Baggage: Disclosing Sensitive Information

We had already been on nine dates, for some people that's long past the number where they've put a ring on it. At the end of number nine he dropped his bombshell, his neat parcel of "Here's my baggage, now you know." Actually, it wasn't so neat, as I remember, he faltered and cried. (Not that I blame him, really, but he walked away all content on having gotten all that off his chest, and now I was left holding the bag.)

Because of the way shidduchim works and the manner in which we date, having baggage is complicated. When do you tell? How much do you tell? Generally the consensus is to disclose the information when you're at a point in the relationship where you feel comfortable with the other person, feel like things are going positively and have serious potential, but not at a point where you're already emotionally involved and the other person will feel like s/he can't break up with you without major emotional consequences.

In the secular world, and perhaps in circles where people meet organically, the couple can get to know each other and see all the positive aspects of each other, understanding someone's challenges in context, before having to make a snap judgement about a particular characteristic or issue someone might have. We've been trained to be on the lookout for concerns, deviations from the norm, all good things that fall under the category of stigmas and stereotypes.

I don't think it should so much be about "is there something wrong with this person," but "is this something that works for me, us?" We get so scared of people who aren't superficially perfect. Perhaps we need to realize that everyone has challenges, and when you know what they are, at least you know what you're dealing with.

Obviously bipolar disorder, divorced home, history of addiction, anorexia, diabetes, incarcerated family member, or whatever else, don't all mean the same thing. And, that's the point. While one person may not be able to deal with one thing, some other thing may be okay for him/her; it might even make the relationship stronger.

Oh, and if you were curious, I didn't break up with the guy because of his skeleton. I accepted him for it, even while I was upset that he waited until number nine to tell me. We broke up about somethings else. He's long married (happily I hope, but I don't have a means to keep tabs...thank G-d), so all's well that ends well.