Who Wants to be Needy?

While there is a difference between being "needy" and being "clingy," and the latter often comes from insecure attachment and anxiety (a discussion for another time perhaps), it would behoove us to remember that we need each other for our emotional well being. 

Katherine Woodward Thomas, in her book Calling in "The One," talks about how it's easy to fall into the mindset of thinking that we don't need others and we can do everything alone. Our appropriate actual needs get lumped together with inappropriate exaggerated needs, and we then feel like we have to swallow them all. We want to be independant and self reliant, and if you've been single for awhile, you sort of have had to be anyway. Yet, when you're building a relationship, it's important to remember that having needs is not a negative thing.

As humans, we need to feel connected, valued, cared for, respected. Therein lies the balance between being autonomous and being open to receiving from another. 

Perhaps you are familiar with the tale about how the guy walks into a five star establishment with beautiful ambience and exquisite dishes. Yet, no one is eating; the silverware is too large for them to be feeding themselves with, and so the people are just sitting there feeling irritated and angry. "That's hell," he says. Same scenario, and the guy walks in, everyone is happy, "This is heaven." Everyone is feeding each other...

Autonomy is important, but we need each other too; we feed one another. The ability to be vulnerable and depend on others is a skill. When you see this as being needy, says Thomas, perhaps you need to ask yourself if you are just unwilling to take your own needs seriously, and/or the other person is not able or not willing to provide support, consistency, and love.  Instead of not taking your need for kindness, respect and belonging seriously, work on cultivating relationships where you can ask for what you need and the other can give it to you. 

Men and women have different needs. Women generally need to be heard and taken care of. They need him to keep his word to her, and she needs someone she can count on and feel safe with. Men, on the other hand, need to feel needed, acknowledged for his accomplishments (even the little things), accepted for who he is, and generally admired, liked and respected.

It is important to recognize your needs and honor them, otherwise you end up with someone who doesn't have what you're wanting for and/or can't or is unwilling to provide for your needs.

Perfect Imperfections

So much more than a pretty face...

When we chase externalities, whether it be good looks, money, yichus, job title, etc., we're ignoring something(s) so crucial. Sure, all those details are somewhat important, but what about resilience, integrity, emotional intelligence/honesty, connection to G-d, flexibility, depth...who someone is at his/her core...someone's life skills? Is it really about the labels s/he wears?

So often when looking into a shidduch prospective we ask questions looking for dirt. We want to find out "what's wrong" with someone. We label and categorize, measuring people against our yardstick of perfection. Okay, yes, we need to protect ourselves; we want to know what someone is made of, if there are any red flags...but are we going about this in all the wrong ways?

I've posted about baggage and shidduchim, the need to dispel stigma, and the stigma of mental health issues and shidduchim, but maybe what it all comes down to is the fact that we're all the same at our core. It's not about how "damaged" someone is or how much "baggage" s/he has. Some people understand challenge and some do not. Some of us are self-aware and some of us are not.

We so often hide behind stereotypes and think that painting things with a broad brush will protect us. Does it, or might you miss out on something beautiful because you won't take the time to recognize there are more layers there than you see at first glance?

There is so much ignorance that fuels stigma, for sure. Certain buzzwords instill instant fear. (Read about this in the linked posts above.) We really need to think about, not if I'm willing to "accept" someone's baggage, but if the playing field is even. How might two individuals compliment each other? How might he take care of her (and her needs associated with any baggage) and she take care of him in other ways?

I know that I'm attracted to realness and authenticity. Perhaps most of the time that only comes with pain. I've, across the board, found that people that can be the most genuine and vulnerable are people who have struggled with one thing or another (or multiple things) in life. There's beauty in rawness and honesty. Yet, so often the people that are the most unguarded and real are the people that get hurt the most on this shidduch battlefield. Ironically, these are the people that have been kicked by life and and taught the need/how to cope with adversity. There is so much worth in that –– having to learn about life and how to manage struggles.

People often feel like they have to hide that part of themselves that is imperfect, as if it is shameful and ugly. We, as a society, have taught them that. So what if s/he is good-looking, sweet, smart, responsible, out-going, whatever, if s/he has "baggage" his/her shidduch value goes down?

When will we recognize as a society what is real and what is valuable? I guarantee you, at the end of the day the Lexus he drives or the yichus she has won't bring your marriage peace and happiness.

What Do You Meme

This is a bit of a variation from my regular posts, but I had too many good memes/quotes that I had to share them. For your entertainment...

Single Come, Single Go: Singles Events and Speed-Dating

"The reason I wouldn't have 'said yes' to date him is the reason it ultimately didn't work out," a friend related to me, describing her experience in dating a guy she first met at a speed-dating event.

Conversely, "The only people I've ever dated more than one or two dates were people I met organically, like at a singles' event," another friend disclosed.

How helpful are these type of events? Is this useful hishtadlus, or is it a waste of time?

