Who Wants to be Needy?

While there is a difference between being "needy" and being "clingy," and the latter often comes from insecure attachment and anxiety (a discussion for another time perhaps), it would behoove us to remember that we need each other for our emotional well being. 

Katherine Woodward Thomas, in her book Calling in "The One," talks about how it's easy to fall into the mindset of thinking that we don't need others and we can do everything alone. Our appropriate actual needs get lumped together with inappropriate exaggerated needs, and we then feel like we have to swallow them all. We want to be independant and self reliant, and if you've been single for awhile, you sort of have had to be anyway. Yet, when you're building a relationship, it's important to remember that having needs is not a negative thing.

As humans, we need to feel connected, valued, cared for, respected. Therein lies the balance between being autonomous and being open to receiving from another. 

Perhaps you are familiar with the tale about how the guy walks into a five star establishment with beautiful ambience and exquisite dishes. Yet, no one is eating; the silverware is too large for them to be feeding themselves with, and so the people are just sitting there feeling irritated and angry. "That's hell," he says. Same scenario, and the guy walks in, everyone is happy, "This is heaven." Everyone is feeding each other...

Autonomy is important, but we need each other too; we feed one another. The ability to be vulnerable and depend on others is a skill. When you see this as being needy, says Thomas, perhaps you need to ask yourself if you are just unwilling to take your own needs seriously, and/or the other person is not able or not willing to provide support, consistency, and love.  Instead of not taking your need for kindness, respect and belonging seriously, work on cultivating relationships where you can ask for what you need and the other can give it to you. 

Men and women have different needs. Women generally need to be heard and taken care of. They need him to keep his word to her, and she needs someone she can count on and feel safe with. Men, on the other hand, need to feel needed, acknowledged for his accomplishments (even the little things), accepted for who he is, and generally admired, liked and respected.

It is important to recognize your needs and honor them, otherwise you end up with someone who doesn't have what you're wanting for and/or can't or is unwilling to provide for your needs.