I picked up this book the other day and started reading it out of curiosity. The book, Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive) in the Face of Unrequited Love by Samara O'Shea, has so many, so many! good insights. I was skeptical that it would be helpful in any way, as most pop psychology/self help books usually write about things we all have learned instinctively by just being passive students of life. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. Even without any formal education –– I think she's a writer by profession, and she'd only recently began pursuing a Masters degree in social work at the time of the book's publication –– she shares a plethora of wisdom (obviously not all her own) about love and loss and all those emotions in between.
As I read, I want to share some of the things that stand out to me with all of you. If you think any of it is interesting or speaks to you, I would suggest you track down a copy of the book and read it yourself. It's an easy and entertaining read.
One of the first things O'Shea does is reference Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. I'll outline them here briefly, but if you're not familiar with them, I'd say it's worth it for you to read up on them. They're powerful stuff...
1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
O'Shea zeroes in on number two, but I want to talk about numbers two and three. She quotes The Four Agreements to elaborate on the not taking things personally, which basically explains that people live within their own world, their own perception. The things that anybody does or says comes from the "agreements" s/he has within his or her own mind. Even if something seems very personal, even if it insults you directly, it has very little to do with you. Oftentimes it's about how something was triggered for them or a projection of their feelings and beliefs.
In a similar vein, don't make assumptions about why someone is doing or has done something. Even when you aren't in a position to ask, you must accept that you really don't know what is going on and/or why someone is doing something. We can make ourselves sick with worry, anxiety, jealousy, hatred, sadness, etc. when we assume things. We, more often times than not, won't really know why someone doesn't "want" you or why s/he isn't texting you back.
On the topic of rejection, remember that life is full of it –– personally, professionally, you name it. O'Shea offers up some guidelines to help out here.
1. Allow yourself the time to feel bad about things that didn't work out––don't rush through this. It's okay to feel let down.
2. If you made a mistake, don't criticize yourself. Call it just that––a mistake. (We all make mistakes sometimes.)
3. Recognize that the failure of things to work out isn't a reflection of your self-worth or abilities.
4. Find a lesson or three that can be taken away from the situation.
5. Put your black turtleneck on and get back out there.
You know how they all say that you need to be comfortable being alone first, and being single gives you that opportunity? That's great and all, but the want to be in a relationship, to have someone in your corner and all that good stuff, doesn't go away. O'Shea talks to this point too. Being comfortable being single doesn't mean that you don't want love/a relationship. It just means recognizing that "you're the only person you're going to wake up with every single day of your life," says O'Shea. "...You can make more authentic relationship decisions rather than fear-based ones...[working on yourself while you're alone] will enable you to love more genuinely..." It might not feel great, and you don't have to buy into the 'You have be complete on your own; It's an opportunity for you!' stuff that people in a relationship tell you. You do want to recognize though that you can use this time to your advantage. (It doesn't make you more or less single!)
O'Shea also talks about how in a relationship the only feelings you can account for are your own. What may be so super intense to you (or even just seems like a good shot), may be just causal or "pareve" to the other. She points out, as an aside, that when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't necessarily reciprocate your emotion, it's not like it's totally for naught. She claims it's a "chance to practice taking hold of your half –– allowing yourself to feel it fully and let it be something special all by itself." She goes on to say that it's a chance to recognize that you have this capacity to love/care about someone like this and to celebrate it. You may not be able to share this passion with the other person, but you can keep it for yourself and know that it's there for some future situation.
A small note on envy, just because that's the last thing I notated so far in my reading... I know that I've felt jealous or sad/angry/jealous when an ex moved on (read: got engaged/married) or someone else who used to be in my same boat managed to get to the other side. Largely the envy comes from these someone elses having something that I want, right? O'Shea acknowledges that a lot of times this feeling is not that you want to be the other person or have what they have (after all, that person may be married but s/he has zero attraction or perhaps connection to his/her partner...), but it's about the fact that s/he has something to call his/her own. Is there something that you can do, that you have control over to call your own –– a hobby, class, volunteership, whatever? Pursue that, it will help a little.
Remember to love yourself and that everything comes down to you. No one else is to blame for what you are feeling. For real! It's much easier to blame everyone else, and it's aggravating to hear that it's about how you adjust your mindset, because it really does seem so much of the time that the things that happen around us affect our happiness. However, when you choose to take this control, you will have so much more happiness and be less subject to other people's opinions and their mood swings.
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