What A Girl Wants (And What He's Thinking)

There have been many books written regarding the psychological differences between males and females. Although I think most people recognize that men and women are very different, in some ways we sometimes think that the other gender is just a different version of us. Women are not just prettier, weaker men, and men are not egotistic emotionally-blunted women.

Perhaps someone suggests you read R' Aharon Feldman's The River, The Kettle and The Bird when you get engaged. Maybe someone hands you one of John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus books. Yet, all the things you might learn reading this literature is probably helpful for you to understand while you're dating.

Alison Armstrong, author of In Sync With the Opposite Sex, Making Sense of Men, Understanding Women and other such books/workshops writes about how each gender has different realities. Because this is true, and many people don't understand this, we treat the opposite gender based on specific expectations and thus in a way that causes them to treat us poorly. Clearly, this gets in the way of having a mutually satisfying relationship.

For example, Armstrong relates that most men are driven by duty, honor, and obligation. Many women don't understand what this means and assume that men make decisions based on the same things that women do, to avoid someone being mad at them for example, or some other emotional reason. She explains that men want to take care of, make happy, spend time with, contribute to, and protect their women. A man responds to how he's treated, so if a woman stops being receptive or criticizes him, he loses motivation to be her knight. Armstrong proposes that a woman can turn her prince into a frog if she treats him in the way she treats females in her life.

Gray talks about how men and women tally giving and receiving love differently (women want consistent small things not just one big act of caring), how they deal with stress differently (women want to talk about things but when men are stressed they retreat and isolate), among other ideas.

While it is true that not all men are the same or want the same things, and not all women are the same and want the same things, here are some random things that are generally true overall. The following is a sampling of what a girl wants:

• Girls are a lot more sensitive than guys. We want guys to be nice us. What might count as good-natured ribbing with your guy friends doesn't fly with a gal.
• Girls don't really care that much about how "macho" a guy is. Stop trying to impress her with your money, car, status.
• Lies of omission, or just lies period, doesn't go over very well with the ladies. We want honesty.
• Girls want to be important to their man. Make her a priority. She'll probably dwell on it if you don't text her back.
• Girls have a lot more feelings than most guys do, and most of the time she wants to talk about it. She doesn't need a solution, she just wants you to listen and be supportive.
• Generally when a girl is mad, she wants your attention, even if she tells you "I'm fine."

The more we understand the opposite sex, the better we can get along with and support them. If you want to be treated like a queen, treat him like a king (and vice versa).