My Circuitous Labyrinth

How long am I meant to, in this circuitous labyrinth, wander?
Accompanied by many questions to contemplate and ponder.

Why meet so many people I am not meant to know,
John Doe after John Doe after John Doe after John Doe?

Why like people I can’t be friends with, be fascinated by someone I’m supposed to forget about?
How can I not get emotionally involved, not form a lasting connection, and just keep going out?

Can I miss someone I’m not supposed to like?
Can I like someone I’m not supposed to miss?

Why form a relationship, a connection, to then part ways and never speak thenceforth?
It begs the question of how much is this really all worth?

These are not just items at an auction, but real individuals that I date.
I’m an empathic people person, how can I not, to these guys, relate?

Why do I feel bad to be the one to ultimately say no,
Even if it is in the end an undeniable definite no-go?

Why is it that some guys seem to think that getting along is enough?
Even when hashkafos don’t match up, why does the no come as an unexpected rebuff?

Perhaps my feelings are too acute, too real, to be successful in this game.
Or am I just seeking something concrete, for my heartache, to blame?

Will these emotions stand me in good stead when the right one comes along?
Or is the emotional investment a sign that I’m doing something wrong?

Is there a method to the madness; a reason for the curse?
Perhaps an easier way through this parsha to traverse?

Why does this system feel so fake?
To me, it’s quite hazy and opaque.

Does it protect me; make me better off in some sense?
Is it, in some way, a protection of defense?

So much to cogitate and to ponder,
As I continue to, in this labyrinth, wander.

Feeling So Stuck

Feeling so stuck here
What do I do here
Who do I turn to here
Why am I here
How to get out of here
Its so lonely here
I want out of here


Your reality is in your hands
You must issue and command
Don’t be passive, be proactive
You must not be inactive
You want something, you must try
Yourself you must apply


How does this advice fit in here
Nothing I do can get me out of here
I have no control here
It’s all up to G-d here
What can I do to leave here
I don’t want to be here

A Dater Not A Wait-er

I may be a dater,
But I needn’t be a “wait-er.”
I won’t let life pass me by
While I await my proper guy.

I can get caught up living for the future,
But I need to realize the present can be super.
When I fantasize about that day to come,
To the moment I am numb.
I fail to recognize the good in the second,
As my future happiness beckons.

Even though I am single,
My life can still assume a twinkle.
There’s so much good I can miss,
Because most of it I dismiss
When I think life starts after I meet him,
And before then all is grim.

Though the in-between stage can be hard,
I won’t play the sympathy card.
Dating may not be fun,
Yet it’s part and parcel of this run.
Feeling left out is another trial of this stage,
Waiting to join all my friends who’ve turned the page.

Yet, I won’t compare myself to all those who’ve moved on,
To those who have down the aisle gone.
Only my reality plays a part here,
My reasons for wanting to move on are truly sincere.

I’ve got to ride the waves, the ups and downs,
Realizing it’s okay to smile and to frown.
It’s a challenge, I won’t deny,
Playing this game I want to defy.

But it’s my reality you see,
Only when I accept it can I be free.
When I relinquish my pseudo control,
I can better understand my role.
G-d is the One in charge,
To succeed, my trust in Him I must recharge.

As painful as this parsha is,
I know it’s a nisayon, a quiz.
G-d is the diamond cutter, and the diamond is I,
This process is to make me more beautiful thereby.

Although, as much as I trust in G-d and live in the moment,
Getting married is still a big proponent.
Yet, just because I am dater,
I refuse to be a wait-er.

The Shidduch Crisis and a Numbers Game

The January 19th cover story of Ami Magazine was about the shidduch crisis. The article claimed that there is a demographic time bomb ticking in the yeshiva world. The age gap between boys and girls entering the shidduch market combined with the high rate of population growth has meant that there simply are not enough guys relative to the amount of girls.

