a
trek up
a winding staircase
finding no end in sight
it truly seems to go on and on
forever and ever and ever and ever
taking a short, brief breather on a landing
to begin the hike again without very much respite
an elevator at the very next landing, merely but a mirage
dragging a big bag packed with essentials for the destination
if only I could get to that place at some point, hopefully very soon
perhaps the down escalator that I am scaling will suddenly switch to up
until then I heft my heavy bursting haversack over my shoulder and brace myself
I wonder where I will get the supplies to continue the journey without tapping out or giving up
but I continue because what choice do I have and where else do I go from here, stuck in the middle of nowhere
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Parshas Beshalach
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
Az Yashir, the shira that Bnei Yisroel sang upon experiencing the amazing neis of Krias Yam Suf, is in this parsha.
The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim 218:5) says that if a person experiences many miracles and he visits one place where a particular miracle took place, he should have in mind all the miracles that he was granted.
The reason for this is because if the person had not shown gratitude for the first neis that he experienced, Hashem would not have granted him a second neis, etc. The first miracle obligated him to show praise and thanks to Hashem, and in doing so it was the direct cause of the second miracle. Showing thanks for a second miracle caused a third, and so on and so forth. Therefore, each neis was contingent on the one(s) before.
This shows how powerful expressing hakaras hatov is and how it can benefit us.
Tehillim (106:1) tells us, "Hodu laHashem ki tov ki leolam chasdo," "Give thanks to Hashem when He grants the first kindness, and then he will merit His continued kindness for all eternity."
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Beshalach
Az Yashir, the shira that Bnei Yisroel sang upon experiencing the amazing neis of Krias Yam Suf, is in this parsha.
The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim 218:5) says that if a person experiences many miracles and he visits one place where a particular miracle took place, he should have in mind all the miracles that he was granted.
The reason for this is because if the person had not shown gratitude for the first neis that he experienced, Hashem would not have granted him a second neis, etc. The first miracle obligated him to show praise and thanks to Hashem, and in doing so it was the direct cause of the second miracle. Showing thanks for a second miracle caused a third, and so on and so forth. Therefore, each neis was contingent on the one(s) before.
This shows how powerful expressing hakaras hatov is and how it can benefit us.
Tehillim (106:1) tells us, "Hodu laHashem ki tov ki leolam chasdo," "Give thanks to Hashem when He grants the first kindness, and then he will merit His continued kindness for all eternity."
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Beshalach
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Parshas Bo
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
The dogs were silent as Klal Yisroel left Mitzrayim. This in it of itself was a neis, but the unnatural silence was also a sign. It was sign that Bnei Yisroel had been forgiven for their sins and were worthy of this redemption.
The Medrash in Shemos Rabba (1:35) tells us that Moshe was curious regarding Klal Yisroel's sin. He was curious as to what they could have done to be sentenced to this forced labor. When he realized that Dassan and Aveiram found out who killed the Mitzri through lashon hara, he said, "This is a nation who speaks lashon hara. How will they ever be redeemed?"
The Gemara in Makkos (23a) writes that anyone who speaks lashon hara deserves to be thrown to the dogs.
The fact that the dogs were silent when Bnei Yisroel were leaving Mitzrayim shows that they did teshuva; they were no longer speaking lashon hara. Thus, they merited this redemption.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Bo
The dogs were silent as Klal Yisroel left Mitzrayim. This in it of itself was a neis, but the unnatural silence was also a sign. It was sign that Bnei Yisroel had been forgiven for their sins and were worthy of this redemption.
The Medrash in Shemos Rabba (1:35) tells us that Moshe was curious regarding Klal Yisroel's sin. He was curious as to what they could have done to be sentenced to this forced labor. When he realized that Dassan and Aveiram found out who killed the Mitzri through lashon hara, he said, "This is a nation who speaks lashon hara. How will they ever be redeemed?"
The Gemara in Makkos (23a) writes that anyone who speaks lashon hara deserves to be thrown to the dogs.
The fact that the dogs were silent when Bnei Yisroel were leaving Mitzrayim shows that they did teshuva; they were no longer speaking lashon hara. Thus, they merited this redemption.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Bo
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Informalities
Is there something to be said for informal dates? Does every date need to have a tachlis? Can you get to know someone better if you just hang out and chill without necessarily having an agenda? Is this appropriate and/or helpful?
