Communication, Clarity, and Closure

The three C's of dating. They're probably also some of the most important things involved with shidduch dating.

Communication is super super important in all relationships, but especially when you're (shidduch) dating. In the beginning of a relationship, you have little context to understand the other person. It's all very formal and oftentimes stilted. It doesn't lend for an atmosphere where you can be yourself and try to build on natural dynamics, unless both of you agree to date a little out of the box. You don't know what makes the other tick, and you don't have a base from which to anticipate his/her triggers and/or interpret his/her reactions. It's easy to be wrong while making assumptions about what something meant, and it's always helpful to keep in mind that there are probably seven other ways to understand what someone said or did.

Early early on in the dating process really communicating can be tricky, because you don't know the person, so you may not want to share your personal thoughts and feelings with someone you're not sure you trust with them. However, this is the way you build a communicative relationship. It's good practice. Perhaps in the very beginning it's more comfortable to communicate through a third party, but often things get lost in the translation, and you'd be best to bite the bullet and just put out there what you're thinking. If you find that you're not being received well, that's a sign too that things might not work. If you do felt heard, the communication can strengthen your relationship.

When things get hairy, it's a positive practice to talk about it. If you have a question or an issue, address it. You're building a relationship with someone, you need to be able to say what you want or need, or understand something. People don't read minds, and so you need to talk about what's bothering you. It's likely something the other person wasn't even aware of. There are so many differences between people based in gender, personality, culture, etc, that you cannot assume anything. You may be looking at a very different world than the other person. It doesn't mean you can't get along, it just means you need to take some time and work it out together.

Clarity too is really important. It often goes hand in hand with communication. Clarity in dating refers to understanding who someone is and if who s/he is works for you. It's about understanding the dynamics of the relationship and what the other person is saying, thinking, feeling. Sometimes it's about the whys of the relationship -- why something fits or why it doesn't. It's the understanding beyond, "I like you." It speaks to the "Will this work for marriage?" component.

Closure is about what happens after a break-up; can you emotionally close the door on the experience. Sometimes closure is easy, because a relationship really didn't make sense. Sometimes it comes naturally, because you move on quickly with someone you feel like is 'better.' Sometimes it's hard, because you feel like things were left in the middle, there wasn't clarity regarding why it wouldn't work, you know why it wouldn't work but you still really like the person, or you feel like you were wronged. (If you were wronged in a situation, rather than just hurt, it's more difficult to forgive the person and move forward.)

Getting closure when ending a relationship is an art. You want to know that you explored the possibilities, you weren't being hasty, and you're not hurting the other person. Proper break-up etiquette and sharing with each other why it's not going to work is helpful in this regard. You can't always get closure if the other person doesn't want to talk about it, can't explain why they're ending it, or just isn't receptive to what you have to say. Sometimes closure is also unattainable because there are unresolved issues or feelings. Time and moving on helps with this if there's no way to resolve that.

Closure is important, because it helps you to keep going instead of continuing to reread the last chapter of your life over and over. Also, if there's no closure, you might think you want to date the person again when really there's nothing to talk about, but you just didn't gain clear enough clarity or close the door firmly enough.

Communication, communication, clarity, and closure. (Yes, communication belongs there twice!)

Ghoster

You promised me the world
Then took off and ran
Why you left so abruptly
I still don't understand

Maybe you thought you couldn't be
Good enough for me
But it's not about "worthy"
You're great as is - honestly

You threw me away
Like a used plastic bag
I really want closure
But I won't be a nag

I know this has got
Mostly to do with you
But why is it that what we had
You now totally eschew

I don't know where your head is
If you think about me at all
But I still wonder about
What specifically was our eight ball

I'm stuck at getting through the day
With a fake smile on my face
Trying so desperately
This pain to erase

As far as broken records go
This one is stuck the most
I continue to think about you acting,
For all-intents-and-purposes, like a ghost

As much as I can rationally understand
That it isn't anything that I did
It still really hurts that one day we were great
And the next you were totally off the grid

Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part
That you'll contact me one day
But without some sort of ending
Closure for me is faraway

Perhaps it will take another
Who will take your place in my heart
But even then I will wonder
What caused you to depart

Where are you now
And where are you headed
How will I extract this piece of you from within me
Where it is so deeply embedded

How is it that you
Affected me so
But you could simply, without goodbye,
Head out and just go

Do you think about me at all
Remember what we had
Or doesn't your life leave room for that
Are things really that bad

You were the one to start all this
To say all these things that I believed
Why is it that now I'm the one
That is left feeling so aggrieved

Am I ever going to know
What went through your head
Am I ever going to know
Why it is you fled?

Breakup Etiquette

While some people need alcohol to be themselves on a date, my friends joke that I probably need all my inhibitions to behave. If someone buys me an alcoholic beverage, he might get more than he bargained for. It will actually probably be fun, but once upon a time when a date got me a Jack and Coke, it emboldened me to break up with the fellow. I can't remember the details, but I'm sure it was probably in motion already at the time. Without the Jack I likely would have just discontinued the shidduch through the shadchan. (It was a beginning date. The discussion regarding communication and at what point you should break up in person rather than through a shadchan will follow.)

There are many different things to take into the equation regarding how to break-up. Personally, I feel like one of the worse things you can do is blindside someone. It's insensitive to take a girl on a long date, have a really nice time together, say nothing to her when dropping her off (or even tell her "I had a nice time") and then tell the shadchan you do not want to see her again.

Communication is super important to me. I will often have a conversation with a guy (after reaching a certain point in a shidduch) about how it's difficult to put ourselves out there and try to build a relationship when we know that either one of us can go back to the shadchan and end it any time. I find it's more helpful when trying to build a personal connection with someone to suggest that after this point there will a discussion about why it won't work if either of us decide to end it.

I know that not everyone dates like I do, and for some it's more comfortable to break-up through the shadchan. It can be more hurtful to hear it straight from someone rather than through a third party. However, because of this previously mentioned blindsiding problem, this is not always a good solution.

Generally the rule is that if you are communicating directly and have dropped the shadchan, you cannot go back to the shadchan and ask him/her to do your dirty work. It's also disrespectful to the person that you're dating. Even if you have not yet dropped the shadchan, perhaps it is still the right thing to let the other person know that you don't think things are going to work. It's a case by case thing, and you need to use your intuition.

Break-up speeches can also make or break the relationship. Be nice, be polite, and you don't have talk about every single thing you think went wrong. The shidduch might be over, but you don't have to ruin what you did have or walk away with a bad taste in your mouth. Sometimes it is helpful to discuss what doesn't work, because it will be beneficial to know why you won't want to revisit the idea in the future. Comprehensive break-up talks are also constructive in terms of closure. I'm all about closure, but I'll tackle that another time perhaps.

People often get paralyzed and don't know what to say when they're breaking-up with someone. One dude told me, "In all my dating I haven't met anyone who had the whole package like you, yada yada yada (a little elaboration here). I just don't think it'll work marriage-wise." After I told him I understood and no sweat, he started his speech all over again. I know he felt bad or perhaps stupid for walking away, but, really, why is it my job to placate you when you're breaking-up with me?!

Often people will go with the "It's not you, it's me," line, but that really means nothing. If you don't know what to say, try something sincere. I generally attempt to find something really great about the person and compliment him about it as a means to take the sting out of the breakup. Here's a depiction of how something like that would go: In our example, the guy I'm breaking up with is someone who's extremely refined and very sensitive. Maybe I appreciate this, maybe I don't, but either way, "You're really an amazing person, and I know the right girl will genuinely appreciate your refinement and sensitivity." In that sense I don't have to say that it's something I don't necessarily value, I compliment him on something I know he holds as something that's fundamental to who he is, and I give him hope for the future. Win win.

You obviously need to tweak the wording and the formula a bit to fit your situation, because breakup lines should not sound contrived. Canned lines are more of an insult than anything else. If you can't even speak from the heart to break-up with me, then was our relationship worth anything?

Heartbreaker or Heartbroken: Which Side Is Harder?

Is it harder to break up with someone or to have someone break up with you?

The context obviously makes a big difference here. If the situation is one in which you have only just met the person and you're operating on a superficial level, or there was little to no connection/chemistry, neither is probably that difficult. Sure, you may feel bad if the other person had feelings for you, and/or was very positive about the shidduch, but at the end of the day, it's just not that hard to say goodbye to someone you shared little with. (If there is hurt here, it would be the losing what the shidduch represented rather than the person himself/herself.)

In cases of longer stints, if you know that someone likes you and you don't like him/her, it may be harder to be the heartbreaker, because if the other party ends things, you probably won't be that broken up. On the flip-side of that, if you like someone and s/he doesn't like you, I'm not sure which would be harder. You almost don't want the person to continue dating you if you know s/he's not into it, so you might rather him/her break it off, but maybe it gives you a sense of empowerment to be the one to call it quits.

I was once dating someone, and things were a bit ambiguous. We got along great, but we had some major hashkafa questions. When push came to shove, because we weren't sure about things, he decided that was enough of a reason to break up. (I should mention that he was happy to continue dating forever, but I sort of forced his hand by inquiring what we were "up to" and wanting a direction/tachlis for our dating.) He suggested we take a break (indefinitely), in other words, break up and keep the option open of revisiting things. (Tangentially, revisiting is always an option, regardless if you outline that when you part ways or not. It makes things harder when you do say it, because you then keep this person in the back of your mind, and it's harder to move on. But maybe that's just me and my need for closure.) Either way, ultimately, he made me feel like I was breaking up with him, or at the very least like it was mutual. I think he thought he was being nice by giving me that empowerment. 

When you find yourself in a serious relationship in which both of you thought things were going somewhere, this is obviously the most difficult scenario. If you break things off, you may end up feeling really awful about what you did to the other person, second guessing your decision, feeling like you created your own unhappiness, or a whole slew of other emotional repercussions. In this case being the heartbreaker still leaves you heartbroken. The other side of that coin is feeling jilted and angry. However, that anger is almost better than just the lonely sad and perhaps guilty feeling of scenario one. 

In one of my serious relationships, I called it quits at the end of round one. I remember feeling really bad about it for awhile afterward. At the end of round two, he ended up picking up that break-up, although we both agreed marriage was not in the cards for us, and the break-up was mutual. I guess we were just not in agreement when the break-up should happen, or maybe it was the fact that he was engaged a little over two months later. He was good about making sure we were both ready to part ways and move on, had the clarity and closure we both needed, but still I think I felt differently than round one. 

For sure in the scenario with the dude I was almost engaged to, in which he changed his mind out of the blue refusing to give any explanation and then got engaged five weeks later, anger helped me there. Had I listened to all the pink/red flags and been the one to break up with him instead of the other way around, I think it would have taken me a lot longer to get over him than it did this way.

Bottomline, break-ups are difficult no matter which way they break. So, please remember a little break-up etiquette. 

Smart Ways to Date

If you've been dating for awhile, you probably know what does and doesn't work for you in negotiating a relationship. Hopefully you know how to successfully navigate the playing field, or maybe you don't, and perhaps these insights will come in handy.

As always, I'm going to start with a caveat: no one thing works for everyone. You have to know yourself, and obviously differently people operate differently. Here are just a few random tips that I've picked up along the way.

▶︎ I've seen it where people get so paralyzed by "I'm not sure if I really like this person! Maybe I should stop dating him/her." Perhaps because of the desperation factor for many, they may keep dating someone they should have let go a long time ago. On the flip side, people may break up too quickly, because there is something superficial that is bothering them.

There is no timeline. Dating someone is not commitment to marriage.  The only commitment in saying "yes" to go out again is the commitment of one more date. Instead of dating with the mindset of "Do I want to marry this person?" In the beginning, try working with, "Do I want to spend more time with this person?" If the idea of sharing another couple hours with your date is appealing, go for it. If it isn't, you need to ask yourself very seriously why not and if you should still be going out.

▶︎ Don't be afraid to be vulnerable, and let the other person know what you're thinking. It's always a positive practice to communicate effectively. Shidduch dating can be stressful, especially when there's a third party go-between that is micromanaging the relationship. Being open and honest with each other is extremely important toward building a healthy relationship. If you have an issue with something that happened or something that is going on, talk about it. Keep things simple; say what you feel, and don't beat around the bush. (And IMHO here, things work a lot better when you communicate directly to set up dates. You're both adults; you can handle it.)

▶︎ Don't assume people will change. What you see is what you get. Your date is not your project; you cannot, and should not, try to fix, change, or domesticate someone. Every person needs to be individually responsible for treating the other right, being accountable, committing, and staying connected. One of you can't carry the relationship alone. If you're uncomfortable with things each other do while you're dating, or your relationship dynamic, it's a red flag. These things don't change after you get married.  

▶︎ Throw out your "list," and stop vetting your dates against what you are "looking for." That's fine to do while you are evaluating whether or not you want to go out with said individual, but once you're already dating him/her, stop trying to check off boxes. Does it feel right? Do you share the same values? The person you end up marrying may not match that picture you had in your head all your life, and that's okay! (Also, stop comparing him/her to other people you've dated. It's not helpful.)

▶︎ It's always a good idea when you're ending a relationship to define why. If you had a good run, even if you didn't date each other that long, but you got emotionally involved, try to talk things out and clarify what happened. It will help you later if you have thoughts about trying again. More on communication, clarity and closure another time.

▶︎ Pay attention to what people who have your best interests at heart are saying about who you are in the relationship you're in. It's always possible that some people won't "get" the person you're dating. If it's a personal preference type thing, feel free to ignore; however, that's totally different than people saying that they don't like who you've become, or they get bad vibes about the guy/girl. It's usually nearly impossible to be objective, so that feedback is important.  

On Connection and Rejection

If this is hope, then what is despair? Is it this? They say that the only direction when you're at rock bottom is up...

My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.

Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.

I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.

When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...

In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.

Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.

Rejection

If you google the word "rejection," you'll come up with some mighty interesting facts about this phenomenon. This TED talk makes a case for practicing emotional first aid, treating the damage that rejection wreaks: casualties to one's mood and self-esteem, intolerance for criticism, and how it destabilizes our need to belong. The same psychologist writes an article for Psychology Today claiming that the emotional pain that rejection elicits "piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain," so much so that "Tylenol reduces the emotional pain that rejection causes." He also proposes that rejection "temporarily lowers our IQ" and it "does not respond to reason," often "sending us on a mission to seek and destroy our own self-esteem."

There are theories about about how this need for belonging is rooted in the human "hunter-gatherer" past in which acceptance within a tribe was necessary for survival. And, other research by psychology professor Arthur Aron (and colleagues), known for his work on intimacy in interpersonal relationships (most famous for his 36 Questions experiment), suggests that rejection hurts so much because when people are in close relationships, their sense of self becomes intertwined with their partner's.

Obviously there are different levels of rejection based upon the situation. Dating has given me the opportunity to experience the gamut from both sides of the fence. With regard to which is harder, being rejected or rejecting someone else, perhaps I'll think on that one and get back to y'all on that. However, there is an important insight that I've picked up in my travels that I'd like to share.

Dating isn't a chessed. Rejection isn't personal, and it really just means that the relationship wouldn't work in the long run. You can't keep dating someone just because you feel bad to hurt him/her should you break it off. It may hurt regardless, but it will hurt a lot more when the rejection comes later in the game. Because of the uniqueness of our system, the focused way we date, should we recognize that a relationship would not thrive marriage-wise, it's not a "nice" or "positive" thing to string it along. Of course there are better and worse ways to break it off, but continuing once someone has that clarity defeats the purpose. (Going on another date or having a conversation with the person to clarify and/or help the other person gain closure falls within the realm of "better ways" to break it off. Remember that it's still a person you're dealing with and just because "these are the rules to the 'game,'" it's still real life and you still need to treat people nicely and with middos and respect.)

If you can wrap your head around that fact that a rejection is not personal and at some point it probably would have been you breaking up with the person had s/he not done it at this point, it's easier to put things into perspective. We need to consciously be aware of the narratives we create about an experience. It's easy to blame yourself and say something like, "I did/am something wrong. S/he thinks badly of me, etc." Another way to see it might be, "There was a miscommunication/lack of communication, and in the future, with the right person, we'll be able to get through these type of things and be better off for it."

It's so important to promote resilience in the face of pain. Your worth is not tied up in the person who walked away from you. Remember, if s/he can't appreciate who you are, you deserve to be with someone who does. People are different and don't value the same things. In a simple example, it's like telling an objectively really good-looking person that s/he isn't "your look." The person deserves to be with someone who thinks s/he is gorgeous. If it can't be you, then you shouldn't be with him/her. Let the person walk away who doesn't want you, s/he isn't rejecting you, s/he's rejecting the aspect that wouldn't work in a marriage. You don't want that relationship anyway; s/he just has that clarity now, and you would have come to it at some point.

Let's Break It Down: Why Breakups Hurt So Much

Okay, yes, it's intuitive that a breakup will probably hurt. How long you dated someone, your feelings for this person, the intensity of the relationship, how much a part of your life your ex was, etc., all play a role in how much the breakup, and getting over this person, will hurt.

Being dumped or being the dumper will probably also play a role in how you may feel after a breakup. I explore this more here. Rejection has its own science as to why it hurts, and being on that end speaks to self-esteem consequences and one's belonging needs.

In my post, Solving For "S," I explore how creating a relationship (and being in a relationship) engenders various "feel good" chemicals. When you're in a long-term relationship your body develops a tolerance for these hormones and those feelings become your norm. When you dissolve that relationship, you are for all intents and purposes yanking those chemicals off your neural receptors. You go from a high to a low fairly quickly, and so a breakup can be compared to withdrawing from cocaine addiction.

Think about too how emotional pain isn't just emotional; it can become physical. Emotional pain piggybacks on the brain's physical pain pathways, and as I write about in my rejection post linked above, Dr. Guy Winch cites a study which supports this truth by suggesting that Tylenol can decrease emotional pain. Additionally, like any other stress, breakups cause a surge in adrenaline and cortisol, which causes increased blood pressure, nausea, accelerated heart rate, decreased appetite, trouble sleeping, and increased irritability.

There are probably several other fun facts (and factoids) regarding the science behind why breakups hurt so much, but as I do best, I'm going to put in my personal take here.

After various serious breakups I remember feeling so down that I felt like I was never going to be happy again. Sometimes it can take awhile for me to feel back to myself, for me to feel clearheaded and stop thinking about the ex in question every second of every day, for me to get back to my day-to-day and move on with my life.

There is definitely a sense of loss that contributes to this feeling. A breakup is losing someone who played a big role in your life. Depending on the relationship, this loss can be more or less great. There is also the loss of the relationship and what that meant, whether that just means the concept of it or specific things about the relationship. Perhaps being in a relationship made you feel special, safe, taken care of, like everything else was a little bit more manageable with this person on your team, whatever. It's all gone.

There's the not being able to talk to this person too. It's especially hard when this was the person you shared everything with, the person that you called first when you wanted to share or talk about something, the person that maybe you texted throughout the day about every random thing that happened... (You could stay friends, sure, but this complicates things and doesn't let you get over each other. In this day and age it's so easy to digitally stalk someone and keep tabs on him/her, which also lends itself to not being able move on. In the sixth paragraph of this post I call upon Samara O'Shea's work to talk about how to apply your efforts to get over someone and stop the overanalyzing and cyberstalking.)

Questioning what could have been or if you made the right choice is also another aspect of why breakups are so hard. I've been known to ride relationships all the way to the end in attempts to give them a fair shot, get clarity and closure. When I cut and run too early in attempts to not get in over my head (or really heart), I'm left with so many "what ifs." I obviously have reasons for calling it quits and following a gut feeling that it won't work in the long run, but in those cases it's probably a given that I'm going to give it another run, if the other person wants to as well, sometime in the future, and go around again... Who knows, perhaps some future permutation of this might actually bear fruit and there will be a reason why I'll have tortured myself like this.

And then there's the feeling/being single again after a breakup. Going back onto the battlefield, back into battle. Dealing with shadchanim and people throwing names at you. Having to look into people and deciding why yes to date them. Networking. Going on awkward first dates. Having to try to build new relationships. All that fun stuff...

Uggh, breaking down, having to start from scratch... (shake it off like an Etch-A-Sketch)

What Sets Someone Apart As a "Good Shadchan"

Throughout my dating career, I've dealt with many different types of shadchanim, be them amateurs just getting their feet wet, friends or family members that had a shidduch idea and were acting as a go-between, or career shadchanim that are at any time working multiple matches.