The article discusses all the myths why there are less boys than girls, including but not limited to the fact that this problem is not based in pickiness or that more boys go off the derech (which is not true). Simply, there is an age gap and there are not enough 23 year old boys to marry all of the 19 year old girls; as per common mathematics and common sense, the younger the generation, the more people it contains.

In the Ami article, Shimon and Yisrael Lichtenstein push for a plan that will have bochurim not go to yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel, but rather start going to Lakewood or other yeshivas in the US at the age of 20-21. A recent kol kore was signed by many Roshei Yeshiva calling on bochurim to marry earlier.

To me this raises many questions about maturity and marital readiness, hishtadlus, bashert/zivug hagon, and much much more. I have a lot to say on the matter, but my gut reaction is that yes, there is a concept of hishtadlus, which we should partake in. However, are we so dense to not realize that G-d holds the key to this particular issue? This is so hard for everyone because it's one of the few things that the illusion that we are in control is almost too thin. G-d controls the world and everything in it, yet there is a concept of teva and we think we control a lot more than we do. In this case our hishtadlus does not reach as far as it does with other issues.

The numbers game makes sense statistically, but it does not make a lot of sense practically. "19 year old girls marry 23 year old boys, which leaves an age gap, etc." Do we not believe in the concept of a bashert/zivug? 40 days before a child is conceived a bas kol is heard in shamyim saying "bas ploni l'ploni." Are all these people not marrying their zivug hagon??

There isn't an answer to this dilemma. Each generation has their share of challenges. This is one of our's great nisyonos. Instead of chasing our tail and making ourselves crazy, we should work on strengthening our emunah and bitachon, and working to become better people. Perhaps in that zechus our "crisis" will be averted.

Accept not Expect

I once heard some very wise words: "Frustration lies within the gap between expectation and reality." When we expect less, we are always less disappointed. When we expect something to happen and it doesn't, we just end up feeling gypped.

Now, how exactly does this work? When we expect something to happen and it doesn't, we are setting ourselves up for failure; yet, shouldn't we have some expectations in life? Aren't there expectations that are healthy?

It is true that if you don't expect to win the lottery or to have a party for your birthday, when it happens it's quite a pleasant surprise. On the flip-side of this coin, if you expect to be paid on time or for everyone to remember your birthday, and it doesn't happen, then you are sorely disappointed. Seemingly the first option is the better one here. However, isn't having no expectations a quite pessimistic view on life? You don't expect people to smile and greet you when you walk past them. You expect there to be traffic on the way to work. You expect there to be no dinner when you get home. How does that make you happier?

Perhaps like everything in life, there is a balance, a fine line between expecting and accepting. It is healthy to have some expectation, but when things don't roll your way you just have to accept it as part of life. I'm not so sure that it's healthier to have negative expectations just so that you won't feel let down when things don't go your way. Part of being an adult is learning to accept disappointment. Things can't always go your way, that would just be boring. Variety is the spice of life; you've just got to accept that.

Objectivity or Subjectivity As a Prerequisite to Initiating Lasting Change?

In a sense it is always easier to call someone else out for something they have done. It's also easier to give someone else advice and tell him or her what s/he is doing wrong and how s/he can be happier. But when it comes to our own faults and flaws, it's always, for some reason, so much harder to get a handle on them.

There is great strength associated with the ability of being able to be honest with yourself. Admitting to your own faults and follies just ain't as easy as it may seem. Unless someone is really down on himself, people generally are biased toward their own abilities and actions. I think it's rooted in the concept known as self-preservation.

Even taking a true honest to goodness hard look at oneself may not cut it. Our subconscious has so many reasonable excuses prepared for why we may do something or act a certain way. And you know what? Many of those reasons could be 100% legit. See, when it's an explanation of what you have done, you are privy to all the background info. When you pass judgement on someone else, you just don't have all the facts, plain and simple. You may think you do, but bottom line, you don't.

Perhaps that is why it is easier to advise someone who is not you. There is a clear objectivity. You are not enmeshed in every aspect of the situation, so you have a clearer picture of what might help alleviate some of the stress or whatnot.