There are so many different opinions regarding the answers to these questions. Obviously a large part of that would have to do with the community one identifies with. The more in-the-box yeshivish one is, the closer s/he is to that side of the spectrum, the more focused his/her dating will be probably. But there is a different aspect here, too, to consider.
How well can you really know someone from going out a few times (even if "a few" is 20 over the span of two and change months)? Are we dating to "know" someone, or are we dating to make sure basics are there and if there is that potential we're seeking?
Personally, I like informal dates. I don't think there needs to be pressure to "accomplish" something each date. However, I do think that each date should build on each other. A fourth date should not feel like a first date. By date four or five the two people should be beyond small talk and even able to have a conversation about where they see things going. Although, there are no hard and fast rules, and everyone at their own pace (as long as the two people are on the same page with that).
Informal dates are helpful to observe someone in a more natural habitat. Shidduch dating can get very artificial. It's fairly easy to show your best self if all you have to do is sit in a hotel lounge or restaurant for a few hours. Less so if you spend many more hours with someone not necessarily feeding them canned lines about your goals and aspirations that were made up to impress them.
I think it's important though to not get carried away and turn shidduch dating into a very informal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with lots of texting and late night phone conversations. That stuff might start from a real place but often gets inflated. It's also not helpful when you're trying to work towards marriage; it can lead to things getting cloudy.
I'm all for chilling and getting to know someone slowly, but just be aware that there actually may be some hidden mines in that terrain that you may have to navigate.
There are so many different opinions regarding the answers to these questions. Obviously a large part of that would have to do with the community one identifies with. The more in-the-box yeshivish one is, the closer s/he is to that side of the spectrum, the more focused his/her dating will be probably. But there is a different aspect here, too, to consider.
How well can you really know someone from going out a few times (even if "a few" is 20 over the span of two and change months)? Are we dating to "know" someone, or are we dating to make sure basics are there and if there is that potential we're seeking?
Personally, I like informal dates. I don't think there needs to be pressure to "accomplish" something each date. However, I do think that each date should build on each other. A fourth date should not feel like a first date. By date four or five the two people should be beyond small talk and even able to have a conversation about where they see things going. Although, there are no hard and fast rules, and everyone at their own pace (as long as the two people are on the same page with that).
Informal dates are helpful to observe someone in a more natural habitat. Shidduch dating can get very artificial. It's fairly easy to show your best self if all you have to do is sit in a hotel lounge or restaurant for a few hours. Less so if you spend many more hours with someone not necessarily feeding them canned lines about your goals and aspirations that were made up to impress them.
I think it's important though to not get carried away and turn shidduch dating into a very informal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with lots of texting and late night phone conversations. That stuff might start from a real place but often gets inflated. It's also not helpful when you're trying to work towards marriage; it can lead to things getting cloudy.
I'm all for chilling and getting to know someone slowly, but just be aware that there actually may be some hidden mines in that terrain that you may have to navigate.
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Yup, That's What Was Said
"Are you married yet?" "No? Why not?"
"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."
"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."
"Why don't you just get married?"
All spoken in real life.
I kid you not.
I was only victim to one of them; the others were said to people close to me. And I'm sure many others have experienced similar comments. The "You're next"s and "Soon by you"s seem tame compared to comments like these.
What can possibly be going through someone's head when s/he says something like this? Does s/he really think that we're making a conscious choice to not be married? This is not even about tact. It's not even about sensitivity. It's basic decency. Is it not? Why would you accuse someone of something that he has no control over especially when it's painful for him/her?
I get it; people don't always know what to say. That's okay; say nothing then. Sometimes people will put their foot in their mouth, and that can hurt the receiver, but hopefully s/he knows it wasn't meant to. The above comments almost seem pointed and malicious though.
Was the aim to make the single feel bad and to light a fire under him/her? Is the speaker thinking s/he is being a Penina? Really, I would like to understand.
Friday, January 12, 2018
Parshas Va'eira
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
Rashi, in this parsha, quotes Chazal in Bava Basra (109b) saying that Pinchas was an offspring of Yisro who was also known as Putiel. He was known as Putiel, because he fattened cows for avoda zara.
