Loves Me...Not: Another Post About Rejection Etc.

I picked up this book the other day and started reading it out of curiosity. The book, Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive) in the Face of Unrequited Love by Samara O'Shea, has so many, so many! good insights. I was skeptical that it would be helpful in any way, as most pop psychology/self help books usually write about things we all have learned instinctively by just being passive students of life. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. Even without any formal education –– I think she's a writer by profession, and she'd only recently began pursuing a Masters degree in social work at the time of the book's publication –– she shares a plethora of wisdom (obviously not all her own) about love and loss and all those emotions in between.

As I read, I want to share some of the things that stand out to me with all of you. If you think any of it is interesting or speaks to you, I would suggest you track down a copy of the book and read it yourself. It's an easy and entertaining read.

One of the first things O'Shea does is reference Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. I'll outline them here briefly, but if you're not familiar with them, I'd say it's worth it for you to read up on them. They're powerful stuff...

1. Be Impeccable with your Word 

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love. 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally 

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. 

3. Don’t Make Assumptions 

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

4. Always Do Your Best 

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

O'Shea zeroes in on number two, but I want to talk about numbers two and three. She quotes The Four Agreements to elaborate on the not taking things personally, which basically explains that people live within their own world, their own perception. The things that anybody does or says comes from the "agreements" s/he has within his or her own mind. Even if something seems very personal, even if it insults you directly, it has very little to do with you. Oftentimes it's about how something was triggered for them or a projection of their feelings and beliefs.

In a similar vein, don't make assumptions about why someone is doing or has done something. Even when you aren't in a position to ask, you must accept that you really don't know what is going on and/or why someone is doing something. We can make ourselves sick with worry, anxiety, jealousy, hatred, sadness, etc. when we assume things. We, more often times than not, won't really know why someone doesn't "want" you or why s/he isn't texting you back.

On the topic of rejection, remember that life is full of it –– personally, professionally, you name it. O'Shea offers up some guidelines to help out here.

1. Allow yourself the time to feel bad about things that didn't work out––don't rush through this. It's okay to feel let down.
2. If you made a mistake, don't criticize yourself. Call it just that––a mistake. (We all make mistakes sometimes.)
3. Recognize that the failure of things to work out isn't a reflection of your self-worth or abilities.
4. Find a lesson or three that can be taken away from the situation.
5. Put your black turtleneck on and get back out there.

You know how they all say that you need to be comfortable being alone first, and being single gives you that opportunity? That's great and all, but the want to be in a relationship, to have someone in your corner and all that good stuff, doesn't go away. O'Shea talks to this point too. Being comfortable being single doesn't mean that you don't want love/a relationship. It just means recognizing that "you're the only person you're going to wake up with every single day of your life," says O'Shea. "...You can make more authentic relationship decisions rather than fear-based ones...[working on yourself while you're alone] will enable you to love more genuinely..." It might not feel great, and you don't have to buy into the 'You have be complete on your own; It's an opportunity for you!' stuff that people in a relationship tell you. You do want to recognize though that you can use this time to your advantage. (It doesn't make you more or less single!)

O'Shea also talks about how in a relationship the only feelings you can account for are your own. What may be so super intense to you (or even just seems like a good shot), may be just causal or "pareve" to the other. She points out, as an aside, that when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't necessarily reciprocate your emotion, it's not like it's totally for naught. She claims it's a "chance to practice taking hold of your half –– allowing yourself to feel it fully and let it be something special all by itself." She goes on to say that it's a chance to recognize that you have this capacity to love/care about someone like this and to celebrate it. You may not be able to share this passion with the other person, but you can keep it for yourself and know that it's there for some future situation.

A small note on envy, just because that's the last thing I notated so far in my reading... I know that I've felt jealous or sad/angry/jealous when an ex moved on (read: got engaged/married) or someone else who used to be in my same boat managed to get to the other side. Largely the envy comes from these someone elses having something that I want, right? O'Shea acknowledges that a lot of times this feeling is not that you want to be the other person or have what they have (after all, that person may be married but s/he has zero attraction or perhaps connection to his/her partner...), but it's about the fact that s/he has something to call his/her own. Is there something that you can do, that you have control over to call your own –– a hobby, class, volunteership, whatever? Pursue that, it will help a little.

