Rainy Daze

Watching the rain cascade down the windowpane, the world a little darker, outlines a little blurrier.
Never knowing when the rain will stop, but knowing that it will.
Recognizing that everything needs rain in order to grow.
Reflecting on how the rain softens the earth, leaving it ripe for new growth.
Appreciating how rainy days provide an excuse to seek comfort from the storm.
Giving permission to the rain to wash away all that's unwanted.
Realizing it isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but making your own sunshine.

Some Tact Please

At another vort last night (B"H for simchos) of a friend and relative's younger sibling, we were having the conversation of how, in essence, common sense ain't so common.

Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)

I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.

So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."

We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.

Parshas Lech Lecha

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Hashem says to Avraham, "V'eeseh l'goy gadol, v'avarechicha v'agadlah shimecha v'haya bracha. V'avarcha mivarchecha..." –– "And I will make of you a great nation; I will bless you, and I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you..."

The Zera Shimshon asks what is the connection between "you will be a blessing" and "I will bless those who bless you;" what do they have to do with each other that they are juxtaposed here?

He explains that "you will be a blessing" and "I will bless those who bless you" are related in the sense that blessing has a rebound factor. Meaning, when one person receives goodness, the person who gave him that blessing will then have goodness too. It is similar to the idea we see in Bava Kamma (92a) regarding if someone is m'spallel for his friend, he will be answered first.

This concept is true too in the opposite sense. If a bracha does not come true for someone, the person who gives the bracha will not either be blessed (despite that he will be rewarded for his efforts to help his friend).

We hear about this idea so often. There are so many "Kol Hamispallel B'Ad Chaveiro" campaigns –– different people who need yeshuos davening for each other. It allows us to connect with other people. If we can really feel another's pain like we feel our own, really daven for someone to receive a yeshua because their pain feels personal to us, iy"H we will see yeshuos in our own lives.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Lech Lecha

Committment Phobia

Planning a Shabbaton, or more accurately a small weekend getaway with a handful of friends, made me realize how commitment-phobic people can be. I get it, life happens; things are going on, and people need to be able to flake. I know I don't like to schedule things for a few months out, because at this stage in the game I'm always secretly hoping that my life is going to be infinitely different in a few months, that there will be someone in my life who I will want to spend all my time with and change all my plans for.

Samuel Decker Thompson said it perfectly, "We are all just a car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a newfound love or broken heart away from becoming a completely different person."

Even so, the Shabbaton I'm working on isn't months out, it's a few days away. Something that everyone, myself included, can work on is realizing that plans can be changed in the event of an emergency or something grandly more important. Even if it costs a little extra money, emotional energy, whatever, not making decisions isn't always safety, you can lose out on so much. Not making a decision is making a decision too.

This is true in relationships, but this is also true with committing to most things. Relationships are probably the quintessential example though. It's about being resistant to change, to not being able to look ahead and make decisions for your future.

If you aren't familiar with Spencer Johnson's Who Moved My Cheese, a parable about how different personalities deal with change, here's a link to a summary video. It's worth the 3 minutes.

Sniff and Scurry find their way to the new cheese (whatever it is that is valuable and your goal in life), while Hem and Haw, well, hem and haw. Haw learns valuable lessons along the way, while we don't know what happens to Hem.

There's so much less on the line committing to, or backing out of, a Shabbaton, than what's at stake when we're talking relationships. Relationship anxiety a lot of the time is rooted in fear of emotional intimacy or stems from previous bad relationship experiences. Not being able to make choices in general can have many other causes. Sometimes it's really just a heavy duty case of FOMO (I'm not kidding). People may not commit to one thing, because they are always wondering what else they may be missing out on. Sometimes people have a hard time with decisions, because they're codependent and they're always trying to figure out what the other person wants and have convinced themselves that they don't have a preference. Sometimes it's much deeper rooted, and the person probably should speak to a professional who can help him/her get to the bottom of it.

With all that said, I'm going to toot my own horn for a moment and say that in the end we rounded up enough people to make the Shabbaton happen (financially worthwhile and all that) and worked out destination/location/property all in just a few days. I should get one of those tshirts that say, "I make things happen. What's your superpower?"