The question here is why he is named for something derogatory. We have a mitzva to not remind a convert about his past, and is this not an affront to Yisro's honor?
It is actually the opposite! It is a praise to him. This was a man who was so involved in avoda zara that he fattened cows for idol worship. Yet, when he learned the truth, recognized Hashem, he let it all go. Calling him by Putiel is a praise.
This is hinted to in the name itself. The malach in charge of forgetfulness is called Putah. Puti is forgetfulness of El - el nachar (foreign gods). Or, Puti, forgetfulness of avoda zara and instead cleaved to Kel, Hashem.
He is named Putiel because he fattened cows for avoda zara, but also because once he learned of Hashem he completely forgot about that part of his life.
Our past misdeeds can be a shvach (praise) for us when we leave them behind and commit to a better, holier path.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Va'eira
Rashi, in this parsha, quotes Chazal in Bava Basra (109b) saying that Pinchas was an offspring of Yisro who was also known as Putiel. He was known as Putiel, because he fattened cows for avoda zara.
The question here is why he is named for something derogatory. We have a mitzva to not remind a convert about his past, and is this not an affront to Yisro's honor?
It is actually the opposite! It is a praise to him. This was a man who was so involved in avoda zara that he fattened cows for idol worship. Yet, when he learned the truth, recognized Hashem, he let it all go. Calling him by Putiel is a praise.
This is hinted to in the name itself. The malach in charge of forgetfulness is called Putah. Puti is forgetfulness of El - el nachar (foreign gods). Or, Puti, forgetfulness of avoda zara and instead cleaved to Kel, Hashem.
He is named Putiel because he fattened cows for avoda zara, but also because once he learned of Hashem he completely forgot about that part of his life.
Our past misdeeds can be a shvach (praise) for us when we leave them behind and commit to a better, holier path.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Va'eira
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Your Call: Finding Out Shidduch Info by Talking to References
"Well, yeah, I pay them to sell me."
Should you or shouldn't you trust references on a resume?
Obviously it's ideal to speak to people who have your interest in mind (who know the person you're trying to find out information about, because obviously it's not helpful to talk to someone who knew the person years ago or only knows him/her a little bit). Speaking to the person's friends and/or speaking to people who the person directed you towards may or may not be worthwhile. Truth: no one is doing anyone any favors by lying about someone or answering what they think the person wants to hear, but it happens often. Even when one does talk to someone s/he knows personally s/he may get partial truths. People feel bad to speak "poorly" about someone even though doing so can save both parties a lot of time and energy. They don't want to "mess up a shidduch." Honesty is the best policy...
Oftentimes one may not personally know anyone who knows the party in question and has to rely on random people and the references they've been directed towards. There are a few ways to make such a phone call worth your time. Asking questions in a manner where there is no right answer is one strategy. For example, instead of asking, "Is s/he intense?" You can phrase it, "Does s/he have a more laid-back personality or is more passionate?" In that question there is no right or wrong answer. I'd add here to be specific, because questions like "tell me about his/her hashkafa" is way too broad and people's labels and frames of reference can be super diverse.
Additionally, listen for what is not being said. Perhaps no one will tell you that s/he flunked out of school, but people won't say s/he is smart if s/he is not. (Usually.) Also, seek out consistencies or inconsistencies by trying to confirm facts by talking to multiple people. Obviously don't say, "I heard x, y, z. Is this true?" Ask similar questions and listen to see if different people answer the same answers. It's a good idea too to tell the reference a little bit about you (or whoever the shidduch is for) so they have a frame of reference and aren't just answering out of left field.
I will add here too that it's important to update your references regarding your current take on things, whether it's about hashkafa or whatnot, because people expect your references to have a handle on what it is you're looking for or what you do. If your reference says something, people, most of the time, will take it like it's coming from you. People assume that if s/he is on your resume you directed them towards him/her and are comfortable with how s/he represents you...
Should you or shouldn't you trust references on a resume?
Obviously it's ideal to speak to people who have your interest in mind (who know the person you're trying to find out information about, because obviously it's not helpful to talk to someone who knew the person years ago or only knows him/her a little bit). Speaking to the person's friends and/or speaking to people who the person directed you towards may or may not be worthwhile. Truth: no one is doing anyone any favors by lying about someone or answering what they think the person wants to hear, but it happens often. Even when one does talk to someone s/he knows personally s/he may get partial truths. People feel bad to speak "poorly" about someone even though doing so can save both parties a lot of time and energy. They don't want to "mess up a shidduch." Honesty is the best policy...