Remember to love yourself and that everything comes down to you. No one else is to blame for what you are feeling. For real! It's much easier to blame everyone else, and it's aggravating to hear that it's about how you adjust your mindset, because it really does seem so much of the time that the things that happen around us affect our happiness. However, when you choose to take this control, you will have so much more happiness and be less subject to other people's opinions and their mood swings.

On Connection and Rejection

If this is hope, then what is despair? Is it this? They say that the only direction when you're at rock bottom is up...

My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.

Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.

I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.

When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...

In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.

Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.

This Is Living

Mesmerized by the shallow turquoise crystal clear waters as they sweep the powder soft white sand shore over and over again, admiring the myriads of blues and greens as the coral just beneath the surface colors the clear ocean, relaxing on one of the top rated beaches in the world, I sit and think about how this is living. Repelling down an 80 foot waterfall and zip-ling through the rainforest, I think about how this is living. Watching the sun slowly sink in the azure blue sky littered by fluffy white clouds from between the swaying palm trees, kayaking through a pitch black labyrinth of trees, savoring the view over the inky black bay of the planetarium-like night sky awash with twinkling stars and bright constellations, swimming in the warm ocean with the tropical electric blue, purple, and yellow fish and orange and yellow coral...this is living.

Still on a high from reveling in these captivating nifla'os ha'boreh, I think about how so often we experience the world in black and white. We let so much grime build up on the lenses through which we see the world that we're no longer really living; we're grinding. We lock ourselves in this cage and beat at it repeatedly, trying fruitlessly to get out, never realizing that the door is not locked.

Especially at this stage in life, it's not difficult to fall into this mindset that we need a spouse to feel good, to move forward, to feel successful. There is so much in this life besides for that. There's a whole world out there, and it was created for us. It's not just about having a relationship/getting married (which is great, but we don't control when that's going to happen). When you're stuck just surviving, it's easy to feel like you need something to save you from the daily grind, but that is why it is so important to go and see and do and experience the world in whichever way speaks to you. Nature, travel, activities...is my thing. What's yours?

Scoring on a Rebound

Can a rebound be the real deal?

Seeking comfort after a heartbreaking, perhaps severely distressing, experience in which you may be questioning yourself, your self-worth, your desirability, etc., is completely normal. These feelings of vulnerability and loneliness can be staunched by connecting with someone new, even if this person isn't right for you. In situations where emotions are heightened, it is common for people to confuse their feelings for something different. (For more of a discussion about this, refer to my "Love At First Sight" post.)

What goes through people's heads' who date someone seriously, perhaps for long drawn out periods of time, dump her/him, and then get engaged to the next suitor, a mere few weeks later? Is this pure rebound science? Are people in these relationships happily married?

Science suggests that rebound relationships can definitely help people heal from a breakup, because being in a relationship (presumably any relationship) promotes higher self-esteem, attachment security, and all those good things that come from healthy relationships. However, when someone is clinging to a relationship only because s/he wants to feel wanted and the relationship is all wrong, this backfires. Therefore, when people marry a rebound, often the foundation of the relationship is critically damaged. It's the same kind of situation that results from someone trying to fill a need in himself/herself by marrying someone that has that specific characteristic. For example, if John himself wants to be (or wants to be seen as) more confident and/or assertive, he may be looking to marry someone who is all that.

However, your spouse is not your cure-all. Two complete people are needed in a relationship for that relationship to work (in a healthy manner). You cannot marry someone just because s/he fills a need. I mean, you can, but that relationship is going to have holes in it, and it's going to take a lot of work to make that healthy and fulfilling in the long run.
If you weren’t willing to settle for your ex, you’re a fool to settle for your rebound.I'm no stranger to this phenomenon of rebound relationships...at least being the party from whom the rebounder is rebounding...Recently, a friend of mine had the same situation. The guy she dated seriously, who said he likes to take things slow and work relationships out slooowly, got engaged a very short time after they broke up.

The only thing I can think of is that something that didn't click with the last relationship, clicked with the new one. What didn't feel right after months of dating, obviously felt right with the kallah.

I have a friend who married her rebound, and she's happily married. When she was dating her husband, it was "so clear" to me that it was a rebound, but somehow it worked out for her, and she really just believes the right one came on the heals of the very wrong one. It could happen.

Dating Like A Boss

You know how they say that confidence is one of the most attractive traits? Perhaps there is a median here. Sure, confidence lends people poise, charm, assertiveness, and those, by definition, draw people to someone. It's also about if you are self-assured and you like yourself, it's easy for others to like you. However, arrogance and cockiness is not attractive in the least bit.