Seriously though, I think the more invested someone is in something, the more s/he can make decisions to make it happen. The less s/he cares about it (even if s/he's lying to himself that s/he really does care...actions not words), the less s/he will take a hard look at why s/he's having a hard time committing.

At A Younger Sibling's Simcha

Spending a good portion of the day at a good friend's younger sibling's vort really made me think about my own experiences like this (outlined in these posts). Really, I'm happy to be moral support, play bodyguard, or just be a welcome distraction.

At my own younger sibling's vort, I remember telling my friends they didn't need to come. When we talk about it now, they laugh at me for being macho and playing the "I got this" card, when it turned out to be not that fun. I don't think I was thinking "I got this" back then. Really, I just didn't want to be the older sorry single sibling who needed friends surrounding her at all times to make it through the night. I thought I would be okay, because it was a simcha of a sibling. I figured there would be enough family around to keep me occupied. I guess I didn't realize how it was going to play out and that there would be lots of (younger) people that I knew coming for the chosson and kallah and how that would feel.

While there will always be a fair share of people who don't think, I believe that people have gotten a lot better in the recent years. (Unless I, and my friends, have just gotten older and so people are more sensitive.) We're hearing less "Iy"H by you"s, less "You're next," less "We should share in simchos." We get it, you're trying to be nice, but it hurts.

I've mentioned the article we compiled to share some of these helpful tips, which no one wanted to publish. (Perhaps it really can be revamped to become publishable.) We were talking about it during the informal after-party with a neighbor who wanted to know how many hurtful comments my friend had gotten during the course of the vort. She came up with the idea that we should make a "What Not To Say At A Younger Relative's Simcha" youtube video. Interesting idea. Perhaps we'll start writing a script...

Being single is one challenge, having younger siblings and being single is another.

Reset: Tips To Get Over A Breakup

I'm far from the expert at this. Let me rephrase: I don't want to be an expert at getting over breakups, but I'm going to share some of my own "what works" with you. There are so many things that come along with breaking up with someone, and often when the stakes are high, as they are in shidduch dating (marriage-focused dating and dating in a marriage-focused culture lends to a certain intensity), the hurt is compounded. 

There are so many different aspects to why breakups are hard, but check out some of my (many) other posts for that. Here I want to talk about getting over a breakup especially when you don't really want to. Hanging onto the breakup is us hanging onto whatever semblance we have left of the relationship, even if it's a load of pain.

I recently heard a line that I related to very much. It went something like this, "Don't you ever want to be in a relationship, just so you can relax?" Dating and finding "The One," the whole game, is stressful and, at the very least, annoying. Getting over a breakup takes work too. It doesn't happen by itself. Time helps, sure, but staying in bed eating ice cream watching reruns of your favorite TV show isn't going to help you get over your ex.

I know for myself, after big breakups, it's always necessary for me to reset. How I do this often varies, but preferably it involves taking a vacation (or two). If you can't afford the time off (or financial expense of the trip), weekends away work too. It's about mixing up your usual routine.

Social support, spending time with friends, is really important in a reset too. Picking up new hobbies, like running or crafting, or whatever it is that speaks to you, can help too. I find that writing and talking things out is cathartic and valuable. Feeling your feelings, not denying the sadness and/or anger, is healing as well. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy, even if it feels like those things are few and far between these days. Look forward, and try not to look back. Don't question and analyze. If something is meant to be, it will come around. It doesn't help to live in the past. Emotional clarity will come with a period of no contact (texts, emails, social media stalking, etc.) and time. Go have some fun and remember that you are an awesome amazing person and your worth is not tied up in someone else. You'll have your day, and when that happens you'll be able to look back at the breakup through a new light.

Finding My Way Back

Wish my heart would stop beating
Me up
Wish my head would follow
My heart
Wish this wasn't
So complicated
Wish I could
Make sense of it all

Wish I felt I had a place
In my own life
Wish I could find the page
Where I left off

You took me down
To build me back up again
Dragged me around
But all by my own doing

This story I'm writing
Could be called fiction
Though waking up is hard to do
Falling asleep's impossible too

Trying to put
The pieces back together
Feeling hopeless
But hopeful
Lost and searching
For some new light in this dark tunnel

Love and Loss

For a long time, I had this block against Alfred Lord Tennyson and his quote, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I mean, it's so obvious to me that it's better to have loved and won, right? And, if you have to lose, is it not better to have never played at all, never known what you were missing?

