Parshas Vayechi

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

As Yaakov is on his death bed, when he is giving brachos to Efraim and Menashe, he tells his son Yosef that he knows that he holds it against him that he buried his mother, Rochel, outside of Eretz Yisroel and it was fulfillment of a direct command from Hashem.

The Ramban in Bereishis (26:5) explains why he waited this long to tell him.

Perhaps Yosef believed that the Avos kept the mitzvos of the Torah while they were in Eretz Yisroel. Because one is not allowed to marry two sisters, Rochel passed away, and was buried, outside of Eretz Yisroel.

However, the mefarshim explain that because Yaakov really intended to marry Rochel first, the bechorah was split between Yosef (his children) and Reuven, Leah's firstborn. If Yaakov could not have been married to Rochel, he would not have given her firstborn inheritance in Eretz Yisroel!

Therefore, at this point when Yaakov is giving Yosef pi shnayim, inheritance to both Menashe and Efraim, it is clear that Rochel isn't not buried in Eretz Yisroel because Yaakov could not be married to two sisters in Eretz Yisroel. (The Zera Shimshon explains that this was allowed either because it was a Divine command, or because Rochel had converted and Rochel and Leah were no longer considered sisters al pi halacha.)

Yaakov now explains to Yosef why he buried his mother outside Efrat by direct command of Hashem and for no other reason.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayechi

It's Not About Why Not

"He's a normal guy I think. He said yes to you? You should just go out."

"Just try it. What are you scared of?"

It's not about why not. There needs to be a why yes. Why should I go out with this guy just because he's interested in me? I guess technically it could mean something, but often it does not. I don't need to jump at every name. There needs to be a reason why I'm considering marrying someone, right? And that's what dating is. We date for marriage.

No, we should not be looking for the "no's," but there needs to be a compelling reason why yes.

Everyone dates differently. For some people it isn't complicated. Nice person, nice family, check and check. Go out, get married. Such people could probably marry a handful of people and it's just the matter of who s/he meets first. For others there is so much more that needs to line up. There are certain things that really matter. There are specific things that need to be present.

It isn't a personal insult when I turn down your idea or turn down you. It's just that there are some things that are important and necessary. If it's not there, if the profile doesn't sound compelling, let's not waste anyone's time.

A Quick Note to My Readers

Perhaps this is understood. Maybe I don't need to say anything. However, a few people told me recently that they keep tabs on me and what's going on in my life via my blog. I'm sure for the handful who've told me this (you know who you are), there are a few more people who know me IRL who do the same. 

I just want to remind you all that not everything I write is current or even about me. Sometimes I will start a post and then continue it and publish it days or months later. I might also write something and then schedule it to post a few days or so afterwards. Sometimes I write about things that have happened months or years ago. I write too about experiences and ideas that others have shared with me...

With that being said, thanks for continuing to visit and staying with me.

Happy reading!

Runners, Take Your Mark

"You know the kid who is frantically tying his sneakers by the lockers while his friends have all finished the race? That's what I feel like."

This was an apt description by my friend of her experience in the "Waiting Room" as yet another one of her friends exited with groom in tow.

But a race implies that all runners start at the same point and race down the same trail. Real life is a lot more complex. The Master Trainer allows only one runner per lane and just one lane per runner.

Tie your sneakers and get going. The race is not limited to marriage; the hike starts long before. All of life is a climb, and the Master Planner gives each person his own trajectory to follow.

On my menorah the candles are dancing, flickering, sometimes sputtering, yet always shining their brightest. When today's candles burn out, I know tomorrow will bring additional light. Two candles will follow the one, and then there will be three. Five will follow four, and we will continue counting upwards every day.

We have a rule, "Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin," matters of holiness are always increased and never decreased. If I have lit one candle today, tomorrow I will strive for more.

I greatly admire my friends' investments, toil, and accomplishments in their homes' harmony and in bringing yet more Yiddishe children into the world. Believe me, I really do. I pray to be doing the same very soon. Yet, while my current checklist may not contain any of that, by no means am I the same person I was two, three, four, or more years ago. If I have grown in so many ways then I am confident that I have come far in the race!

Yes, for now I race on my own. Know though, I do not sit and wait for my situation to change so I can "catch up" with my friends. I do not stagnate along the way. Instead, I continue walking. Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin. With hope in my heart and a constant prayer on my lips, I keep hiking onwards towards the sunshine."

(Edited and Abbreviated, Original by Z. Goldheim published in December 20 Hamodia Inyan Magazine)

My sister was reading this article, and she handed me the magazine and urged me to read it. "You'll like it," she said. I stopped regularly reading frum magazines quite awhile ago, as I got annoyed how they often sensationalize issues to sell their publication. Every so often someone will hand me an article or story to read though.

