Five Weeks Clean and Counting

One night during the time we were dating, I turned to BG and I said, "I think I'm addicted to you." He was flattered, but I didn't really mean it in a good way. I loved the way he made me feel, couldn't stop thinking about him, and never wanted to say goodbye at the end of the night. Yet, I wasn't ever sure that our relationship was a healthy one. Even so, I couldn't stop thinking about him and wanting to spend time with him. We spent way too much time together at the detriment of other important things in our lives. Sounds like an addiction to me.

Quitting cold turkey was extremely hard. Still, I didn't really quit 100%. I haven't talked to him, seen him, spent time with him, or anything like that, but I can't stop myself from thinking about him. Plus, I've talked about him a lot in the last couple of weeks. Some days I've been great. My head's totally clear, I feel really good, I'm so over him. Other days, well, they're not as great. Specific things bring on relapses, and they're sooo frustrating. I find myself bemoaning the fact that I was in such a good place and now I'm back at square one. Thus is life. We win some, we lose some. Small steps forward, some steps backward. It's all part of the process. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

Tonight is our break-up anniversary and I'm feeling surprisingly good...at least about the break-up. It's not really about BG anymore, it's more about missing the amazing feeling of being in a close relationship with someone. That feeling of connection, someone thinking you're their whole world and him being your world. That's what this is about. Being single, or being in the beginning stages of a relationship that you don't see going anywhere, is really hard after feeling what it's like to be in that relationship.

I know I can't hold onto him anymore, it's making my life really hard. I'm trying to let go. So, it's important to recognize these five weeks. It's been five whole weeks since I've spoken to him. That has to be clean enough. Thinking about him or even talking about him doesn't give me a high, it's not the same fix as interacting with him. So ya, it's been five whole clean weeks. Congrats to me.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Or at least that's what they say
How long does it take to kick in though
It certainly doesn't happen in a day

I hit a roadblock
And I'm facing adversity
It leaves me feeling vulnerable
And full of uncertainty

But at some point I know that
This situation will help me
When I face other hardships
It'll be easier to a certain degree

Yet that's only so because it'll mean
I've lost my innocence and naiveté
Things I wish I could've held onto
And not let be torn away

Scar tissue is stronger
I know that that is true
And building strong muscles takes
Pain endurance too

One can't be sheltered his whole life
He needs to go through tough stuff and grow
G-d gives you only what you can handle
This truth you must hold onto and know

The Door Is Jammed

Moving on to the next chapter and trying to close the door,
Yet it refuses to stay shut and defiantly remains ajar.

No matter how hard I try to fill the crack and not let things through,
Thoughts manage to seep in and from all those memories I cannot eschew.

You're still with me in some manner occupying space within my mind,
Now that we've met it feels as if our lives will forever be intertwined.

I said goodbye and want to move on, not hold onto you anymore,
My thoughts though have been captured, prisoners of this war.

Hanging in there and time, that's what will help get me through,
There isn't that much to fix this, any more, that I can do.

Goodbye BG, we're done, and I need to let you go,
Please just send back that part of me that you've got held in escrow.

Will You Be My...Rebound?

The whole concept of a rebound relationship is getting into another relationship too soon (emotionally) after breaking off another significant relationship. In many cases, it's used to mask the emotional pain, have a connection with someone else just to stop feeling vulnerable and alone. With shidduch dating it gets a little more complicated.

I said "no," or rather, "not right now," to the guy who I got a "yes" from about a week after my big break-up. We agreed that if we were both available after he's done finals then we'll go out possibly. Another guy who sounded more on par was on the horizon, but then this boy came up and made it through the vetting process.

So...coming back from my first date post break-up, I know this guy just isn't rebound material. It's a good thing, I'm pretty sure. With him, I'm forced to be Miss Good Girl. Yeah, she's in there somewhere, even if Mr. Ex brought out my super fun party flirty side (even as we were being serious about life). I don't think this guy will last too long, but we do second dates for a reason, right? He's a good guy, nothing's wrong...just too nicey nice and straight to be my type. Can't say no for that reason, can I? Not yet.

I want to date the bad boy, but I don't necessarily want to marry him. Mr. Ex about got that right when he asked me if he could be my boyfriend. Trouble is, that doesn't really work out too well in a shomer negia world, plus it's stupid because I want to get married, not just date. And yet, I don't want to marry Mr. Straight Nicey Nice either. There must be a middle ground here! Just a little shtoltz, not major guyva.

A few years ago, the only other time I dated a guy long enough to actually be able to call it a real relationship, I definitely rebounded after we broke up. What'd I know from rebounds? Two weeks after I broke up with the guy I'd just dated for two months, I went out with this other new guy. I don't think I appreciated it at the time, but he was a dude. I can't remember much about him, aside from the inappropriate comments he made -- I take some responsibility for that I guess -- and that he was a serial dater.