Yesterday I was listening to someone talk about grief and loss. He shared about the profound grief he experienced following the death of a close family member who he regarded as a mentor to him. After that happened he recognized that he closed himself off to close relationships like that one, holding everyone at arms' length, not letting people in, for fear of suffering another heart-wrenching loss. The loss was so intense, because his relationship with this person was that close.

There are myriads of Brene Brown quotes I can insert here, but I'll go with the following from her The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are:

"Joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions. To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees—these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain."

Love costs so much, because it gives so much.

You gotta pay to play, but even if you lose, I'm starting to think it's worth it. Not just because of what is and isn't possible if you open yourself up or close yourself off. The experience itself is enriching. Fostering a close, trusting, loving relationship with someone you care about can change you...even after the person is no longer in your life.

A loss is essentially hard because it means that you've lost a part of yourself that was wrapped up in another person or experience. Grieving means figuring out how to get back to yourself, navigating your new reality, because your life is forever changed. It will never be the same.

Marrying Your Best Friend

I used to think that I wanted my spouse to first be my best friend. Building on a solid friendship seemed like a good plan towards eventually building a deeper, closer, more intimate, trusting, romantic connection with someone. While it's still true, I want my spouse to be my best friend, I don't know if I want him to first be my best friend. Perhaps friendship and romantic relationship come at the same time.

Getting to know someone as a friend first somewhat lessens the pressure of him/her having to "prove" himself/herself in a relationship, and both parties can be more authentic. Going on informal dates and enjoying each others' company, learning about each other organically, getting more comfortable with someone naturally rather than forcing the issue, and not feeling like you're on mission to find out the inner workings of someone's brain perhaps could be helpful.

Many moons ago, I dated someone, broke up with him, and because he wasn't really ready to let it rest, we ended up picking things back up a little while later. At first we were dating more informally, and I learned so much more about him during that time period. He shared things with me that he probably never would have had we been formally working towards marriage. I also didn't feel like those things mattered as much, because I wasn't making a judgement about his marriage potential after every time we went out or talked.

The way the shidduch system works though, for the most part, is that our dating is very focused. Each date means something. The date number itself is a benchmark. We're working towards marriage, so everything gets carefully weighed and assessed. There's less room for relationships, connecting with someone, taking things slow. The emotional consequences are also greater when said relationship doesn't work out. The stakes are higher.

This is perhaps why building this relationship while building a friendship is ideal. We don't really have room to build (or have) intergender relationships within most frum circles. If we're cultivating a relationship with someone of the opposite gender it works best if it's for marriage purposes. Focused dating makes sense. Our system has so many flaws, but we have yet to come up with a better way to do this.

Marry your best friend, but because s/he is your best friend and your sweetheart.

Parshas Noach

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Noach spends 120 years building a teiva while his neighbors watch. It's brought down that he does this as a way to warn people that if they do not repent from their sinful ways that they will be destroyed by a mabul. The Zohar (67b) says that Noach should have davened for the people of his generation not to be destroyed rather than just trying to influence them to repent and/or build a teiva for his own means of survival. Thus, the mabul is called "Mei Noach," as if the destruction of the world is on Noach. [Yeshayahu 54:9 "For this is to Me as the waters of Noach"]

This is similar to when Mordechai, in the times of Purim, comes to Esther and asks her to speak to Achashveirosh on behalf of the Jewish people. While doing so put Esther at risk for her life, Esther could not sit by while the klal was in danger.

The Gemara in Taanis (11a) states that when the klal is suffering one should not comfort himself saying that he is okay, he is comfortable, and that he has enough. One cannot sit idly by while others are in pain. In fact, the Gemara states that if one does this, he will not be included in the relief when it does come to the tzibbur.

How often do we ignore others' needs, be them physical, emotional, spiritual, whatever, stating that we're okay, all is good in our lives...? What more can we do for other people, look outside of ourselves?

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Noach

When A Person Becomes A Label –– Guest Post

We live in a world of labels –– on food, clothes, politics, and everything in between. Everywhere we go, labels provide us with information, both crucial and non-crucial. They can also serve the purpose of showing others who we are as people. So, of course, why would anyone then expect dating to be any different?