I personally like meeting new people, so even if events such as these aren't all that helpful, they can be fun, if not, ultimately, frustrating. Yet, they may be anxiety-producing for others, and so I understand why such people would likely steer clear of them if these events have little to no success rate. (If that's the case...I actually don't know.)

There is an art to organizing a productive singles event. Just putting a bunch of guys and girls in a room or even something semi more organized than that, isn't likely to work very well. I believe if there is decent vetting going on, like let's say at least 10 out of 15 guys there would have been otherwise suggested for me, it could actually work. At the very least I can spend 3 hours, versus 30, to decide if these guys are even ballpark at all. Basically, there needs to be handpicked participants who are similar in many ways.

However, this still may be a fail, because the small amount of time one gets to spend talking to someone at such an event is little more than a embellished photo or video clip of the person. Is it enough time to really give someone a decent shot? I know that some of the guys I've dated longest I probably wouldn't have dated had I met them first for only five minutes. On the other hand, I didn't end up marrying them.

Such events are great for networking and meeting a lot of people at once, yet are we going off of anything more than looks (or better case chein/charisma)? Is it mostly about who makes good first impressions?

Our shidduch system has a lot of flaws, and a big one lies in the fact that singles generally rely on others (shadchanim, friends, whoever) to set them up. Singles events can help remedy this, but in more cases than not when someone sets a couple up, hopefully, there are perceived underlying commonalities and/or reasons. This is missing when people meet at an event like this. Attraction, chemistry, and all that good stuff is left out though in the former situation, because there isn't a way for a third party to know how that might work between the two parties. Meeting organically though starts at the place of attraction or at least superficial interest or "click."

I recently met a guy at a singles' event that strategically I shouldn't have been at; I doubt anybody would have suggested the idea within the shidduch realm. We hit it off right away though, and it'd been awhile since I'd connected like that, or felt comfortable, with someone that quickly (or maybe ever –– the comfortable that quickly part). Long story short, connection and comfort isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, especially when it's about marriage potential. Someone can be an awesome person, and the chemistry can be great, but it doesn't mean it makes sense marriage-wise.

Shidduch "investigations" on either side would have prevented us from dating probably had the idea come about a different way. Obviously we were meant to meet each other and I have no regrets (in fact I gained a lot from the experience), but this is a good example of why third-party suggesting makes sense.

How successful are singles events really?

Untying the Knot

Can we untie the knot that asphyxiates us with all this social pressure –– the feeling of needing life to be exactly as we always imagined it? Marriage is great, sure, says O'Shea, but not when it's about conformity, not when it toys with our sense of self. It causes singles to feel bad about themselves just because they're not part of the exclusive club, and it causes people to mindlessly marry just to fit with society's expectations. From the time we're little society places chains around our necks, which threaten to strangle us before we take our first steps.

Like I started talking about at the end of this post, we all have the same capacity for happiness, and it isn't tied up in our marital status. So many people are miserable, and it's easy to blame it on not being married. So many people who are married are not happy either. Married or not, happiness comes from within.

Of course this yearning isn't just about wanting to fit in; it's about having a romantic, intellectual, physical, spiritual, deep connection with another human being –– your beacon in a sometimes dark world (and of course there's a whole religious dimension as well). Wanting to get married and having a family are noble aspirations, but it helps to recognize why you want this and not just think that it's something you're "supposed to have." It isn't something that we can force, and recognizing that it isn't the sole key to your happiness and sense of identity is helpful.

O'Shea suggests that the way people talk about singles or constantly ask about whether there is someone special in one's life that it's almost as if they're condemning singles, making it as if there is something wrong with them, always trying to "fix" their "problem." So yes, we would rather be married, but asking "Are you seeing someone," almost seems like asking "When are you going to be normal?" Being single isn't a disease...

Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness contribute a lot to whether you suffer, relates O'Shea. You have a lot more control over how you feel than you think you do. You may not be able to stop specific unhelpful thinking patterns or feelings, but you do have control over if you decide to seek help to deal with them. Therapy, support groups, self-help resources, and the like can all assist with these thoughts and feelings. O'Shea suggests that maybe it's as simple as changing your inner dialogue. Instead of wondering what you did wrong or how things could have gone differently in a relationship, perhaps just recognize that it's over and done.

Obviously there is no off switch, but instead of playing into the rumination and fantasizing of what could have been, apply your efforts to stop the overanalyzing, cyber-stalking, figuring out ways to run into him/her... Sit with yourself and process the experience. Realize that the end of a relationship doesn't make you worth any less. Be sad, disappointed, dejected, hurt. Feeling these emotions is time better spent getting over him/her than living in the past. Like I've mentioned before, we often hold onto hurt for a longer time than necessary because it's proof we had something, the only vestige left of the relationship. Try to let that go too.

Instead of asking "What is wrong with me," realize that you're special and unique and it wasn't meant to be. Says O'Shea, "Rejection is the universe saying 'you can do better,' and failure becomes opportunity."

While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."

When we start taking responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming them on others or situations and circumstances, we have a lot more control over our happiness.

