Your Path to the King's Treasury

You've all heard the mashal, I'm sure, about the guy who gets invited by the king –– an entire day to take whatever he can in 24 hours from the king's treasury. This week Mrs. Shifra Rabenstein, in a shuir about the Aseres Y'mei Teshuva, put her own spin on it. I'll get to her changes in a second. I want to add some of my own too.

Let me remind you of the story first.

The king wants to make the whole day as pleasant as he can for the man, and he sets up the path to the treasury, lining it with every pleasure possible. Every few feet there is some other materialistic thing that catches the guy's attention. A five star restaurant with a maitre d who treats him royally, serving him a seven course meal accompanied by various expensive bottles of wine. A comfortable bed bedecked in the softest linens to sleep off his food and drink. A concert. A sushi bar. A show. A carving station. Whatever, you name it.

As the parable goes, the guy gets so distracted that either he completely misses his window and gets nothing from the treasury that he can take away with him, or he wakes up in the last few seconds and grabs a handful of coins, crying at his missed opportunity.

Mrs. Rabenstein added her own spin. "What if," she said, "What if the guy's friend comes with him and shakes him by the shoulder as he sees him getting distracted.

"Yankel, it's 1pm. You have to get a move on." "What? Oh, okay...just five more minutes, this bed is so comfortable..." "Yankel, it's 3pm! Your time is fading." "Huh? Right, okay...California roll please!"

"What if," Mrs. Rabenstein said, "What if, he not only reminds him, but he shakes him by the shoulders..."

"YANKEL! IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK! YOU ONLY HAVE THREE HOURS LEFT!"

"What if," said Mrs. Rabenstein, "What if we realize that Hashem is shaking us? Reminding us that we only have three hours left? What if Hashem is literally shaking the ground under us? How many hurricanes and earthquakes have there been in the past couple months? How much shaking do we need?!"

I guess my addition to the story would take on something that I heard from the rav of our shul on Rosh Hashana. He was talking about living al kiddush Hashem and how that is harder than dying al kiddush Hashem, how every moment, every choice that we make, is just that. He talked about how perhaps our living al kiddush Hashem is accepting our life circumstances, no matter how uncomfortable they might seem, and realizing that that is not only emunah, but that is living al kiddush Hashem.

What if our path to the king's treasure house isn't strewn with sushi bars and ice cream? What if our path has roadblocks and speed humps? Will we decide to take a different way that potentially leads us nowhere near our destination, just because it feels like we'll never get there if we stay on the path that we're on? Are we following a GPS that has the wrong address plugged in? Are we looking for the route that doesn't have traffic but may take us through all the bad neighborhoods and we won't necessarily ever make it there ever?

Yom Kippur has purifying properties in it of itself. We just need to go through it to get cleansed. Elul, the aseres y'mei teshuva, culminates in Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur climaxes at Neila. Neila peaks with Hashem Hu HaElokim. Hashem Hu HaElokim, and we have a personal relationship with him...He wants to give us from His treasure house. The question of the first Rosh Hashana ever was "Ayeka?!" That question reverberates still today...

Gmar Chasima Tova!

Game Over...Play Again?

At 12:47 AM I received an email from a shadchan with whom I have fairly good relationship.

Please call me.

When I spoke to him midday, after exchanging pleasantries, the conversation went like this:

"So, as soon as I start talking you'll know where this is going..."

Of course I knew. Though we speak often, he's only ever set me up with one guy (probably a little over a year ago).

"I met so-and-so at maariv last night..."

Bingo!

"We got to talking, and I asked him what has and hasn't been working for him and what he's looking for now. I could tell, in his mind, he was going back to you."

He was perfectly respectful when I told him I really wasn't interested to revisit it, and he even remembered why I "said no." Truthfully, the guy is a great guy, but aside from the reason reason I said no, we just didn't have any "click." I didn't want to spend time with him, I didn't want to see him again, I didn't want to talk to him about anything.

It's not like the guy is running after me, but his name has come up four or five times in the past year since I've dated him, all in instances where someone thought of the idea, redt it to him, and then came back to me saying that they thought of this idea for me and redt it to the guy who said that we went out already but he would be interested to try again.

