Rejection

If you google the word "rejection," you'll come up with some mighty interesting facts about this phenomenon. This TED talk makes a case for practicing emotional first aid, treating the damage that rejection wreaks: casualties to one's mood and self-esteem, intolerance for criticism, and how it destabilizes our need to belong. The same psychologist writes an article for Psychology Today claiming that the emotional pain that rejection elicits "piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain," so much so that "Tylenol reduces the emotional pain that rejection causes." He also proposes that rejection "temporarily lowers our IQ" and it "does not respond to reason," often "sending us on a mission to seek and destroy our own self-esteem."

There are theories about about how this need for belonging is rooted in the human "hunter-gatherer" past in which acceptance within a tribe was necessary for survival. And, other research by psychology professor Arthur Aron (and colleagues), known for his work on intimacy in interpersonal relationships (most famous for his 36 Questions experiment), suggests that rejection hurts so much because when people are in close relationships, their sense of self becomes intertwined with their partner's.

Obviously there are different levels of rejection based upon the situation. Dating has given me the opportunity to experience the gamut from both sides of the fence. With regard to which is harder, being rejected or rejecting someone else, perhaps I'll think on that one and get back to y'all on that. However, there is an important insight that I've picked up in my travels that I'd like to share.

Dating isn't a chessed. Rejection isn't personal, and it really just means that the relationship wouldn't work in the long run. You can't keep dating someone just because you feel bad to hurt him/her should you break it off. It may hurt regardless, but it will hurt a lot more when the rejection comes later in the game. Because of the uniqueness of our system, the focused way we date, should we recognize that a relationship would not thrive marriage-wise, it's not a "nice" or "positive" thing to string it along. Of course there are better and worse ways to break it off, but continuing once someone has that clarity defeats the purpose. (Going on another date or having a conversation with the person to clarify and/or help the other person gain closure falls within the realm of "better ways" to break it off. Remember that it's still a person you're dealing with and just because "these are the rules to the 'game,'" it's still real life and you still need to treat people nicely and with middos and respect.)

If you can wrap your head around that fact that a rejection is not personal and at some point it probably would have been you breaking up with the person had s/he not done it at this point, it's easier to put things into perspective. We need to consciously be aware of the narratives we create about an experience. It's easy to blame yourself and say something like, "I did/am something wrong. S/he thinks badly of me, etc." Another way to see it might be, "There was a miscommunication/lack of communication, and in the future, with the right person, we'll be able to get through these type of things and be better off for it."

It's so important to promote resilience in the face of pain. Your worth is not tied up in the person who walked away from you. Remember, if s/he can't appreciate who you are, you deserve to be with someone who does. People are different and don't value the same things. In a simple example, it's like telling an objectively really good-looking person that s/he isn't "your look." The person deserves to be with someone who thinks s/he is gorgeous. If it can't be you, then you shouldn't be with him/her. Let the person walk away who doesn't want you, s/he isn't rejecting you, s/he's rejecting the aspect that wouldn't work in a marriage. You don't want that relationship anyway; s/he just has that clarity now, and you would have come to it at some point.