I was signing up for SYAS the other day, and one of the fields that it asks is how you identify religiously. These choices ranged from Traditional and Reform to Yeshivish and Chassidish, going into as much detail as "Modern Orthodox Machmir" and "Modern Yeshivish." With all those choices, you would think that they span the spectrum and cover everyone, right?

Now, from a purely logical point-of-view, I can understand the use of using this system; it allows people to weed out those that are not for them at a quick glance. However, the problem is that dating, relationships, and love are not intellectual by definition. How is it that we can boil down who someone is to a label? And what happens when someone falls through the cracks?

I grew up going to a Frum Jewish day school and went on to study in yeshiva, both for high school and after. But the thing is, I didn’t become Frum until 11th grade. So, not only am I dealing with the stigma of being a Baal Teshuva, there is no box for me at all. I feel like I am too Yeshivish for the MO crowd and too Modern for the Yeshivish crowd.

Now, I don’t have answers for this, but what can we do as a community for those like me that don't feel like they have a place? The feeling of continuous rejections, either because a shadchan can’t comprehend what I'm looking for, or because someone takes a look at my resume and instantly thinks that due to my background/family I can’t be who I say I am or I'm not right for them.

In short, while labels can be useful, perhaps they should not necessarily have the amount of power they are given. There is no doubt that we need a system to help figure out (quickly) who is worth looking into, but I feel that we must remember that as singles we are going through this together. It would behoove us to remember that while labels may tell you something about a person, they are not the full embodiment of that person, and we owe it to ourselves, and each other, to look past the superficial.

The Segula of Learning Zera Shimshon

Segulos can be controversial, especially when someone places his trust in the segulah rather than Hashem Himself. That's akin to worshipping avodah zara or an intermediary. It's the reason why ads such as "How to Get Married Without Trying (Donate to Our Organization)" and "We Gave Up Hope and Were About to Throw In the Towel Until We Saw This Ad and Decided to Donate, and What Do You Know, We Got A Yeshua," are not only bogus, but a chillel Hashem.

Only Hashem can bring you a yeshua. There is no way to beat the system.

However, I recently started reading R' Nachman Seltzer's book on the Zera Shimshon. He tells over Torah from the Zera Shimshon (his peirush on Chumash) and writes about the powerful segulah that its mechaber, R' Shimshon Chaim Nachmani, promises to all those that learn and disseminate his torah, as well as stories to illustrate the topics, and stories of multiple people who saw yeshuos after they began learning the sefer.

The Zera Shimshon did not have children of his own to pass on this torah, and so he promises that anybody who learns his torah will be zoche to all sorts of yeshuos.

Learning torah in it of itself is a worthwhile pursuit, and since I have nothing to lose, I want to try to learn it as much as I can and share a small bit about the parsha each week, sharing this segulah with you all. Since we just started the Torah from the beginning this past Shabbos, I'll share something brief for Parshas Bereishis here, and at some point during this week I will hopefully share something about this week's parsha, Parshas Noach.

(The source for the Torah I'm sharing is brought down in R' Nachman Seltzer's book and attributed to the Zera Shimshon who often quotes other sources.)


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Parshas Bereishis

The Zera Shimshon asks why if Tehillim (119:160) states that "Rosh d'varcha emes," that "Your first utterance is truth," then why does the Torah start with beis, Bereishis, instead of alef (for 'emes')?

He says that emes is actually hinted to in the next three words of the Torah - "ברא אלוקים את." The last letter of each of those words spell out emes.

The beis of Bereishis, R' Nachmani says, alludes to bracha. And so, when one speaks and acts with emes, he will merit blessing in his life.

In fact, the letters of בראשית can be rearranged into ראש and בית, which point to the pasuk of "Rosh d'varcha emes" and beis for bracha.

The Zera Shimshon extrapolates from this that bracha and emes are intertwined, and if we want bracha we need to conduct our lives with emes.

Dancing Round and Round in Circles

Simchas Torah this year was quite the experience.

I'm always struck by how beautiful it is that we're dancing like this for the Torah. The actual tefillos of the hakafos, the lyrics to the tunes we sing, the niggunim, the energy...it's pretty inspiring.

The only thing I can compare it to is a Hachnsas Sefer Torah in Eretz Yisroel where streets are blocked off and there are throngs of people and tons of music and candy. The kavod we give to Torah. The excitement we have for Torah. We forget it when it's not in our faces.