I know there's nothing to talk about here, but it's instances like these that make me second-guess myself. Why is it that a good handful of people thought of this idea, he wants another chance, but I so don't see it? Okay, so maybe, technically, it makes sense on paper, no one can know whether we'll have chemistry, but why has the idea come up so much?

Because this type of thing makes me overthink things, I have to remember that I gave it three dates when I knew after one that it wasn't a shidduch. I've been dating for awhile; I have a fairly good sense after a first date to know if something will go anywhere. (I'm not saying I know after one date if I'm going to marry someone, just if it will have any potential at all.) There was a specific reason why it wasn't going to work for me. And I just didn't like him. Nothing against him; we just had no chemistry/click/back-and-forth. I don't know, I really don't understand how it happens that someone can like me/see potential, when I don't, at all.

Okay, enough overthinking for now. I'm fairly confident in my decision. Just still boggles my mind a little.

It's All A Game

Sometimes I feel like my life is one long game of Calvinball. 

Make up the rules as you go along. 

No two rules can be the same. 

Adapt. 

Accept rules from each player introduced. 

Try to capture the flag. 

Use any piece of equipment as you see fit to score points. 

Get messy sometimes. 

Feel crazy sometimes. 

Apologize. 

Let people know when you are hurt.

Stand up for yourself.

Maybe dodge bullets.

Maybe listen to other people's advice.

But don't lose your own voice.

Don't overthink trivial things.

Let people in.

Let people out.

Juggle all your balls equally ––

Work, family, health, friends, integrity.

Except work.

Work is a rubber ball that will bounce back up if you drop it.

The others are made of glass.

They will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, or even shatter.*

Be smart.

Don't burn bridges.

Smile.

Work hard.

Make a difference.

Work towards a goal.

Shrug at idiosyncrasies. 

Color outside the lines.

Agree with your imagination.

If you can dream it, make it happen.

Live on the edge.

Choose with no regret.

Be true to yourself.

Love freely.

Live passionately.

Follow your "what ifs."

Maintain your dignity.

Don't be afraid to change.

Enjoy the journey.

Have the courage to talk about how you feel.

Show up and be seen.

Ask for what you need.

Don't step on other people's toes.

Know when you need to take a time-out.

Take them frequently.

Love yourself.

Let this love spill over to others.

Do your best.

Then do it again.

Never make assumptions.

And don't take things personally.

Own the moment.

Don't get too caught up to enjoy the sunsets.

Never settle.

Always challenge yourself.

Break down barriers.

Dance in the rain.

Sing along to the songs.

Indulge yourself often.

But not too often.

Check every so often that you're headed in the right direction.

Choose your partner wisely.

Help others.

But not if it hurts you.

Laugh.

Learn.

Repeat.

Play nice.

Be the author of your story.

If you get a chance, take it.

Ride the waves.

Keep fighting. 

Don't forget to have fun!

If life is a game...

*Original quote attributed to James Patterson

Healthy Relationships: Empaths and Codependents

I think we pay a lot of attention to what feels right, shared values, checking things off our "list," etc., while dating, but how often do we pay attention to the health of a relationship? (Perhaps I should first ask if the way we date actually even allows us to create relationships for us to pay attention to their patterns and health. That's a different topic altogether, but for the purpose of this post, I'm going to assume that we do have that opportunity. I guess if it isn't before engagement and marriage, the development of a real relationship happens after marriage.) People generally believe that once they finally find "The One," they can ride off into the sunset. Relationships take work, and they're not always smooth sailing from the get-go.

There are many different personality profiles that work (better or worse) together in a relationship, as well as many healthy and/or unhealthy relationship patterns, but here I'm going to focus on my personal experience and talk about empaths in relationships. I've written before about what I feel about being an empath...or rather having numerous characteristics of an empath.

