Perfect Imperfections

So much more than a pretty face...

When we chase externalities, whether it be good looks, money, yichus, job title, etc., we're ignoring something(s) so crucial. Sure, all those details are somewhat important, but what about resilience, integrity, emotional intelligence/honesty, connection to G-d, flexibility, depth...who someone is at his/her core...someone's life skills? Is it really about the labels s/he wears?

So often when looking into a shidduch prospective we ask questions looking for dirt. We want to find out "what's wrong" with someone. We label and categorize, measuring people against our yardstick of perfection. Okay, yes, we need to protect ourselves; we want to know what someone is made of, if there are any red flags...but are we going about this in all the wrong ways?

I've posted about baggage and shidduchim, the need to dispel stigma, and the stigma of mental health issues and shidduchim, but maybe what it all comes down to is the fact that we're all the same at our core. It's not about how "damaged" someone is or how much "baggage" s/he has. Some people understand challenge and some do not. Some of us are self-aware and some of us are not.

We so often hide behind stereotypes and think that painting things with a broad brush will protect us. Does it, or might you miss out on something beautiful because you won't take the time to recognize there are more layers there than you see at first glance?

There is so much ignorance that fuels stigma, for sure. Certain buzzwords instill instant fear. (Read about this in the linked posts above.) We really need to think about, not if I'm willing to "accept" someone's baggage, but if the playing field is even. How might two individuals compliment each other? How might he take care of her (and her needs associated with any baggage) and she take care of him in other ways?

I know that I'm attracted to realness and authenticity. Perhaps most of the time that only comes with pain. I've, across the board, found that people that can be the most genuine and vulnerable are people who have struggled with one thing or another (or multiple things) in life. There's beauty in rawness and honesty. Yet, so often the people that are the most unguarded and real are the people that get hurt the most on this shidduch battlefield. Ironically, these are the people that have been kicked by life and and taught the need/how to cope with adversity. There is so much worth in that –– having to learn about life and how to manage struggles.

People often feel like they have to hide that part of themselves that is imperfect, as if it is shameful and ugly. We, as a society, have taught them that. So what if s/he is good-looking, sweet, smart, responsible, out-going, whatever, if s/he has "baggage" his/her shidduch value goes down?

When will we recognize as a society what is real and what is valuable? I guarantee you, at the end of the day the Lexus he drives or the yichus she has won't bring your marriage peace and happiness.