The fact that he was a serial dater probably had what to do with his reaction to me. Here's this guy who dates another girl every weekend, and they all start blurring together. They're all the same after awhile. So then he meets this girl who's totally rebounding and relating to him like she's known him for awhile, and he's flattered so much he thinks that she's the one. I'm not going to go into what happened from there, but take my word for it that it was bad news. Basically, I broke it off after a few dates for a legit reason and he had no clue what hit him.

I get where he was coming from. He takes the girl home and she sits in his car in front of her house and shmoozes for another hour. Heck, I was just used to doing that; it'd become the norm for me. He made some comment about my facial expressions and I challenged him to guess what they all meant. Two Month Guy could read them all, I expected Rebound Guy to do that too for no logical reason. This guy kinda blurred into the other guy, and it really wasn't about Rebound Guy at all. All those feelings, those were about Two Months.

This time around, I'm trying my best not to rebound. I waited almost a full month to date since the break-up, and I've healed a lot. The problem is that this current guy I'm pretty sure knows Mr. Ex, but I only know this because they go to the same yeshiva and other such identifying details. I'm not sure if he knows I dated (read: was in a serious relationship with) his friend, maybe even roommate (?) ... less than a month ago at that. I want to ask, but I was warned against it for so many reasons. Either way, like I said, he's not the rebound type. I don't feel comfortable just being myself and saying whatever whenever. I guess that's a good thing. I guess that means I don't like him. I guess that means I shouldn't waste his time or mine. So, the position's open...will you be my rebound?

On Breaking Up

Just hanging in there...you know, fake it 'til ya make it! I don't really have a choice, do I? It's been hard, but I think it's getting a little easier. Everything reminds me of him, and sometimes I just get this overwhelming sense of sadness and...maybe guilt? These feelings are kind of hard to define. They just make me feel really down and unmotivated. But, it's only been a week and some of that is going away already.

This past week my mind felt like a scratched disk, playing the same "few" scenes over and over, and then there's the fantasizing and daydreams...At least I can just accept it for what it is and know that it's a normal and healthy reaction to this breakup...especially this breakup. It'll take time, but eventually things will get better.

Also, now I'm back to the same stresses as before (ie. work stuff), which is hard in it of itself. While I was preoccupied those stresses didn't really matter at all, now I have to deal with them again, so that's its own thing. Im"yH some other distraction will come up soon, I hope. I don't actually believe that, but I'm trying. Everyone says that I'm so strong and whatever, but I'm just wondering what not being like this would look like? I'd like to try that on for size!

So it's really not major guilt...just like feeling bad for him/not being able to save the world kind of thing, letting it go on as long as it did if it had to end, and just being the catalyst to a myriad of things he then felt comfortable doing/telling me (which all of it of course only makes it harder for me and presumably for him). It's not my fault that he was infatuated with me and so emotionally open he felt comfortable telling it all to me, right?

Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't actually think that therapy would help, though not because I'm shying away from the idea. I'm all for it...mental healthcare is what I do for a living. Yet, I think this is mostly about time and moving on. It's not like I'm stuck on him or can't/don't know how to talk about it. I've talked about it probably to a fault. I've over-analyzed it to the point that I know why we couldn't work and thus don't want to marry him and therefore can't date each other. And like he says, we'd never make it as friends, we like each other too much.

Now it's mostly just about missing him, constantly wanting to share things with him, sensing this gap in my life where he used to be, and feeling like I have a piece of him that I can never give back or share with him ever again. I don't feel so much like he holds a piece of me or is a piece of me. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has to do with that whole me not being sure if I "like him like him" thing. That was a major gift. If I would have been that into him despite my misgivings, it would be a thousand times harder.

It was so awesome having my own personal fan club and savior thing going on, but maybe it wasn't so healthy. I need independent self-esteem. So he thinks that I'm the prettiest girl in the world and a super good person in every way. I'm not going to lie, that felt amazing. However, I need to stand on my own and feel good about myself without someone worshiping me.

It's really really hard. What I'm not going to do is get myself into a rebound situation, it's not worth it. Everyone's pushing me to "get back on the horse" so we'll see how long that lasts! Well, at least I deleted his messages and phone number the night we broke up. I have it written down somewhere, but we talked about deleting each others' numbers, so I'm not tempted to call/text him. It wouldn't be fair to him anyway...I broke up with him technically, so I can't contact him.

It makes me feel awful to say this, but a part of me wishes that we'd have never met in the first place. Things would have been so much less complicated.