Just hanging in there...you know, fake it 'til ya make it! I don't really have a choice, do I? It's been hard, but I think it's getting a little easier. Everything reminds me of him, and sometimes I just get this overwhelming sense of sadness and...maybe guilt? These feelings are kind of hard to define. They just make me feel really down and unmotivated. But, it's only been a week and some of that is going away already.
This past week my mind felt like a scratched disk, playing the same "few" scenes over and over, and then there's the fantasizing and daydreams...At least I can just accept it for what it is and know that it's a normal and healthy reaction to this breakup...especially this breakup. It'll take time, but eventually things will get better.
Also, now I'm back to the same stresses as before (ie. work stuff), which is hard in it of itself. While I was preoccupied those stresses didn't really matter at all, now I have to deal with them again, so that's its own thing. Im"yH some other distraction will come up soon, I hope. I don't actually believe that, but I'm trying. Everyone says that I'm so strong and whatever, but I'm just wondering what not being like this would look like? I'd like to try that on for size!
So it's really not major guilt...just like feeling bad for him/not being able to save the world kind of thing, letting it go on as long as it did if it had to end, and just being the catalyst to a myriad of things he then felt comfortable doing/telling me (which all of it of course only makes it harder for me and presumably for him). It's not my fault that he was infatuated with me and so emotionally open he felt comfortable telling it all to me, right?
Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't actually think that therapy would help, though not because I'm shying away from the idea. I'm all for it...mental healthcare is what I do for a living. Yet, I think this is mostly about time and moving on. It's not like I'm stuck on him or can't/don't know how to talk about it. I've talked about it probably to a fault. I've over-analyzed it to the point that I know why we couldn't work and thus don't want to marry him and therefore can't date each other. And like he says, we'd never make it as friends, we like each other too much.
Now it's mostly just about missing him, constantly wanting to share things with him, sensing this gap in my life where he used to be, and feeling like I have a piece of him that I can never give back or share with him ever again. I don't feel so much like he holds a piece of me or is a piece of me. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has to do with that whole me not being sure if I "like him like him" thing. That was a major gift. If I would have been that into him despite my misgivings, it would be a thousand times harder.
It was so awesome having my own personal fan club and savior thing going on, but maybe it wasn't so healthy. I need independent self-esteem. So he thinks that I'm the prettiest girl in the world and a super good person in every way. I'm not going to lie, that felt amazing. However, I need to stand on my own and feel good about myself without someone worshiping me.
It's really really hard. What I'm not going to do is get myself into a rebound situation, it's not worth it. Everyone's pushing me to "get back on the horse" so we'll see how long that lasts! Well, at least I deleted his messages and phone number the night we broke up. I have it written down somewhere, but we talked about deleting each others' numbers, so I'm not tempted to call/text him. It wouldn't be fair to him anyway...I broke up with him technically, so I can't contact him.
It makes me feel awful to say this, but a part of me wishes that we'd have never met in the first place. Things would have been so much less complicated.
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