Oftentimes one may not personally know anyone who knows the party in question and has to rely on random people and the references they've been directed towards. There are a few ways to make such a phone call worth your time. Asking questions in a manner where there is no right answer is one strategy. For example, instead of asking, "Is s/he intense?" You can phrase it, "Does s/he have a more laid-back personality or is more passionate?" In that question there is no right or wrong answer. I'd add here to be specific, because questions like "tell me about his/her hashkafa" is way too broad and people's labels and frames of reference can be super diverse.
Additionally, listen for what is not being said. Perhaps no one will tell you that s/he flunked out of school, but people won't say s/he is smart if s/he is not. (Usually.) Also, seek out consistencies or inconsistencies by trying to confirm facts by talking to multiple people. Obviously don't say, "I heard x, y, z. Is this true?" Ask similar questions and listen to see if different people answer the same answers. It's a good idea too to tell the reference a little bit about you (or whoever the shidduch is for) so they have a frame of reference and aren't just answering out of left field.
I will add here too that it's important to update your references regarding your current take on things, whether it's about hashkafa or whatnot, because people expect your references to have a handle on what it is you're looking for or what you do. If your reference says something, people, most of the time, will take it like it's coming from you. People assume that if s/he is on your resume you directed them towards him/her and are comfortable with how s/he represents you...
Friday, January 5, 2018
Parshas Shemos
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
The pasuk tells us that Moshe Rabbeinu was on the way to the inn and Hashem sought to kill him. Rashi explains that this was because Moshe had not yet given his son Eliezer a bris milah.
The Zera Shimshon says that this is hard to understand, because certainly someone who neglects to himself have a bris milah is punishable by kares, but not giving his son a bris was "just" a failure to perform a mitzvas aseh and not punishable by death!
Bereishis Rabba (49:2) tells us that Avraham Avinu merited to have Moshe Rabbeinu as a descendant because he gave himself a bris. Moshe Rabbeinu's job was not only to save Bnei Yisroel from Mitzrayim, but to ensure they all had a bris milah as well.
Moshe was born in the merit of bris milah, and it was incumbent upon him to make sure that every member of klal yisroel received a bris, therefore it was punishable by death for Moshe to put off giving his own son a bris milah. (The pasuk writes "lamulos," "cirmcumcisions," in plural to tell us that he was responsible for the whole nation to do this mitzvah of bris milah.)
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Shemos
The pasuk tells us that Moshe Rabbeinu was on the way to the inn and Hashem sought to kill him. Rashi explains that this was because Moshe had not yet given his son Eliezer a bris milah.
The Zera Shimshon says that this is hard to understand, because certainly someone who neglects to himself have a bris milah is punishable by kares, but not giving his son a bris was "just" a failure to perform a mitzvas aseh and not punishable by death!
Bereishis Rabba (49:2) tells us that Avraham Avinu merited to have Moshe Rabbeinu as a descendant because he gave himself a bris. Moshe Rabbeinu's job was not only to save Bnei Yisroel from Mitzrayim, but to ensure they all had a bris milah as well.
Moshe was born in the merit of bris milah, and it was incumbent upon him to make sure that every member of klal yisroel received a bris, therefore it was punishable by death for Moshe to put off giving his own son a bris milah. (The pasuk writes "lamulos," "cirmcumcisions," in plural to tell us that he was responsible for the whole nation to do this mitzvah of bris milah.)
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Shemos
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
The Art of The No
Recently I felt like googling "How to say no to a shadchan so that she'll leave me alone (without burning bridges)." Of course I didn't, even though I'm sure there are plenty of opinion pieces on the web regarding what to include in a "no." I needed a way to get people off my back. I don't feel like I should have to explain to each person exactly why something is not for me or what is going on in my life at the moment to make me say no.
Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?
It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.
Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.
Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!
-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)
-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.
-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.
Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.
"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."
"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."
"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"
That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!
Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?
It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.
Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.
Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!
-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)
-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.
-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.
Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.
"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."
"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."
"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"
That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!
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