These are the things that make shidduch dating hard. Swimming in the waters of shidduchim, it feels like we're at the mercy of others to send us life rafts. Sometimes we go for a raft because someone totally misrepresents it. We try to make it float because we really want it to, but often that's genuinely just impossible. Sometimes we hang onto a raft because we're curious about truly how bad could it be? Sometimes a raft looks harmless on the outside but we slowly learn that it will make us drown.
Because of the way gender is segregated in most frum circles (and I'm not contesting whether this should or shouldn't be the case), it's very difficult for singles to meet on their own, or even to meet through mutual friends. Perhaps there are similar problems even outside of gender segregated communities, and maybe that has to do with the imbalanced numbers game, I don't know. However, the fact that within this system we must often rely on strangers and other random acquaintances causes various different issues.
Because people will set up random people they just met, or others they have never met at all, this often sparks dreadful situations. Setting up a skirt and pants when you have never met either is a bad bad idea. People are complex and there are so many factors that need to compliment each other that even when you know both people well, it's hard to set them up successfully. As a personal example, my worst dates have been with guys in which the person setting us up had not met the guy or me or both. There's just a feel you get for someone when you meet him in person and spend some time with him/her. If you think that someone you heard of us might be a good idea for someone you know, I would suggest that if at all feasible, get to know this other person better before wasting your friend/cousin/niece/etc's time.
Additionally, I think the way our system works breeds desperation for girls. Many of my friends will continue dating someone, agonizing over each date when they should have "said no" long ago, because they don't know when they will get set up again if they end the current shidduch. They feel like they have no control over meeting someone new.
People often feel like they're m'shubed to shadchanim, or shadchanim feel like singles should be m'shubed to them. Shadchanim can then go and start charging money for each date they set up. I'm not disputing the fact that a lot of time and work is put into setting a couple up, and people want to be paid for their time, but please, don't take advantage of singles' fear, vulnerability, and desperation. (As a side note, it is important for singles to give hakaras hatov to someone who set them up, but that's outside the realm of this post.)
On a slightly tangential note, when you hire a realtor to find you a house, they do a lot of work for you. At the end of the day, they may not be your shaliach, and you may find a house via other means. When that is the case, your realtor doesn't get paid a penny! It's part of the business. If people can't afford to work on shidduchim without getting paid for their time, they're in the wrong business. Do it as a chessed, or maybe don't do it at all.
Singles travel, sometimes far distances, to meet shadchanim, sometimes paying them money for the meeting, and rarely do they hear back. They often don't get a response to reach-outs. This, of course, isn't always the case, but shadchanim are inundated on a daily basis and are super busy. I'm not sure if they don't answer emails, texts, phone calls, and voice mails because they're so busy, or they just can't be bothered. This in turn makes singles feel helpless and sometimes even worthless.
In a world that's getting smaller and smaller, living within a community that's fairly connected, is there no better way to do this?
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