Having confidence about something that is not true, like when someone thinks s/he's smart, attractive, with-it, etc. and s/he is not, that is the quintessential turn-off. Also, many arrogant people operate from a place of ego. Under their mask, they aren't really confident, so they work hard to make up for it.

Not everyone finds confidence so attractive though. Many people are intimidated by it. Either they question what the confident person sees in them, because that confident person seems to have it all together, or they wonder if they will ever be able to measure up. 

There is an added element with dating. Confident singles are direct, smile, make eye contact and speak with warmth and interest. They make it obvious that they’re interested, and so it's easy to like them because you know where you stand with them. 

Interestingly, in a study done at Webster University, the researchers found that the girls who got more attention at the bar they were camping out in were the ones that made eye contact and were direct, versus the ones who were shy and barely talked. It didn't matter what they looked like!

Please just keep in mind that condescending arrogance is not confidence...

Temporary Friendships

The struggle, perhaps more on the female side of of our segregated communities, of staying friends with those people one was close with prior to getting married...

There's a certain connectedness people feel bonding over a shared circumstance and hardship. These are the friends that one develops when all her other peers have waltzed off into the sunset and left her behind in that stuck stage of life attempting to relate to those that have already caught their bus. It's difficult to relate when those cohorts, who once sat beside you and joined you in your worst worry about passing the Chumash final the following day, now they're fretting over tuition and a mortgage, while you cannot identify with those headches at all.

Does this mean that these relationships are less real or more temporary?

Perhaps one would never have chosen these "stand-ins" at some other stage in life, be it because of age, social, hashkafa, whatever, differences, but does this make the relationship any less real? Does this automatically mean that these friendships disappear when one finally has a ring on her finger?

There is a chance at that, for sure. We need people who can understand what we are going through to get through life. It's a shame if those relationships fall apart when one is no longer in the shared difficult situation, because perhaps it makes one believe that it's a less genuine relationship. Does that really have to be the case though?

Perhaps when two people really have very little in common and the only thing they connect over is the fact they are single, for example, it stands to reason that once one of them gets married their friendship will dissolve. However, motivating circumstances may be the thing that brought said people together, but once they get to know each other, they can become fast friends - a relationship that doesn't disintegrate when identifying factors change.

I have had a number of these friendships, the type where once someone no longer finds himself/herself in a challenging situation do they value the relationship the same. It hurts the most though when they cannot remember what it feels like. I guess forgetting that fast is a bracha, really.

Someone once shared with me a poetic essay comparing people to bridges and how someone can help get you somewhere, yet disappear behind you once you've "crossed" it. Her point was really how to leave an ex in the past but still learn from him/her. This concept, though, works here too. I'm not suggesting that we ditch our friends when we no longer are in the same stage, but there is something to be said about finding those connections that help you get through life at that particular moment based on what you are going through.

Ghoster

You promised me the world
Then took off and ran
Why you left so abruptly
I still don't understand

Maybe you thought you couldn't be
Good enough for me
But it's not about "worthy"
You're great as is - honestly

You threw me away
Like a used plastic bag
I really want closure
But I won't be a nag

I know this has got
Mostly to do with you
But why is it that what we had
You now totally eschew

I don't know where your head is
If you think about me at all
But I still wonder about
What specifically was our eight ball

I'm stuck at getting through the day
With a fake smile on my face
Trying so desperately
This pain to erase

As far as broken records go
This one is stuck the most
I continue to think about you acting,
For all-intents-and-purposes, like a ghost

As much as I can rationally understand
That it isn't anything that I did
It still really hurts that one day we were great
And the next you were totally off the grid

Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part
That you'll contact me one day
But without some sort of ending
Closure for me is faraway

Perhaps it will take another
Who will take your place in my heart
But even then I will wonder
What caused you to depart

Where are you now
And where are you headed
How will I extract this piece of you from within me
Where it is so deeply embedded

How is it that you
Affected me so
But you could simply, without goodbye,
Head out and just go

Do you think about me at all
Remember what we had
Or doesn't your life leave room for that
Are things really that bad

You were the one to start all this
To say all these things that I believed
Why is it that now I'm the one
That is left feeling so aggrieved

Am I ever going to know
What went through your head
Am I ever going to know
Why it is you fled?