I was talking to a bunch of singles recently, and the overwhelming sentiment I was hearing over and over was how we all just feel so stuck. Each Rosh Hashana we daven, we think we do a good job storming the heavens letting G-d know that we really want to be connected to Him, that we really feel like we need to get married, and yet, we're still in the same place year after year, unattached and uninspired.
We've all but backed away a little bit. There is only so many times that you can ask the same thing with the same kind of intensity and not feel dejected when it doesn't bear fruit. We withdraw and numb ourselves from pain. When we feel like we don't belong, we distance ourselves. Let's be real, is there a place for singles in the frum community? Yiddishkeit is so much about family life (and rightfully so), so without a family, it's harder to feel motivated to stay part of all this.
There are so many levels here, but let's first talk about how when someone lets his challenge define him, he is likely to feel high levels of false guilt and shame, and he is more likely to disengage, cease caring, and stop contributing to society.
In her book Daring Greatly, writer researcher Dr. Brene Brown explains that anxiety and fear take over when there is a high level of shame (feeling like you can't be who you're "supposed" to be), and people disengage and distance themselves from their community to protect themselves. This happens because the individual feels spurned and has little respect for the perceived perpetuators and system. Shame can drive people away from societal values, because these values hold little for them if they feel the community and system upholding them rejects them.
Another facet of this disengagement is how the further and further we get away from a structured learning environment, we let go of some values. We're no longer being spoon-fed, and it's up to us to continue to learn and grow, deciding who and what we want to be. It's a "Natural Evolution of Decay," as someone I once dated put it.
This brings up the question of how fake must we be if as soon as we step outside the hallowed halls of our yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs do we fall prey to the corruption in the outside world? Honestly, I think what happens outside of structured learning says a lot more about who we are as people. The guy who's gone to college and is working every day yet still holds onto minyan, learning, etc, has done so much more for himself than the one warming the bench in the B"M and doing the same. You may wear a coat if you're in the Arctic, but you're not necessarily a coat-wearer unless you wear the coat at home too.
Many of us walk the fence hoping that our two worlds don't collide. Most of us are pretty successful at it too. The problem is when the secular environment becomes the place in which you feel more productive, as we gravitate towards things that make us feel good about ourselves. This is another reason why we retreat from Yiddishkeit values we may have once held non-negotiable. Said community brings pain, the other world is more comfortable.
It's going to be another year, and we have Rosh Hashana as a means to help us stay on track. Life isn't about comfort. What makes sense for you? Who do you want to be? Where is your train going this year? Hashem isn't a vindictive G-d; He really wants what is best for us. Sometimes, apparently, it's not what we think is easy. It's a new year, a new chance. Can you realign your priorities and figure out what's real and what's just a coping mechanism?
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