With relation to empaths, there are various types of "energy vampires" that tend to suck vitality from anyone, but empaths in particular, which obviously is a setup for an unhealthy relationship. Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about the line between empaths and codependents, ie. what role does the empath play in this dysfunction? Let me back up a bit. I'll do my best to try to define these terms for you, so you know what we're talking about.

Dr. Judith Orloff, M.D., the author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People explains that the trademark of an empath is feeling and absorbing other people’s emotions because of his or her high sensitivities. Empaths filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. They're highly sensitive with big hearts, ie. givers, nurturers, and good listeners. They "pick up" on others' emotions, are highly intuitive, have highly tuned physical senses, feel others' pain (sometimes too much), and give a lot to others (sometimes to the extent that they deplete themselves).

Codependency at its best/worst looks pretty messy and dysfunctional. It involves people relying on their partner in unhealthy/unbalanced relationships to gain personal esteem or even their identity. It can be classified similar to how an addiction might be. Someone feels good about himself or herself or maintains his or her identity only through the relationship. However, at its most basic, it looks more like what I once heard someone suggest codependency is –– someone caring about someone else's problems more than the sufferer himself does. Another way I heard it defined was that someone might feel responsible to "fix,""save," or take care of someone, often not realizing that this is taking a toll on himself or herself, and that s/he is putting the other person's needs before his or her own. Often this plays out as the person not recognizing that he's sacrificing his own wants/needs for another and simply thinking that he has no preference (ie. "wants" or "needs"). 

Here's a link to patterns and characteristics of a codependent if you'd like to read more about it.

Follow this (another link) to read a great poem someone recently sent me about codependent relationships. It speaks to how often relationships can become enmeshed, how one's identity begins to depend on the other person's feelings and his sense of self becomes defined by the ups and downs of the relationship. 

Back to our main discussion, I relate to a lot of the typical characteristics of empaths and also to a few characteristics of codependents (and to me I feel like there's a big overlap). As I've been reading, it's easy for empaths to fall into codependent patterns if they are not vigilant about it. It's a lot about being aware of one's own needs and setting good boundaries. It takes two to tango, and both sides need to be aware of their behaviors and attitudes. One person should never have to be responsible for, or carry the entire burden of, a relationship.

It would probably be easy for me to fall into caretaker mode or give into what the other person wants in a relationship (to an unhealthy degree), and so I know I need to be on top of setting good boundaries. In a similar way, I need to do my best to be careful to not get into a relationship with someone who would take advantage of this fact, because despite how good my boundaries might be, it's easy for me to slip into that "giving/saving" role. In the same vein, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of a codependent's care-taking, because I believe it's important for there to be two autonomous people in a relationship. Two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a complete union.

This article tackles topics like love addiction, empaths, codependency, healing, and healthy relationships. If you don't want to read all of it, I suggest skipping to about midway through and reading "Empathic Codependency" and "Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship."

With all this talk about codependency, it is important for me to mention that we do need others. Having someone to support you and you him/her, having someone you can rely on and vice versa, caring for someone/someone caring for you, being sensitive to someone else's needs, etc., is a big part of relationships. In July, I blogged about recognizing your needs and how important it is that you identify what they are and can be sure that your partner is able and willing to fulfill them. Independent but connected. Fully responsible for your own life but being committed to and close to those you love (a self-differentiated adult).

There is a fine line between "saving" and "supporting," "being responsible for" and "being sensitive to." One's happiness or sense of self should never be dependent on his relationship or how much he can help/save/fix others. To understand your own strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship, I would recommend reading about and identifying your attachment style.

Overall, I think most important is the willingness to work on oneself and how you relate to someone in a relationship, as every relationship can be different and bring out different patterns for each person. You never want to lose yourself, or trample someone else's sense of self, in your relationship.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Someone who I went to high school with, and with whom I haven't spoken to in months and months, texted me:

"Hi SPDR, I just wanted to know what you're looking for."

A few minutes later, "I hope you had a good Rosh Hashana."

Only slightly annoyed at her phraseology and method, I politely replied.

"Hi! You mean in terms of a guy? This is what I tell people..."

"Okay, would you go out with a long-term learner?"