Of course, the person needs to be interested in helping himself or herself in order for you to help him or her. So here's why subjectivity is necessary. Imagine how hard it is to change yourself. Now realize how hard it is to change someone else. You really need to be in the situation to understand the pain versus the gain; it's kind of like a seesaw. We weigh things cost against benefit. Only someone experiencing the pain/gain can truly make changes.

So then what about the objectivity? Okay, so it's not really about the actual changing of the other person per se, but the objectivity of being able to clearly call him or her out on something, being the one to point out contradictions or better ways of functioning, giving advice, and pushing the person past contemplation to action.

Do you think that if we loved someone as much as we loved ourselves, we would be able to criticize them? I mean, we easily give people whom we love advice, just as we can give ourselves advice. The issue in that is the heeding of the advice. As an example, we might tell ourselves not to eat that third cookie. Whether or not we listen to that advice is another story. So even if we give ourselves advice, we generally don't brutally criticize ourselves. Even when we're feeling self-critical, we usually find excuses to explain everything. As an aside, there definitely are those who suffer from occasional (or frequent) harsh self-critical inner voices and self-destructive behaviors, but I'm speaking to the general self-loving practices of confident people with good self-efficacy.

So consensus that healthy people don't callously criticize themselves, perhaps not people they love either. On the other hand, we criticize in the name of constructive criticism when we care about someone and where we think they are headed. Does constructive criticism exist in the realm of self-criticism? Again, it's easier to objectively find fault in another.

I am beginning to think that unless someone is super self-aware and focused that to change a character trait that is greatly embedded in one's personality or situation, it takes outside help. This assistance can be from a good friend, mentor, or rabbi type. A good therapist is probably a best bet.

While subjectivity is definitely needed to work on the problem and actual generate changes, objectivity is typically necessary to point out things that the person embroiled in the issues is blinded from seeing.

A Tall Euphoria To Go Please

I wish that I could hold onto that feeling of euphoria
From when things have gone my way,
Put it in a package
For some other rainy day.


I wish that I could bottle that feeling-
The taste of success that’s oh so sweet,
Save it for some other time
When I’m feeling totally beat.


When I work hard and accomplish
And fruits of my labor I do reap,
I wish I could stash away that great feeling
For a time I feel like I need to weep.


I realize though that in reality life’s not really like that.
We need to ride the waves - the ups and downs,
Many times we will feel like smiling
But understand it’s also okay to frown.


So we need to hold onto our achievements
And recognize our true worth - we should;
You don’t need to be floating
To about yourself feel good.


But after a long day,
Perhaps when things are about to blow;
It’d be great if I could grab that
Tall euphoria to go.

Goodbye...Forever

It’s not that I don’t value you
I still see you the same,
But we’ve said goodbye and closed the door
Went elsewhere to stake our claim.

The decision that we made
Was with both our good in mind,
So when you ask me to revisit this
I find myself in quite a bind.

In order to try again
We’ll need to invest more than before,
When all I want to do is put up a wall
And not a door.

I’m scared I’ll get hurt again
Or the pain will belong to you,
This feeling of “it’s not going to work”
Will not be anything new.

It’s not that I don’t value you
You have so many good qualities,
But we’ve said goodbye
And it’s forever - understand that please.

I know you respect my judgment
Which makes this harder here for me,
Am I acting too harsh or too rigid
How do I know what’s the right way to be?

I just feel that it will only serve to harm us
Revisiting what we had,
It will remind us what we cannot have
The situation will be everything and bad.

So goodbye forever once again
You know we can’t "just be friends,"
It just cannot work like that
This, like before, needs to be the end.

Happily (Ever) After Finding Your Soulmate

Some things are just so elusive to me, namely, true happiness and contentment. So I wonder, what is lacking within me? Why do I need others for me to be happy, content? Am I just a product of the system, led to believe that contentment sets in and life can only be lived "happily ever after," where "after" connotes happy only after (I find my better half)?

