd be my turn to join the exclusive club of "the engaged/marrieds," flaunting a diamond and a cute guy who's devoted to me, no longer having to take the callous looks of pity, the "You're next"s, "I'm waiting"s, etc. I'd finally be able to move on with my life, finally feel like I have reached my purpose as a Jewish woman.

Not only were my hopes cruelly dashed, but he was so off, that it made me feel like there's something wrong with me. Granted, the person who suggested the idea apparently doesn't know me very well, but really! What about all the great things people said about him?! Could it be that we just didn't click, 'cuz I thought he was straight-up brainwashed and...weird. He seemed to have no idea about the real world, and talked out of two sides of his mouth. Yet, he was adamant about what he said and couldn't have a normal conversation.

I'm a fairly outgoing and loquacious person and I manage to make most people feel comfortable, so it wasn't as awkward as it could have been, but just thinking about things he said and did makes me cringe.

The whole experience makes me wonder if I'll ever meet the right one. Will I ever get married? When will it be my chance at happiness? Am I supposed to compromise on something? I'm not overly picky or ridiculous. I'm not shallow or persnickety. What am I doing wrong? What is there left for me to do here? What does G-d want from me? Why are all my friends married, having their first or second kid, girls a lot younger than me dating briefly and getting married, and I'm left here single, dating weirdos, when I have a date at all?