I tried to ignore the expression she used. I tried to ignore that fact that she was asking me about one characteristic when there's so much more to the person, I hope. I just answered her question, very clearly and concisely.

"No."

"Oh well," she replied.

"Just thought it would be a good idea in terms of personality, etc., but he's a long term learner."

To which I replied that I doubt we would be on the same page in terms of hashkafos, broadmindedness, worldliness, etc."

"But he's openminded. That's why I thought of you."

Trying to be open, I questioned in what ways he's openminded and what his background is, etc., but that I would likely not go out with someone only learning at this point, especially someone who plans to stay in kollel indefinitely. She didn't answer. A little while later she got back to me.

"Okay...well, I mentioned to him that you would date someone working and he said he's not interested then."

Ummm, why does she not listen what I have to say about this, but whatever he says goes? I mean, that was exactly the point, wasn't it? Does she think I'm so desperate that even if I tell her flat out "no," that I would not agree to go out with someone wanting to learn forever, I would consider it? I was never looking to marry a guy who wanted to learn l'olmei ad, even when I was super bright-eyed and bushy-tailed straight out of seminary wanting to scrimp and save to support a family in kollel forever. 

Honestly, I feel like it's disrespectful. I know she's just trying to be helpful, but her way about it rubs me the wrong way. If I tell you that that's not what I want, why are you belaboring the point? Why is it only good enough when the guy says that he doesn't want someone who doesn't want someone learning? Was there a reason why you asked me what I'm looking for or was that a formality?

Maybe only ask questions if you really are going to listen to the answer.

Music That Speaks to You

Often, music is one of those topics that comes up during a couple's courtship. Someone's familiarity with, or exposure to, secular music and media probably speaks to his/her hashkafos and/or religiosity, but that's a different discussion. (I feel like it's individual and means something different to everyone. Context and all that.)

Recently someone was relating their personal take on secular music and media, and they were saying that why do you want to expose yourself to things that are foreign to your way of living, being, doing –– what you can have or can want. I don't think I have to give examples here, just pay attention to about every song that plays next time you're anywhere.

It's not even a frum thing; it's about setting yourself up for success. You can definitely limit your exposure to only "kosher" things, and that's one way about it. There are other concerns too even within "kosher" ideas and "kosher" lyrics. I'm not going to touch that here though.

As a writer (and romantic) I appreciate good lyrics, ones that are lyrical and poetic, and lyrics that speak to me. Truthfully, I'll often notice how I can relate most song lyrics to something in my life or what I'm thinking or going through anyway, but still, more complex diction seems to speak to me more.

I'm not super musical, but repeating words and repetitive melodies (when there are actual melodies that is) grate on my nerves, and therefore I'm not the biggest fan of Jewish music. There are probably a few tens of good Jewish songs that I can think of off-hand, and when I listen to the same songs over and over, I get sick of them fairly quickly.

I never really felt okay listening to secular music, and more recently I've been pretty successful at this ban. I've been playing random Jewish music playlists on Spotify, and coincidentally leading up to Rosh Hashana I noticed how so many songs are about "Hashem Melech" (and not just the popular Gad Elbaz song).

Jewish music, if you can get past its frequent mediocrity in terms of arrangement, can be beautiful. If you really think about it, Jewish music often takes words of Nach, which are infinitely more gorgeous than today's pop singers' lyrics...if you're really listening.

Shira is a tefillah; song has special power.

I'm starting to notice how Jewish music speaks to me. If I let it.

What lyrics speak to you?

Making Things Better

In a recent article, and talk, Rabbi Moshe Hauer nailed it. He spoke about how it's the community's responsibility to make things better for our singles.

He outlined how singles do not want pity; they want and deserve respect. Just because someone has not yet found his/her spouse does not mean that he should be any less recognized for his accomplishments. He also talks about support, networking, and shidduchim.

You'll have to follow the above link to read about it. He does a great job; no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.

While this stuff should be intuitive, unfortunately it's not. Why we have to tell people these things is beyond me, but Rabbi Hauer is right on the mark. Please read, forward, and tell everyone you know about this article. It should be required reading.