Five Weeks Clean and Counting

One night during the time we were dating, I turned to BG and I said, "I think I'm addicted to you." He was flattered, but I didn't really mean it in a good way. I loved the way he made me feel, couldn't stop thinking about him, and never wanted to say goodbye at the end of the night. Yet, I wasn't ever sure that our relationship was a healthy one. Even so, I couldn't stop thinking about him and wanting to spend time with him. We spent way too much time together at the detriment of other important things in our lives. Sounds like an addiction to me.

Quitting cold turkey was extremely hard. Still, I didn't really quit 100%. I haven't talked to him, seen him, spent time with him, or anything like that, but I can't stop myself from thinking about him. Plus, I've talked about him a lot in the last couple of weeks. Some days I've been great. My head's totally clear, I feel really good, I'm so over him. Other days, well, they're not as great. Specific things bring on relapses, and they're sooo frustrating. I find myself bemoaning the fact that I was in such a good place and now I'm back at square one. Thus is life. We win some, we lose some. Small steps forward, some steps backward. It's all part of the process. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

Tonight is our break-up anniversary and I'm feeling surprisingly good...at least about the break-up. It's not really about BG anymore, it's more about missing the amazing feeling of being in a close relationship with someone. That feeling of connection, someone thinking you're their whole world and him being your world. That's what this is about. Being single, or being in the beginning stages of a relationship that you don't see going anywhere, is really hard after feeling what it's like to be in that relationship.

I know I can't hold onto him anymore, it's making my life really hard. I'm trying to let go. So, it's important to recognize these five weeks. It's been five whole weeks since I've spoken to him. That has to be clean enough. Thinking about him or even talking about him doesn't give me a high, it's not the same fix as interacting with him. So ya, it's been five whole clean weeks. Congrats to me.