It's so hard to grasp onto, this feeling. It's loss, but it's something so much more. It's doubt. It's sorrow. It's rumination. It's probably even self-hate to some degree. It's maybe even anger. Is it despair too?
Every day this week felt like Thursday; it's been the longest week in quite some time. Every night felt so long and lonely. Too many nights I lay awake wondering if you were doing the same...feeling.
I thought it would feel good to finally take care of things that should have been done a long time ago but got put on hold because I was so busy all the time. I thought I would feel good getting knee-deep in some projects that are finally coming along slowly but surely. But, there's something missing. It's not unlike how normal everyday joys just aren't enjoyable to an addict after s/he quit drugs. The brain's pleasure pathways get changed up.
I know this is different; this is temporary. I know I'll snap out of it. I don't know, maybe there's the side here that doesn't want to, that doesn't want to forget, wants to nurse this for time longer. So often we hold onto pain when it's the only vestige left from something we're not ready to let go.
The space is good though, even as much as it's driving me crazy, as much as I just want to pick up the phone. I'm getting perspective even as I'm still so uncertain what it all means.
I remember the days that all it took was a Coffee Coolatta to make me happy, but these days it seems like not even ice cream makes a dent. I'm still overwhelmed with sadness. It's still so hard. I know it takes time. I know I need to be patient. I know I need more perspective. I know I need to figure this out. Right now though it's just about emotions. Real life is so much about logic and foresight. We're paying a price, but hopefully there will be hefty returns whatever the currency.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete