I don't wanna know what every ex is up to; I don't want their lives rubbed in my face. I've gotten over them and moved on, but when they have a whole life –– a wife and a family –– to show for it, and I'm still about stuck in the same place they each left me, in that domain of my life, it hurts. (It doesn't matter how many people I've dated since them, how many other serious relationships I've been in, I'm still just as single.)
I know it's not my fault or anything I've done, I know that success in life isn't measured by life stage or marital status, but it's embarrassing and sad, and I feel like it could seem to onlookers like I am, or have done something, wrong.
We so often get caught up gauging accomplishment and progress by all the wrong things. We see all that is skin-deep and superficial. We classify by externalities and facade. I find myself having to remind myself that someone isn't better off just because s/he's married. The marriage could be terrible.
G-d has a plan for everyone, and no matter how frustrating not knowing what happens next, I trust that He knows what He's doing. I'm just working on trying to not let the past interfere with my now. I just don't appreciate being haunted by a mention of an ex and what he's currently up to.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
To Be A Shadchan
Last week's Hamodia Weekly Magazine featured an article written by a girl in shidduchim.
"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."
So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.
Why is that?
Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."
I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.
"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."
So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.
Why is that?
Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."
I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Filters and Fine Lines
The more right-wing someone grew up, the more they've probably been taught that the secular world is "bad," "not what we do," or just stam to be avoided. Even though we hold the truth of "Chachma b'goyim taamin," so much of the time the baby gets thrown out with the bathwater.
As people grow up and hopefully begin to think for themselves, understand life from a stance of critical thought and not just mindless inculcation, they can start taking in experiences from life outside of our insular society and filter what to let in and what to keep out.
Don't get me wrong, there is something beautiful about insularity and the ability to uphold and protect strict boundaries. As an impressionable child perhaps this is necessary, this obstruction of exposure to most ideas (be them within secular media or simply people's appearance and behaviors on the street) outside Judaism. Yet, as we become adults and learn who we are and foster our individual connection with Hashem and Yiddishkeit, some of these boundaries shift.
Sometimes, like I've mentioned multiple times in these pages, it's about disengagement. But, often there is this "natural evolution of decay," ie. once we leave a structured environment where we were focused on learning and growing, we slowly let go of it if it isn't serving its purpose –– especially if it seems to be bringing pain.
Perhaps within a family structure where others' ruchniyus is being affected as well, we might avoid certain questionable media or the like. It's easy to convince ourselves that since we don't have that right now, it's okay, for now. Maybe it is; maybe it isn't. I'm not making a call on that. I'm just trying to explore the rationale. (The longer someone is single, the longer s/he has to let this fester and stretch.)
When where I feel most successful, at work or anywhere outside the structure that makes me feel like I don't belong, becomes where I want my mindset to be, that could get sticky. What if that's a secular environment and I'm surrounded by people with morals so different than my own? That will probably affect the way I see things after awhile.
I can still remember attending a friend's Chanukah party a few years back. I didn't know most of the people she invited, all different types of girls from different aspects of her life. They were all frum Bais Yaakov girls though. I recall being appalled when one girl was saying that she would love to have a holiday bush or tree, because it's "so within the holiday spirit." "It doesn't have to be a Christmas tree," she said, "But who really cares anyway? It's just cute." I don't know her, so I don't have any idea where that was coming from, but do we really need to look to the outside world for celebration ideas? We have so many of our own holidays!
And yet, there are the things that perhaps are rejected simply because they weren't founded within a Torah society, but can definitely be beneficial. Various hobbies, therapy or support groups, even clean movies and music can all be wholesome and useful. There is definitely a fine line, and that line is in a different place for everyone, but we need not lose sight of what we can gain if we can take what we like and leave the rest.
As people grow up and hopefully begin to think for themselves, understand life from a stance of critical thought and not just mindless inculcation, they can start taking in experiences from life outside of our insular society and filter what to let in and what to keep out.
Don't get me wrong, there is something beautiful about insularity and the ability to uphold and protect strict boundaries. As an impressionable child perhaps this is necessary, this obstruction of exposure to most ideas (be them within secular media or simply people's appearance and behaviors on the street) outside Judaism. Yet, as we become adults and learn who we are and foster our individual connection with Hashem and Yiddishkeit, some of these boundaries shift.
Sometimes, like I've mentioned multiple times in these pages, it's about disengagement. But, often there is this "natural evolution of decay," ie. once we leave a structured environment where we were focused on learning and growing, we slowly let go of it if it isn't serving its purpose –– especially if it seems to be bringing pain.
Perhaps within a family structure where others' ruchniyus is being affected as well, we might avoid certain questionable media or the like. It's easy to convince ourselves that since we don't have that right now, it's okay, for now. Maybe it is; maybe it isn't. I'm not making a call on that. I'm just trying to explore the rationale. (The longer someone is single, the longer s/he has to let this fester and stretch.)
When where I feel most successful, at work or anywhere outside the structure that makes me feel like I don't belong, becomes where I want my mindset to be, that could get sticky. What if that's a secular environment and I'm surrounded by people with morals so different than my own? That will probably affect the way I see things after awhile.
I can still remember attending a friend's Chanukah party a few years back. I didn't know most of the people she invited, all different types of girls from different aspects of her life. They were all frum Bais Yaakov girls though. I recall being appalled when one girl was saying that she would love to have a holiday bush or tree, because it's "so within the holiday spirit." "It doesn't have to be a Christmas tree," she said, "But who really cares anyway? It's just cute." I don't know her, so I don't have any idea where that was coming from, but do we really need to look to the outside world for celebration ideas? We have so many of our own holidays!
And yet, there are the things that perhaps are rejected simply because they weren't founded within a Torah society, but can definitely be beneficial. Various hobbies, therapy or support groups, even clean movies and music can all be wholesome and useful. There is definitely a fine line, and that line is in a different place for everyone, but we need not lose sight of what we can gain if we can take what we like and leave the rest.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
🐠 Just Keep Swimming 🐠
If the world is an ocean
Where is my oar
In want of a life vest
Tossed head over heels relentlessly
Struggling to catch a breath
Saltwater on my face
The sea glitters teasingly around me
Am I meant to just keep swimming
And they said the Titanic was unsinkable
But the waves never quit kissing the shoreline
Even as they're sent away again and again
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Clap Along If You Feel Like Happiness is the Truth
What is happiness? How do we access it? Is it really as elusive as we sometimes feel it is?
Perhaps happiness is like a liquid; its form takes the shape of its container. Maybe it is different for everyone, or does it generally feel the same to all, just triggered and sustained differently for each individual? And, is it possible to be happy even when you feel like you're lacking something so integral to your contentment?
There is a ton of research out there on what happiness is, how to find it, and how to maintain it. After all, everyone wants to be happy and feel good. And that leads us to a basic understanding of happiness. It is an emotion –– an emotional and mental state of well-being defined by a pleasant feeling that ranges from basic contentment to intense joy.
We know that "happiness" is not necessarily about feeling good all the time. The ups and downs are what allow us to feel true happiness. You can only feel genuine joy if you have something to compare it to. It's about the mountains and valleys of life –– the accomplishments, the successes, that are born from struggle.
In saying as much, happiness seems to be a satisfaction with one's life. It isn't about money (beyond freedom from financial worry and enough to live comfortably and perhaps indulge every now and then). It's mostly not about anything material actually. Happy, winner of a handful of Best Documentary and Audience Choice awards portrays that some of the happiest people in the world live by simple simple means. Additionally, I don't know a statistic, but it's a known fact that some of the richest people are the most unhappy. It isn't about what we have per se, but how we understand and process it.
Not surprisingly, your genes, environmental factors (like life circumstances and things that happen to and around you), social relationships, accomplishments, etc., all affect your happiness. As does your way of thinking. Psychologists suggest that much of your happiness is under your personal control. Taking care of yourself, challenging yourself, setting and meeting goals, maintaining close social connections, and finding purpose beyond yourself are all ways that you can increase your life satisfaction and be happier.
Perhaps happiness is like a liquid; its form takes the shape of its container. Maybe it is different for everyone, or does it generally feel the same to all, just triggered and sustained differently for each individual? And, is it possible to be happy even when you feel like you're lacking something so integral to your contentment?
There is a ton of research out there on what happiness is, how to find it, and how to maintain it. After all, everyone wants to be happy and feel good. And that leads us to a basic understanding of happiness. It is an emotion –– an emotional and mental state of well-being defined by a pleasant feeling that ranges from basic contentment to intense joy.
We know that "happiness" is not necessarily about feeling good all the time. The ups and downs are what allow us to feel true happiness. You can only feel genuine joy if you have something to compare it to. It's about the mountains and valleys of life –– the accomplishments, the successes, that are born from struggle.
In saying as much, happiness seems to be a satisfaction with one's life. It isn't about money (beyond freedom from financial worry and enough to live comfortably and perhaps indulge every now and then). It's mostly not about anything material actually. Happy, winner of a handful of Best Documentary and Audience Choice awards portrays that some of the happiest people in the world live by simple simple means. Additionally, I don't know a statistic, but it's a known fact that some of the richest people are the most unhappy. It isn't about what we have per se, but how we understand and process it.
Not surprisingly, your genes, environmental factors (like life circumstances and things that happen to and around you), social relationships, accomplishments, etc., all affect your happiness. As does your way of thinking. Psychologists suggest that much of your happiness is under your personal control. Taking care of yourself, challenging yourself, setting and meeting goals, maintaining close social connections, and finding purpose beyond yourself are all ways that you can increase your life satisfaction and be happier.
Perhaps you think happiness lies in finding your spouse –– someone to share your life with, someone to connect with, take care of, someone to take care of you. You might even understand that your spouse won't be your everything, but this close connection with someone will certainly cause those feel good chemicals in your brain to proliferate. You wouldn't be wrong.
Speaking of which, there are four known natural chemicals that contribute to someone feeling happy: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins ("DOSE").
Dopamine is neurotransmitter, which means that it is responsible for transmitting messages in your brain. It is important for many things in your brain, but for our intents and purposes, it's the chemical we talk about when we say things like "pleasure or motivation pathways." It's about reward and reinforcement, the thing that makes things that we like feel good.
Oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle hormone," is triggered when you feel close to another person. It doesn't have to be physical closeness, although physical touch does release oxytocin. Emotional connectedness, eye contact, attentiveness, social bonding, and the like all create oxytocin too.
Serotonin is most associated with mood. Like dopamine, it is a neurotransmitter that relays signals between neurons. It plays major roles in one's mood, feelings of anxiety, and happiness. Mood altering drugs like Ecstasy and LSD are known to tremendously increase levels of serotonin in one's brain. Serotonin is also known to be directly related to depression. In fact, the most popular antidepressants are SSRI's –– selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Other medications that treat depression work on serotonin in other ways. (Despite understanding the association of mood and serotonin, scientists do not yet know precisely how they work, and we are still unable to measure levels of serotonin in the brain.)
Serotonin plays an important role in how we feel, and there are many natural ways to boost one's serotonin levels. Mood induction, altering one's thoughts, either through psychotherapy or self-help, can increase levels of serotonin (it seems like the interaction between serotonin function and mood is a two-way relationship). Natural light is another thing known to increase serotonin synthesis and help with mood. Exercise has an antidepressant effect too, and some research has suggested that it can increase brain serotonin function. Healthy nutrition and eating foods that have higher levels of tryptophan could be linked to improved mood and cognition, possibly due to increased serotonin levels.
Lastly, endorphins are hormones that are responsible for masking pain or discomfort, as they are associated with our "fight or flight" reflex. They are said to be like morphine, reducing pain and increasing positive feelings. Endorphins are released during exercise and other strenuous acts, in response to physical or emotional pain, and triggered by eating, drinking, connecting with others, and other pleasurable activities.
So yes, of the four "feel good chemicals," a close loving relationship would probably increase all. However, there are other ways to trigger them as well. Fostering other close social relationships is a good example. You can be happy without a relationship, even if it's more difficult. You just have to work a little harder.
Happiness is contentment. Happiness is letting go what you think should have been and accepting what is. Happiness is living for the moment. Happiness is accomplishing a long awaited goal. Happiness is having a purpose. Happiness is loving and being loved. Happiness is being motivated to do what I need to to feel good about myself. Happiness is recognizing that what I'm chasing was within me all along. Happiness is having a real friend who cares. Happiness is curling up by a fireplace on a cold snowy day with someone you love. Happiness is watching someone else experience something you love for the first time and the look of appreciation on his face. Happiness is driving along the highway with the windows down on a perfect spring day. Happiness is when someone returns your genuine smile and you know you made his day. Happiness is when you can focus on all the good things you have in life. Happiness is a choice.
Happiness is contentment. Happiness is letting go what you think should have been and accepting what is. Happiness is living for the moment. Happiness is accomplishing a long awaited goal. Happiness is having a purpose. Happiness is loving and being loved. Happiness is being motivated to do what I need to to feel good about myself. Happiness is recognizing that what I'm chasing was within me all along. Happiness is having a real friend who cares. Happiness is curling up by a fireplace on a cold snowy day with someone you love. Happiness is watching someone else experience something you love for the first time and the look of appreciation on his face. Happiness is driving along the highway with the windows down on a perfect spring day. Happiness is when someone returns your genuine smile and you know you made his day. Happiness is when you can focus on all the good things you have in life. Happiness is a choice.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis
Someone sent this to me, and I had to repost it. Go ahead and click on the link; take a few minutes to read Rochel Spangenthal's "Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis." It won't disappoint.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
When Your Nisayon is So Overt
Purim is one of my favorite chagim. I love everything creative and crafty, and I always have a lot of fun coming up with and executing a theme for my mishloach manos and related Purim festivities.
This year while I was brainstorming, I ran a few ideas past some people. I wanted to base the shalach manos on the idea of "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone who has vodka, and make a party." I thought it could be cute and classy at the same time. Lemonade in a glass bottle, lemons, and a vodka mini. A poem about how the Jews at the time of Purim had lemons, found their way to make lemonade, and ended up having a party.
My idea got shot down right away. "You cannot do that! It will make you seem like a bitter older single!"
Sigh. Doesn't everyone have their struggles in life? Just because mine is so apparent, does it have to mean that I'm bitter if I make reference to life and life's struggles? Would it be different if the shalach manos was coming from someone who had a diagnosis no one knew about and it seemed like s/he was just referring to the Purim story and life in general? Do people really assume that I think my life is so "sour" if I reference trying to make the best of a hard situation?
Perhaps this is part of the challenge –– the fact that everyone knows about it, assumes that it's hard, expects us to be sad, making assumptions how we feel. Don't get me wrong –– "hard," "sad," "challenge" –– they've all been thought about in relation to this stage in life, but does everything I do have to be connected with it? Being single isn't my only piece of identity, only reason behind everything I do. Yet, this is what happens when your nisayon is so overt.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)