Recently I felt like googling "How to say no to a shadchan so that she'll leave me alone (without burning bridges)." Of course I didn't, even though I'm sure there are plenty of opinion pieces on the web regarding what to include in a "no." I needed a way to get people off my back. I don't feel like I should have to explain to each person exactly why something is not for me or what is going on in my life at the moment to make me say no.
Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?
It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.
Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.
Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!
-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)
-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.
-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.
Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.
"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."
"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."
"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"
That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!
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