This year, as I was surveying the lebidig scence, it transported me back (as it usually does) to a time when I was child, probably two or three, sitting on my dad's shoulders as he danced round and round on Simchas Torah, pausing to kiss the sifrei torah as we passed someone holding one. Later, when I was too old to be on the men's side, I remember watching my father and my brothers, and perhaps younger siblings, dancing for the Torah.

I was reminded too of the Simchas Torah the year that I was in seminary. Since Simchas Torah is a different day for chutznikim, our Simchas Torah was just chutznikim and very chutzniki. The women, behind a mechitzah of course, were dancing too. I remember feeling a little weird about it, but I got over it pretty quickly and got in on the action.

I wish I could say that I was left with all these positive feelings this yuntif. And maybe I should stop this post here. However, I guess what makes my writing appealing is my candor and thus relate-ability.

Daytime hakafos were pretty hard, I have to say. So many more kids. So many strollers parked haphazardly, no one caring that it was impossible to get by. So many couples younger than me with kids. Mothers with their kids who maybe stayed in shul for kol hanearim, but couldn't stop talking with their children during the entire krias hatorah and mussaf (and this is in a shul where there is usually no talking at all during davening/leining).

I don't think I have to explain why this was hard. Everything that I want to have but don't yet just sort of slapped me in the face. Even just celebrating Torah. It's not my mitzvah to learn. My connection to Torah is different. I want someone with whom I can share this joy in learning, in Torah, through/with. Yes, I know I can learn Torah (and I plan on it), but it isn't the same when I'm not a mutzveh v'oseh. I can't delight the same way in accomplishing during a good seder, a good sugya, whatever.

I just hope I remember to not put myself through that again. I don't think I can handle another Simchas Torah in this shul if I'm still single next year.

Hoshana Rabba: An Eis Ratzon...Repost

Hoshana Rabba is an auspicious time for tefillah. It's one of those times that it's said about that one should wake up early and spend as much time as possible engaged in tefillah.

It's different than a segulah. It's an actual time in which our tefillos are more readily accepted. So while perhaps drinking sheva brachos wine and saying Perek Shira for forty days didn't bring you your zivug, davening on Hashana Rabba is of totally different significance.

Read more about Hoshana Rabba and Eis Ratzon vs. Segulos here.

Living With Boundaries

Being a frum Jew is all about living with boundaries, living within the confines of halacha.

As an aside, I was talking to someone recently who told me that to a teenage boy it sometimes feels like Yiddishkeit is all about restrictions and confinement. It's sometimes hard to see how the 12 hour school day is fulfilling at all. I get that, and that's a whole different issue. (It's a topic for a chinuch blog perhaps...)

Even while what this person said is unfortunately often accurate, "Ein l'cha ben chorin elah me sheosek b'torah" holds so much truth. Without Shabbos and yuntif we would be even more enslaved to technology. It's super addictive as it is, is it not? Pesach and chometz. Music and Sefira/The Three Weeks. After Pesach chometz tastes so much better. After The Three Weeks I can listen to my same (only tens of good) Jewish songs and they aren't annoying to listen to anymore. Taharas hamishpacha keeps a marriage and a couple's relationship special (obviously among other benefits). There are so many examples within Judaism.

While the boundaries that we have that affect dating, specifically shidduch dating, sometimes feel counterintuitive, especially the ones that society has made up and aren't halacha, most of them exist for a purpose and are helpful in the long run. I don't think I want to discuss specific boundaries here, because everyone, depending on their circles, ascribes to different rules and regulations, and I won't pretend to understand them all. For that reason I don't want to nitpick and perhaps seem like I'm making fun of any.

I do want to say though, that in my own personal experience, I've seen the benefit of the lines that I haven't been so keen on toeing.

In one relationship with a guy that I dated quite some time ago, we talked and texted probably every day. In many yeshivish circles this is frowned upon. I don't really understand that, because to me it would make sense to spend as much time as possible trying to build a relationship and get to know someone that you will potentially be spending the rest of your life with. To make a long story short, he claimed that the fact that we talked so much clouded his judgement and had we only went on two or three dates a week and talked one other time separate from that, he would have realized sooner that he was purely infatuated but had too many marriage concerns... Whether or not this makes sense is a different discussion (and written about in many other blog posts probably), but it reflects the lesson of how sometimes boundaries seem annoying, but they're really for our benefit.