There are a few basic rules that I feel anybody setting a couple up should abide by. First and foremost, you must be reachable! Once you set a shidduch in motion, you cannot drop the ball. I've been in situations where a shadchan didn't get back to me until two weeks after a date. I'd reached out to her multiple times in those two weeks, and she just didn't respond. Granted, in that scenario, I had called her immediately following the date and expressed my horror regarding how the guy had acted. She apparently didn't feel like she needed to follow up after having spoken to him, because there would be no second date. However, I needed the closure -- just a short phone call, text, or email letting me know what happened (and as I eventually found out, there was a "his side to the story," but it was too little too late).

In a similar situation, a friend's husband had set me up with a friend of his while I was in their city for the day. We had a fairly good meeting. It was supposed to be an hour --tops-- coffee date, and we ended up stretching it to a little over two. We had gone into the date saying that we would meet, and if we both thought it had potential, we would exchange resumes/profiles and take it from there. Following the date, we both said we had enjoyed each others' company and we were interested in proceeding. To me this meant that we would continue dating and we could "do research" about the other person while we did this. I waited for about a week before my friend's husband got back to me (I had to chase him down). He said, "Someone else in his city came up in the mean time, so I guess that means he doesn't want to pursue this right now." You really made me wait a week to tell me he's not interested? To this day I'm not sure if my friend's husband made up that response to try to "soften the blow" that he didn't want to date me, or what. Just be upfront, be honest, and please be timely! I could have been pursuing something/someone else that whole week.

The best case scenario is when the shadchan touches base with the girl within a few hours following the date, or the next morning. It's protocol for the shadchan to talk to the guy first. If he doesn't get in touch, then as the shadchan, reach out to him and find out what he thought and if he wants to go out again. Then, call the girl.

Especially if the couple hasn't exchanged phone numbers, it's important for the shadchan to be accessible in the scenario the guy or girl is going to be late, gets lost, or can't seem to find the location where they're meeting.

A good shadchan is on top of times, locations, and other logistical details. I've been in situations where, for whatever reason, the shadchan told one of us the wrong time, and either the guy came to pick me up fifteen minutes early (poor parents, they had to entertain him, because I was not ready), or he was waiting for me in a hotel lobby for a half hour, because the shadchan never updated me on a time change.

It is possible for a go-between to "ruin" a shidduch. I can't remember exactly what went down in this particular case, but I do know that there was a situation in which there was a misunderstanding regarding who was traveling for the date. In the end, I think I just gave in and went to him (even though I  think I had traveled for the last two dates as well), but not without some resentment. The whole situation could have been avoided had there been better communication and the shadchan not assumed anything, nor told either one of us what the other had "said," as neither of us had said any such thing. This wasn't the reason we ultimately broke up, but it sure colored it for both of us.

Another aspect of open communication is, despite how uncomfortable it may be, to extend the courtesy of letting someone know if your suggestion declined interest in going out altogether. Meaning, if you mention an idea to someone, letting him know that you're redting the suggestion, and consequently the other party says s/he isn't interested, it's a nice practice to let the other person know this so he isn't wondering what's going on.

On a different note, I understand why a shadchan would "push" a shidduch, because admittedly, sometimes singles have stupid hangups and they need to be encouraged. Encouraged, not coerced! A good shadchan will help a single explore what's holding her back or turning her off. Sometimes one (more) date isn't a bad idea, but sometimes it is! There's enough internal pressure and desperation as it is, so please don't try to force anything.

Feedback is also crucial in a shidduch. There's one shadchan that I've worked with multiple times, and he always asks for feedback following a date. Sometimes it's annoying, because I don't always have feedback to share after a first or second date, or I don't really want to outline why I don't think the guy is for me, but it's helpful in other situations, especially when he shares the feedback from the guy.

As an aside, that's one of the positives in shidduch dating. Despite it making the relationship a little more superficial, there's a way to know what the other person is thinking/feeling about the relationship before you feel familiar enough to have that conversation with the person himself. It can be helpful in multiple ways.

Being a shadchan is sometimes a thankless job, especially when you spend a lot of time trying to convince people to go out and they don't want to/never "say yes" to your ideas. Sometimes you don't know what's right and how to proceed. I obviously don't have answers for that, but I do think that some of the things mentioned in this post can help pave the way for those shidduchim that do make it to first base, er, I mean first date.