Now, I do believe that one can be happy and content in life with only his own approval. There are, however, basic safety and belonging needs that need to be met before self-actualization, true contentment, is possible. The question is then, what kind of security needs, what kind belonging and love, is the minimum level required to be happy? I’m sure it’s different for every person. It is perhaps rooted in early attachments and one’s level of self-esteem. Maybe it's even about expectations and general life productivity and accomplishments.

So here’s my pondering point: is this a lack in emunah, meaning that Hashem knows what is best for me and I’m contending with G-d trying to determine my own destiny? Is this simply a test meant for me to overcome? Does the key to the challenge lie in my ability to boost my self-esteem and efficacy? By realizing that G-d is in control and I need only to hand over the keys, will I be more happy?

I know the drill. "Keep yourself busy with other things; do things that you excel at and can gain positive feelings from accomplishing." etc. etc. Yet, there is still this deep ache inside of me. I feel like there is something missing. Perhaps it keeps me searching for the one who can fill that gap. Maybe it is just one of my big challenges in life meant to keep me on my toes and somehow make me a better person. It scratches at my surface like a diamond cutter cuts his diamonds, its purpose to make me more beautiful.

Relationship Exchange

Everyone who comes into my life I learn from,
They make an impression on me.
Commensurate is the impression made
With position played in my life and time I've spent with the addressee.

Likewise, in every (attempted) relationship
A part of me I leave.
I give every person my one hundred percent,
I’d like to believe.

Whether it’s a mentor, teacher, potential spouse,
Or a friend,
Depending on the situation
Correspondingly I extend.

Is there a way to return the piece of the other’s essence
I subsequently hold?
A way to take back what I’ve shared
And render things told untold?

The paradox is that if I want a relationship to have a chance
I’ve got to put up lots of overhead.
But it’s rarely equal give-and-take
And sometimes I end up in the red.

I invest
And don’t always get proportionate return,
I guess though there are valuable lessons in every encounter
Just waiting to be learned.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Darkness
Absence of light.
Darkness so stifling, so crowding, so depressing.
Attempting to navigate the murky waters
I search for a way out.
There is no end in sight
In fact, there is nothing in sight.
How can I see when I am surrounded in darkness,
Shrouded in shadows?
Where is that ray of light that worms its way through the crevices of even the most airtight tomb?
There must be a light at the end of my tunnel
When will I get there?
How long is the journey?
Is it as arduous as the last half has been?
More grueling?
Or is it easy going from here on in?
Where is my patch of sunshine in this dark, foreboding world?

Differentiation of Self

Self-Differentiation (a term coined by family therapy pioneer, Murray Bowen) is a progressive, internal interplay between autonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while progressing toward developing and known goals. Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge. To become an adult, every person faces the task of the differentiation of self.

Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop. To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence.

Differentiation is described in many ways in the following points:

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.
6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others.
10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
14. Making no heroes; taking no victims.
15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a "Knight in Shining Armour" who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.
16. Paying the price for building, and living within community. I am not suggesting some form of communal or shared living. I am suggesting the differentiated person finds a place with others while also being separate from others.
17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

By Rod Smith, Reposted from: http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/

The Green-Eyed Monster

Is this what jealousy feels like?
A dagger, twisting deep deep into my soul.
It robs me of my inner peace, my sense of competence, confidence, and control.
I want to be happy, I do
And I rejoice for you
But it is about me I think when this emotion overcomes me, however undefined
This feeling, this feeling of being left behind
As you move on, I'm no longer in your company, but an observer
And so this wave engulfs me as I sputter and thrash around for a life-preserver
In all other areas of my life there is this illusion that I am proficient and have control
But here, it is not so
It rubs salt in the wound, when you move on
It makes me question what is wrong
Why have I been chosen to stay behind while I watch everyone else waltz into the sunset?
But the dagger only twists deeper as I attempt to remove it
I try to convince myself that I am happy for you
And I am, despite the rest of the stages of emotion I first pass through
I only wish my happiness was not tinted in ugly shades of green
The glow from the eyes of the monster inside me so obscene