I loved this idea. The race analogy isn't new, but the way its written about here, combined with the maalin bakodesh concept, hits the idea home. It's so true. There isn't just one way to be productive in this world. We don't just start our lives after we get married and raise a family.

What's in your training regimen today?

Just Give Me A Reason

I guess this post really wanted to be written. I had the idea awhile back when I had many names on the table and I had declined most of them. I got some slack for that, and the people suggesting the ideas wanted to know why I was saying no.

"Please give me a reason why so-and-so isn't for you."

Now, I get it if this is a shadchan who really thinks s/he may know someone for me and wants to tweak future suggestions. But what if it's someone random? What if the person doesn't know him and doesn't know me? What if she just went off the fact that we live in the same city and are around the same age? Why does she have to argue with me when I tell her he isn't for me? What if he just said yes clearly because he saw a picture of me? (Getting a yes literally 15 minutes after someone asked me for my profile to send to a guy. What else was he basing it on?) There were myriad permutations of this scenario that occurred.

At the time I got pretty frustrated. I jotted down some notes for a future blog post. I forgot about it. It wasn't as burning anymore. Then the following happened.

About three or four months ago or so someone sent me a video resume of a guy. It did not do him any favors. I'll leave it at that. It was unclear at the time if she had suggested it to him or she was just running it by me first. I'm certain she didn't watch the video. I said "Thanks for thinking of me. He's not for me." This happens to be a shadchan I deal with on a somewhat frequent basis, and she didn't interrogate me why I said no.

About a month ago and half ago, maybe a little longer, someone random sent me the resume of this same guy with a yes. I politely declined.

I got a message, "So-and-so wants to know what about him makes you say he's not for you."

I'm pretty sure I didn't respond to that message.

Today I got a resume with a yes. This guy.

I politely declined. I respectfully told the shadchan suggesting it that it had been suggested in the past and I had said no at the time and the answer was still no.

(I'm going to interrupt myself here for a second. Weird story, two weeks ago another guy who had said yes to me and I had said "no thanks" to came back via a yes from another shadchan. I don't understand. Are these guys playing a game? Do they think I don't remember that I said no? That I will change my mind if someone else redts it? Or did they not remember that we did this already?)

Back to my story, the shadchan messages me and says, "So-and-so wants to know how he can better himself so you will go out with him."

That was taking it a bit too far.

I think my message was fairly polite when I replied that he had been suggested before and I had said no, the question was posed before, and why was he running after me. I also said that he's not what I'm looking for and didn't think it was necessary for me to go into detail.

She was apologetic and said she didn't realize, and she agreed with me.

For real, must I give a reason why someone isn't for me to every suggestion? Honestly sometimes the answer is that a guy is too nerdy, not socially adept enough, or not smart enough. Does he really want to hear that?

Does everyone need a reason?

Parshas Vayigash

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Yosef says to his brothers "Ani Yosef, haod aveinu chai?" The pasuk tells us that the brothers could not answer.

What was Yosef really asking? He already asked them about their father on their previous trip; he knew their father was alive.

The Zera Shimshon suggests that Yosef was asking about if his father was alive, because he knew that Yaakov Avinu had ruach hakodesh and would have known if Yosef was alive and where he was.

Yosef did not know that the shevatim had created a pact when they sold him to not tell what happened to him. They had included Hashem in this pact and thereby k'vyachol prevented Hashem from revealing the truth about Yosef to Yaakov.

Yosef was asking if Yaakov still posessed ruach hakodesh.

Chazal explain that when the pasuk (Bereishis 45:27) says "And their father Yaakov came alive," it means that ruach hakodesh returned to him.

The brothers were silent and did not answer Yosef, because they were ashamed about the pact they made that involved Hashem, the reason why ruach hakodesh was taken away from Yaakov.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayigash

One Check, Two, Gray Checks, Blue

One check
Two
Gray checks
Blue

Multiple past promises of
"I'm always here for you."

"Always here if you need to vent,"
"Really, don't spare me any of your discontent."

Online
Last seen a minute ago
Online
Last seen not a minute ago

Experiencing all this
Stress and fear
Needing you
You said you'd be there

Every inane thing I said
You always sent a reply
Now when I'm going through rough times
What happened to that guy?

I hate how I let you
Mess with my head
Wondering why you're ignoring me
Wishing I didn't care instead

Making me wonder did I do something wrong
Why did you stop answering me
We seemed to be, quite nicely,
Getting along

Will I know tomorrow
Will you answer me
Or is this it
Is this all we will be

Waiting For My Bus Revisited

Waiting for my bus.

