Stigmatized

This week's Mishapacha magazine featured an article written by a single guy speaking out regarding his struggle with shidduchim due to his mental health issues. He writes about how although his mental health is currently stable and he's managing his symptoms well, he's finding that girls are rejecting him when he discloses this baggage to them. He talks about how he didn't choose to have this nisayon and how it's really disheartening that he's "quality" in every other aspect but dropped like a hot potato when he reveals his diagnosis to his dates. 

I've posted about baggage and stigma before, but I think this is a prime example of what it looks like in the real world.

We need more people like the protagonist of this story to speak out, perhaps to normalize such challenges. We all have struggles in life, but mental health issues in particular scare the frum community. I believe that one of the biggest causes for this is the average layperson’s ignorance regarding mental health. If we understood a diagnosis, symptoms, what to expect from (a person suffering from) an illness or situation, and a possible progression of the illness, this would reduce fear and resulting stigma. If people recognized that it's more common than we would like to think, that someone's mental illness isn't a character flaw or an identity, perhaps more people would realize that it no more defines someone than physical illness or any other challenge in life.

Personally,  I would like to think that someone coming into a relationship with an issue that he’s identified, has struggled to overcome/cope with, has learned mechanisms that help him to deal with it, has gained a greater understanding of himself, human psychology, and the world, and doesn’t take life for granted, is far more equipped to handle marriage and the challenges life will continue to throw at him. Life is never easy, and if it's been smooth coasting up until now, he's in for a shock at some point. Anybody can develop health problems at any time, and someone who can look you in the eye and tell you about his struggles and what he’s done about them is someone we should have a lot of respect for and be more comfortable committing our life to. Every situation obviously needs to be assessed on its own, but thinking about all the people that should be in therapy/on medication who aren’t, this is clearly someone who is responsible and is taking care of himself.

I'm pretty certain that the majority of frum singles would stay far away from someone with any diagnosis, but I'd like to think that there are many mature open-minded individuals that would not. His diagnosis is only an aspect of who he is; it doesn’t, and shouldn’t, define him. The person he ends up marrying will appreciate what he’s been through and what it has made him. Those that reject him aren't right for him anyway, because he needs someone who understands the challenges he's had to deal with. He will find a girl that wants someone who doesn’t just breeze through life taking it for granted and won't know what to do the first time he's faced with adversity. It doesn't have to mean that this person has mental health issues as well, just someone who has a greater appreciation for what it means to have to struggle sometimes.