One of the last bits of advice that O'Shea gives in her book really spoke to me. She suggests that we must all practice love regardless if we're in a relationship, not in a relationship, and especially if you're getting over a relationship. Practice on everyone; it's about patience, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, apologies, accepting apologies, communication, authenticity... Instead of expending all your energy trying to find that one person that will justify your entire existence, try sharing love with everyone. Eventually you will find the person who can intensely reflect it back at you.

Solving for "S"

Following the end of a relationship, something perhaps too short to rationally actually warrant to be called a breakup, but a "breakup" all the same (in tribute to the feeling of click/connection), I just feel sad.

It's never helpful to place judgement on feelings, because they're never right or wrong, they're just feelings. (It's the whole feelings are messages thing. When you try to fight them they find a way to sneak back in where you least expect them. When you honor their message, they dissipate.)

The message of sadness is one of loss. Sure, I lost the relationship, its potential, the person in my life (and everything he brought to the table), the connection we had...but because I'm great at analyzing things, I'm thinking it's not just that. (Rationally it seems like it was too short to feel real loss of any or all of those things!)

I'm still figuring it out, but so far I've been able to pinpoint that perhaps this is about how connection causes a surge of feel good chemicals in one's brain. With the loss of the relationship/connection, my brain is aching for that dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that came along with the interaction.

Gotta get to work replenishing that balance... Social interaction, ie. hanging out with friends, exercise (maybe I need to double the workout routine), sunlight, chocolate/ice cream, and physical touch (lots of hugs and/or a massage) will all help with that.

And So He Lives Happily Ever After

"I just need to take things slow. Marriage is a huge step; and I don't know if I'm ready for it," says the guy who dates you for a long time, breaks up with you, and is engaged shortly thereafter to the next girl. We've discussed this phenomenon here previously as "rebounding," but now that I'm reading this book about unrequited love, I have a whole new perspective. Bear with me.

I'll back up just a little. Samara O'Shea writes about how when someone ends a relationship you were not ready for to be over, she suggests that this person is doing you a favor. In all type of these scenarios there are so many explanations of what is happening there. Perhaps s/he's not fully over someone else, has a fantasy of "love" hitting him/her over the head, whatever, it doesn't really matter.

"When a problem exists in someone's head," she writes, "their head is the only place it can be solved...believing you can solve other people's problems is also a problem...if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, he did you a favor."

She quotes Don Miguel Ruiz's Mastery of Love to expound on this favor.

"Explore the possibilities. Be yourself. Find a person who matches with you. Take a risk, but be honest. If it works, keep going. If it doesn't work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: Walk away; let her go. Don't be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time give yourself the opportunity. If it's not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don't waste your time, and don't waste your partner's time. This is respect."

Often people will make statements, like the one I opened this post with, about not being ready for marriage, but then they seem to jump off that ledge pretty quickly with someone else. O'Shea believes that it just means that these people are in denial. They just don't feel it with the present relationship and use a blanket statement to describe the feeling. (They probably even believe it to be true!) When they meet that person that changes their mind about it, it feels completely different.

O'Shea brings another theory too in which she talks about how guys are like cabs. She quotes Miranda from Sex and the City episode 3x8, "When they're available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide they're ready to settle down...and they turn their light on. Next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one they'll marry...It's all about timing. You gotta get them when their light is on...They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available."

When that girl jumps into your cab just as the light goes on, it hurts. It's devastating. If you've had this happen, read O'Shea's book. She's been through this a few times, and her accounts of these stories are super validating to anyone who has been there (at least they were for me). Nurse your broken heart and let yourself be angry and sad. Remember, a healed heart is that much stronger. Mended, not broken.

It's probably apropos here to talk about what O'Shea calls the "dress rehearsal." Most of us have been there –– rehearsing in our head what we want to look like and how we want to act or what we want to say when we bump into this ex. It's probably not going to go exactly as you planned, because his/her reaction is probably not going to be as you imagined. You can write scripts regarding what you want to say, but in the moment, when you're caught off guard, it'll all probably fly out of your head. O'Shea suggests going for a sentiment rather than specific words. "Stay calm," she says, "it'll all flow from there." Decide whether you want to be cold or polite or whatever. If you feel the need to write down what you want to say, by all means do it. It'll probably change a bunch of times as you process the breakup and your emotions change. In the end you may not even want to say anything at all.

Remember, he may have moved on and you look stuck in the same place, but that's not what this encounter is about. It's merely two people who dated in the past bumping into each other. You don't know that he's happy or what's going on with him...even if he does have a beautiful wife on his arm. (And DO NOT compare yourself to her. Their relationship is not based on the externalities that you can perceive, so it's completely pointless.)

Also, your value isn't tied up in your relationship status. "He got married," O'Shea quips, "He wasn't crowned king...nothing about marriage is automatic...your life, including marriage, will be what you make of it. There are triumphant days ahead for you and disappointing days ahead for him and vice versa." More on that later. (The chapter I'm about to read is called "Unrequited in a Room Full of Requiteds.")

Stay tuned.