Today we have Google Maps, Moovit, Autobus Karov, and a myriad of other apps that will tell you which bus to take to get where you want to go and when to expect its arrival. There's a sign too next to most bus stops with a screen constantly updating each bus's eta.

Does it really help?

I mean, maybe it makes you feel better. Maybe it lets you feel like you're doing some hishtadlus by making sure you get to the right stop when the bus is scheduled. But does it make your bus come quicker or give you any real advantage? Honestly, you can get really lost even with a navigation app running, especially if it's walking directions...

We have profile databases, whatsapp shidduch chats, singles events, etc. Do these things really help us in any significant way? I mean, we're still at the mercy of G-d and when He wants us to find the right one. Perhaps it's hishtadlus. Perhaps it makes us feel like we're doing something more to make our bus arrive more promptly.

Me, I do sometimes still wonder where my bus is and what is taking so long. And, to quote myself, it is at these times that I remind myself that “no bus” or “wrong bus” does not mean my bus is not far behind, no matter what the transit app or bus stop screen is telling me.

Perspective

There's a flip side to every personality trait. What keeps life exciting and fun, what makes people want to spend time with you, can also be what kills you. For me, passion and truth seeking can often become drama apparently.

That part's not super important. It's more about the lesson here.

It's almost easier when you can't trace something back to someone. When it's not someone engaging in really hurtful behavior towards you, it's easier to realize it's from Hashem. It's a lot harder when there's a person behind the incident who is being super insensitive. It seems to hurt a lot more when there are people on the line for making a decision to engage in an action that hurts you. It hurts even more when they excuse their behavior or try to put it on someone else. It even sucks when they can admit they were wrong but won't do anything to rectify the situation because then they lose out. It hurts when they can't see beyond themselves.

If I work to put things in perspective I can see that I only need to realize my tafkid in this world is to be the best me. I need to find my way in the darkness regardless of whatever sucky situation I find myself in. I can be the bigger person and not make someone else suffer on principle just because they made me suffer or even ask them to do something that would make things annoying for them even if it would partially fix the situation.

Just like I can clearly see that I'm not married right now because G-d doesn't want me to be, this situation happened because G-d wanted it to be like this. It doesn't take the people behind it off the hook. No way. But G-d takes care of that. I don't have to exact judgement. I don't have to put myself in the position to get hurt by these individuals again either though.

Chanukah brings with it so many lessons. The smallest light can chase away so much darkness. You can be crushed like an olive, but it's only to bring out your best.

I know it would be so much easier to stay mad at these people and feel a lot better to make them "pay" for what happened, but honestly it's not worth it. I don't know why G-d put me in this situation. I don't know what G-d wants from me specifically. I do know that I can swallow my kavod, swallow my anger and pain and sense of injustice, and I can move on. I can let this be another learning experience about trust and self reliance. I can only work on me, and everyone else needs to work on themselves. Regardless of what I say or do, I can't fix them.

Parshas Mikeitz

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The shevatim leave Yosef to go home, and Yosef sends the person in charge of his house to chase after them and say to them"Lama sheilamtem raah tachas tovah?" "Why did you repay evil for good?"

Instead of asking, "Why did you take the cup," he asked "Why did you repay evil for good?"

The Zera Shimshon explains that he was giving mussar to his brothers. He was saying that they were so jealous of him that they sold him into slavery, but they should have learned from their mothers' relationship! In fact, they exhibited the exact opposite behavior. Rachel shared the simanim with Leah, and she even shared her husband with her as well!

"Where is your gratitude?" Yosef was asking.

Chazal in Bereishis Rabba (84:18) explain that this is hinted to in the phraseology of "You sold the son of Rachel" instead of just saying "You sold Yosef" or "You sold your brother."

Yosef's message to his brothers was that of being kafoi tov (lacking gratitude). They should have had appreciation for what his mother did for theirs instead of just acting on their jealousy.

It is so important to always express appreciation and to make sure your actions mirror it too.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Mikeitz

Only In Israel

Coming into the country, the guy at passport control wants to know why I'm visiting. After we get that squared away, he wishes me a "Yom naim and shidduch tov."

Only. In. Israel.

Last time I was in Israel I started keeping a list of things that were uniquely Israel. I'll share them here in a sec, because, why not? But the aforementioned incident took it to a whole new level. More on that in a moment.


Uniquely Israel...

