If this is hope, then what is despair? Is it this? They say that the only direction when you're at rock bottom is up...
My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.
Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.
I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.
When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...
In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.
Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.
A few thoughts come to mind regarding rejection. First off I am sorry that you and your friend had such experiences. In terms of having people open up to you and then leaving you holding their garbage, I believe that's a choice one makes. Most of us, without realizing, look to put our pain and experiences onto other people as a means of feeling relief. The problem with that is no one can live your life for you. The pain or "garbage" someone goes through is theirs. It's specially handcrafted to develop that specific person. By us sensitive nurturing type of people holding others "garbage" we are not doing anyone a service. Rather we are carrying a loaded suitcase on our shoulders for no reason. Each person is responsible to go through their own "trash" and release the pain and other emotions that need to be let go. It's not our job to be a garbage collector (no offense to those that do). So next time you feel like picking up a garbage bag left at your doorstep find out whose it is and return it to the sender ;)
ReplyDeleteYou make some really good points; look for my next few posts in which I want to respond to some of them.
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