Once you've been somewhere dark, you make a promise to yourself to not be like those that made your life miserable when you were down, once you get to the other side. Sometimes you stick to it, and sometimes you forget. It's sort of like making note of all the mistakes your parents made and vowing to never treat your children like that. It's also about watching your friends who suffered with you for a long time until they got married seem to forget what it was like to be single and start to treat you like the rest of your married friends do.
How quickly people forget.
It isn't per se a bad thing either. It's bracha, really, to forget pain. It's the only way that someone can move on...and so quickly fall into that role that unknowingly causes their single friends pain. They forgot what it was like when someone said "x" or treated them like "y."
I sometimes wonder what type of friend I'll be when I finally get engaged/married. I'd like to think that I'll be sensitive and not hurt anyone, but then I understand why it's hard. Will I be that floaty excited kallah? I really hope so. Will I be so focused on my marriage the first couple of months we're married...at the detriment of speaking to friends daily? I hope so. Not that I want to hurt my friends, but priorities. It's a lot of work, making a marriage work, figuring out a new relationship. At this point it becomes about quality vs. quantity time with friends.
So, yes, even within this scenario, I can still be sensitive to single friends. Maybe it's hard to navigate because not everyone wants the same thing. Some may want to know details and be involved in the whole engagement, while others don't want to hear any details. There's no harm in asking, is there, trying to do what feels best for your single friends? I guess I want to try really hard to be one of those engaged/married friends that doesn't forget this and doesn't say and do hurtful things.
Dear Friend,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the pain that I clearly caused you. How could I not cause you pain, when my existence seems to remind you of that which you have not yet attained. I understand that I did nothing to deserve to get married, and you have done nothing to deserve not to. No matter how hard I try to be sensitive to your pain, I am going to unintentionally slip up. I don’t tell you how many tears I shed for your suffering, or how much learning I do on your behalf. If I have allowed you to think I forgot what you go through, that is my greatest regret.
Thank you friend. It is not what you are that causes me pain, at least me, personally, but the things you say or do. I don't begrudge you any happiness. As much as it's a contradiction, I'm happy for you that you're no longer stuck as I feel, while I'm still sad for myself. The difficulty is when you seem to forget what it was like, telling me what to do or rubbing it in my face, like sending me pictures of your kids daily.
DeleteI don't want you to feel bad for me. You don't have to cry for me. I'm just looking for sensitivity, is all. Empathy (connecting with that place of pain within yourself to connect to another's pain) fuels connection, while sympathy (putting yourself higher in some way because you don’t share that same problem) drives disconnection.
I think both sides of the aisle can be hard to navigate. A coworker of mine once told me how when she first got married she cried because she missed her close connection with her single friends. Putting that aside, the last thing a single person wants from their friends is a sense of pity or feeling bad. Rather, just like any other hardship we go through be understanding. Hopefully really soon this won't be an issue and we will all be on the other side of the aisle "pun intended."
ReplyDelete