Is There "Happily Ever After"?

Enjoying an afternoon with extended family –– a rare occurrence since chol hamoed usually falls out on workdays –– everything was going fairly well until 7 year old of married cousin a few years older than me speaks up. The context was a conversation I was having with a random cousin home for yuntif during his third (ish?) year learning in Israel. He was saying I should come visit and hang out since he's not learning during second seder anyway this coming winter zman, as he's studying for his LSATs. I'm not exactly sure how the comment fit in at all, but said 7 year old looked at me with all the seriousness of being 7 years old and having all the answers.

"Why don't you just get married?"

I looked at her, curious, trying to figure out where she was going with that question.

"Because then you'll live happily ever after..."

I think she was trying to say that I won't have to deal with her uncle or take trips or who knows what.

Coming from a 7 year old, the comment didn't really bother me, but it got me thinking. What are we teaching our young children? Why do 7 year olds have concepts of such things? Do we, as a society, perpetuate this?

It's a lot to think about. It's about 7 year olds talking about dating/marriage, but it's also how as if it's the ultimate solution to every problem.

I love this quote from Samara O'Shea, which I talked about here.

While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."

In the way of just a small example, does being married make in-law yuntif drama less? If anything it adds a whole other dimension. There are challenges in every aspect of life. Although, having someone in your corner who will hopefully take your side and support you in these great discussions and disagreements that can get super emotional and personal when there's lots of family, friends, and other guests that don't necessarily see eye-to-eye, decidedly makes things a little more comfortable.

Joy = Connection Repost

Relationships are work, but connection is joy.

The Yaamim Noraim and Zman Simchaseinu teach us this.

Read about it more here.

Chag sameach!

A Single's Rant: Can We Change The System –– Guest Post

People have mentioned that they think it is extremely sad, even tragic that many girls have to wait so long to find their husbands. Girls who have always made good choices in challenging situations, girls who have such beautifully developed middos, girls who were always cut out to be wives and mothers...they wait and wait for sometimes many years with no end in sight.

But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.

So obviously we are not good enough as is.

Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.

It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.

I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.

The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.

I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.

If You Want Something, Ask

Looking back, we probably should have taken a break when he went on vacation for two weeks while we were at an awkward stage in our relationship. Instead, we ended up doing a lot of texting and the occasional call or video call when he had some spare time. That ended in disaster. We had some major misunderstandings, and we ended up arguing. I guess what it really boiled down to was the expectations we had, unshared, unvoiced, but expected all the same.

One fine day while he was on vacation and he knew I was traveling (driving with passengers, so not much ability there for communication), he later told me that he was so mad that I hadn't texted him all day. He was playing a game of chicken, waiting for me to reach out, not going to be the one to initiate contact "all the time."

Honestly, I didn't feel like we needed to talk/text every single day, and he was on vacation, I truthfully didn't want to bother him. I was also busy. If I had something I wanted specifically to share with him, I would, and did, but that particular day I did not. I figured he would touch base if he wanted to, and if not, we would check in later that day probably before we went to sleep just to say hey. If not, we would talk/text the next day.

Later that evening I sent him a picture of something I was working on for him. (I shouldn't have been...the things we do for the people we think we have obligations to. But that's a different discussion entirely.) He later told me that he took that as an olive branch. I hadn't reached out to him all day, so this was my way of apologizing. He was still really mad at me for not talking to him.

"I know you were traveling and busy today, but you were "online" on WhatsApp..."

Are you kidding me? Just send me a message if you wanted to talk!

Why complicate life?

Missing somebody?…Call

Wanna meet up?…Invite

Wanna be understood?…Explain

Have questions?…Ask

Don’t like something?…Say it

Like something?…State it

Want something?…Ask for it

Love someone?…Tell it

We just have one life, keep it simple.

Guys and girls alike: people aren't mind readers. He probably won't pick up on your subtleties. If something is wrong, you need to say so. "Fine," doesn't mean "I'm not okay. Please probe." You can't expect her to know that you want her to do something unless you tell her. Communication is key even if you think the other person knows, or should know, what to do or what you want. If you want something, ask. What do you lose?