The way the traffic light turns yellow before it turns green.
The way the tender driver gets around traffic by driving on the shoulder.
The girl davening mincha at the bus stop.
The yeshiva guy walking around in a suit jacket, black hat...and a backpack.
The way the sun sets so quickly.
Froop.
Can you take public transportation to almost anywhere.
Everyone's always davening.
Are there so many people living in the middle of construction.
Does it feel like home even when you haven't been to visit in a long time.
Do you see men riding motorbikes with their tzitzis flapping in the wind.
Does a young kid with ripped pants come over to you and say, "Money ani ohev, yesh la?"
Do women walk around with their cellphone held to their ear by tucking it in their snood.
Do you have so many smoking cabins in the airport.
How little children can buy alcohol so freely.
The way it's never really a surprise to bump into someone you haven't seen in ages.
The way everything is decorated for the current Jewish holiday.
The way everyone feels like they can ask you whatever they want.
Do people park on the highway to daven mincha because they're stuck in traffic coming back from a levaya.
Does security at the airport ask so many inane questions they don't care about the answers to but just want to see if you're lying.

Fun times.

Back to the guy at passport control. It was sort of like the woman I met at Kever Rochel. I had finished davening and was walking out. She came over to me and started telling me that she works in shidduchim and can I send her my shidduch details. She started asking me what yeshivos I date when I told her that I live in the states. "Oh, so, you're not listening to suggestions from Israel?" When I confirmed that I'm not looking to marry an Israeli, she told me regretfully that she can't help me, but she wished me well.

They're all trying to be nice, I know. I mean, I had a few people tell me I should extend my ticket so I could date the suggestions they had for me. Hmm. They care; it's sweet. They don't know me, but they want the best for me. We're all brothers. There's less of a concept of personal space. It's a cultural thing. Sometimes it's annoying, but it's also beautiful.

I made lots of friends on this trip. I had so many interesting conversations with everyone who spoke my language, and a few people who did not. I could complain about how everyone was in my business, but I think that would be shortsighted. I don't need everyone trying to set me up with whichever random person they know, nor do I need well wishes from every random person. It is nice though when I realize that everyone feels connected, and we're all in this together.

Forget to Forget You –– Guest Post

A couple weeks ago I was sitting in shul listening to Krias HaTorah, when all of sudden, out of nowhere, a thought popped in my head. That day marked one year since I met my ex. Completely out of nowhere I went from attentively listening to the leining, to my mind drifting off, remembering and reminiscing about the relationship that ended too soon.

Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event,  and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.

That was 9 months ago.

Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.

I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."

Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.

Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?

Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.

It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.

Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”

Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.

We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.

Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Parshas Vayeishev

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The Midrash in Bereishis Rabbi (84:17) tells us that the aveiros of the shevatim will be remembered for all eternity and they provide hope for the world.

The Zera Shimshon explains that despite it sounding like the aveiros being remembered for all eternity being a negative thing, it is really positive. He says that the fact that Yosef was sold into slavery, into galus, it accustomed the Shechinah to this concept of galus.

He quotes the Shach who says, "If not for Mechiras Yosef, if not for the fact that the Shechinah was already familiar with galus, the Shechinah would have poured out Her wrath on Bnei Yisroel themselves during the time of Churban Bayis Rishon and Sheini, and Bnei Yisroel would have been destroyed." Instead Hashem sent Bnei Yisroel into galus.

The Shechinah was accustomed to galus, because the Shechinah went into exile with Yosef HaTzadik when his brothers sold him. We learn this from the words of "v'Yosef hurad Mitzraymah." The gematria of "Mitzraymah" equals that of "Shechinah."

This set a precedent, and the sins of the shevatim were remembered and will be remembered for eternity. It provides hope, because in the same way that the Shechinah will return from galus, Klal Yisroel will as well.

We should merit the geulah speedily in our days.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayeishev

The Waiting Place

Airports are a perfect example of Dr. Suess's (Oh The Places You'll Go) "Waiting Place." So much tumult. So many people coming and going. So easy to watch them all, wondering, just wondering, where everyone is off to. Everyone's getting on planes and flying to destinations. They're all rushing through the airport with somewhere to go.

Why do I continue to sit here and search for my gate?

Sometimes there are great duty free stores along the way that hold my attention, make the waiting more manageable. Sometimes there are interesting people to talk to. Sometimes there are fellow travelers also waiting for their plane who can relate and commiserate.

It's easy to get caught up in the waiting. But does it have to be waiting? Maybe it's about enjoying the journey, and the time spent at the gate is part of it. Maybe every person, all my fellow travelers, I meet along the way teach me something in some way.

Maybe I don't have to think about it as waiting, but part of the experience. It's not just about getting to my destination, it's about every step along the way.